Incomplete...Ginger Interrupted.

I am a finiky (sp?) blogger. I've realized that if I get interrupted and my train of thought gets off track then it's a bust. I can't tell you how many incomplete drafts I have....so sad. Like the rest of my life, incomplete.

I only say this because I have started 3 actual blogs in the past week and numerous ones in my head...all of which have went unpublished. sigh..

(writing this post about incomplete post I was interrupted 3 times...for very good reason considering it's Lexie with a virus or stomach issue..she's throwing up..my life is FULL of poop and puke. FML. :)<--I can't say that with a serious face cuz I don't really believe it. Life is good even if there are randomly bad spots. My poor, poor Lexie-bug)

In response to Kim...

In response to my friends blog.

I think we're all guilty of over-worrying or over-thinking. I mean I know I 'replay' the day in my head and see what I said that I shouldn't have or what I said that could have been different or wondered if someone saw me in a way that I wasn't..like maybe I portrayed the wrong message about myself. The key FOR ME is to stay busy. If I sit and I think and I think and I sit then it (the thing I'm thinking about) seems to get bigger and bigger until it becomes bigger than me and then there's crying and general negative thinking. I'm sure they were talking about me or it was an under-handed jab at me in some way or they really make fun of me when I'm not looking or I'm such a horrible person, blah blah blah. I hate myself. I'm useless, why would anyone like me..I think we all have these moments BUT like I said the key for me is to stay busy because if I'm doing something else then I have less time to worry about me. I use my kids especially. Sometimes I may not can/want to do something FOR ME but I can for my kids. I'll convince myself to get off my ass and be a better Mom even if I can't be a better person right then. And it's about breaking the pattern for me, the think and sit pattern. It's like a hole that after awhile it would be easier to sit in the hole than find a way out of it and the bigger the hole gets then the easier it gets to sit. I have to break pattern. I have to LITERALLY drag my ass up and make something different...take a trip, visit a friend (someone who likes me when I don't even like me), visit family (I mean they HAVE to love you. ;). It may take a simple pattern break like a shopping trip or weekend away or a playgroup date. I have noticed that when I feel shitty the first thing I do is get online (that part doesn't always help but then I get with my friends and I plan a date for a movie or a shopping trip). If I can get something to look forward to then it helps. This hole is not an unfamiliar place for any of us.

Doing anything new is hard for me as well. I haven't started working out at Zumba or the rec center or Cocoon because I'm socially awkward in unfamiliar situations. I'm afraid people are laughing at my fat ass or talking about me behind my back. I'm worried I'm gonna show up at the wrong class or say the wrong thing or do something stupid like trip and fall on my fat ass. :) Sometimes I don't think I translate well to a stranger for the first time since I usually just say what pops in my head which is usually the wrong thing (funny sometimes but often hurtful or just WRONG; I've seen people look at me before like 'weirdo')I do not call in my pizza; I usually use the internet to order so I don't have to talk to people. I make hotel reservations, plane reservations and almost anything else I can do without using a person then I do it. At the airport I use the kiosk check-in so I can spend as little time interacting as possible. For example, when I wanted to re-do the flower beds Foy suggested I talked to the neighbor about it and I was like NO. I already have to go to Home Depot and get the stuff and talk to a sales person there then I can just ask my questions there rather than having to talk to someone else ALSO. I absolutely refuse to ask for help from anyone most of the time actually because I'm afraid of appearing weak or needy. I see needing help of any kind as a weakness. I judge others harshly but it's because I judge myself by those same criteria which can get exhausting, let me tell ya. I judge myself harshly in comparison to others. I compare their clothes, car, behavior of their children, home, home decor, hair style, hair color, makeup application, weight, teeth...you name it. If I've seen you then I've compared yours to mine. In this aspect though I have found comfort because I realize that sometimes the things I hate the most about myself others may be jealous of. This is the one part that (even though I still do it) I can usually shrug off because I may be jealous of one or two things about them but there are at least one or two things that I figure I've got going for me. Nobody is perfect. I mean they may have perfect hair or perfect teeth but I bet they hate their weight or the car they drive and then when it comes to kids I figure it all balances out. Their kids will be perfect in some way but deficient in others as are mine so I figure there is balance there. That's mostly how I think of my life in comparison. No one has it all. Not even movie stars..

So MY NAME IS GINGER, AND IF KIM IS A SERIOUS MENTAL CASE THEN SO AM I! ;)

I don't have perfect self-esteem and I don't know anyone that does. I know I don't and I still love myself and I stay busy.

Blogophobia

As I was telling one of my friends I've been experience a little blogophobia (word I made up) lately due to recently having been 'bitten' on the subject. 'Nuff said. But like any other thing (for example riding a bike) if you fall off (make a mistake) then you just gotta get back up and do it again so here goes....so I got nothin' real important to say but if I'm gonna jump back on this horse then I better do it now or I might never.

I've debated the wisdom in even having a blog lately ...especially for someone like me (a confessed diarrhea mouth). I write so much better when I can be free to say what I want, how I want without feeling like everyone and their mother is judging me on my harsh insights or hastily written over-zealous opinions. I've always known that about myself..my harshness. It's a trait of mine that I work hard to suppress mostly (and I promise is not a trait I value in myself) but like a friend said (I hate to be typical here) but when near or during that time of the month I have a harder time muzzling myself. I'm sure it's easier for my friends whom I have NOT offended to forgive me this trait than those that I have. But forgiveness is not always something that I have given lightly and in an effort to not be hypocritical I cannot hold it against some to be unforgiving. BUT I can say that those FEW ppl that I have forgiven (some family, some friends) it has felt good to forgive. Forgiveness is divine and it definitely lightens your load...I always felt a distinct sense of lightening when I'm forgiven someone. Anyways, enough on forgiveness...

I do not often blog about my day to day activities because I'm afraid that others would find them mundane PLUS unless I have something special planned ..they ARE rather mundane. But in my effort to get over my blogophobia I am determined to write SOMETHING and since that feels relatively SAFE then I'm going to bore you for a sec.

We haven't done a damn thing today..lol..but eaten breakfast (frozen pancakes nuked), lunch (fried spam sandwiches and a peanut butter "no-bake" pie that I whipped up this morning) and the girls played outside for a bit. I have caught up on my DVR'd shows and later tonight we are going to have dinner at Candace's (yay, for me not having to cook!) and play a few games maybe and I'm looking forward to a relaxing evening. My hubby is thinking of taking off the next couple of days and we plan to get the swamp cooler squared away for the summer and I would like to FINALLY do some work on these ugly flower beds. I probably won't do planting right away but I'd like to get the new bricks put around it and dig out some dirt and put plastic down and add some nice 'friendly' dirt to them and get them ready for the fall when I plan to plant bulbs so I don't have to worry so much about them every year. I have better things to do than worry about flower beds incessantly. Anyways, since I feel I have done my 'blogly' duty. I will ...see you later, reader.

Disclaimer AGAIN!

For those of you that have recently had a PROBLEM with my blog I would like to point out that my blog does come with a disclaimer.

My recent blog about my husband made me remember that I had this disclaimer because just because I felt that way one minute doesn't mean I feel that way now. As a woman I'm full of emotion. One minute I'm riding the high and the next I'm kissing the ground. I try to spend most my time riding the high because that's so much better but I'm not PERFECT. No matter how often I blog about how I am. ;) Saying it just hasn't made it come true, dammit.

You don't have the power!

U will not make me become my Mother. I do NOT give u that power.

I'm on my cell and I guess I need to tell someone--u blog that I HOPE no one reads.

My hubby just told me that he was on Fb @ 4am and he saw this girl that was his friend on Fb and she had made several comments/updates about how she needed a friend right then. So he in ALL his wisdom responds and (she's drunk) she gives him her number AND he calls her. She has some story about how the Sheriff (who recently got her 'off' something she was in jail for) is texting her dirty messages and she's married with two kids AND her husband recently cheated on her and even though the Sheriff is like 50 years old--she can't help but be flattered at the attention.

My response: Stay the fuck away from her! U shouldn't have called her in the first place. This is the first step on a rocky path. I have a problem...I feel betrayed that my hubby is chattin' up some drunk chic @ 4am. He's opening up to her emotionally--listening to her in a way that he doesn't even listen to me. WTF?! I feel betrayed. And he responds that at least he used his truck phone and I can check it cuz if he used his cell--well, the company pays it now. Why would his mind even jump there?! I hadn't even thought about that!

Well I am calm..have been calm. That's just me. When I'm the MOST mad, I'm ice. I'm sweet, kind, gentle, understanding ...AND I'm plotting a strategy. So I can turn into my Mother here and check his phone, check up on him, accuse him all the time, and generally make his life a living hell BUT who'd be winning there. Certainly not me. And I like to win. No, I hope his ass does screw up--wonder how much child support for three kids is? And I want part of his 401K and all the damn furniture. I'm the scary wife--the one that u don't know is leaving til u got the papers in hand and ur bags are on the front walk. Of course, at this point I'm not debating divorce...I'm just saying I wanna have a plan should this lead there. Bullshit is officially at an end now. Time for business.

And u must realize that I blog in righteous anger right now..while sitting in my car and contemplating my options. I'm a look before u leap girl...now I could yell and scream and plead and make demands but I can tell u from experience that if they WANNA leave--it's easier if u just let them go. Part of me debated calling or writing the girl with threats...haha. That's not me. AND I sure ain't a pleader or a groveler. So of all my options then I guess I chose the right one--his freedom. He's always been free to leave if he wants and that hasn't changed. Just don't screw me in the process or don't think u are--and don't let the doorknob hit ya where the good Lord split ya!

We All Sit in Judgment....at some point.

The word 'judgmental' has been on my mind alot lately and of course, I looked up the definition...and it pretty much means to be in judgment of ..(excellent question, READER, what does judgment mean?) but more harshly and judgment pretty much means an authoritative opinion. And I thought 'wow, they don't make judgmental seem that bad at all...and it has such a bad rap.' So it pretty much means a harsh authoritative opinion. Ah-hah! Well, then I started to think how we HAVE to sit in judgment of some things. We have to judge our friends, our children's friends, their teachers, the babysitter, the school our child attends...and the list goes on. Mostly we judge things to keep ourselves and our children safe. But I guess the part of the definition that we should pay MORE attention to is that fact that we should be 'authoritative' on the subject of our judgment. We shouldn't jump to quick conclusions based on false info or mis-read info. And judgmental adds the word harsh. We should try to use the golden rule when making our judgments...'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.' We should be as lenient as we can allow ourselves to be ...we should give them the benefit of the doubt..we should evaluate whether the info we are judging them on is related to what we 'need' from this person. For example, I find out the babysitter is gay. Does this effect her ability to do the job? Am I just being prejudice and judgmental if I allow this fact to obscure the other wonderful qualities she has (in this scenario we are assuming she is PERFECT, otherwise.). We should just make sure we have adequate information when passing judgment on a person. <--I think that statement sums up what I'm trying to say here.> But I try to keep in mind that only God can pass ultimate judgment and when I feel I've been judged harshly or brutally or incorrectly then I try to find comfort that his is the ONLY judgment that matters because he is not MISREADING the info..he sees what's in my heart and that's where it counts.

Defensive Humor

I use humor as a defense mechanism. I realize this, I do. I like to make people laugh to start with. I LOVE to make people laugh. I figure if I can leave a person happier than when I met them then I did my job. I see myself as a 'dirty' Santa Clause, lol..spreading good dirty fun and laughs wherever I go. Laughter bonds people,opens up a party, brings people together..Laughter IS the best medicine. I believe it. I'm a glass half full person and I try to share that with everyone. This 'defense' has saved me. There were times (and still are) that if I didn't laugh then I was gonna cry or go crazy or give up. If I can make fun of you (in the nicest way and only if I really like you) or ME then we're ok, right? I also use humor as a 'cover'. I figure if I make fun of myself before anyone else does, then I'm one step ahead of the game, right? They can't hurt me if I'm laughing at myself, right? You'll notice that I add 'right?' when I'm writing a 'statement' that I need your affirmation of. I try to be self-aware. I try not to go around stating that I'm 'self-aware' cuz it seems to me that people who do that are usually not SELF-AWARE. lol. BUT I do try to be aware of myself, my faults (many!), my quirks, my problems, my eccentricities...In the emails and comments I've gotten recently some people have stated how very comfortable I am with myself and how much I'm ME and very self-assured and I hope this hasn't come off in my blogs like ...I'm conceited or full of myself or self-centered (ok, to even have a blog you probably have to be a LITTLE self-centered) ..I have many faults which I'm sure I've discussed in some blog or another and things that if I COULD I might change but sometimes their just PART of me and I have had to accept them and I expect TRUE friends to do the same. I do try to keep my politics and religious opinion to myself because those can get you into trouble fast...And I can be mean but I do TRULY try to be a good, nice person and think of others and I'm the WORST person ever to have a good intention and then do nothing about..my follow-thru is NOT SO GREAT. I tend to run from strong emotions (especially those that lead to crying) because I'm a sympathetic cryer and tend to get flustered and not know how to respond so I RUN AWAY...I'm judgmental. I stand on my own two feet and I expect others to do it so I judge too harshly sometimes when I shouldn't..what's weird is it's not the things that most people judge someone on. Had a sex change, think you may be gay, bi or have a past that involves incarceration, NO PROBLEM. Like younger men, had an affair, currently having an affair, like to dress like a slut, have a secret addiction, NO PROBLEM. I judge women (Moms) most harshly on how they are with their children, whether their addictions, problems, idiosyncrasies effect their children adversely..that's A PROBLEM. You wanna make 'bad' decisions, you wanna live your life, GO FOR IT but not if it effects your children. I guess having lived in an abusive household as a child has skewed my perception of what is 'abusive' and what's not. Mostly that I judge things 'abusive' that some people would overlook. Well, enough said. Having started this blog about laughter :D and ended it with child abuse..I think I've took a 180 and it's time to say goodnight. So farewell reader...

You are not ALONE!

So I wrote a blog post a few weeks ago entitled "So I had a bad day..." and I've been surprised at the responses I've received. First I'm flattered that ANYONE even reads my blog...after all, I kinda write under the impression that NO ONE is reading it because if I wrote it under the assumption that people were going to read it then I'd have to be very careful what I wrote and I don't like to write that way. I can't tell you WHY I write the way I do...but part of it MUST be that when I write what I'm feeling then I always get affirmation from those that read it. We don't have to feel alone as we think we are. To put this into prospective, I went to a "Passion Party" the other night at a friends house and at one point we played a 'game' where when the representative asked a question we rotated one seat clockwise if the answer was 'yes' until we arrived back in our ORIGINAL seat for the SECOND time. Well the first questions were mundane enough...are you wearing a watch, do you have pictures of your kids in your wallet...and then come the racy ones. Have you ever role played, gave a BJ, have you swallowed, had a threesome, kissed a person of the same sex...And I was SURPRISED at the amount of people who answered 'yes' and of course I was so busy with my own moves (I shall never tell...unless you ask of course ;) that I didn't really notice EXACTLY who moved but was surprised at the amount of movement on the questions that I had felt very ALONE in. I suppose that was ONE of the points of the game was to open the course of conversation and help us to all be comfortable with ourselves and our surroundings..I don't know if the point was 'to feel a little less alone' but I definitely felt that. I felt as I have often lately...surrounded by friends and non-judgmental ppl who are the same life boat and life situations as me.
Back to my original point (I so often get 'lost' in my blogs and completely forget where I was headed), YOU are not ALONE. We all want friends. Someone (she knows who she is :0) reminded me of that saying about having friends for different seasons and when you need them ..or something along those lines..I'm not sure I've always had what I thought I 'needed' but I got here so I guess it's worked for me. I did go through a bout of what I think was depression at one point in my life and there were a couple of 'best' friends that pulled me out of it when it could have turned really bad so I guess I got what I needed. I'm not on my soapbox today and I'm not having a pity party so here is good, like I always say. She also mentioned mourning friendships lost and I feel that sometimes too..that friendship that ended for whatever reason.

So I wanted to say READER, that you are not alone. There's a whole world of women out there with similar feelings and in similar life boats.

I think (I wasn't trying to make it sound that way.) that I made some of my friends feel alienated by my post too and feel unappreciated. I would like to say that I LOVE and appreciate all the friends that put up with me. Today I asked the hubby how he lives with me. lol. I said I'm bossy and a know-it-all..I couldn't live with me soooo A SHOUTOUT to my friends who 'put up' with me. BTW, he kept his trap shut. Good move Foy, good move.. :D