Home Birth

I will always insist on blogging at the worst possible moment, haha...right now I'm sick and foggy and something less than sharp as a tack but what am I going to do...why blog of course.

I do have a lot on my mind. I'm back to the birthing at home idea. Well, I originally revisited it because Foy and I have discussed a bit of a belt tightening financially that needs to happen. I was thinking how I could do my part and eating at home more, not buying unnecessary items (for example we might not order nursery bedding. :-O I know I'm as shocked as you. I've done that with all my children but what must be done must be done.), and we discussed the cost of having and supporting another child...that's how I arrived back at the home birthing option because it IS cheaper and it was an idea I had from the beginning and gave up. Sooo I bit the bullet and emailed the lady. She replied and we've exchanged several emails. I knew her concerns would be my weight (making me less than ideal even though I'm healthy) and my fear is failing my gestational diabetes (which I have a test for on Feb. 7th and will still keep that appt with Starla). She has been very receptive and we're suppose to meet on Feb. 1st. I am going to get a copy of my records from Starla and we're gonna precede from there. Though she agrees with me keeping my gestational diabetes appt that I already have. I'm still pretty daunted by the financial aspects. I have to stop my payments to College Hill and HOPEFULLY get some money back. Confirm that my insurance is on board (which the midwife says they will be). AND the midwife requires full payment of 3000 dollars by my 36th week and she will reimburse me as the insurance pays her. This was a hard pill for Foy and I both to swallow and required some thinking on our parts. Also speaking of Foy, he was resistant to the idea. He mentioned safety and MONEY and was very unsupportive. He kinda shut down about it and said some not nice thing followed by me saying not nice things. We had a huge fight. We kinda regrouped later in the day and the next day and then today I asked him to sit down and watch "The Business of Being Born" with me and he did and at first he didn't say much and I thought he wasn't going to but several minutes afterwards he said...' "Even if we don't get any of our 3000 back it's still cheaper than a hospital birth so I guess we need to make this happen and start working on it.". It took me a second to get on board with what he was talking about because I didn't realize he was thinking about it. I felt so relieved. I can't tell you the weight that lifted off me. I haven't been sleeping well and last night was especially bad. I'm sick. I felt anxious and I thought it was anxiety about my decision but when he said that I realized my anxiety hadn't been about my decision but about his thoughts on it. I went to bed for a nap and slept like a baby for the first time in several nights.

I also think it helped that I've started reading a book my midwife recommended. It's called "Spiritual Midwifery". If you can get past the hippy bullshit it has some useful info ('far out' and 'holy' suddenly becomes an adjective? Plus their worship of this Stephen fellow on The Farm is creepy). I guess mostly what I've gathered so far is the idea of going with your pain instead of fighting it..of riding it instead of resisting which I had heard before but the book keeps making the point and it becomes more...real to me with each birth story. Also, the idea of having my husband partake in a more real sense..that talking, touching and kissing during labor can speed it up and help me to stay 'open' so I go with it instead of against it. I can't speak for Foy. I can't say that he'll be receptive but just like getting him to watch that movie with me...I'm gonna work on him. He'll be 'hippying' it out with me soon, haha. He won't even know it. ;) I'll molest him during labor and he won't be able to resist his wife.

I told my Mother my idea. She's gonna be here. Something I really didn't want but she talked to me about it and I was surprised how important it was for her to be here for her grandchild's birth. I can't ignore her wishes. I was also REALLY surprised at how open to the idea of a home birth that she was! She is possibly more excited than me. I told her I'd have to buy a pool and she called me the next day because she'd been googling water birth on youtube and saw pics and videos and found the water birth international website and pool recommendations and she wanted to make sure I got one that was eco friendly and didn't have phthalates, lead or cadmium in it. She is even more onboard than Foy and very supportive. We've spent some time talking about it. She agrees that I'm a good candidate and is reassured that my midwife is certified and that the hospital is close in case of emergencies. She gets that I trust my body and am making the best decision for myself.

Anyways, like I said...a lot on my mind. I have a ton of questions..like what constitutes an emergency? Would she attempt to deliver him breach? Will she deliver the placenta in the pool or out? What are her thoughts on Vit K and the antibiotic eye ointment? I saw a herbal Vit K that can be taken by me and passes through my breast milk and would like her thoughts on this as an alternative to the shot or giving the baby Vit K. Where would be a good place for the pool? Can my upstairs withstand 170 gallons of water, my weight, her weight and the husband? (I do not relish falling through the floor!) It is ok if my children are here? (though they will not be in attendance at the actual birth..I wouldn't mind if they were running around until I needed to start vocalizing and then they could play in their room while I delivered..is that a realistic scenario in her opinion?) When should I call her since she's 2 hours away? What if she is attending another birth? Does she have another client with a similar due date? Will going to the hospital, if I have complications or if she can't be here, be a problem? I was thinking of buying a 'drinking hose' with a filter to fill the pool up. Will we use a hose to fill it up...I'm assuming that's the only way? When can I get into the pool? What if we need to empty some out and refill it to warm it, how do we do that? Should I blow the pool up and fill it prior to labor to make sure there are no leaks or problems? These might seem stupid but then...I've never done this and part of the whole point is that I feel in control and calm and to do that, I need to KNOW STUFF. lol. I've always needed to know stuff.

Despite all these questions, I feel so...empowered by my decision and by the thought of doing it this way. Despite this book being hippish ;) I went to my nap today thinking positive thoughts because of it..thinking about keeping myself open, visualizing and slept better than I ever have so maybe that hippy bullshit isn't so bad after all . ;) I think the most moving message Foy got from the film was how important this was for a woman..to feel in control and how much a hospital was not needed without complications and how it was better for the baby. Now if I can just get him to read the book that the midwife recommends for him..."The Birth Partner". I mentioned it earlier and I think if I buy it then maybe he would listen to a chapter in bed every night if I read it aloud to him. Hey, I'm desperate. I'll do anything. I just want him to supportive and feel as informed as I do at birth.

For better or for worse...

This was actually two nights ago:

I'm in a foul mood..I started to spend the night writing facebook updates and then deleting them before posting just to get something off my chest..anything but then decided my blog might be the place to receive solace..or at least do some confessing.

I don't consider myself a really jealous person. Not that I'm the person who is cool with everything. I'm kinda in between...or I think I am. It's hard to get a perspective on this when it's you. BUT anyways, tonight when I opened facebook.com it opened to Foy's page...where he was already logged in. I don't check his Fb..I don't stoop that low and I'm not THAT distrustful but it DID open on his page and he had notifications so I checked them out and he had written comments on this girls post at least twice in the last week so I clicked on her. BOOBS...first thing I see, all up in my face. And I checked out her info and she's single so then I'm like ..how does he know her and so I see that she didn't graduate from Lufkin so I asked him about it. He's sitting right there a couple of feet from me watching football ...I had told him he had notifications..I wasn't hiding or being sneaky or anything. Anyways, he said she did go to school with him at some point. And I'm like..well, you know her well enough to spend most of your post on her? And he's like ..well, I felt like commenting on someones stuff. I hardly do anything on there. Well, I'm off on a tirade. I'm like..of all people, the boobalicous girl whose single is the random person's update that you decided to comment on more than once. WHATEVER. It just pissed me off and I let him know it. NO, it didn't turn into a knock-down-drag-out fight...just some snide commenting on my part finished with a question ..to see if he understood why I was upset about it and a statement that I would like it if he perhaps spread his commenting around more..to less boobalicious people, ya know.

That's how MOST of our fights go...especially in the last few years of our marriage. We're pretty stable. I can see the wrong in me. I do apologize to him and fairly often...usually around THAT time of the month, somehow...hhmmm. I say things and am snotty for no reason or stand-offish or I gripe alot and concentrate too much on the negative and not ANY on the positive. I apologize and tell him he rocks. I randomly think about how he rocks through out the day...for example, he pays all the bills. No, I don't just mean that he makes the money (he does) but that he literally pays all the bills. I don't appreciate that enough. Actually I've been known to go off about how I need to do it cuz him doing it makes him worried, pissy, gives him ulcers...yada yada yada. BUT then I realize that's just another way that it makes it SO easy to be me. I don't have to worry about dates, deadlines, amounts...I just DO me. I take the kids places. I make sure I meet their deadlines for book orders, tuition for dance and cheerleading, uniform orders, places to be for G.S., field trips, ordering G.S. uniforms online, what days K wants to take a lunch, what day she needs to take her P.E. shoes, that L has show-n-tell on Fridays, what time is gymnastics, the PTO meeting, the Parent-Teacher conferences, book hotels for our out of town trip, etc etc etc....THESE are my focus. It allows me to worry about them and not about numbers but about flesh and blood little people that will one day be contributing to society hopefully (or that's our goal!). Anyways, I don't thank him enough for taking the burden on himself as well as his job. He is truly fantastic in every way. Him doing his job allows me to do mine. We're a team...there's a balance. He is definitely my other half.

Screwed up.

Foy has a cousin and she was married and they had two kids and they moved their trailer in next door to this single guy. Well, she got pregnant by her husband but was having an affair with the neighbor and divorced him. The child was a boy named Wesley and she married the neighbor she was having the affair with before the baby was born and they raised the child like he was the father (not the real father). They had another child and moved away. The two kids she had before she divorced her husband went to live with him and she had the other two. Well, I'm sketchy on the details but apparently she got on drugs, had some issues with her marriage...and left him and this two kids to go back to her original husband...not for an affair but just because he was her friend and she needed help. Well, now she has her two older children and has no idea where her two younger children (one of them being biologically the man she's living with nows child). And she's going on about her life.

I said all this to say....how fucked up. I could NEVER NEVER be separated from my children. I would rip this world apart..spend all my worldly fortunes...I would NEVER stop looking for them. I would feel incomplete if even ONE of my children were not there. To let this man...whose not even the biological father to the son that he has...to let him take my children.

And you know what bugs me too. When I first met Foy and was getting to know his family ...they made me sick talking about how smart she was. They went on like she was a fucking genius. SERIOUSLY, I don't care if your the smartest person in the world...this is all sorts of fucked up. That's all I wanna say about that...

We work BECAUSE of our differences!

You know just like parenthood there are days where I feel that I have this whole marriage thing figured out and there are days where I'm totally at a lose but I have come to realize one thing that I said recently that makes a whole lotta sense the more I think about it. My hubby and I 'worked' at first because of our similarity's --the things we had in common, and we work now because of our differences. We have a similar vision, life plan..similar thoughts about raising our children (90% of the time)...we have fairly clear divisions in our marriage. I know what he WILL and WILL NOT do and vice versus. The jobs, the roles are fairly clear to us and compared to some ppl's marriages they are different. I've noticed that in my friends marriages, each has their own 'rule' division. Some wives pay the bills, some husbands and on and on and on..each is different but if it works for BOTH of you then that's good. It's just clearly drawing the lines for agreement of both parties. Foy takes out the trash, pays the bills and makes the money. He washes and purchases his own clothes and mows the lawn. I clean the house, cook and take care of the children 110%. He rarely cleans and never cooks and if you ask him when Kylie has a field trip, what her fav toy is or what her fav color is..he wouldn't have a clue. I worry this makes him sound like a bad father..he's an EXCELLENT father. He reads to the kids alot and he plays with them. He keeps the girls when he's home some while I go get groceries or go out with friends. BUT I ultimately bath them, dress them, buy their clothes, food, wash their clothes, change their diapers, plan their parties, purchase toys (including Christmas), cook for them ..I know their fav foods, fav colors, toys they are most interested in...I take them to soccer games, playdates, the library. I am pretty much SOLELY in charge of the children and that's the way I like it and he does too. We are happy in our roles and that's the way it should be. We have differences that go deeper though. He's a neat freak and I'm a bit messy..and this having two personalities helps us balance ourselves instead of drive ourselves crazy. He's anal with paying the bills and I'm happy-go-lucky Lucy--I'm relaxed about that as in everything usually. We genuinely LIKE one another and respect one another and I LOVE THAT MAN. Oh, he's not perfect (like I am) and he drives me nuts alot but I LOVE HIM.