So I've been spending a lot of time weighing the important question of wether to have another child or not. It's never a question I've taken lightly...bringing another child into the world and specifically into my life deserves all of my grave attention. Of course this decision probably predominantly effects me but secondarily of course my husband so he gets some say so in the matter as well. But when I asked him (one of the times because I've been bringing it up a lot lately) he said, "I don't really care or feel strongly one way or the other...it effects you more than me.". Though, reader, I just pretty much confessed the same thing it was confusing to hear it actually come out of his mouth. Mainly because I've been putting a lot of thought and time into this decision and ultimately together it is one of the most important decisions we will ever make.

I am getting older. 32 in January. The girls are moving on to new phases, new things, new chapters...I want to be the best Mother I can be and when I try to put my feelings aside (Do **I** want another baby or not?) and just think of them...what would benefit them and be completely honest...I don't think it's beneficial to them to have another sibling. Sometimes I look at my little family and feel so complete. Actually I almost always feel that way. Complete.

I want to spend my time coaching, cultivating, watering, encouraging and being the best Mom I can be to the flowers already in my garden. I want to expand all my energies on to helping them, cultivating them...to be the best women they can be. Having another child is honestly less money and less time to go around...less one on one time. I love my children so dearly and I LOVE spending time with them.

It could be that I never ache for time away from them because I have such an amazing, supportive husband. I never have to be happy my children are gone because he allows me (or I demand) that time when I need it and he's always been wonderful to comply. He thinks men should take an active, involved role in taking care of their children. I think a lot of his willingness to help comes from the fact that in the first 18 months or so of K's life...because of our job schedules you would have probably said he was the predominant care giver. He's always been so amazing and such a wonderful father.

I don't know...I still haven't made the final decision on having more children though this blog may sound like I have. I do feel I'm getting to the age where my biological clock is ticking rather loudly...but I don't want to rush a decision or make one for the wrong reasons.

I have a healthy marriage, a supportive family, I'm a SAHM so I CAN devote my full attention to my offspring...and much like people who are crazy never questioning they are crazy...probably the fact that I can voice the concerns I have means I am aware of them and can make wise choices should I decide to have another child. I would make sure I had the time, energy, attentiveness that I needed to give each child..

Parenthood. Who? Me? You? Who knows?

I want to be a good parent. Hell, what am I saying, I want to be a GREAT parent. Some days I'm sure that I've got this thing called parenthood all figured out. I do something that leads to a 'good' behavior in my kids and I get to pat myself on the back and then some days I think I must have this all wrong. I don't know what I'm doing and I don't have ANYTHING figured out. I try not to confuse myself with alot of info coming in from a book or a tv show because I figure if it was that easy then we'd all be 'perfect' material instead of the screw-ups we are (speaking of myself mostly of course), right? I try to go with my instincts..it's like a blind man feeling along in the dark..that's what parenthood is like. It doesn't feel like a billion, zillion ppl before you have done it...it feels like your climbing Mt.Everest for the VERY first time. I mean we get advice (more than we can handle sometimes) and some of it is usable and some of it we have to leave to the wayside and do what works for US and our kids.

The days (some days) when I think I have this figured out then I think HONESTY. Honesty is the key, right. Age appropriate information...consistency, saying NO (some ppl find this difficult?!), trust, open lines of communication...
But the days I feel like I'm a stumbling blind man I think..it's luck. Sheer dumb luck when our kids come out ok. God, maybe. Luck. DNA. Destiny. Fate. Whatever you wanna call it. Who knows? I know I don't have all the answers and I don't know anyone that does ...no matter if they CLAIM to or not.
Sometimes I think its a fleeting moment. You have a fleeting moment to make an impression, to do your job and if that moment passes...if you don't take the chance when it's there then you've lost. You may have lost in the most important moment of your life.

No pressure here, of course... ;)

Later (2 hours later) it occured to me that with your first child you think you have it figured out, right? You have your second and you think, I've totally got this and then you try something that you remember working with the first and your second throws it back in your face and your like WAIT. I know this is not a totally NEW person....with different thoughts, feelings, abilities...(and you start desperately searching for the manual that came with this ONE ..what did I do with that? Surely it was included in those papers I got at the hospital...). And it's like starting over again and again and again. And THEN you have to figure out how to be a fair parent (or appear fair) while parenting each child like THAT child needs it. That's why NO book in the world is gonna have all the answers because the answer is always different unless we want to start having cookie cutter kids which would be EASY to parent but definitely NO fun. ;)