Fingernail Polish

Sophie painted her own nails........AND my sofa by extension. lol. I didn't even have the heart to be mad at her. She was SO proud. She came downstairs and said, "LOOK, MOMMY! I painted my nails ALL BY MYSELF!!". When I started moaning and saying "Oh, God...Oh, God...don't touch anything"she couldn't figure out why I wasn't as pleased as her, haha. It's not too much on the cushion. And hey, I can just flip the cushion over when people are coming over, right? ;) Oh, God this blogging is not helping. I'm suppose to be packing and washing clothes. I am...RIGHT NOW.

YOU IS KIND.

YOU IS SMART.

YOU IS IMPORTANT.

Positive affirmations to tell my children AND I WON'T BE SORRY I DO IT. It's ok.

Maybe I'm not the only one who thinks positive affirmations are important.

Circumcision and some decisions so far...

It feels good to have some decisions out of the way and since I use my blog as a more personal space (where I can be angry and hurt and honest and outspoken and REAL) than FB then it feels appropriate to post some decisions here...plus this is a place where I can write and expect people not to have input..usually. After doing some research I have decided.......that I am ok with the antibiotic ointment in the baby's eyes AS LONG AS IT'S NOT SILVER NITRATE and I'm ok with the Vit K shot (though I would like to know if the oral is available...just so I can decide between the two) BUT we're opting out of the Hep B newborn shot right after birth. We might be opting out altogether (I'll decide later) but we're definitely delaying that little bugger. OH and we're not circumcising (that was such an easy decision and so easy with the hubs ...I am thankful). I'm glad that he's leaving this part all to me and doesn't make me explain every little decision to him. In retrospect, I guess he SHOULD have more concern about some crucial things but honestly it just makes my life easier when he doesn't oppose me, lol. And his life too. ;)

I can't remember if I wrote a blog on circumcision and since I don't feel like checking then here I will list the reason why I will LEAVE INTACT...in order of importance:

1. I don't believe my baby will arrive needing cosmetic changes. Period. Whether you believe God made him or he's a product of genetic mutations over time..blah blah blah...the foreskin is there and will stay there.

2. It can be removed later (on so MANY levels..partials and different types of removals..I mean really the options are endless for what you can leave or take) but cannot be replaced (though to be fair there are men who try to basically reshape them a foreskin (OH I HAVE READ ABOUT THEM SO BELIEVE) but it's really never the same). To make that sentence less confusing, It can be removed later but not replaced later. And it can be fairly painless and there are multiple options and levels of removal if he decides he wants it and decides what and how he wants it. His penis, his choice.

3. I believe (this is only my belief on reading some material) that his foreskin will enhance his sexual relations and perhaps his partners as well. That's enough said on that subject since the idea of my baby boy having sexual relations is creeeeeepy.

There aren't good enough reasons TO remove it:
1. It's unclean. From what I've read it's like any other body part or person...he will have to be taught to clean it appropriately and it shouldn't be a problem. Most country's DON'T circumcise their babies.

2. It looks WEIRD. HAHA. I find this the funniest. I admit it is different. I have googled a ton of penis' so I know. ;) But I think beauty is in the eye of the beholder. ;) Hopefully that many people will not be looking at my baby's penis and for those lucky ladies that do they better think it's beautiful...or better yet they shouldn't judge my baby on his penis. I'm sure he's gonna have many other fantastic features to worry about. Bottom line: It isn't ugly and if you think it is...don't look at it.

3. "Because his Daddy is". STUPID. His Daddy has black hair but if my baby should be born a blonde I will not dye his hair upon entry so he can look like his Daddy. WTF? I have big giant boobs and I don't want my girls to be burdened by anything like that. Our children weren't meant to be carbon copies of us and that is just the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Doing anything only because someone else did it is just not justifiable. Period. His Daddy smokes but I certainly hope my baby never does. That is the worst reason of them all.

4. So he won't be different. Statistically, not circumcising is on the rise. He will probably be in good company with 50% (if not higher) of other boys...plus this goes up there with "because his Daddy is". Who cares what other people do? And if he doesn't like it, he can be circumcised. That's an option I'm leaving for him.


With ALL the stuff I read these are the reasons I chose not to circumcise. I thought some of the reasons were stupid....like he'll hate me forever if I circumcise him...I don't think so. Or that he'll remember the pain for the rest of his life...no, I don't think that either. Or comparing girl circumcision to boy circ...I see the logic but I don't follow that train all the way there. I think it's a tad bit painful looking but not like it's abuse or horrific. I think people that choose to do it are fine. Different strokes for different folks. I just hope they are making an informed choice and then if that's their decision..well and good.

Now that I'm a Mom..

I see the bigger picture.

I worry more about my impact on the planet.

I get to buy all the toys I want...and I have an excuse. It's for the kids...not MEEE. ;)

I see danger EVERYWHERE and it scares me that I can't always protect them from everything.

I love a minivan and think they are totally cool. :)

I know what unconditional love truly means.

I see fun in small things.

I feel a little bit bad for MY Mother.

my family history is suddenly even more important. I want to pass the good parts of my heritage on to my children.

to be continued....one of said children needs my attention.

Positivity will prevail!

The last few days I've had A LOT of posts in my mind....poor poor pitiful me post for the most part. ;) I'm sorta glad right now that I didn't post them. I feel like I can be more objective right now because I'm feeling pretty positive overall at the moment. Most of the posts I had in mind were the trials I've been going through in just the last month (or 6 weeks) my brother has been diagnosed with a serious disease (I am very close to my brother for those who don't know....I might be closer to him than my other siblings), due to this illness and my fucktard of a father I have denounced my father and told him he is as good as dead to me (to explain this complicated issue would require a whole blog post or two by itself), lost most of my friends and been pushed to the brink of insanity by my Mother. To explain my Mother would require more time than I have...to try and give you the short story, she is insisting we can't stay with her because her house is filthy (it's my mother, I believe her) and since I don't especially LOVE staying at my in-laws that has stressed me out and left me in a bit of a bad position and she just keeps rolling in with more bad news. Now we can't eat Christmas dinner at my Grandmothers because she's going to my Aunts...we CAN go to my Aunts but we must bring food (according to my Mother) and no store bought or canned food either. And according to my Mother SHE can't cook so I need to find some time in the two days before Christmas on my vaca and make food. I'm slightly flattered but mostly just annoyed and stressed as fuck. AND I know my Mother is under a lot of stress but she calls me every second when my brothers blood sugar drops or gets too high or anything and because I fucking care (and I know she knows I care and she needs to share with someone who does) I answer and I talk to her and I worry and I stress even more. It's gotten to the point that I can't answer the phone anymore. Foy has threatened to "talk" to her but that's all I need....to alienate even more people in my life than I already have. I can't lose anyone else right now. I can't take that. So I will just DEAL. I've been a real wreck around here...well, as much as I can be a wreck. Of course the kids have no idea because I don't burden them. Foy has had to endure some breakdowns on my part and some unfair lashing out on my part about things that are stupid just because I'm stressed BUT...as I was saying...

This too shall pass. I will say that I again vow to NEVER go home for Christmas again. I will be glad when Christmas is over...I'm ready to start preparing for the baby and I feel like we're kinda in a holding pattern for that until after Christmas. We're waiting on bunk beds to be delivered for one. It looks like it will be after Christmas. Also MONEY. Christmas and traveling for Christmas is sucking us dry. I already have some cloth diapers and clothes for him. A few I bought and a huge bag that a woman whose husband works with Foy gave us. They are super nice and I'm glad I didn't go with my first instinct and decline them.

I'm ready for Summer, haha. I know it's early in Winter to be wanting Summer but I'm so much better in the Summer. I like to travel and I like to be out and I like the warm sun and Summer breezes and swimming pools. I'm so glad this baby is coming in the Spring so I can enjoy Summer with the fam. :)

I guess by being optimistic I'm avoiding some deeper issues that are bothering me. I'm going to have to let go about the stress of my brothers illness. I can't change anything and I can't make my Mother a better person. I can't make her deal with his illness better. She doesn't mean to but she comes off sounding like she blames lots of things on his illness. It's just another crutch for her. Why she can't clean her house or why she can't do this...blah blah blah. And my Dad doesn't upset me as much as you think. I barely talk to him twice a year anyways and only when I initiate contact. I don't even see him every year. He's always been a shitbag so no new news there. He maybe just astounded me with the deep level of his shitbagness. Losing my friends hurts the most not just for myself but how my decision affected my children who are just innocent victims. I did already start trying to gently persuade them to "let's do something fun in Salt Lake for your birthday with just the family" cuz I doubt anyone would show up at their party. I would rather not have one than disappoint them. They aren't biting so far but I have a month or so to work on it. I guess I don't mind the friend loss as much as I do for them because like dating...there are other fish in the sea. I have friends I haven't lost as well as a few acquaintances that I could be closer with and I'm good at making friends...just not keeping them. (partially true sad joke, lol) Plus I get stronger when faced with adversity...even adversity of my own making. I'm not prone to regrets or dwelling in the past but trying to learn from my mistakes and push forward. Some alone time might do me good. My house might be cleaner. HA. I will cook more, right? Hahaha. Ok, maybe I'll exercise ...hehe. I'll work on some hobbies or re-organize my house or be a better Mother aka make lunches every day and....iron their clothes. Lmao. I don't know but not having friends should clear up lots of time and give me time for much needed self-improvement. I could start a new book series or find more activities to keep Sophie and me busy like story time...where I can also get to know acquaintances better. Either way, I wasn't made for moping about what I don't have or about what I've lost. I have a lot. I have a lot to be thankful for and I have an amazing life that can only get better if that's what I want. Hey, I could use my non-friend time to take college classes...well, we better wait til after baby. There is no end to what I can do....with or without friends. (P.S. I am the QUEEN of pep talking myself.)

I'm taking a breast feeding class. My first appt is next Monday and I'm kind of excited about it...and the fact that Sophie is welcome. She's so good. I've taken her to all my appt (Foys been there also so far) and she was so quiet at my u/s appt that she scared the doc about halfway through the appt by speaking up from the corner where he hadn't even spotted her. He couldn't believe how quiet she was. She was playing with the iPad so anyways, I have no worries about taking her to my breastfeeding appts though I will continue as much as possible to make my ob appts for when Foy is off. I don't mind if she's there for the regular appt but I'd rather not have her there for any...um, exams..if you know what I mean.

Still getting ready for Christmas....and still stressed about that but it'll be over soon and I can't wait. Usually I love Christmas but my Mom is ruining it for me this year. After that, baby preparedness (and deciding a freaking name for the youngster!) and my birthday (blah!) and then the kids birthdays then BABY. Yay...then the Summer and by that time Christmas will be well over with and my friend situation will be better or at least a distant memory that pains me no more and it'll be time for outdoor fun and trips and parks and sunshine..I leave you with a song that inspires me.

"... with each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence the world can all be mine
They'll have to agree I have confidence in me

I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me

Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
When you wake up -- Wake Up!"

I Have Confidence, The Sound of Music

WHY I AM WHAT I AM...PART 2.

To add the last blog, I guess I never realized how poor we were because we never had people over to judge our house. I never saw that LOOK on their face when they realized we used 'rags' to bath with and there were parts of the house that were uninhabitable and doors that were pieces of plywood on hinges...literally. And that's the door we had. Only one bedroom had an actual door...and the bathroom. We used curtains for privacy.

I try not to say these things...or write them...or think about them cuz it feels like I'm betraying my family. Our code..by doing so. It feels like people will pity me even though that was many years ago and that house has been FINALLY renovated and is much more inhabitable now.

I'm only telling you so maybe someone can understand my weird relationship with money. My pride..in my children and my husband and on what we afford to give them or do for them. Some things that you take for granted I never will. I can't. I don't mean to shove it in someone's face who can't afford the same things but I certainly won't be any less proud that I can do these things for my kids. Maybe I'm wrong for that...

And for every bit that I spend on my relationship with material things I spend as much time or more working on the character of my children. I try to raise them the best I can. I want them to have everything I didn't. I want them to be everything I wasn't. I want them to be happy. And I think I've did a good job that while providing them with every possible luxury that I can...they are giving children. They are sharers and they are sweet and they aren't mean or ugly on the inside. They have empathy. I won't work to kill the good things in them like my Mother seem to do with me. I will nourish those things. I will nourish the whimsical, imaginative parts of them and encourage them in every way I can and for every time my Mother berated me for being stupid I win a little of that back when I lift my kids up for being wonderful. To be her means I lost. And I'm a sore loser. I won't be her. I am not her. And it's ridiculous how much I have to tell myself that to make myself believe it. I will lift them up instead of tearing them down. I will tell them there is nothing they can't achieve or do and I will work with everything in me to make that happen. We will build the normal life. My whole life I wanted to be some semblance of 'normal' and I fought hard to make that happen. I don't mean normal like I'm not a little bit crazy and I don't talk too much or spill too many secrets or act silly in public or voice ideas that aren't popular. I mean...have a car, and a house that isn't falling apart and a bedroom for my kids and toys and family vacations and friends over and kids that don't have to live in fear of their Mother losing control of her anger or a fight breaking out between their parents. I won't to teach my kids to not tiptoe around me but to stomp through and not be scared. I don't want them to be scared. There were times I was scared. I think you can become immune to fear. You stop being scared and start fighting back even if fighting back just means that little voice inside you that yells, "I'm NOT!" when she says your stupid. That might be the only way a 7 year old can fight a grownup but I did. I had to.

You know to add to that...thank God for good teachers. Because of them, because of their faith and their ability to praise me...that helped so much. There are a few that I would not have made it without.

WHY I AM THE WAY I AM

To add to the second blog, (not that I want your empathy here but I'm trying to make you understand the significance) his life expectancy has also automatically reduced...by some say as many as 10 years and that's WITHOUT complications which are many and have a high probability of occurring. I'm devastated is what I'm trying to say. I'm devastated.

What I intended to write this blog about....before I got sidetracked with the last blog is WHY I AM THE WAY I AM. Geez, that's a big title, right? That's a whole lotta s'plainin'. (I'm channeling Ricky Ricardo..and I'm avoiding with humor. I'm so good at that.)

You ever seen those movies with the poor people who are so prideful that they can't take handouts from ANYBODY? And the refuse to acknowledge they are poor like...they don't know it so they give to people who are poorer than them? It feels like when I think about my life I'm describing one of those movies. As a child, I was never allowed to take even the smallest handout from another adult or child. If I came home with a toy that a friend gave me then I was sent back the next day with THAT toy to return to her and ANOTHER toy as well that was larger, showier and more expensive. It was statement. We had to make statement. We weren't poor. Admitting we were poor was like....putting your tail between your legs and giving up. I promise you haven't seen people who were more prideful. We didn't...couldn't think of ourselves as poor. It's taken me YEARS to even realize we were! Since we couldn't afford a nice house or nice things for our house then to keep up the outward appearance every thing that people saw had to look and be nice. So our house was horrible but when it came to prom we had to shop at the nicest place in town for my dress...it had to compare with the other girls. We couldn't have people thinking we were poor. We never ate out because we couldn't afford it. I mean...EVER. We ate at home because we could do that in our falling down house and the world wouldn't see what we couldn't afford. We didn't take family vacations. EVER. Once my Mother and Father went to Branson, Missouri...that's the farthest they ever traveled and the only vaca I ever remember them taking and it was JUST them. That's why eating out is such a treat for me (literally) and taking my kids on vacations is such a point of PRIDE. Our car, our clothes..the things people saw had to be nice but we had  to work so hard and spend so much on those looking nice that it left less money to even hardly maintain close to normal in other aspects of our life.

I never realized how much all of this directly effects my feelings on SO many things. I never had my own room. I slept on the couch til I was 16. It's very VERY important to me that my kids have their own rooms. The fact that the new baby means someone shares a room hurts me. I will fix this soon. I never had a space for toys so I was only allowed a few small ones that didn't take up much space. I buy my kids lots of toys (well, according to my standards but not as much to some) and I allow them to be as large as possible. I encourage imaginative play because my Mom laughed at me when she overheard my imaginative play and I was such a sensitive child that I was forever hurt by it and never felt comfortable playing near or in front of her. She certainly never joined me. My Grandmother cooked REAL food for the family because that was ONE thing that we could do well. We could provide excellent food because cooking was cheaper than going out. She is 90 so she was older and she had thoughts about breakfast..like it shouldn't be cereal and milk. It should be healthy, filling and send you on your way for a great day of school. She would stand in front of the gas heater (the only heat we had in the house was in the living room...well, there was a space heater in the bathroom) and warm my jacket for me every morning in the winter so I wouldn't get cold. That woman is a saint. If we needed help we never went outside of the family. That was blasphemy. To let other people even suspect we were in dire straights was against everything we believed. We had to put on the front. They had to see we didn't need them. We didn't need their things or their pity or their help. We would be self-reliant. If we needed something we asked the family. The family is the only ones that were 'let inside'...inside the house, inside the secret..inside.

The person I am today. My fierce self-reliance, my inability to ask for or accept help from people...my snootinesss about money. It was all formed in early childhood. I don't say these things because I want your pity. Oh God NO, please don't give me that. I hate pity. I only say it so people who think I'm harsh or judgmental or mean or I care too much about THINGS....well, I don't know if you can understand unless you've been there. I love giving extravagant gifts....because if your truly poor then you can't give, can you? But we weren't poor so we gave extravagant gifts to convince others (and hell, ourselves) that we weren't. I mean so many aspects that people hate about me can be explained.

Do I realize how illogical this all is? How it doesn't make sense and I'm not poor anymore? Of course I do....but that's just my head talking. I am trying to change. I have made great strides. I can accept gifts from people...yaaay, lol. I can occasionally, though rarely, ask for help. I have accepted some used clothes for the baby boy coming. I have, I have...and they are cute. And I'm happy I did. Do I have pride still? Yes. Fierce pride. Is it insane and illogical and stupid and does it lose me friends and am I a harsh person? Yes, to all of the above. You can't live in the dark and fight it and win by becoming part of the problem instead of the solution. This blog is just talking about the THINGS...not even the people. My family lived in fear of "the law". We took care of our own...usually by ignoring it. I lived in domestic violence most of my life. Those people, those things, that way of life...you adapt or you become. You change or you become them...you become what you hate or you fight to be something different. I didn't get where I am today by bitching. I tried that btw. I went to the counselor at school and showed her the huge ball of hair that my Mom had pulled out of my head and I told her the stories of abuse..how she abused me and my Father. You know what it got me...nothing. In trouble for going to an outside the family person with our problems.  She told me Mother and there was a brief time when my life didn't suck....and then it started all over again and I didn't have the heart to tell anyone. So yeah...bitching doesn't help btw. Won't change it. Your life suddenly won't be better...in fact, it may be worse or because you dwell there..bitching in that dark place then that dark thing might just catch you and you might end up becoming a part of the dark instead of the light fighting the dark. I fight with the parts of me that want to be my Mother every day. EVERY GODDAMN DAY. I don't lose my temper, that's A WIN. I don't throw things at my husband, hit him and my children in anger, manipulate the people I love with THINGS...if I have friends, that's one point against my Mother since she raised me not to have friends (I promise you can raise your kids that way). Every time I make a decision or do something and I think she wouldn't like it, I won.

I'm harsh because I was raised that way. I was raised in the harsh light. I made a choice. I took one giant leap out the first day of college and I never looked back. I won't go back to that. I won't live in darkness. I won't let anyone take me there. Not you, not her, not my husband...I fought HARD to get here. I made positive choices. I said..even if I live under a freeway somewhere I will live without her. Luckily that didn't happen...I'm too smart for that. I'm too determined. Despite what she told me my whole life, I'm worth more than that. I love myself more than that. When I felt like nobody loved me or saw me, I took comfort in knowing that I was MORE. They may not can see more but it's there. She never cursed me but she called me stupid and other names. She picked on every little thing I ever did wrong and never praised anything I did right. It was never good enough for her. She was verbally abusive as well as physically.

I read A LOT. It was my escape. The only way I could be someone else. I could not be me. I literally read 75% of my free time or more. You could ask the kids I went to school with...they'd tell you. When I was in Elementary there were these 3 girls..very popular, very mean...and because I couldn't be bullied (they were no match to me after having stood up to my Mother..they were elementary) they picked on me worse. I stood out. I had long, scraggly hair. No makeup. No hair colored. No fancy in style clothes (new clothes but pentecostals were definitely not in style). No nice house. I never could have friends over. No boyfriends of course. Who wanted me? They made fun of me A LOT. I was severely picked on and sometimes I would think I had found a friend.....just to have them be embarrassed by me and turn on me too. I once had this "nice" girl turn on me and yell, "Just stop following me and leave me alone!" because she was getting picked on for giving a shit about me. I was lonely. That's another reason I turned to books. When nobody is playing with you on the playground then it can by detrimental to your psyche to watch so I read books. I traveled far away places from those kids.

I will judge people for bitching about stuff because I hate it..but I will not judge people for being different than me. I cannot. I will not. I'm a strong person because you can't come through that whole and not be. Who says I'm whole? Anyways, I don't like weak people. Boo fucking whooo. Are there people who have endured worse than me? You bet your ass. There has to be. Is everyone's story different? Do we all have hangups about weird things because of our upbringing? Probably.

I've spent time trying to convince myself that my upbringing was some sort of normal. That it was just a different brand of normal. We all blame our Mother's right? Is it Freud that says it's all our Mother's fault? Anyways, I'm not saying this as an excuse. I'm trying to explain. Maybe even some to just myself. These were some new ideas and thoughts that came to me this morning from delving into WHY I AM THE WAY I AM...and this is what I come up with. Thanks for taking the journey with me.