To Everything There Is A Season and What's Mine Is Yours

Life has seasons. I try to accept these seasons as they come and not wish time faster or slower or for it to stand still. Every rough patch, every moment I couldn't wait to end did and led to something better. Though I treasure every day with my babies I don't wish time to slow or stop....the season they are in now will end when it's time and a new season shall begin. I just enjoy it...or try to. I try to live in the moment...not wishing for the future, not looking back on the past or dreading in the present. We have one life, one moment to make the most of it. I truly try to live each day as if it was my last. I think of what's fun, what will make a good memory, what do I WANT to do.

This is not to say I don't look forward to things or reflect on my past somewhat. A little of both are good things. I'm looking forward to my birthday....in a weird way. I guess that's a far cry from my last birthday. I'm looking forward to driving my car, perhaps going swimming...I'm looking forward to getting the 200$ I'm expecting in the mail from my Grandma so I can get me a new iPod. I'm looking forward to February when I get to throw my sis a shower and fly home by myself. I'm looking forward to her having her baby. And as far as my past, there were so many lessons there. I'm a lot wiser and better person that I could have been. I'm enjoying the present too. I've been knitting. I'm looking forward to a good nights sleep in a few minutes. My hubby is home and watching football which I find to be a pleasant back drop to my knitting....and blogging it seems.

I just see so many people dreading things or talking about time flying with their children and for it to slow. I take life at the pace it offers me. I wouldn't change a thing at the moment. I enjoy every day with my girls. They are....well, they are the bestest. If I don't wanna clean....I usually don't. I try to avoid things I don't like doing. Of course, those kinds of things become necessary at a point but then it's just to do it. You can find joy in your journey. I find joy in my day to day life and so should you. I find joy in my children. What makes them happy usually makes me happy too.

Then again I do live the fairytale as Gingerella. My hubby is the bestest, my children are a blessing, my family is doing well, my friends are supportive and understanding. I am spoiled....I'm living on the sunny side, that's for sure. :) But though I think God is shining on me I believe he helps those who help themselves and my hubby works hard. I work hard at being the BEST mother I can possibly be and I don't always take the easy road but I try to take the right one. We worked hard for what we've done and for what we have. I won't feel guilty or bad because I have something you don't. I guess this occurred to me because of my new car. I know a few people on my friend list who have old cars and can't afford new ones and are always working to fix theirs and it's breaking down and they struggle and I feel bad for being so happy about my new car but then again....we work for this. One of them is a single pregnant woman who struggles to support herself but how are her bad choices my fault. Another friend has a hubby who works a dead end job and doesn't make much money and she tries to stay home when they can't afford it...why doesn't he look for a new job? Though I feel empathy and yes, I can't help it a little bit guilty for all the wonderful things we have....for our lack of money issues...but then again, we aren't here by accident or because we waited to hit a million dollar jackpot or because my hubby doesn't work at maintaining a positive work record or keeping his credit score spotless. We planned, worked and MADE these things happen...and so could other people. Life is what you make it. It's something you should make happen...not something that should happen to you. And I realize in saying this that tomorrow the hubs could be out of a job and we could be struggling....but whatever life hands me that I CAN'T control...I feel secure knowing that we will and are making the best choices and will continue and strive to make more what ever may come.

I hope that most people know my joy about the things I own or have is not coming from a mean place. I am very good at sharing my "wealth". I will let you ride with me or borrow and play with my gadgets. There isn't a begrudging bone in my body. I'm not one to be overly anal about my things either. I have children and fully expect them to be children...as well as yours. I would never NOT be friends with someone because of something they had or didn't have...because of lack or boocoodles of money. I try not to see that. I try to judge people on their actions...on their honesty, on their parenting and how they treat the ones they love and the ones they don't...on how their loved ones treat them. Someone on FB today put some quote about the older I get I judge people more on what they do and not what they say. I agree. I can be guilty of snap judgments of people but I would never say I'm not one to change my mind....or admit if I'm wrong. I CAN be wrong.

I don't have time to proofread this tonight and I'm sure a lot of it doesn't make sense. I'm tired and my throat is getting that tightening sensation that usually means I'm getting sick....ugh. So I think I will take some meds and call it s night...I'll look over it tomorrow.

Please keep your trays and seat backs in their upright positions...

When people describe me they use words like "honest, blunt, outspoken,funny". Though I like being these things I guess a tiny part of me wishes the description involved "sweet,nice, kind hearted". I mean I like being honest. I put a lot of stock in honesty...most of all not just in honesty to other people but honesty to yourself. I can have a crude sense of humor and the most inane things pop out of my mouth before I check it. I mean I don't want to say I can't help what I say...I can. We all can. I just don't police myself well that way. I promise I can be sweet, nice and kind hearted...you just have to catch my moments. People should take my bluntness as what I intend it to be. I intend to really know you. I intend for you to really know me. I intend for you to know where you stand with me. I intend to make you laugh. I intend to show you that it's ok to be you. If **I** of all people feel it's ok to be me, then other people should only see goodness in themselves when compared to my loud mouth, rude brashness. What was that about good intentions...paving a road..I'm sure it was straight to heaven, something like that. ;)

When asking people to describe me they also said things like "comfortable with 'myself', outgoing".

I saw a discussion on FB the other day about how you should know yourself before marriage. I can't say I completely did. I was probably more on my way than some people but I can't say I really KNEW myself til my late 20's and that does honestly open up a lot of doors. I suddenly know what friends I want (and which ones I don't), I know I have faults but if they aren't landing me in jail and my family in peril then I can accept these too. I look for people who I can say, "See, this is me. Take me as I am or don't take me at all. I like me and I won't re-arrange ME for anyone. I worked too hard and endured too much to let you take it from me." Maybe I'm a bit selfish. I see myself as the constant and everything else may revolve or stay the same but **I** am the constant. You may be in or out of my life. You may like me, you may not. You may move, you may lie, you may lay on the floor and throw a fit...you may do whatever pleases you. I will be right here. I will be the same. I will not let you effect me.

Re-reading this brings to mind my friend issues. It's probably one of my problems in making and maintaining friends. It's probably cuz I'm not much to emotionally invest in anything but my family, my children, and my husband. They are my constant also.

I perhaps should feel guilty or apologetic about that. I should feel bad for distancing myself or feel like I'm missing out....but I don't. What I feel is STABLE. I feel loved. I feel secure. I feel sure that the people who chose or I chose to orbit around me aren't here for any reason but that they like ME...because you see, you have no choice because of my big mouth to NOT truly know me if your orbiting close. If you aren't reading my blog because you care then please see the revolving door on your way out and thanks for riding Air Ginger. ;D

Two Sides at War

Reading my last post reminded me of a post I was gonna make a few days ago....I love some of the old houses downtown. I love the oldness, the shape, the stories, the history...I love old things. I love antiques and old hardwood floors...

But this part of me directly contradicts the part of me that loves the modern. For example, yes I love books (the kind u can hold in your hand) but I own a Nook. I love vinyl records. I love the static noise and I even love when it skips. I love the smell of vinyl and the feel and the part where you have to treat it right and respect the vinyl so it doesn't get scratched. So many old things remind me of my childhood. BUT I own an iPad, iPod, CD's. I love black and white movies...I love Gigi and the Sound of Music...and lots of old movies but I go to the movies a lot...the modern ones. When I look at houses, part of me loves that old houses are ORIGINAL (high praise in my book). I hate cookie cutter architecture..I hate cookie cutter anything really. I love that a contractor didn't go in there building a million houses with similar floor plans and features. But I love modern convenience. I love the way stainless steel looks, I love a sleek, modern look..clean lines and no frills. I like the idea of shucking off the hodge podge assortment of life and going with bare living.

Anyways, I just wanted you to know blog that I realize I contradict myself..and it's not that I'm lying or even changing my mind...I'm just at war with myself here. Maybe I will find a happy medium one day...an old house with modern updates....or something like it.

Reading, knitting, drinking coffee and writing = heaven!

It just came to me! So last night I went to sleep thinking about two things....IF I could go to college, what for? And knitting. I don't know if I've mentioned it blog but I'm obsessed with knitting. I have an obsessive personality by nature...I manage to suppress it cuz it annoys people when I latch on to something with bared teeth and won't let go but ....I really don't care if my knitting obsession pisses anyone off...fuck off if it does.

Anyways, and I've said for years that my retirement plan was to own and run a used bookstore. I own a Nook now and was just reading the other day about how the book business is in trouble but I cant help it. I really love books. Books you can hold in your hand. That smell....good sometimes and too much like the previous owner other times...books that have stains, notes, highlighted sections...books with stories to tell that aren't written in ink but in ownership. Yesterday I went to Starbucks and then Hastings and that's my epitome of a good day. Two of my happy places. Coffee, books around me...it gives me such a sense of adventure. There at my fingertips...any place in the world I wanna go! I can be anyone!

So what came to me was maybe there is a way to combine all my obsessions. Id love to own a used bookstore that sold coffee, knitting supplies and lessons in said knitting. A place to come together and feel welcome. Before I went to bed last night...the last thing I had decided was that what I REALLY wanted to do was be a writer. I can do it. And the best thing about being a writer is that really there is no formal education required...just life lessons. So theoretically (stay with me here), the older I get the more qualified I become....not the sooner I get a formal education. Of course, I'd love to take some classes related to being a writer. Anyways, who knows. Even when I went to college as a late teen I had just a liberal arts major because even then I couldn't pin point a career. I feel a little like the bee on the bee movie...I'm suppose to do this til I die!? I mean, that's a big commitment. Several thousand dollars for an education to do something that I HOPE I will enjoy doing the rest of my life...I don't know. But I could own my used bookstore (I have the perfect house in mind. Oh yes, a house with nooks, crany's, fluffy pillows, antique furniture, coffee mug stains, the scent of books crammed together and overflowing and the perfect little fire lite space for knitting..) and sell coffee and try to spread my knitting obsession and write while enjoying my kids/grandkids...

Babies of all varieties!

I'm proud of myself..I got our Christmas card pics made today..with the girls in their fancy dresses and hair done and then I got the cards made online and went and picked them up and got 90% of the envelopes addressed and even remembered stamps...usually this whole process takes me like a week..so there, that's why I'm proud.

The neighbor stopped over today with her cute as hell baby teacup Yorkie. He was such a cutie. She came to see if I had a baby carrier..that you carry on your body and I sure did and I just let her have it cuz she's done so much for us. She's watered the yard when we couldn't be home...the other night I didn't answer the phone for 3 hours cuz I had left it in my jacket pocket and I was kinda taking a "social" break for myself and Foy called her and woke her up to come check on me. Really scared the total shit out of me..someone ringing the doorbell @ 10 pm. But it was nice of him to worry. So yeah, I just let her have it.

I am getting very excited for my sisters baby. I completed a couple of little hats for the guy and now I'm gonna work on a cocoon for him. I wonder if I'm not just feeling s little baby hungry....Foy and I have discussed it but we're both unsure we want another and Foy feels we're better off discussing it again in 6 months rather than making a rushed or "wrong" decision now. I have so many mixed emotions about possibly having another..one of them is that I KNOW if we have another I won't regret having it...not matter the sex but if I don't...will I regret not giving it another go. But I also have a lot of negative feelings about another baby...the college takes kids when they are 2 I believe and I really do wanna do something for myself...and then I feel selfish but really having another baby is not really helping the other kids either. That's less time and money that's spent on them...and they are kinda awesome and I would like to be there even MORE for them..which I feel like I can do when S gets a little older. I also want to start contributing monetarily to this family at some point. I feel like a big ol' mooch sometimes even though i know what im doing is needed and contributing and Foy sees that....i just cant help feeling that way a little. I worry my husband might regret not having that boy but honestly, he seems not to care. He says he doesn't..and I believe him. I think as women...(as backwards as it sounds) we want to give our men sons...there is a ....idk what I'm trying to say but I recognize the feeling. I spent a good hour discussing it with Foy this weekend and we have agreed to re-visit the issue next year. I told him too though that this baby-making factory is shutting down soon....meaning we've kinda gotta limited time to get pregnant before I'm proclaiming no more babies. He said,"look how old your Momma is." and he couldn't have said a worse thing. Exactly! I do NOT want to be my mother.

Bummed.

I don't have a reason to feel bummed...things are hunky dorey. I did have some plans tonight that got canceled for one reason or another and I'm kinda bummed about that. I started to go to the movie alone but I was really enjoying my family but now the kids are all in bed and it's just me and Foy and speaking of Foy we've been fighting a lot on his days off. Just arguing about anything and everything. He had the nerve to say something about the house being messy, ggrrrrr. I threw cake at his head for it...cake in a plate (oh, don't get your panties in a wad..it was a paper plate but there was a metal fork involved...ok, it was more over his head). We laughed about it later. I knew the minute he said it I was fixing to launch something at him...happened to be cake...I consider him lucky I wasn't having a glass of water with it.

Anyways, I'm considering the late movie. I went and got us some booze but now I don't think it's the booze I want. I want a club atmosphere. I want loud music, anonymity, the crush of the crowd, the pulse of the music, the smell of pheromones in the air...to some people that all might sound not so good but to me...it sounds and smells familiar. I grew up in that atmosphere...it helped forge me into the person I am now.

So I gotta go and catch this movie...and who knows...maybe I'll go get a drink by myself.." I ain't afraid.."

On the up side, I finally got him to agree that we need new mattresses so those are in the works....he's Internet comparing as we speak and I bet we go get some new ones tomorrow. I want to wait and check out RC Willey. I LOVE RC Willey but he's impatient. He said he wants a better nights sleep NOW, not when we find the time to go to SLC so it looks like it might be John Paras, blech.

Making Love to a Horse

Men like to blame the ladies lack of response in bed to her issues and not his. Maybe he just sucks that bad. I am usually always honest in that department..I mean I usually try to pull the punches with the hubs...you know like, " Better next time, honey. It did FEEL good..just not quite there." Ok, or sometimes I might be like, "Fucking A, this sucks. Next time it's MY turn." Being married to me..isn't always a cake walk..I'm first to admit it. Not that this is often..I mean that the 'elusive big O' doesn't come...but your lying if you say it's there EVERY time for you. I probably have more than the average gal but it's called elusive for a REASON. Point is, if I'm quiet that's usually NOT a good sign. But you have to make me yell and sometimes I think about horses when we're having sex....ok, let me explain that, lol. I think women are like good horse flesh and if you 'ride' her right...guide her, touch all the right places, learn where, how and when..press with your knee to go that way, stroke her here to do that...then you will illicit the response you want. But you have to pay attention. If I freak out and gyrate every time you touch my neck in a certain spot..well, that should be noted. If I turn off when you...I suddenly can't think of ANYTHING that turns me off...this is crazy...but you get what I'm saying. I've always responded to certain things certain ways and if a guy takes notes and pays attention...well, it should be easier the next time.

What happens when Mom needs rescued?

Sometimes I'm sitting in the front seat driving and it feels like all the worries of the world are resting on my shoulders. My mind is going a mile a minute and a million things are piling on me and THEN I hear a little voice say "Mommy" and I look in the rearview and three of the most precious faces I've ever seen are looking at me with a world of trust and love in their eyes and THAT is when my kids rescue me cuz I know looking at those three faces that there isn't ANYTHING in this world I wouldn't do for them and there isn't anything that's not possible and I WILL be ok even if it's only for them and at that moment I know I can handle anything. I feel stronger and like more things are possible than I ever dreamed.

No doom and gloom here!

I'm sitting at Starbucks...I came to knit and listen to the relative quiet but what did I do...wind up on Fb and it shattered my calm somewhat like it often does.

You know I think some people have a lot of crappy days. I'd be really surprised if they had a good day or WAIT, maybe it's not that they didn't have a good day but they don't FB the good day, only the crappy one. Seriously, didn't your Momma tell you, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Now I realize that we ALL have bad days and we have the right as friends to listen to someone when they have a bad day, to show empathy, to sympathize but seriously when some people seem to never have a good day it boggles my mind and I get tired of it. My favorite quote on Fb is "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." Oscar Wilde. I try to live by that...obviously I wanna be the former not the latter. I try to spread happiness, not doom and gloom. I want to lift people up, not drag them down in the mire with me. I wanna be half full, not half empty. I want to make people laugh and be a benefit to their life and obviously I want the same of my friends.

Ok, another Fb gripe. Solicitors. Hate it. HATE it.

Carcinoma

So I think I'm ready to say it....I might have skin cancer. The way I see it there is a good possibility.

There really aren't any jokes left when you might have skin cancer. It's really no joking matter.

Before I went to the doc I joked about how I had told Foy that the spot on my arm looked like like cancer and he said, "Uh, how'd you get that?" like cancer was something you "catch" for Christ's sake. Ok, I'll admit it...that is still a funny story but I feel like the jokes on me now.

I hate to be dramatic. I feel a little bit ridiculous that I feel this way but I know I've probably said it before...sometimes you can't explain WHY you feel that way, you just do.

So about how I feel....I feel freaked out. And I don't even know anything for sure yet and won't til the biopsy results come back. Ok, here's the story. The doc said that it looked like carcinoma, a slow growing skin cancer but the biopsy would tell them what type and how much tissue they needed to take.

Honestly, I'm so scared I can't even google it. I can't even google it!! And that's not the usual me. I like to be informed. I like to know the answer before I ask .....but it feels like if I google it...if I find the info then it makes it true. It means it WILL happen...that's kinda how I feel about talking about it and I can't believe I'm being THAT person. I've always ridiculed people who I thought that were being idiots by denying the facts and acting like not talking about them made them not so, DENIAL. I've always thought, whats the point?

I think I've read or heard somewhere when people get news like CANCER they go through the stages of grief like losing someone (I guess if I googled it then I'd know, right?). Denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance and loss.

Anyways, I have to walk around doing my duck act (it's water rolling off my back) and acting like I'm not a normal human being that's freaked the fuck out. There I said it I'm scared and I'm freaked out. And don't tell me that it might not be so and don't tell me it's gonna be alright. Don't try to justify my feelings away...believe me, if it could be done I would have succeeded myself. Truth is I tried to be "ok" and the REAL truth is...I am NOT ok and more truth, I can't seem to tell anyone I'm not ok.

I had to tell my hubby on the phone cuz he's been gone for a week or so...he's been gone since I found out anyways. I didn't wanna freak out on him cuz he has a job to do. He needs to know I can hold down the fort here right. He needs me to be capable and strong. I told my mother but she has enough on her plate and she's far away...me freaking out is just gonna make her freak out and feel like shit cuz we're so far away. And a friend knows....but I'd feel like a baby freaking out on her...first off, cuz I don't cry in front of people cuz I don't ever know what to do when people put me in that position plus she's had skin cancer, melanoma...so I'd mostly feel like a big baby freaking out to her over a little possible carcinoma.

But truth is I get tired of being the one who is "ok". The one who doesn't get to have a bad day or need people cuz I'm the other person..I'm "the strong one" ...I'm the one people lean on, not the other way but really I'm tired.

But telling you, blog, all about it really does help plus I broke my silence by telling my good friend Nikki all about it today. We've shared a lot and I've tried to help her and be understanding when she went through things and it felt good to say her like we tell each other all the time "you get me" and I don't feel like I have to excuse myself to her...I can just say "this is how it is."

A Time to Concede, and a Time to Stand.

I made this comment earlier:

"OH, I would only like it if I was the ONLY one running around. I'm sure if everyone told me what they thought it wouldn't be 'the best day ever.' ;) I enjoy people who don't try to change themselves around. It's like religion. I may not mind going to Rated R movies but I respect Roxie for her beliefs in not going. If she won't ask me to change, I won't ask her to change and we can like each other just fine. That's just an example but how I feel about pretty much everything. SOMETIMES your just NOT meant to be friends. You know sometimes you have to have SOMETHING in common to be friends....things are best when you don't force them. I do think you can learn things and broaden your horizons but fundamentally you shouldn't become someone else to make people like you. Its usually gonna end in disaster anyways."

I wanted to expound on the topic. It's not to say that I would not concede if Roxie wanted to go to the movies and I wanted to see a rated R movie. I might concede to see the second on my "wanna see" list that is NOT rated R. Obviously her friendship means more to me than a movie BUT (and poor Roxie, I'm only using her as an example) if she were to say, "I can't be your friend if your not Mormon" then that would would not be a concession I would or should make. There are such large concessions that you could make that would fundamentally change or effect who you ARE at the roots that they should not be tampered with and then there are the concessions we make because we like our friends and we want to be agreeable. Like in a marriage, there has to be some give and take but not concessions in your personality that change your fundamental makeup. And SOMETIMES you can make so many small concessions that you'll realize that you've prostatuted yourself in one small piece at a time and lost your beliefs, lost yourself. "You've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything. You've got to be your own man, not a puppet on a string. Never compromise what's right..." Aaron Tippin.

So I can be agreeable and agree to disagree up to a point and then there is a point where I would have to fundamentally change myself and my beliefs to continue to be your friend and that, would be the breaking point. Sometimes if people are having to make TOO many compromises or concessions to be friends then it might be best if they just part ways. There is only so many times I could "bite my tongue" before it would be bitten off...or grievously injured at least.

I want to be a good friend. I can be a good friend. I have friends to prove it. I think bite your tongue a few times and remain friends to mostly enjoy each others company but bite your tongue til your in danger of serious injury..well, you probably don't have a lot in common.
I would not ask this person to change SO many things about themselves to please me. What kind of friend would that be? Better to part ways and let them continue on in their beliefs unmolested than ask them to change for me because alas, I would NOT change for them.

Walls Don't Make For Close Friends

"The difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist laughs to forget, but a pessimist forgets to laugh." Tom Bodett

I found this quote when I was looking for one about the person in the room laughing the hardest is the one crying inside....I don't know it exactly...couldn't find it. But this one sorta gets my meaning across.

I'd like to mention my disclaimer before I start. The many faces of me and all that jazz...

People think cuz I storm through life trying to get laughs or being the loudest, dressing the loudest, looking like I'm having the most fun doesn't mean I don't deal like everyone else. I just camoflouge better than the next gal. I do lead a blessed life but I have my own burdens to bear...so just know when I make it look easy and I work harder to push you away might be when I need people the most. I'm self-destructive like that. :/

I really think that motivating myself has something to do with my life. I spend A LOT of time telling myself I'm Superwoman and I'm resilient and I don't need ANYONE and I'm gonna be ok NO MATTER what, that I move through life believing it and never letting my guard down to see otherwise. I'm SO independent that sometimes I push potential friends away without meaning too. I have to look like I don't need anybody so much that people start to believe me...

I told one of my friends recently that she seemed "approachable yet untouchable" and maybe I was talking about myself a little. I'm so friendly but so many times when it comes to real intimacy I shy away, push away. But I guess that's cuz I've spent so much of my life taking care of myself and those around me...I've had to trim the fat, lose those people that I couldn't carry cuz I can only carry so much. I had to worry about what I could change and forget about what I couldn't . Life has hardened me. I had to build a wall to protect myself and unfortunately it usual succeeds in alienating me from people more than I intend.

I'm not telling you this so you feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for myself. *chanting my mantra* I'm just trying to delve into my own psyche. Explain something to you and work it out for myself I guess. I AM happy...I just regret that lack of intimate friends sometimes. Though I will say that the playgroup I belong to has a great group of women that I love getting to know more and more. :)

Ok, I Hate to Admit it But maybe I'm NOT Superwoman

This Superwoman routine is getting old...another busy day planned around here. 2 Halloween parties, playgroup party AND Girl Scouts. I feel like I'm on a juggling act lately and I'm working extra hard to keep all these balls in the air but somethings gotta give and soon. I'm stressed and I rarely stress. I usually think of myself us a duck letting water roll off me when things happen...well, nothings happened other than I feel tension, stress and it's not good for me. I don't work well under these conditions. I'm best when I'm cool, calm, collected and rolling with the punches. (Hhmmm, wonder how many more idioms I can fit in this blog? ;)

Anyways, I just wanted to unburden myself to you blog. I need to lay a few balls down and get focused...rather than dropping some by accident I would like it to be a decision. I will wait til after Halloween though. Maybe the holiday is why I feel so stressed. But after Halloween there will be Thanksgiving to worry about....gee, another worry. Sigh...

Spend more time picking your baby daddy or live to regret it.

So on a Fb gripe again...so you can stop reading if you want but here goes....

There's this chick...I don't know her but apparently she got pregnant and had a baby with a man she was never married to and no longer is with.

Her status update: AND THE DADDY OF YEAR AWARD GOES TO: (STEVE LEWIS JR!) me:" Hey Steve can you run 2 wal-mart & the baby some milk, he's out" steve: "Hey do you know its my birthday?" Me: "Hey the baby is out of milk, can you please go & get some?" steve: "It's my birthday & I'm about 2 go out of town." WOW!! Where do they do that @? What kinda DAD is that? NOOOO WHAT WAS I THINKING! I didnt make a good choice but-SEE YOU IN COURT!

You know she did this...she made this bad choice. She made this bed and dammit the least she could do is lie in it and shut the fuck up about it.

In her comments she says: Yea you right! And thanks, he is my angel!! Its a shame that I take care of him by myself (me, my fam, and friends) He only has my family and thats enough,but Im just saying....GROW UP and step up to the plate. And if you can give Jasper County all your durn money cause you in and out of jail EVERY WEEK why cant you give your baby some or just go buy for him. We would appreciate it!

Obviously her "angel" is her baby. SO I'm assuming this man didn't suddenly start spending a shit load of time in jail...unless he's had some weird personality flip he's always been this way and if nothing else (I'm assuming they at least had a relationship though) she CHOSE to have unprotected sex with an a-hole and have his baby.

This is her fault. I will not give a shit that she made bad choices. I will not feel sorry for her. Who needs to grow up? Who is airing their grievances on Fb? That's childish. She's just trying to start stuff since I'm sure there is some drama there. And this is the same chick who's always "preaching" in her status every Sunday. Sounds like she needs to turn to her own soul, her own problems...worry about yourself before you throw stones at others.

She is one of the main reasons I hate "organized" religion. FULL of hypocrites..preaching to you one minute and sinning the next. They always think the message is to someone else...too busy pointing the finger and not enough time looking in the mirror and pointing the finger there. I have a whole bunch of "friends" on Fb who do that. I hate hypocrites. I'd rather you say you hate God and actually live by that than say you are this or do that and I see totally different. I am not the final judge. I won't be sitting in judgment of anyone on Judgment Day and I say "Live and let live" mostly but I can't respect someone who I witness not being or doing what they say they believe. If you believe in something strongly enough to proclaim it then you should TRY (and I'm not talking half-ass trying) to show it, live it, be it.

Anyways, back to this chick. Maybe she should have spent more time with her legs closed finding out if this man was a potential father or husband like I did...or well at least I used contraception until I was married to a man I believed to be a great potential husband and father. And he's been a great both.

Sometimes I Don't Play Well With Others...

We have a trip planned for SLC with our playgroup friends tomorrow. I am REALLY excited but I'm a little bit worried. There are certain times of the month when I have a harder time reigning in my tongue and holding my temper or have anything positive to say and we're pretty much at that time now....so I will have to work EXTRA hard to be nice the next couple of days while we are in SLC. I would really hate for the nasty sides of my personality to ruin mine and others good time. I think half the solution to a problem though is recognizing that you have one SO in acknowledging that I will have to put in the extra effort I hope that I can be successful. I'll just have to extra vigilant of myself...

Around these times I feel extra sluggish and mentally slow also....so I know I need to eat right and have plenty of water so as to combat these symptoms as well.

I WILL have a good time and I will play well with others! ;)

Everything I Wanna Say To My Sister And Can't

Soooo..I found out this morning that my sister is smoking...yes that fact alone is bad enough but she's several week pregnant..probably right around the beginning of her second trimester though that doesn't matter. Anyways, I can't tell you how I felt..but I'll try. Livid, furious, disappointed, sad, angry, disgusted, revolted, violent, sick...that's what comes to mind right now. I cried. I went from wanting to jump a plane so I could rush over to slap the shit out of her to crying in the shower. WHY? WHY? She tried so hard to have this baby..she miscarried three times and spent the better part of a year trying to get pregnant. If you could slap the stupid out of someone I'd be willing to try on her right now. But you know if she doesn't give a rats ass about her baby's life and well-being then I can't make her. I can't make her stop being selfish. You know putting your needs before your unborn child makes you a crappy mother period. She's an ADDICT, a fucking addict. I don't care if it is cigarettes. It's an addict who puts their needs before their children. And she's mad that people know...she wants to hide the fact. Fuck, if I was there I'd write it in permanent marker on her fucking forehead. I'm serious. I'm not one to cause drama (alright, no one say a word) but we'd wind up getting the cops called and I'd go to jail if we lived at home right now for smacking around and threatening a pregnant woman. Stupid bitch. You know, it would be easier not to care. If I saw some pregnant woman smoking...yeah, I'd be irritated. I'd wanna slap her but I'd forget in a couple hours...if it was a friend then I could not support but possibly ignore her bad choices but this is my sister..my niece or nephew she's poisoning. I love her, I love this baby ...that's why I care, that's why I'm mad. I tried to call her. It's probably best she didn't answer. I would have probably said some things that would have got me banned from ever seeing this child when it gets here...most likely severely under-weight and premature with health problems if not now then in the future...jut cuz she couldn't control an urge for a cigarette. Shit, if it was legal I'd fight her for the custody of that unborn child right now. You don't deserve to have a kid if you can't fucking control yourself, stupid retarded...

I'm gonna talk to her at some point. She WILL hear what I have to say...she will be angry with me. Shit, I'm angry with her so I don't care. I need some time though. I'm sure she realizes how crappy it is...what's she doing and hopefully she can make a change for the better.

Kittens Come From Holes :)

I try to always be as honest with my children as possible, for example:

Kylie asked me if Santa was real. Apparently there was some talk at school. I told her that Santa could be real if she wanted him to be. She can believe in him if she wants. I think of him more like being the spirit of Christmas..of love, laughter, family, giving, friends...all those lovely things have a mascot, Santa. Of course, we've talked about WHY we have Easter and Christmas. I don't take my children to church on a regular basis (which I regret) but I give them the information that I can. BUT I was honest, that's my point here. I try to be honest with them. Another example:

She asked me where kittens come out of on a cat? She's asked me similar questions about humans but I told her one way was to cut it out and there was another way I would tell her about later. I told her that it hurts alot both ways but when your old enough to decide you want a baby then your old enough to accept that what comes from labor and pain is joyous and wonderful and you accept it. I spent more time talking about how it's BEST if there is a Mom and a Dad and  you are married. That it is POSSIBLE to have a baby and not be married but it's not the best way. And I told her that a Mommy and Daddy make the baby together with God's help. That's about the gist of what was said. BUT when she asked about the cat I told her a hole..lol. Well, it is a hole..in both cases. She accepted my answer readily. We then talked about how some animals have eggs and some have live babies. I didn't think it was inappropriate or wrong and it was enough info to satisfy her. There were no more questions.

Anyways, like I said, honesty. I don't offer up more info than is necessary or prod her to ask more questions. I think every kid is different when you get down to it and though there is a general timeline for things you have to know your kid and be ready to give them appropriate information.

I don't want to ever think I have lied to her. And I don't mean telling her the truth as I see it (or at least if I do acknowledging that it is MY truth) but good honest real info.

I don't know if it's the right time to approach religion with her. I don't want her to be confused. I want her to make her choice about what she believes and to accept others for what they believe and to not feel bad if her choices and belief's change. I don't expect her to be a cookie cutter model of me. I hope and pray that whatever decisions she makes (including religious ones) that I can accept them for good ones..different ones than me perhaps but her own. That's all I ask is that my children make up their own minds and don't let others (including myself) make it up for them. I hope they approach everything scientifically. Willing to listen to all sides equally and keep an open mind before they make decisions. Right now I present my belief's to them ..within reason..but I expect them to question them and me and come to their own conclusions eventually...when the time is right.

I'm a stubborn woman and I'd be lying to you blog if I said differently and I will balk at their decisions if I believe them bad but (other than putting their bodies in harms way) I will TRY to accept them. I will try to still my tongue and be the best Mom I can be.

Been there, done that.

So I figured I'd tell you blog...since I tell you things that I tell no one else and since I realized I'm safe here cuz pretty much no one reads it....or will admit to reading it anyways, I'd tell you that I had a weird random vomit last night. Lovely, huh? It could have been the 10 truffles I gorged on right before that....but it did occur to the hubs and I that I could be pregnant. I'm leaning toward not since we do take precautions...not 100% precautions but pretty good ones. I guess I wanted to tell someone cuz of course it's on my mind. Not like I'm gonna run out and buy a pregnancy test (because I'm fairly sure I'm not)...but just a lingering thought. That bit of wonder that comes when you wonder if your growing someone in there. I lean toward no also because I haven't missed a period and I don't usually get sick til after a missed period. Sometimes I swear me getting sick when pregnant is all in my head. But it is funny that this should come along right when the hubs and I have been having a few discussions about wether we're done or not. I go from one extreme to the other. Sometimes I KNOW I don't need another and other times I see a little boy outfit or read about the tiny football league in the paper and I think....one more time? I guess if it should happen 'accidentally' like this then that would sorta be a relief...I wouldn't have to wonder more. In relation to having kids, Foy and I have discussed the bedroom situation. Our house is plenty big to support another child. We have a plan to have all but like 1 of our bills paid off by April so I'd say we can afford another kid. We are seriously considering a minivan (not that we can't fit 1 (or 3) more kids in my current SUV). We've looked at the new Honda Odyssey, Toyota Sienna, and we've heard Nissan is keeping their minivan in play when they were gonna cancel...and there is the Town and Country to consider too. We are leaning toward a minivan.....another kid or not. I just like the versatility and space....the ONLY drawback would be that we would not be able to pull an RV with it, which we can with my car.

Anyways, as always blog...you are a good listener. As far as a pregnancy, guess we'll wait and see. For the first time in my history of pregnancies or pregnancy "scares"...I don't care one way or the other. I feel....relaxed (probably cuz I mostly think I'm not ;).

For better or for worse...

This was actually two nights ago:

I'm in a foul mood..I started to spend the night writing facebook updates and then deleting them before posting just to get something off my chest..anything but then decided my blog might be the place to receive solace..or at least do some confessing.

I don't consider myself a really jealous person. Not that I'm the person who is cool with everything. I'm kinda in between...or I think I am. It's hard to get a perspective on this when it's you. BUT anyways, tonight when I opened facebook.com it opened to Foy's page...where he was already logged in. I don't check his Fb..I don't stoop that low and I'm not THAT distrustful but it DID open on his page and he had notifications so I checked them out and he had written comments on this girls post at least twice in the last week so I clicked on her. BOOBS...first thing I see, all up in my face. And I checked out her info and she's single so then I'm like ..how does he know her and so I see that she didn't graduate from Lufkin so I asked him about it. He's sitting right there a couple of feet from me watching football ...I had told him he had notifications..I wasn't hiding or being sneaky or anything. Anyways, he said she did go to school with him at some point. And I'm like..well, you know her well enough to spend most of your post on her? And he's like ..well, I felt like commenting on someones stuff. I hardly do anything on there. Well, I'm off on a tirade. I'm like..of all people, the boobalicous girl whose single is the random person's update that you decided to comment on more than once. WHATEVER. It just pissed me off and I let him know it. NO, it didn't turn into a knock-down-drag-out fight...just some snide commenting on my part finished with a question ..to see if he understood why I was upset about it and a statement that I would like it if he perhaps spread his commenting around more..to less boobalicious people, ya know.

That's how MOST of our fights go...especially in the last few years of our marriage. We're pretty stable. I can see the wrong in me. I do apologize to him and fairly often...usually around THAT time of the month, somehow...hhmmm. I say things and am snotty for no reason or stand-offish or I gripe alot and concentrate too much on the negative and not ANY on the positive. I apologize and tell him he rocks. I randomly think about how he rocks through out the day...for example, he pays all the bills. No, I don't just mean that he makes the money (he does) but that he literally pays all the bills. I don't appreciate that enough. Actually I've been known to go off about how I need to do it cuz him doing it makes him worried, pissy, gives him ulcers...yada yada yada. BUT then I realize that's just another way that it makes it SO easy to be me. I don't have to worry about dates, deadlines, amounts...I just DO me. I take the kids places. I make sure I meet their deadlines for book orders, tuition for dance and cheerleading, uniform orders, places to be for G.S., field trips, ordering G.S. uniforms online, what days K wants to take a lunch, what day she needs to take her P.E. shoes, that L has show-n-tell on Fridays, what time is gymnastics, the PTO meeting, the Parent-Teacher conferences, book hotels for our out of town trip, etc etc etc....THESE are my focus. It allows me to worry about them and not about numbers but about flesh and blood little people that will one day be contributing to society hopefully (or that's our goal!). Anyways, I don't thank him enough for taking the burden on himself as well as his job. He is truly fantastic in every way. Him doing his job allows me to do mine. We're a team...there's a balance. He is definitely my other half.

Literally...A Day in the Life

48..(oh, no wait,....just 24) hours in my life:

Tuesday:
7 am alarm
720-825 up to fix breakfast, grab K's school clothes, argue her out of bed, make sure she grabs her backpack, brushes her teeth, fix her hair, get S and L up (change S diaper) and feed them and take K to school after I put all the kids in the car.
835-940 take shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, fix my hair..get L and S dressed (change S diaper), brushed teeth and hair, gather all the library books and movies and put everyone back in the car.
10-11 Story time at the library where I chase S around (while trying to chat with the other story time ladies) while L listens to the books and then help L with her craft before we head back to the car.
11-1 make lunch, eat lunch, change S diaper, try to fit in a show or a moment in my chair to myself...
1-310 park with playgroup where I spend this Tuesday running back and forth to the car because I forgot my knitting pattern, then S's shoes (change her diaper), then L was thirsty, then I was looking for sweaters, etc.
330- pick up K
340-415 hustle everyone in the house, get L's dance clothes on her with her backpack packed with her dance shoes and 'street' clothes, get K's cheerleading shoes and practice clothes on her, get S a snack (change her diaper) and fill up her water cup (again), grab water bottles and snacks for everyone and throw them all back in the car ...oh, and grab my knitting
430-510 L's dance class where K plays the Nintendo DS, I watch S run around and do some knitting while chatting with whoever
530-7 K's cheerleading class (an hour and a half!) where I chase S around (spank her finally to get my point across), feed her some more snacks (change her diaper), knit some more and Fb on my phone.
7 call in and pick up pasta or pizza at Pizza Hut
730 Home to eat pizza, bath the kids, feed them some dessert because they were good for me and..
830 all kids in bed....AAAAHHHHHHH...
830-11 A MOMENT OF PEACE. I CAN WATCH SOME OF MY DVR'D SHOWS, KNIT, READ THE BOOK SERIES I'M WORKING ON, ORDER G.S. UNIFORMS, VISIT WITH MY HUBBY, TAKE A SHOWER..and to bed to do it all over again at 7 am in the morning.

Oh, I'm too tired to tell you about the next 24 hours, lol. Seriously, that's just a 24 hour period in my busy life. I LOVE IT!! That IS my busiest day though but I wouldn't change a thing. We're happy, healthy and mostly just jubilant about being here. Well, I know I am...

Life Ain't A Crap Shoot

So we had a PTO meeting tonight and this guy that's in charge of the games ...rubs me the wrong way. I don't think I like him at all. The prizes last year (cuz that's the only year I've been there) were  all equally...small, pitiful and childish, lol. BUT they were equal. He has this idea to play this game (something about rolling a dice) and if you win you get a bigger prize than just the 'consolation' prize. I said I thought all the prizes should be equal and he said he had a problem with that because that's not what life is like. I stopped there because I didn't want to argue with the man BUT...

what I wanted to say was.... Yes, life is about hard work. With hard work you get rewarded hopefully.  Yes we don't all get the same things in life. We don't all get BIG prizes but most of what we get is related to how hard we work for what we got. What he's talking about is a game of chance..gambling. Yes, in gambling ..luck matters. It's random and has nothing to do with working hard to achieve a goal. So, I want to teach my children that we don't all get the same 'prize' in life BUT they can work harder to achieve more with hard work, dedication and the right moral values and principles. I'm not going to teach them to depend on a roll of dice and a game of chance and a reward that might come that way because that's few and far between SO if he had been talking about a game that my kids could work harder at, practice more and win that way then I'd say..whatever, reward the winners but we're talking about gambling. I won't teach my kids that life's a crap shoot...sometimes you hit the BIG prize and sometimes we're stuck with the consolation cuz that's just not true. Yeah, sometimes you work hard and it doesn't pay off but most of the time it does.

My husband works hard for our money. He doesn't sit around and roll a dice and wait for money to come our way. I get off my butt and wash clothes, clean house, cook meals and take my kids to every freakin' thing in the world...I don't sit around and scratch lottery tickets. Hey, it would be great if it worked that way though! Which brings me to another point, this guy looks like a big LOSER. What exactly does he do that he can make every PTO meeting....probably nothing. Good example...

Sometimes a duck is just a duck.

First I'd just like to get it off my chest...my number one annoyance with Facebook today. People who can't decide if they are single or not and feel the need to Fb any change in such ASAP. There's a "friend" (air quotes around that word are not good) who is always airing his dirty laundry and relationship status via Fb ALL THE TIME and it's always changing. MAYBE and I'm not even thinking outside the box here...he should make a final choice, give it two weeks...and then two more weeks..before he post any changes again. OH and also super annoying is his "luving 'his significant others name here' and the kiddos" at the end of every status when he's NOT "single". That could be one of his problems there. If one or both of them is in need of such a reminder constantly then they probably already have issues. Anyways, on to the next thing..


“If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it must be a duck”. That's been on my mind lately. Sometimes what it looks like is JUST what it is and nothing else.

Screwed up.

Foy has a cousin and she was married and they had two kids and they moved their trailer in next door to this single guy. Well, she got pregnant by her husband but was having an affair with the neighbor and divorced him. The child was a boy named Wesley and she married the neighbor she was having the affair with before the baby was born and they raised the child like he was the father (not the real father). They had another child and moved away. The two kids she had before she divorced her husband went to live with him and she had the other two. Well, I'm sketchy on the details but apparently she got on drugs, had some issues with her marriage...and left him and this two kids to go back to her original husband...not for an affair but just because he was her friend and she needed help. Well, now she has her two older children and has no idea where her two younger children (one of them being biologically the man she's living with nows child). And she's going on about her life.

I said all this to say....how fucked up. I could NEVER NEVER be separated from my children. I would rip this world apart..spend all my worldly fortunes...I would NEVER stop looking for them. I would feel incomplete if even ONE of my children were not there. To let this man...whose not even the biological father to the son that he has...to let him take my children.

And you know what bugs me too. When I first met Foy and was getting to know his family ...they made me sick talking about how smart she was. They went on like she was a fucking genius. SERIOUSLY, I don't care if your the smartest person in the world...this is all sorts of fucked up. That's all I wanna say about that...

I have a TITLE! PTO Treasurer. Whohoo.

I didn't feel like Facebook was the right forum for this...plus I didn't want to look like a dork and some of the PTO is on my Facebook but anyways....I am now the PTO Treasurer. Yay! And even though this is a title with pretty much NO work...I am So pleased with myself. :)

God Helps Those Who Help Themselves.....Idiot.

Alright, I gotta bitch on my mind this morning and I'm gonna get it off my chest here but feel free to not continue if your not in the mood...

I was reading an article about the Herimman fire this morning and was flabbergasted when I read that some ppl were refusing to evacuate despite mandatory orders stating so. This brings to mind the catastrophe that was Katrina in New Orleans. It might not be P.C. to say so but if your that fucking stupid then u deserve to die. There I said it. Do the population a favor and die. Somebody is gonna have to risk their life and spend a shit load of money cuz you ain't got no sense. Stupid. This house has got NOTHING in it (but my children) worth risking my life for. And I ain't naive enough to think my life or house are gonna be spared with a fire storm headed my way. In fact, I'm pessimist enough to think my house will be the FIRST to go.

Ok, I'm done with my morning rant. :)

The Monster You Created Doesn't Need You. I Pronounce You Unfit.

Don't like the monster you created? Too bad!

My parents are both kinda mad at me right now. We'll start with my Dad. He called me on the first or second day I got to Texas and said he'd like to see me and the girls and wanted to know what my plans were. I told him the minimal ones I had and he said he'd get back with me. He called the two days before I was leaving. I had plans for the next day and I was leaving the very next day SO needless to say, we didn't get to see him but honestly I didn't give a rats ass. I don't blame him for my childhood....or for my parents getting a divorce. God knows they should have divorced sooner but he did the best he could. He worked hard and was a good provider. What I DO blame him for comes down to one statement he made after the divorce. I said "I don't blame u for divorcing Momma but you didn't have to divorce us kids." And he said, "I just can't deal with her. If I have any contact with her like getting the kids from her then she'll make my life hell. I just can't have ANY contact with her." SO to sum it up....he hated my Mom so much that he deserted his kids and ran from everything. He abandoned us to her...well, my siblings because I was already out of the house at that point. Since then he's not had much to do with us. And so...that's why I don't go out of my way to make an effort to see him. Why should I? My Mom is mad cuz she called me one day last week about some of her drama and I was sick and honestly just NOT in the mood and she called me several times and finally that night I called her around 830 and she didn't answer (to my relief). I went to bed and she called at 945 but I had my ringer off cuz I was sleeping and she kinda left me a mad message. Well, subtle mad....I know my Mom so I know when she's mad. I called her at like 930 the next morning and no answer and we haven't spoken since. Honestly, she has the MOST drama and in some ways we are so different (a lot more alike than I like some too). Most of the time I can deal but that day I was sick...I was hibernating and was not in the mood and she should have respected that. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm too rough on her in my blog. She did cook my meals, buy and wash my clothes, make sure I got to school everyday...to some people I guess she'd be a gem of a Mom but she was abusive, violent. She couldn't deal with her anger quietly or fairly. She hit, kicked, throwed..she pulled my hair, slapped me. Ok, this wasn't where I was going. I'm trying to say that....compared to some Moms she was probably awesome but that still don't make what she did right. You see?

I pay for her Internet. I got her internet so that we could talk on Skype and keep in touch via the Internet and so when I'm down there I can have Internet. The hubs and I had a little....disagreement about this. See, we pay a 250$ a month note on a 4-wheeler that we bought for me but his Dad uses it. I want to pay $30 a month for my Mom some Internet. I told Foy...why does your Dad deserve 250$ and my Mom doesn't deserve 30$? I guess he's use to me talking crap about her but that doesn't change the fact that she raised me and she's my Mom...for better or worse. Family...you can't pick 'em, you just gotta learn to live with them. Needless to say, we pay her Internet. ;)

What I started this blog for is to say....my parents taught me in their own way to care for myself, to be independent, to be cold maybe. They taught me other people are unreliable. It's best to just depend on yourself...cuz really that's the only person you can trust. AND so I'm the monster they created.....deal with it I say to them. Yep, I don't need you. I don't rely you. You are unreliable. I lean elsewhere now.

Limitless Possibilities When You Carry Your Turtle Shell With You!

I see life as a means to a way. If I want something then I don't think about how I can't have it...I think about the steps that will get me there. I say "How can I make this happen?"

This feeling first manifested itself in the Summer/Fall of '99. I worked all summer while staying at my Grandmother's/boyfriends. I worked and saved money so at the end if the summer I could get my own place. I researched apartments, found a job in Lufkin and packed my car to the top (I didn't own any big furniture, just my personal belongings) and made the move and then is when I said to myself..."If I can move 50 miles away like this then what is keeping me from moving 200 miles....a 1000 miles." it was then that the true limitless possibilities surrounded me and I felt well and truly free to go wherever I wanted, BE whoever I wanted. So the people here know me as one thing...I can move at anytime and re-invent myself. Actually the first hint of life's limitless possibilities started when I entered college. My Mom (for reasons that I still don't really know) refused to support my going to college. She refused to give me money, support me, help me pay for it, find me a place to stay, fill out a loan paper....not a damn thing. I even had my boyfriend take me to take the SAT's. My Mom has always resented my fierce independence. I'd say I'm still fiercely independent even married with children. I can take care of myself. I hate feeling helpless or needy...you might as well kill me cuz that would be my version of hell.

There are times when I felt trapped after that...well, really only one. I was managing at Red Lobster, I was pregnant with my first child...we had bought our first house and I owned my first car. ALL these things cost money and I needed the money I was making as a manager to support our lifestyle. There were very few other jobs for a person that didn't graduate college that had better pay, believe me I looked cuz I hated my job. I DID feel trapped but I am one to know when there are no other options and to accept and move on (or so I thought). "I can accept the things I cannot change." Then my hubby rescued me and himself. He found a job that didn't require me to work, packed our belongings up, found us an apartment and sold our house. It seems like when life had me convinced I was trapped he was there for me and I've been there for him since. Speaking of, yesterday he asked me if I ever asked myself,"What are we doing here?" and after many questions on my part he said that he thought it came down to feeling like he was under this house...I think my hubby is feeling trapped so now is one of those times in his life when I'm gonna show him the light and rescue him SO..... our house is going on the market in about two weeks and the Wallace's are lightening their load and looking at limitless possibilities. That takes us to steps to getting what we want so the hubs next days off he nails down the baseboards in the upstairs bathroom (FINALLY!) and I clean our bedroom (PIG STY!). We take some pics and get them and some 'before' pics developed and saved to a CD for the realtor. We make a list of improvements and all the reasons why someone needs to buy our house and find out how much we need to sell it for to pay off our loan. Ta-da. And NO, we have no plans to move. IF (and boy is that a big IF) the house sales soon then we'll just pack up some stuff in storage and rent a house or apartment until the spirit moves us to do something else. I can't see us leaving this town for at least a year and that's even IF the house sales. I feel just fine "here" but if he doesn't then somewhere else we shall go...cuz I'm happy anywhere as long as my kids and hubby are there. They are my turtle shell...wherever they are is where my home is..the rest is just geographical.

Trees Bear Fruit (or what IS a nut?...besides me.)

I want to be sleeping....I laid down to go to sleep but my mind is too busy, too many things running through it. You know there is a tree @ my Grandmothers house that I planted when I was around 10 years old. It is at least 20 years old and it's a pecan tree and for the first time this year it's bearing pecans. You don't know how accomplished that makes me feel! Lol. As if I personally handcrafted each pecan! Because of an action that I did when I was merely a child there is a tree bearing fruit (nut?). I got this tree from Girl Scouts one Arbor Day and was told to plant it where I wanted. The tree had some hard times...we thought it had died at times...one time my brothers pulled and broke it so much playing that we were sure it was done for ....BUT IT LiVED. And now it is tall and bears ...nuts. :D This got me to thinking of Girl Scouts and how it could be a good program and should I enroll Kylie in it. She does cheerleading on Tuesdays and I'm gonna see about signing her up for gymnastics. I'd like for her to take skating lessons again and maybe swimming ones too at some point (I mean those are lessons that could save your life.) and she does soccer in the Spring and softball in the Summer. Anyways, so many choices..so many things to do and so little time. And I have to ask myself ....which ones are the right ones? Is cheerleading and dance the way to go? Is sports? What about music lessons? An instrument? Hockey? Horseback riding? Hell, who knows? I mean she could turn one of these into a lifetime habit. Sometimes when I think about cheerleading or dance I think of the stigma that surrounds it. You know...the floozy...ok, I'll just say it...NO ONE liked the cheerleaders...I mean the girls called 'em sluts and the boys played hard and fast with their reputations at times. But I don't care about high school....HIGH SCHOOL DOESNT MATTER. And if I cared about what ppl thought or imagined that rumors were true then I wouldn't be where I am now and neither would those cheerleaders. Most of the cheerleaders are good women now. They have good self-esteem, set excellent goals for themselves and most of them worked hard and got college degrees or most importantly they are doing what they love now. If I thought that what you looked like on the outside...your clothes, hair, skin color, eyes or even your parents got to decide who or what you are then I wouldn't be here. Let me explain, I was raised Pentecostal. I looked different from everyone. I had long, uncut hair, no makeup, only skirts, no jewelry, no paint on my fingernails. My skirts were required to be at least to my knee but mid-calf was most acceptable. We did not have satellite or cable. My family was lucky to have tv but I was only allowed G-rated movies. I didn't watch MTV or the Mickey Mouse Club. But that didn't say who I was inside. That didn't stop me from being me. OH, ppl judged me constantly based on my outward appearance just because that's human nature...that's what ppl do but that didn't make them right about me. I knew me. And it didn't stop me from doing bad...like they say, I can do bad all by myself. I was probably worse than all the cheerleaders combined. I probably slept with more boys and tried more drugs. I was a little bit like my tree at times to tell the truth. I was the worse for wear sometimes but now I bear fruit. :)

I guess what I'm saying is that what my girls are on the inside is what's gonna matter most and yeah, I might have something to do with that...but probably not by what extracurricular activities that I put them in but by how I act, speak and conduct myself on a daily basis. By how much emphasis I put on keeping promises, working hard and believing in a higher power. My every day actions are gonna speak louder than anything I'll do...and I'm not perfect (I'm sure that wouldn't be helpful to them at all) and hopefully letting them see how I deal with problems, adversity and that I can say "I'm sorry" when I've done wrong will help them. As long as I keep the emphasis on their school work and don't turn into a "stage mom" then I'll be alright...they'll be alright whatever we do.

But this whole blog has not really helped me decide on extracurricular activities, lol. I quit Girl Scouts by about Jr. High and I don't know of anyone that took it farther than that....but if nothing else came of my short stint....well, I have my tree so maybe that's all the reason I need to put her in Girl Scouts....or buy her a tree to plant. :) Oh and it's worth mentioning that I do think I missed my calling in life by being denied so much of a 'normal' life as a child. I think I was born to act. I wonder if any of my daughters have a flair for the dramatic. Well, I never wanted to be a cheerleader..never appealed to me but I was SO envious of the flag Corp. I use to stand outside with a broomstick and practice for hours on end and I was GOOD ....but that was not to be. I tried basketball but being the odd one out in your culottes was not something I liked too much and I tried band but being the only one in the skirt was ...well, not fun..though I was cooler (as in heat ;) than the others. I wanted so much to be a 'normal' person...to have my own room...to have a 'normal' mother. I strive to give these things to my children. The things I did not have they shall. I WILL give them sunshine, shelter and water and one day my little trees will bear whatever kind of fruit they want. :D

My pants ain't on fire!!

Alright I'm back blog but tawdry subjects and those fanciful flights have since taken a back seat cuz I'm pissed. Oh yeah, AGAIN.

I was on my way home from PTO and dropping Lexie's tuition at her school and grabbing some pizza when my phone received an email and I was at a stop light so I gave it a peek and hit delete (I get so much junk). And ok, I'm the first to admit that I probably shouldn't have been looking at my phone and I see cop lights in my rearview. Fucker was incognito. It looked like a suburban, no special markings but had interior cop lights....it was the Sheriff. Anyways, I pulled right over and realized what I was getting stopped for but what really threw me for a loop was his attitude...like he was pissed as hell at me from the start. He was instantly on the offensive. I've gotten stopped a few times in my life....ok, maybe more than a few and I've never had a cop be a bigger a-hole. I readily admitted to looking at my phone at which juncture he called me a liar and said I was texting. "I saw u pushing buttons on that phone, don't lie". Apparently the a-hole is technologically deficient and doesn't know u can "push buttons" on ur phone without texting. At that point I decided to cut my losses and smile and bare it....while gritting my teeth I was envisioning my triumphant court appearance where I bring my phone records in and call the a-hole on his deficiency. Anyways, "grin and bare it" just got me a warning but I guess you can say that the Sheriff didn't gain a fan. Actually I plan on looking into registering in this county tomorrow just so I can vote against the fucker in the next election. Needless to say, I've done a lot of grinning and bearing all evening. My kids have never been in the car when I've been pulled over so they were nervous and asking questions and I don't want them to fear police officers or think it's ok to break laws so I calmly explained that he was only helping Mommy to see that she was doing something wrong. I had a lot of bad words to call the man when talking to my hubby but out of the kids hearing. You know, I've been pulled over before and never had this strong a reaction but he called me a liar and I realize that he probably deals with liars and a-holes of his own on a regular basis but he doesn't need to take it out on me. I take being called a liar a very personal insult. I DO NOT LIE...not everyone does. You know he really seemed like he was having a bad day but u know what...you don't get to take that out on me. If your in a position of authority such as his you need to especially be sure your not taking it out on others. I could have passed on his bad mood and taken it out on my kids but u know what...I'm a better person and a better Mother than that and the buck stops here like they say. I will not let him make me an ornery, pissy Mom this afternoon. Sheriff Haskell.....I DO NOT GIVE U THE POWER!

Compartmentalization. Is that suppose to be a bad thing?

Would just like to confide in you blog that the hubby and I celebrated having two kids in school (and one napping).....yep, uh-huh...we celebrated in the living room. He's off on Friday..who knows where we might celebrate next! I would also like to confide that I have the best sex life EVER and I have more to say on this tawdry subject but it'll have to wait til later cuz right now I have to open the "I'm a fantastic Mom" compartment and go be that...with my bed head (or would that be couch head, floor head?). After that I'll be opening the " I'm a PTO Mom" compartment...

J-E-L-L-O

Do u ever get tired of being a big fat fucking cliche?

That's all I wanted to say....I wanted to Fb it but Fb is pissing me....no, i'm not going there again...I just mean cuz I have too many ppl that my mouth would offend and it's mostly their fault cuz I'm not one for friend requesting ppl. I figure If I ask you and then my mouth offends you, it's my bad but if it's the other way around then it's your fault.

BTW, my cryptic wanna be vaguebooking started out referring to Ashton Kutcher. I was Tweeting...sometimes it's so much easier to speak my mind there cuz...well, no one is there..anyways, I was tweeting and I follow him and sometimes he's so cliche. "Epic!" he says. What, doesn't everyone say that now. Maybe I'm just taking my pissed offness out on poor Ashton. It's my 8 year anniversary ( ok OUR...what the fuck ever) and I was totally down with spending it alone, cleaning, getting ready for school to start tomorrow AND then my honey came home and changed my plans and made me think we were gonna have dinner together (with kids of course) and now he's a no fucking show. Ggrrr. I've warned him about this before. I hate to expect something and not get it. I'm not one to get my hopes for the unlikely but if it looks likely or someone I trust makes promises.....

Anyways, I'm pissy. Won't be the last time I'll be pissy I guess....sure ain't the first.

And if you wanna know what I was tweeting ...well, there are no secrets on my blog. ;) I just said something about not having did this much hair removal since I got married and he better appreciate it. OH I did seriously come up with a good comic bit while I was nairing all the hair on my body. Some woman whose seriously excited about a date or going on a date for the first time should be nairing her legs and get a important phone call (possibly from this date) and forget she's nairing and accidentally nair her eyebrows. I thought if you did it right it could be a good funny bit. I come up with this stuff cuz I come so close to doing it myself. I'm so blonde and spacy sometimes that I could seriously imagine myself nairing my eyebrows EASILY.

Speaking of blonde and spacy, I'm smarter than you think I am. I'm someone you never wanna underestimate. I cover my slicing wit and intelligence with my blundering idiot charm. That way you never see me coming. :) on a similar subject (my intelligence or lack thereof), I saw an old friend while I was back in Texas @ Wally (where else?). And he teaches Senior math @ a local high school and we were saying how my brother needed a tutor and Otis says "Ginger was good at math". What universe was he on? I had another friend ( I'll admit this to you blog) that filled out a survey about me and I saved it. She said I was " one of the most intelligent people she knew". She was a smart girl and it felt good that she said so. I guess since I only use my brain, math, reading...skills these days to take care of a house and some kids then I need that reassurance now and then that the stuff in my head is not turning to jello as I go about fulfilling my mind- numbing daily chores. Though I do think Otis is suffering from memory loss. I was good at everything but if there was a thorn in my side then it was Math. One day soon I will take this jello in my head and shape it up and use it again...with purpose.

iPad

I'm typing on my new iPad. I can't tell I how lucky I feel to b me most of the time. It's like I'm living in a fairy tale. My kids are perfect, my house, my car, my hubby is awesome. My friends r the bestest, my family is so supportive and I feel so secure in their love for me. Well, I guess I could be thinner, quieter, nicer....a lot of things. Maybe it's not that everything is perfect but that I choose to see it that way. Perception is the key. To quote India Aire "Back when I had a little
I thought that I needed a lot
A little was over rated,
but a lot was a little too complicated
You see-Zero didn't satisfy me
A million didn't make me happy
That's when I learned a lesson
That it's all about your perception
Hey-are you a pauper or a superstar
So you act, so you feel, so you are
It ain't about the size of your car
It's about the size of the faith in your heart"

That's one of my favorite songs cuz I love the message. It's all in the 'tude. ;)

It changes..but really stays the same.

It amazes me how much things stay the same. You don't talk to or hear of people in a long time and when you meet them again...it's the same. The same ppl that were annoying, stupid, vicious, retarded, lazy, bitchy...they are the same. I mean I think I've changed since high school. Not that I was a bad person...some of my actions were bad. Maybe it's not so much that I have changed but my actions have. I like to think I've gained wisdom or at least new perspective through the years but I'm probably much the same. On the opposite end of the spectrum, the same people that I thought were interesting (one of the highest awards in my book), cool, sweet, funny...they still are too. Luckily time has left them as they are as well. And there are the occasional surprises..someone you didn't know well because they got overlooked or you didn't rotate in the same circles..it was always harder to 'border cross' then than it is now..well, those ppl can be a surprise. You can mourn the time you didn't take to know them better because it might have been worth your while. I also mourn the time I spent trying to delve into someone when it looked like there might be more and I hit shallow water all the way around. Sometimes you see what you want because you love the person ...instead of what's there.

Random Thoughts: Confessions, Prodigies, and Anne Shirley

Some random thoughts of the day:

Have you ever wanted to confess you deepest, darkest secrets to someone? Maybe not even those...just the embarrassing ones? The ones that you don't even tell yourself? We all want that, don't we? Someone who's gonna love us even when we spill the beans..own up to our biggest, ratiest mistakes. Sometimes I wanna spill the beans, sometimes I DO. I gotta big mouth and sometimes what someone else might consider their biggest, baddest secret just trickles off my tongue. It's camouflage. If you tell the truth when the truth doesn't matter then you can afford to tell a little white lie when it does. You just gotta know what matters to who and what doesn't.

I read about an 8 year old painting prodigy today. Apparently at 5 he drew just like a normal 5 year old and then one day his parents took him on vaca and he asked to draw a pic of the scene and BOOM..he's drawing with passion and zeal and he's taking a few lessons and wowing the world and making 100,000's of dollars. I thought..how lucky, to know at 8 what your life is gonna be like. To know your THAT good at something that your being compared to Monet and Picasso. To have found your life's work that easily....to have it dropped in your lap. No questions of a college major or money issues ..I guess maybe there is a flip side too...maybe you want those questions...maybe it ain't or shouldn't be so cut and dried at the ripe old age of 8...

I've been reading "Anne of Green Gables". I thought...how much better of a role model is she for today's  youth than Bella Swan. Anne was a girl of whimsical spirit and high minded morals. A sweet, honest, timeless girl ...I so thought I was Anne Shirley when I was a little girl. I was gonna grow up with my Gilbert and talk like Anne, walk like Anne...That wasn't a bad thing to aspire to be. I think I shall re-take Anne Shirley as my role model. Who says I'm too old for a role model? ;)

We can't all be survivors...

So I love my Nook SO much that I've read SIX books on it just since I got it. Wowzer. I've spent WAY too much money cuz it's SO easy to push the buy button when I want to read the next book.

Speaking of the next book, four of the books I've read were in the Fever Series by Karen Marie Moning. The heroine of the books is named Mac short for MacKayla and she starts out a simple twit of a girl and winds up being a badass Superwoman like girl whose still learning but somehow managing to kick butt ..mostly. I thought to myself...why do we like books and movies like this...where ppl in impossible cataclysmic situations manage to rise above the obstacles and prove themselves worthy of living and excelling. You know we like these kind of novels cuz we see ourselves. I mean say there was apocalyptic event we can't see ourselves being the sheep that are lying down ...the extras in the movieand letting it go in the first moments but the survivors..the tough ones, the stars of the show. We think somehow we're gonna be them...or we hope so. Do I think there is gonna be a cataclysmic event in the future? Definitely..even if your not a believer in the Bible or the Apocalypse I don't see how you can deny it. The government is preparing us for one...it will happen and as the Bible says...we will know not when or where. That's no reason to live in fear though...but sometimes I think it's a reason to live in preparation.

Porn or Erotica, Both?

So I got my Nook in the mail and on a recommendation from a friend (well, actually a couple of friends) I decided to buy some paranormal romance/erotica/supernatural..whatever you wanna call it by Joey Hill called "The Vampire Queens Servant" (the first in the series). Whoa, man...it's some smokin' hot gettin' it on STUFF! I am a little ashamed to say that I finished the whole book yesterday (in one day!!) and I can't wait to get the next one. On a related note, Foy visited today and I can't say for sure if the heart grows fonder with absence but I do know some other parts missed him. ;) (Yes, it's my blog and I can be inappropriate.)

And I am in the adult reading program at the library and if I write a blog about the book I read then I get my name in the pot an extra time for the prize but I'm embarrassed to write a blog about this one! I usually don't read romance cuz to me it feels like filler....like idle reading..I mean don't get me wrong, I don't read historical non-fiction stuff or anything but I do read things that I feel like have a storyline or take some thinking or have 'meat' ya know ...but in my defense this book DOES have a pretty good plot but I'd be lying if I told you I was gonna buy the second book for the story line...that would be like someone reading Playboy for the articles. And also on the similar topic, I think it's SO funny that women will read this stuff and admit it but won't admit to watching a porno or WEIRDER...have ethical or moral problems with porno but not with this erotica. Having read/watched both I'm here to tell you that this erotica I'm reading is WAY worse than any porn I've seen lately...I'm just saying. I mean I guess the erotica is all imagination but porn is ACTUAL ppl.

He likes me better...

So I forgot to mention that while my MIL was in and she made the tuna salad that she made two portions because she wanted some with sweet relish and I usually make it with dill pickles chipped up...anyways, Foy tried both kinds and declared he liked it the way I make it better. How silly is it that I felt a bit smug? Then again he could have realized that he has to live with me and said that just to make me happy (though I swear I wouldn't have cared)...well, not much anyways. ;)

Sizing charts to help me hide my size, NO THANK YOU.

So I bought some new clothes via Maurices. I REALLY like their clothes and was excited to find out that they sold plus sizes. I really hate that term by the way. It's like when Kylie's preschool termed her 'typical'. Well, my size should just be MY size and not plus. What's up with that? And there is nothing typical about my Kylie-bug. She's extraordinary in EVERY way (why am I writing in caps so much?). Anyways, but instead of actually listing the size in the clothes they have a sizing chart that corresponds to a number. So if you look in my clothes then I wear a size 2, lmao. I mean like I don't know I'm overweight or I should be ashamed of the size of my clothes. Their 'regular' size clothes are normal..no special sizing charts for them. It's such BS. Look, I'm not ashamed of the size clothes I wear and something about them doing this makes me feel like I should be. I just found it slightly annoying. That's all I wanted to say...it ANNOYED me.

MIL, Tattoos, Vaca's, Ipad's and FUN.

Oh lord, I don't know where to begin. My MIL visited....When I mention a visit ppl always ask HOW I get along with her and I guess you could say alright. She's ok..she has appalling sanitation ( I swear she will leave a public restroom (the only restroom where I am IN the restroom with her) without washing her hands). *shiver* She made some tuna fish because I didn't have time to go in the kitchen and make it because I was packing for the kids for our trip. I didn't WANT her in my kitchen but it just worked out that way and then I refused to eat the tuna all vaca and luckily the kids don't like it. I can't help it! All I could think about was her lack of hand washing..ick!

I got a tattoo. I like it but I didn't know until after I got the tattoo that ink 'migrates' more on the foot, which is like where it gets fuzzy looking so it needs touch-ups and re-does more often.  It also does that on the face and hands faster than other parts of the body. It requires extra care and caution during the healing process which is a bit different than other parts of the body.I ALSO did not know until right before I got it that the foot is one of the most painful places to get a tattoo. After all this was my FIRST tattoo and that was kinda like jumping in FULL blast, if you know what I mean. After reading up on foot tats I can't help but feel a bit smug and proud of myself for enduring the pain. It's a bit like a badge of courage that's visible to everyone when my other 'badges' aren't, meaning the figurative ones not the literal ones. It's like I can say "Look, what I did. I made it through 'trial by fire' and came out the other side". But in looking back, it was so typically ME. I don't like doing things by halves or in a wishy washy manner. If I'm going to do something then I'm gonna jump in with both feet firmly planted and a firm grip on reality. I picked my tattoo faster than my hubby and once I had done that and picked the spot (my foot) then I was all business. I'm not one to meander or debate. I like fast, snappy decisions in life. My husband and I are so opposite in the this way. Well, he is as prone to me to make rash decisions occasionally but he's definitely the more wishy washy one. I tend to make snap decisions and follow them through blindly (even if the wrong in my decision is pointed out). I believe in dedicating yourself to it 100% once you've decided on a course of action. Anyways, I will really like it when the swelling goes down ( a side effect of a foot tattoo). And I'm super bummed about no more water activities for pretty much the whole rest of this summer (because you can't submerge the tat).

I don't know why I'm so restless lately. I just got back from SLC on a four day mini-vaca and I'm already thinking of jettin' up to Pinedale for a little mini-vaca with the hubs. Summer does this to me I think...And I'm thinking of taking a couple weeks in August and going back to Texas to see the fam there..driving this time which might sound crazy to some (that's me, CRAZY.) but I need my car...it's like my turtle shell, my home away from home. I feel severely naked without it AND my house when in Texas.

We're thinking of getting an Ipad. Our desktop is pretty much adios and Foy doesn't like sharing the laptop with me. He thinks he needs his own so we thought about getting me an Ipad with memory for pics, tunes..I can access the Internet and download books like the Kindle. (How did we get to having to be a TWO computer family? It seems with every extravagance we indulge in somehow there becomes a point where we can't seeing going BACK..to whatever was BEFORE.) Then again Foy (always wanting to take it a step farther) thinks maybe we should just get a Apple laptop (like MacAir) and be done with it but then if we do that then I want a Kindle AND then I was thinking that SCREW IT..I just want a Kindle anyways SOOOOOOO..who knows what we're gonna do. I don't know why I felt like telling you, reader, of this on-going internal debate.

I think that pretty much covers anything of IMPORTANCE that is going on with me right now.

On a less literal note, I was thinking tonight about how there are different ideas of 'fun' for everyone. I had a discussion with Foy about what he thinks is fun because I had come to the conclusion that we were fighting more because he was unhappy and I love my husband and I want to make him happy so I simply asked...what will make you happy? And he doesn't know..lol...or he says, playing the PlayStation...but he said honestly, it's been so long since he had fun that he doesn't even know anymore and that made me sad. It made me real sad cuz then he asked me and I thought..I have fun ALL the time. Every day is fun for me. Spending time with my kids, doing activities with them...seeing their faces light up..THAT is fun for me. I genuinely LIKE my kids (most of the time) and I love spending time with them and they make me smile and they make me happy...how sad for him that he doesn't feel the same. I have a feeling that whatever I did though..I would find fun in. You can make lots of things fun if your just determined to have fun and patient when things are not going that way...if you are fluid and change...if you have empathy and are kind. Fun is free and to be had everywhere. I hope you find some fun today, reader... : D

No Hoochy Mamas Here

For days now I've had in mind a blog I wanted to write...I've written in my head numerous times (and talked over some of the issues with my hubby) so at this point I'm feeling a little redundant like I've been here before and already said this.

A couple of days ago I was eating lunch with the girls and some high school girls came in (I would have thought them college except they had on "Tigers Volleyball" shirts) and I was appalled at the booty shorts this girl was wearing. And that's when it dawned on me....a new chapter has started in my life..I'm sure it's been coming slowly or quickly ..I'm sure it may have been here awhile but I suddenly realized that I had arrived there. I use to see these girls and compare them to myself and now I see them and think "Does her father know she left the house in that?" and I compare them to my girls. After all they are closer to my girls age (saying they were 16--that's only 10 years older than Kylie) than they are to mine. I graduated high school 12 years ago. (REALLY?!?) I think about what I want for my girls at that age...realizing at the same time that only so much of what I want will be a factor. By the time they get that age, it will pretty much be out of my hands. I will have had to make sure that I have instilled values and morals and all the proper things to help them make decisions that are good....hopefully to NOT wear those curve hugging, tiny-bit-larger than panties shorts. I mean the other girls were tan and athletic but most of them were wearing sport shorts that were loose fitting and allowed movement and WERE SHORT but were more appropriate somehow. And I don't want you to think that in SOME ways I wasn't comparing them to me...but more like in the way of "I wish I was that age again...ah, what a great age...and most of all had my 18 year old body back (even though it was nowhere as trim or tan as theirs!)". There was another girl in the eatery. She was obviously a bookworm. Shorter, whiter, but still trim and neat ...not so stylish..but with books and a giant purse. And that's when it occurred to me ...who do I want my girls to be? What am I grooming them for? Yes, they go to dance, and soon gymnastics..they did soccer this year and Kylie is currently doing t-ball. BUT they also are in the Summer Reading program at the library and I encourage reading with the girls. We read A LOT around here and I put a big emphasis on school and learning..on reading. I bought posters for the toy room with the alphabet, sounds, number, in cursive writing...I bought books for them to work on this summer to help them next year. Lexie is going into preschool this fall (she's 4) and she can write her name, recognize almost all her numbers (she sometimes gets 3 and 8, 6 and 9 mixed up), recognize all her shapes, colors, and most of her alphabet. I encourage arts and crafts, coloring...I guess I wonder. Will they be the shy, white bookworm...will they look at those girls (if they aren't them) as I did and feel like they are less somehow...feel like they aren't as pretty or popular. I want them to feel pretty and be ....pretty popular but I don't want booty shorts and hoochy mamas. I hope that I can do better than my parents (no offense) in helping the girls feel beautiful as they are. Because that shy, white bookworm might think she's getting the crappy end of the deal right now but just wait. She will grow her wings and the caterpillar will be a beautiful butterfly (with a big brain and lots of opportunities).I guess what I'm trying to say is some of what I'm doing now is going to make a difference and I hope I'm doing the right things. I hope I'm setting the right standards and teaching the girls modesty and niceness and to be fair and sweet and ethical and.....so much. I hope.......I try....we'll see....I monitor more than other parents I see..what they watch on TV which I think has a big part of it. The girls don't watch iCarly or Hannah Montana (unless it's been by accident). I want them to have GOOD role models and I haven't made my mind up about those girls yet...we don't need another Britney Spears incident, now do we. A whole generation of pre-teeners looking up to her and now LOOK.

In closing (I promise I'm closing), I just don't wanna make too many mistakes. I want to be a good parent. I want something in between the shy bookworm and the hoochy mama tan goddess....I want my girls to be themselves. I want them to love themselves and to know that they are loved. Live by a set of values and don't let anyone sway them or give into popularity or the general opinion. I want them to think for themselves and make their own paths. I want them to be happy.

My Old Love...My First Love..

So I bought two books tonight...it's been too long. I do SO love to read and it seems lately with LIFE getting in the way I've had little time for my long lost love ....my fav pastime, reading. I sat on the aisle at Kmart and thought long and hard about my book selection. Since I haven't done it in so long I don't want to waste my time with drivel. I almost selected "Tuesdays with Morrie". I know I'm a little late on this gravy train. I guess I've resisted reading it because EVERYONE was. I try so hard to make up my own mind, live my life according to my rules...and defy the general public that sometimes (out of stubbornness mostly) I rebel against something (like reading a novel that everyone is raving about) when if I'd care more about making up my own mind instead of just being stubborn I might actually like it. I regress. So there I stood in the aisle and I read a couple of pages of "Tuesdays with Morrie" and was spellbound. I didn't want to put it down even to buy it but I closed it and found a couple of other books that sounded good "Water for Elephants" and "Sarah's Key" and ultimately I put "Tuesdays with Morrie" down and selected the other two. I WILL read it though...the next chance I get. Who knows when that will be?! Well, if the weather stays as rainy and dreary as this weekend has been I shall have lots of time for staying inside and reading.

The girls have dance class tomorrow...for the month of June so far anyways. I'm going to look into getting them with a different dance studio because this one is SO expensive. I've had two in town recommended to me. But they are excited, so of course, so am I.

Grow UP--FOR REAL!!!

So recently two ...acquaintances that are 30 and over wrote something along the lines of these two comments: Person A: I'm finding my own place soon. It's time I became a big girl." Person B: "It's time to sit down and figure out what I really want out of life."

All I wanna say is .....REALLY? Just NOW it's time? How can you be over 30 years old WITH a child and still live in your parents house and expect anyone to take you seriously...especially a man. I mean **sarcasm alert** MEN really love it when they have to drop you off at your door step and see your parents peeping through the curtains to see your goodnight kiss. REALLY?! And boy-o, is it EVER time to figure out what you need out of life when your life is almost half over and you have a couple kids. If your just now sitting down to figure that out then you should have grew up a long time ago.

And another thing, I'm tired of ppl whining about everyone being in their business when they publish their business on the WORLD WIDE WEB. Don't do that if you want it private!! For example (this is an ACTUAL example of an ACTUAL PERSON and event that comes to mind), don't post one day that your divorcing your husband and then the next day post about how everyone needs to stay out of your business and not create problems with your marriage. Seems to me like you should have counted to ten (or a hundred) and took a couple of deep breathes (or got a good nights sleep) before you posted that you were divorcing him.

In the spirit of fairness, I've been known to post when in the heat of the moment and regret it later so I can see how it would be done but you can BET that if I posted I was getting a divorce then I damn sure would (if only to save face ;).

I feel more comfortable posting in the heat of the moment on my blog than in my other virtual worlds. ;) Facebook and Myspace don't seem the right mediums. Maybe because when I post something I feel fervently about it requires more than the allotted word space that those two sites give me.

GLEEful Thoughts

I laughed, I cried, I danced, I sang, I loved, I hated, I fell to the depths of despair and rode the clouds of ecstasy. I felt the first beats of love, I felt love endured, love not given a chance, loves unfulfilled promise, love so great it requires you to make choices that hurt you but give new chances to the one you love...THIS is why I watch "Glee". And this is just one episode. ;)

Other thoughts I had about last nights season finale:

Sue's Sylvester's heart grew two sizes last night.

Quinn sure recovered FAST! Craziness... And her 'labor' was much too pretty as TV labor often is but I did love the symbolism in the song and dance that accompanied it.

I love a show that's about teenagers in a show choir in Ohio.... What does that say about me?

The world was ripe for a show like "Glee" after all the sing and dance reality talent shows out there. ex. American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, America's Got Talent, etc.