Better Mother, Acceptable Wife

I wish these things for myself.

Seriously.

I just happened upon this blog and she said exactly what I've been thinking lately...but she said it better and with better pictures.

I want a blog with bright, cheery, quirky pics of my kids...and brutal honestly that comes out in my writing. I want insight, depth and the right words to fall in my lap.

I swear if it kills me I will write a better blog.

And my poor husband. I feel like some days I suck at both but if one part gets shorted...it's definitely the wife part. I'm even a better friend lately than I am wife. It seems like so often my love gets pushed to last place and I need to do better. I will do better!

And I will improve my blog too. Less drama, more meat. I have a unique voice and I will use it to express myself in a way that I'm proud. I WILL.

Just Doing What Makes Me Happy

I'm afraid I give people the wrong impression (why does this sound like something I've said before? Probably because I have.) of me. I probably come off vain or stuck up, snotty...I'm looking for the right word...snobby maybe? I like nice things. I like new, nice things. I like to have lots of things. But I never do it to "one up" someone...I just do it cuz it makes me happy. I think it really comes down to what makes me happy. I want the things I want because I want them...because it would please me to have them..

This still sounds snotty. Ok, for example...I am throwing my sister a shower and I want it to have the best everything..the designer cake, the expensive bedding my sis wants, the best diaper cake ever made, the cutest decorations...I want it to be the BEST shower ever thrown and I don't think that makes me snobby. I want those things because it will make me happy to give them to her...because I will enjoy buying and doing it for her. Because she's my sister and like I am with my kids...I want to give her the BEST things money can buy. I want that for my nephew too. I like to throw myself into what I'm doing. I've told you before I have an obsessive personality and a giving nature...were you listening? Well, my newest project is my sis's shower and I will throw myself into it 110%. I HATE to half-ass things. Man, that is one of my major pet peeves." If it's worth doing then it's worth doing right" goes right up there as one of my favorite quotes. I feel such guilt when I half-ass stuff...because I am capable of that...I just feel shitty. My "best" may differ from your "best". And its not like the price matters...I want nice things. I want things I (or my sis) think are pretty. I am knitting her baby things as well, which I will be MOST proud of because I made them with my own two hands...and I plan to make the best diaper cake I possibly can. I want her to be happy. I want to make the guest feel welcome and I want my sister to get everything her little heart desires.I want the best for myself...what I consider the best...and for those I love. I have a big heart and a giving personality. I'm a people pleaser (to those I give a fuck about anyways). I'm an entertainer. I'm a hostess, I'm loud, I'm boisterous, I'm FULL...my cup runneth over and I like it to spill on those I care about. If that's snobby, snotty or comes off as vain or greedy in anyway...well, it wasn't intended so.

It goes to my honesty policy. You wanna hear about the shitty parts of my life...about the drug addict boyfriend who hit me, my bad self-esteem that led to multiple sex partners and LOTS of bad decisions, the fact I rode a bus until I was in college and didn't have a car until my second semester of college, the fact that I lived with my Grandma and slept on the couch til I was 16, the fact that that I didn't finish college, the fact that parents didn't have the money to buy me things like the other kids, the fact that I was raised Pentecostal in a very restrictive, hostile environment...I'll tell you about those JUST like I'll tell you about my new iPad, iPod or my new car. They don't mean anything. One made me happy, one made me unhappy...life goes on. I take the joy where I can get it and I share it whenever I can...a lesson life has taught me. I guess what I'm saying is...call me snotty, snobby or ANYTHING else that you want but until you've walked a decade or two in my shoes..."Frankly, I don't give a damn." ;) I'm just finding joy where I can...whether that be the gaudy, flashy and expensive...or the handmade, cheap and durable. I just have to love it and that's enough for me.

You winker You! (Not to be confused with a wanker.)

Why are New Years Resolutions so hard? Why must they always be some crazy hard thing that you know your gonna give up on 1/6th of the way through the year? It's like we try to make Lent last the whole year....for about 6 weeks out of the year the Catholics (I've never been Catholic so dont quote me on that) give up something that suppose to be a little difficult for them. Maybe I just dont like broad sweeping statements that are suppose to encompass a whole year...or maybe I have committment issues. Hell, I cant committ to next week so I'm sure that's it. Maybe I don't like to presume that I'll be here the whole year, God willing I will. I have never made a New Years Resolution because I HATE saying I'm gonna do something and renege on it so I just done say anything.

This year I will...this year I resolve to wink more...in person, not on FB because I'm not sure it's possible for me to wink more online than I already do. ;) I will wink more in public because it's fun, it's a bit naughty, it's sly, it's devilish....but most of all it's FUN. I like a winker. I vow to wink more in the New Year. Now that is something I think I can resolve to do....and enjoy.

Why? Because I said so!!

I'm not feeling the love today....hell I haven't felt the love all week. This post annihilates my resolution of making my blog about my busyness and not about my feelings...but whatever. I won't apologize for having some place to write down how I feel....I'm really not asking anyones permission to feel or not feel the way I do. I am who I am and I guess there is no fix for that.

I blog when I'm up. I blog when I'm down....I blog about whatever I'm feeling at the moment. And at the moment I'm feeling down.

Solution. When I'm down I always look for a solution...and today I shall get off this iPad. I shall go get dressed. I shall go buy some new workout clothes for the Zumba class tomorrow. I shall take my knitting and my kids to McD for lunch...oh, perhaps we'll run by the library, too. I will not mop around waiting for people to lift me out....I will life myself out with positive motivation...with forward momentum when I really just wanna sit here and feel down on myself. It's a beautiful day out there. The sun is shining and it's clear, crisp and cold. And I'm gonna go out there and have the best first Monday of the year EVER!!...because I said so!

4am--Out look is dim

Well, it's after 3 am in the new year. I just woke up. Yes, Foy and I traditionally bring in the New Year sleeping, we always have. I'm not kidding. Even when we were young and carefree. I'll never forget being 21-22 and my Mom called and woke me up. She was at a party hotspot yelling over the noise and she said, "What are you doing?" And I said sleeping. But this year, I think I'm a little sad. I kinda wish we had had plans of some kind with friends...oh wait, we don't have THOSE kind of friends. I guess I should warn you...it IS 3am and I am a firm believer that anyone's out look on life is bleak that time of night/morning. I feel sometimes that every time I make a giant leap forward in making a new friend...somehow I wind up two steps back.

My Mom doesn't have friends and we've always disagreed about the subject but I might be leaning her way this year. It's really sad when I can say that. As much as I appear extroverted I can have a serious introvert side and I think this may be the year to embrace that and say "Fuck it." I will live in my nook with my knitting, my shows, my new car,my wonderful family...I will focus more on cooking great meals and being the best Mom ever.

I think I shall "start over" with you blog. I shall write more about my life and activities and less about what I feel/think. I mean who really gives a rats ass anyways. I swear I'm the most negative poster ever lately.

I shall social network less and spend more time in the actual company of people...maybe that's my problem. MAYBE instead of drawing inward, I should do those things I've been thinking about. 1. Since I'm so obsessed with knitting, I should start a knitting group for Moms. I would like more people to discuss this thing I am passionate about. 2. A Book Club for Moms- another thing I am passionate about.

Or maybe I should go potty, get a drink of water, a 3am (now 4am) snack and go to fucking sleep. Yeah, that sounds about right. I seriously doubt 4am- sore throat, dehydrated, sweaty, tummy rumbling- is the time to be blogging...or making ANY decisions. I look forward to waking up in the morning with a more cheerful out look on life! Happy 1/1/11 everyone!! :)

I can't help but think in re-reading this that I remind myself of someone. Maybe what I need to do is take a hint and go away. Maybe it's time to start over...It's too late in the game to change myself so I need to find someone who's pushy enough...or enough un-like me that they WILL make the effort when I can't seem to lately.

I guess as of right now, I start the new year with a question. Fight for it or give up and start from scratch?