Unhappy

Why are we so unhappy sometimes with other people's happiness? What makes us that way? I'm as guilty as the next person but it's just that usually I get to be the happy person and when I'm not--it sucks. Of course, it's not always that way...just moments. My friend had a baby today AND I am very happy for her ...because I don't wish it was me and some friends went to SLC for a visit and even though I kinda wish it was me I'm glad SOMEONE got out of town but someone else I know is taking charge of her body, losing weight and coming up with a plan to make it happen and that makes me unhappy. General weight loss, plan of weight loss by other ppl make me unhappy, why is that? Well, I have a feeling it touches back on that 'if it really bothers you then it's because it's touched a nerve' thing because I think I'd really like to lose weight and feel good about my body again....or feel better about it.

It's hard to feel too bad about my body when I'm having some of the best sex of my marriage though...why that is I couldn't exactly tell you..or you just don't me to probably..but I am. BEST SEX EVER...<--sounds like the name of a porn video..> lol.

On that upnote, I'm putting the computer down and going to play with my new handbag (I mean this literally, not figuratively) and read some of the new novel I've started..that'll cheer me right up!

We work BECAUSE of our differences!

You know just like parenthood there are days where I feel that I have this whole marriage thing figured out and there are days where I'm totally at a lose but I have come to realize one thing that I said recently that makes a whole lotta sense the more I think about it. My hubby and I 'worked' at first because of our similarity's --the things we had in common, and we work now because of our differences. We have a similar vision, life plan..similar thoughts about raising our children (90% of the time)...we have fairly clear divisions in our marriage. I know what he WILL and WILL NOT do and vice versus. The jobs, the roles are fairly clear to us and compared to some ppl's marriages they are different. I've noticed that in my friends marriages, each has their own 'rule' division. Some wives pay the bills, some husbands and on and on and on..each is different but if it works for BOTH of you then that's good. It's just clearly drawing the lines for agreement of both parties. Foy takes out the trash, pays the bills and makes the money. He washes and purchases his own clothes and mows the lawn. I clean the house, cook and take care of the children 110%. He rarely cleans and never cooks and if you ask him when Kylie has a field trip, what her fav toy is or what her fav color is..he wouldn't have a clue. I worry this makes him sound like a bad father..he's an EXCELLENT father. He reads to the kids alot and he plays with them. He keeps the girls when he's home some while I go get groceries or go out with friends. BUT I ultimately bath them, dress them, buy their clothes, food, wash their clothes, change their diapers, plan their parties, purchase toys (including Christmas), cook for them ..I know their fav foods, fav colors, toys they are most interested in...I take them to soccer games, playdates, the library. I am pretty much SOLELY in charge of the children and that's the way I like it and he does too. We are happy in our roles and that's the way it should be. We have differences that go deeper though. He's a neat freak and I'm a bit messy..and this having two personalities helps us balance ourselves instead of drive ourselves crazy. He's anal with paying the bills and I'm happy-go-lucky Lucy--I'm relaxed about that as in everything usually. We genuinely LIKE one another and respect one another and I LOVE THAT MAN. Oh, he's not perfect (like I am) and he drives me nuts alot but I LOVE HIM.

Parenthood. Who? Me? You? Who knows?

I want to be a good parent. Hell, what am I saying, I want to be a GREAT parent. Some days I'm sure that I've got this thing called parenthood all figured out. I do something that leads to a 'good' behavior in my kids and I get to pat myself on the back and then some days I think I must have this all wrong. I don't know what I'm doing and I don't have ANYTHING figured out. I try not to confuse myself with alot of info coming in from a book or a tv show because I figure if it was that easy then we'd all be 'perfect' material instead of the screw-ups we are (speaking of myself mostly of course), right? I try to go with my instincts..it's like a blind man feeling along in the dark..that's what parenthood is like. It doesn't feel like a billion, zillion ppl before you have done it...it feels like your climbing Mt.Everest for the VERY first time. I mean we get advice (more than we can handle sometimes) and some of it is usable and some of it we have to leave to the wayside and do what works for US and our kids.

The days (some days) when I think I have this figured out then I think HONESTY. Honesty is the key, right. Age appropriate information...consistency, saying NO (some ppl find this difficult?!), trust, open lines of communication...
But the days I feel like I'm a stumbling blind man I think..it's luck. Sheer dumb luck when our kids come out ok. God, maybe. Luck. DNA. Destiny. Fate. Whatever you wanna call it. Who knows? I know I don't have all the answers and I don't know anyone that does ...no matter if they CLAIM to or not.
Sometimes I think its a fleeting moment. You have a fleeting moment to make an impression, to do your job and if that moment passes...if you don't take the chance when it's there then you've lost. You may have lost in the most important moment of your life.

No pressure here, of course... ;)

Later (2 hours later) it occured to me that with your first child you think you have it figured out, right? You have your second and you think, I've totally got this and then you try something that you remember working with the first and your second throws it back in your face and your like WAIT. I know this is not a totally NEW person....with different thoughts, feelings, abilities...(and you start desperately searching for the manual that came with this ONE ..what did I do with that? Surely it was included in those papers I got at the hospital...). And it's like starting over again and again and again. And THEN you have to figure out how to be a fair parent (or appear fair) while parenting each child like THAT child needs it. That's why NO book in the world is gonna have all the answers because the answer is always different unless we want to start having cookie cutter kids which would be EASY to parent but definitely NO fun. ;)

Take the Blame and CHANGE.

facets:1. aspect of something: a part or possible aspect of something; 2.face of gemstone: any surface of a cut gemstone; 3. part of insect eye: a lens segment in the compound eye of an insect or other arthropod.

Facets have been on my mind lately as in the many facets of woman. We are so much more than we appear or at least speaking for myself, I am. People are always trying to fit you in a box. They try to label you so you make sense, right. Well, like most women I don't fit under one label or you might have mis-labeled me. I guess I find this to be true because I mis-label ppl often. The more I get to know someone then I have to change my labels or adapt them. I have to adapt my first impression of this person. Sometimes the adaptions to the label lead in a positive direction and sometimes they lead in the direction of me seperating myself from a friendship. Ppl end different types of friendships for different reasons. My reasons are never selfish. I try to never judge ppl based on their past to start with. Lord knows I have made mistakes and there are things I would take back but if our past is part of what shaped who we are then ..I can't take that away. And I don't judge ppl on their past because as long as your different, you've changed, your behaviors have changed then your making progress ..your letting your past shape your future but not letting it dictate you or ...as long as your willing to change, trying to change then that's admirable. I don't judge them on their past as long as they are showing signs that they are improving and they admit the mistakes and their part in them and admit they are working to fix that because ...well, I know ppl who blame their past mistakes on circumstances they claim they can't control or behaviors they can't change or ppl they hung around with. I just want ppl to take the blame when it's theirs to carry. There are times when I could have let someone else take the blame for what I did, say they were sorry and I could have let it go at that but TRUE change, TRUE repentence dictates that you must admit your blame and I guarantee you that NO ONE is blameless..wether your to blame for instigating the behavior, enabling the person or carrying your part of the argument then there is blame for you to bear somewhere.

As corny as it may sound when I think of those rehab meeting where you stand up and say "My name is ______ and I am an alcohlic." then that is what it's like. At first you have to own the behavior, admit it, put it on the table and face it head on ..YOU not anyone else before it's going to change. You have to admit your part and change for the better.

As I was writing my post (with two windows open) someone commented on my Facebook post today which said "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein. Let's change our behaviors if we're looking for different results ppl. ;)". And she brought me to mind (with her comment) about my own life changing moment of acceptance and behavior changes. Well, there have been at least two that REALLY changed the course of my life but I try to remind myself of this quote often usually in the spirit of "If you act like your mother then expect to get the same results as her.".

The first life changing moment that comes to mind is of a boy. His name was Mario Garcia. We worked together and had...relations. Not a relationship mind you but relations of the dirtiest sort. ;) One night before or after (that detail eludes me) the relations..I guess I was going on about how there were no good guys out there, no boyfriend material, no husband material, just boys that wanted one thing and he said to me (making me very angry in the process)that when I went around acting like I did then what did I expect. This boy who had just (or was about to) take advantage of me in this way told ME that I should re-evaluate the way I acted if I wanted to get the right kind of guy because the way I was acting was only leading to ONE type of guy. I think I was angrier because he was right. When someone says something to you that strikes a nerve (for future reference) you should evaluate wether there is any truth in it because if it hurts then there is probably truth there. Well, if he was about to get 'relations' then he didn't and if he had then he never did again because he was right and I was done. At first I was just mad at him but the longer I thought about it and let it soak in then I realized that he was right and I CHANGED my behavior. Change is hard but it can be done. It takes a moment. It takes saying to yourself and being honest (in my case) "Your acting like a whore and you can pretend all you want that you sleep with WHO you want and that you are in control of the situation but in truth you are letting these boys use you and losing respect for yourself in the process and if you can't respect yourself then HOW can you expect anyone else to respect you." I said this to myself and I said it til it hurt and change was still hard but I did. I took a different path and it lead me to my husband. It lead me here. And HERE is GOOD. :D

Some other day I'll tell you about my other LIFE CHANGING moment but that will lead to telling you about my mother and that's a whole 'nother can of worms that ain't ready to be opened yet. So adieu 'til next time. :D

Aspirations of Being a One-Hit-Wonder

I have aspirations. I have aspirations of becoming a writer or well of becoming a published writer. Have you ever felt like some ppl only have that ONE thing in them? That one good thing that they are going to do? It's like the one-hit-wonder, the artist who only EVER has one hit song and then it's over BUT that one song..it's usually one of my favorites. They may have only had ONE thing in them to give but it was GOOD and it's better than some people who will give you a lifetime of crappy music OR never even have a one-hit-wonder. I think it works the same with acting and writing. Some people will only ever write that ONE GOOD book or star in that one GOOD movie but that's all they needed. That's all they have.

Well, I have one. I have at least one in me and I'm going to write it one day. I am. As my mom would say 'You can write that in your little black book and then stick it where the sun don't shine.' ;) I've always known that I have one...one day...one day...when the time is right..when the planets align. It's there. I feel it.

College or not, I'M SMART! ;)

Kylie asked me yesterday if I went to college and I had to tell her 'Yes, briefly, but I didn't do well. I was distracted and I quit.' I didn't want to have to say that but it's the truth and I will tell her the truth. I will hope and pray for her that she will do better. That she will learn from my mistakes and do things BETTER than me. That's my wish for her. She did make me feel better by saying 'Then how did you get so smart?' lol. Wonder how much longer she's gonna think I'm so smart? lol. And I got to tell her that going to college really had nothing to do with being smart. I AM smart and I didn't go to college but I'd be EVEN smarter or at least I'd have a degree to SAY that I was smart instead of just knowing it. ;)

So I had a bad day...

So yesterday was a bad day. YES, I have bad days too. Not like a fight or upsetting day...just a bad one. A down in the dumps day. You know those where you feel low inside and maybe you can't even pin point WHAT exactly is making you feel that way. Well, it started out ok and then...I just started feeling bummed. BUT I'm one of those ppl that refuse to let things get me down. I feel myself headed down this path and I start scrambling to fight out of it. I decided to buy some new upbeat music (Music saves me so much!) and get a shower, put on some comfy clothes and do some UNNECESSARY shopping, the best kind. At first it seemed the day was just destined to SUCK. It seemed everything was going wrong. I couldn't get my ipod to download the music so I tried 'homesharing' (long story) on the other computer and had to re-load Itunes which takes forever and then I thought we didn't have any CD's (cuz I was just gonna burn a CD) BUT then I discovered some BUT they were the wrong kind. And this is just my MUSIC issues. Aaaaahhhh...The baby's diaper leaked pee. I was going to get the girls soccer uniforms and spent about 30-45 minutes looking for the damn address. Kylie and Lexie wanted to eat at McD because her school was doing a fundraiser there AND I was at Walmart and drove ALL the way across town to feel like a dumbass because of course, it was the McD with the playground. I really just wanted to go home but we needed to eat so I thought I'd get takeout from Chopstix (new restaurant in town) but the girls decided to eat there AND there my day finally went right. It was delicious and I THOUGHT fairly inexpensive. The rest of my night went fairly well. It was nice that for ONCE my day wasn't going bad or worse because of the kids acting up because the kids were being perfect. It was just ME. It did take longer to turn my day around than it normally does. I don't normally LET myself have a bad day...I start working to turn it around and it happens pretty fast but yesterday..well, it just wouldn't get better...

I was calling Foy to tell him about how I felt cuz I needed to tell someone. And I was trying to be completely honest with WHY I felt that way...I needed to know why I felt BAD. So I decided to pinpoint the exact moment I felt bad and I discovered that my problem WAS ...(drum roll please) that I have ALOT of friends but no BEST FRIEND. Most of the time I don't find this to bother me but some days...like yesterday...I start feeling like there's gotta be a reason, right. I mean I know I got faults like everyone else but I try. There have been moments in my life after all where I have had 'best' friends or really good ones at least but something always happens and maybe that's my fault. Maybe I have a problem with intimacy or letting ppl close to me or maybe I'm annoying or just one of those ppl that ppl want to be friends with BUT they can't handle too much of. IDK what it is and like I said, it mostly doesn't bother me but yesterday two of my mutual friends (who are best friends) were planning to do things together like always and I felt left out. I felt unloved. And I know that I'm not their best friend and I have no right pushing myself in where I'm not wanted...BECAUSE no matter WHAT I will not be that person.

I think that these feelings I have..I remember them and that's why I always work hard to include everyone (well, almost everyone) when I do something. I've pretty much felt this way my whole life and I never want other ppl to feel this way. I never want someone to feel left out or unwanted because I've been there and that's no way to feel. I've always been the odd one out and I've gotten use to doing things on my own and being ok with it. I've always read alot which is an activity that you do ALONE and I'm not sure if I picked the activity or it picked me because I've always been a loner. I've always been comfortable in my own head and skin. Even when I was in my teens I could go to a restaurant or a movie or a fair or the beach or anywhere else by myself and be perfectly fine. I thought that's why I didn't have a best friend because ultimately I don't NEED one. I can be with myself, by myself and still have a good time. Actually I NEED this sometimes. I actually need to go have coffee or go eat or go to a movie alone and some ppl never get that about me. I need the silence. I need the time inside my head when it's ok NOT to say anything. BUT just because I'm a loner at heart and I've got this upbeat tough outlook doesn't mean that I'm always ok with it or that I'm always ok alone. I mean anyone who knows me can tell you that I'm very social too. I love a big crowd with lots of ppl and tons of talk and I like to invite ppl to do things with me and attend functions or activities where there is socializing. I guess I'm both and most days 99% of them--I'm ok with that but just some days ..yesterday..was a hard day. I wanted a best friend to do things with ALL the time but TODAY I'm ok again. Just a bad day ..that to did pass.

I also want to point out that in a way I DO have a best friend. My husband. I share everything with him and when I was down--who did I call but him. He's there for me BUT he works so he can't always come when I need him or be here to do everything with me. BUT he is my best friend...just not a GIRL best friend so he gets things but not EVERYTHING about me. And that's ok too. ;)

P.S. This occured to me after I had already posted but maybe I don't have a best friend because in order to do that--one of you has to be the 'follower'. One of you has to give a little of yourself up to make it work. I'm never willing to give on ANY point. I'm willing to agree that we'll disagree but if your looking for me to agree with everything you say or like everything you like or be just like you in order for it to work then that's not me. I'm not that person. I was born with a brain, with a free will...I have a car, kids, home and the freedom to do what I want, when I want and THAT I will not give up for any friendship. Maybe I'm too much of a freethinker to have a best friend...or maybe no one likes that I'm so independent. My husband has always accepted that in me. He's accepted the fact that I'm with him because I WANT to be but not because I NEED to be. Anyways, just another thought on the subject...

Do you have a NEED?

I was on Facebook today (SURPRISE!) and one of the girls I went to h.s. with (I hesitate in calling her a friend.) had made a status update about a baseball game that her son was playing that was in overtime and she said to pray about it. SERIOUSLY, I'm gonna pray about that. SERIOUSLY, she wants to bother God with a BASEBALL GAME. I'm sure he wouldn't be bothered but can you say, get your priorities straight?! My mind is boggled. I am BOGGLED at this behavior. I mean she cares so much for this elementary aged boys baseball game that she's asking for my prayers on the subject. I just don't know....I don't know...People are out there dying of cancer, children are being sent to bed hungry, being abused, our country is going down the drain and she wants MY PRAYERS FOR HER SONS BASEBALL GAME. I'm speechless.

I miss going to church. I need to find one.

When I was at church on Easter Sunday the pastor (as always) asked you to raise your hand if you had any unspoken needs (after the spoken needs) before prayer and I always evaluate myself here and ... I never raise my hand. Some of the ppl raising their hand, well I know their unspoken need and some I don't but I figure if we're going to pray about it then it should be serious. I don't have illness in the family, none of us are near poverty or involved in drugs or other 'bad for you' activities...I always figure that someone elses need must be greater than mine..like the lady two rows over whose son is killing himself with alcoholism or the lady across the aisle whose daughter-in-laws are having an argument that is tearing their family apart or the lady over there whose son is dying of luekemia. These ppl HAVE NEEDS. I may have some wants but I don't have any needs...not like that, Thank God. I mean I could always use a blessing, Lord knows I've been blessed.

I reserve the right to GO NUTS and think for myself!

Every time I'm on vaca I get these really great ideas for a blog and then when I go to write I can't remember a damn one.

We spent most of the time with my Mom and I feel safe in writing this because the woman has no idea about the Internet, let alone how to work it it....she drives me NUTS. Well, lots of ppl drive me nuts, seriously. My hubby always wants to know why I talk to or hang out with ppl who drive me nuts and (other than my family cuz I got no choice) I really have no idea. And then I decided the other day it was because I wouldn't have anything to bitch about or talk about or gossip about if it wasn't for some ppl in my life that drive me nuts. Maybe I should be thankful for these ppl that drive me NUTS because somehow they make me feel so SANE. ;)

My Mom and I had this long discussion about 'friends.'. She insists she doesn't have friends because they are always trying to 'change' her..make her believe what they believe, make her see how what they do is better or right..that they can't simple be her friend and agree to disagree on the subject and while I was listening to her (God, she was getting on my nerves.) I was thinking 'what a crock of shit'. She doesn't have friends because she befriends ppl who are as looney as she is OR they aren't looney and soon decides that she is. She's forever one of those ppl that if they don't have enough drama then they have to make some. And for her to say she's an 'agree to disagree' person drives me NUTS too. She spends her time trying to convince me that everyone should home school their kids and blah blah blah. She has an opinion about everything I do but in all fairness she is usually pretty good about keeping her trap shut. Honestly, I think she was spending more time trying to convince herself that what she was doing was right than she was trying to convince me to do it. I wanna know what happened to everyone having their own opinion and that being ok. I'm just a stubborn enough kinda person that the more someone tries to shove something on me the less likely it becomes that I'll do it EVEN if I realize that it might be 'better' for me. I just refused to be bullied about a damn thing. And that makes me think of breastfeeding along with the homeschooling issue (what happened to doing what the fuck I wanna do?). What am I --a retard? I get that's it better for my baby and better for me and I know about all the damn studies and I honestly don't give a flying fuck about your opinion other than your opinion makes me want to stand on the other side of the argument and yell 'FREEDOM'. Freedom to choose what I wanna do. My children are healthy and happy and a damn site smarter and more well-adjusted than the average kid AND I DIDN'T BREASTFEED--OMG. A whole generation was raised without breastfeeding...a whole shitload of ppl and somehow we got where we are today.I'm free to make that choice for myself and if I wanted literature or articles (like I haven't read all the baby books myself) about it---I'd fucking ask you. And yeah, I might be bitter about the subject..actually I'm not bitter. I want to breastfeed. I openly admit that and admit that I have tried and couldn't do it (not for physical reasons but for sanity reasons and honestly lack of support when I needed it) and all I need is someone thrusting their literature in my face and telling me what I already know. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY -- GOOD FOR YOU..pat yourself on the fucking back and get over it. Or better yet, how 'bout you decide what's best for you and yours and DO IT and leave me and mine to make that decision for ourselves. I guess what I'm trying to say is if I need advice or opinions (and you'll find I rarely do since I'm full of my own ;) then I'll ask..

Despite having said this, I DO WANT to breastfeed my next child but would someone please shoot me if I go parading around and thrusting literature, articles, etc. in your face and trying to (in other words) tell you that what you chose to do, what you are doing is WRONG. It's not wrong to bottle feed or send your kid to public school...And I know these 'well meaning' ppl (because they always are) would tell me that it was 'just there if I wanted to read it' that they thought 'maybe I didn't know' or other such placating things. Well, guess what-- IT'S EVERYWHERE. It's in the newspaper, it's in every Moms magazine you pick up, it's mentioned in new stories often...I mean I GET IT..just because I'm not changing my mind and follow along behind you like cattle doesn't mean I don't get it. It just means maybe, just maybe I think I'm doing what's best for me and my own children. SO THERE! Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

I think some of this has accumulated and some is from my sister also (sorta another issue). She saw me heating the babies bottles and baby food jars and was like 'we'd never do that at the daycare' and she saw me hold my 11 month old babies bottle and she was like 'at the daycare we'd say she was lazy and why hadn't her Mom taught her to hold her bottle'. SURPRISE! I DON'T RAISE MY KIDS LIKE A DAYCARE. I raise my kids like I want to and I will continue doing that despite pressure from other ppl. I'll make choices for me and my own and you do the same and let's live with that--and agree we're different and enjoy those differences and learn from them.

I have to admit I have to bite my tongue ALL THE TIME and even sometimes I am not successful. I mean there are things I feel strongly about that I want to discuss with ppl and breastfeeding is not always on the bottom of the list. Some of my friends feel it's gross or unnatural and despite the fact that I didn't do it I still think it's beautiful and wonderful and perfect BUT I work hard to let them have their own opinions and respect them and not ask them to change for me or to listen to me 'preach' about what I think is right for them. Friendship should be more about acceptance than change.

And I think enjoying the differences and not trying to make ppl just like you can be rewarding if you let it. I am blessed with a diverse group of friends that I really, REALLY enjoy and I love that we're from all different backgrounds, religions, opinions...our walk of life have been different and hopefully they'll continue to be and they'll broaden my horizons and I'll broaden theirs and we can continue to be friends and love and accept our differences. I hope (think) that I have found friends that do not want to change me or make me a cookie cutter of who they are or what they think but respect me because I DO have my own opinions and I will not bow to someone elses version of me that I should be.

And if you don't like me because I had a differing opinion from you OR because I voiced it then maybe we shouldn't be friends. Maybe you should try to go be friends with someone who you 'think' is just like you and we'll see how that works out...

I love the differences in all my friends...it gives me something to bitch about to my husband..lol. 'Honey, do you know what they are doing, you want believe this...'. I DO NOT agree with all my friends but I hold my tongue and resolve to like them even though they chose to be different than me. :) I actual revel in the differences. I like to ask questions because I was born with an inquiring mind and I wanna know. Maybe I like to hear the differences because I think my way is better BUT I'd never tell you that because I believe in your right to choose (well, except for my sis maybe) and I believe in your right to make mistakes and learn from them (cuz we know I'm right) and I will avoid saying ' I told you so' because I didn't tell you so...I only 'thought' it.

Wow, this is EXACTLY why I don't blog late at night in a 'foreign' country. ;) TEXAS. Because I get CRAZY and start speaking my mind (I think) until I decide maybe I don't even know my own mind and that I should just SHUT UP. So g'nite all.

P.S. I would like to know why when I do spell check that it always wants me to capitalize Internet. Big, whoop-di-do, I suppose Bill Gates thinks his 'invention' deserves a capital ... WELL, from now on, I REFUSE. I reserve the right TO NOT CAPITALIZE if I don't want to so THERE. HA.