Nobody rules this body but ME.

I often write things in private groups but I don't share them with my general Facebook page and I feel sometimes I do my friends a disservice. Sometimes they think they know me but they are only a party to what I have chosen to show them. I try to pick what the material is I want to talk about so where it's an appropriate place to post it. If it's a private rant about my husband then in a off topic baby wearing group of local women or in a private group of close friends. If it's a parenting question then often in a whole life unschooling group since I know they parent similar to me. If it's about religion I often pick an atheist group. Sometimes I have things to say that I think no one wants to hear me ramble and that often arrives here.

Some thoughts I had recently.

I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian religion with lots of rules about women's bodies. Rules about what we could put on our bodies (no makeup, no cutting your hair, no jeans or shorts, no jewelry, etc) and rules about what we could do with our bodies (told where to sit in church, sex shamed and taught abstinence or hell). 

I went from that to what I thought were some unwritten societal rules about women. It's gross to have armpit hair, women don't have shaved heads, and fat girls can't love their bodies among them.

One day I realized I had just traded one set of rules for another and baby wasn't going back in a corner.

Nobody rules this body but ME.

So I had half my head shaved yesterday and I grow armpit hair. That's one finger on each hand in the air for YOU society and a religion that restricts instead of grows.

The conversation that brought about these words was when I was getting my head shaved. The hairdresser asked if I felt lighter. I told her nothing could compare figuratively or literally to the moment when I shed the rules of my religion and cut my hair for the first time at 18. That was a taste of freedom. 

Sometimes I cringe that I feel like I'm still defining myself. I'm still learning myself. I feel like I'm doing things a teen should do, stretching her wings and defining her style, but here I am a woman of 35 still stretching her wings and defining her style. 

Other times I feel like no matter what kind of childhood I had I would still be the woman I am because I get bored easily. I hate the mundane and the unimaginative. 

I read this article on children of narcissist and I can't decide if wanting attention is a horrible thing or a valid thing. I have the same problem that they talk about. I cut my hair into an extreme style or dye it a vibrant color and then shy away when someone makes a big deal about it. It has to be frustrating for others. 

I just want to know the choices I am making for myself ARE ruled by me and not ruled by my past. I don't want all of them to be because I am still trying to overcome or I'm still trying to prove SOMETHING to somebody. 

I wasn't sure how Foy was going to feel. It was rather funny actually. I showed up at the house after deciding to drive all night home when I had planned to stay at my sister's in Houston. I showed up when I turned to the shaved side he was half asleep and was like 'OMG, what happened to your hair?!?" HAHA. I started to say I was set upon by a gang of ruffians ...but it's ok, they just wanted half my hair. WTF did he think had happened? ha. 

He was kind of in a crabby mood all that day and I asked him if it was about my hair. He said maybe and I told him to get over it. I don't tell him what tats to get (He got at least two of them while I was out of town.) and those are permanent. His body, his decision. My body, my decision. 


All of the heavy accessing of my reasons behind it, I like it and I got many compliments when grocery shopping the next day. One woman just stopped and looked at me and said, 'You are beautiful.". It was amazing. I've never had a stranger have that effect before. I like to think it's my happiness or my smile or just my giant FUCK YOU to convention that they admire. 

I also got new shoes and a couple new outfits. Outfits that are terribly inappropriate for a fat girl if you ask some but I also say fuck you to that. Fuck any negativity. Fuck whether you approve of my body. Fuck your opinions. They don't belong on me. 

First Unitarian Universalist Church of San Antonio

I was procrastinating a counselor when I stumbled into UU. In my case it's a First Unitarian Universalist Church in San Antonio.

As some of you may know me and religion haven't often got along. I was forced to be Pentecostal growing up and it was never my choice. As soon as I turned 18 I vowed to never attend. I liked to say that I had enough religion in those 18 years to fill up my religion meter. In my head and to others I still said that I 'believed' in God, but not religion. A few years later I admitted maybe I was more spiritual than necessary believing and finally about a year or 18 months ago I started to embrace I was an atheist. From then it was a quick jump to really what I feel is I am an anti-theist since I really feel religion is mostly harmful.

I don't remember where I first heard of UU (I think maybe a freethinkers group.) but it sounded like something I may enjoy for the community. Oh wait, it was Karen who first introduced me. She was an atheist and said she enjoyed the community there. She described it as sort of a church for atheist. My curiosity was peaked but I didn't feel I missed the community.

I decided to check it when feeling particularly lost about my marriage. Sunday morning would be one less minute I would be stuck in this house with my husband so why not try it. From the minute I walked onto their campus I was rather happy. I also perused their website before I went and felt it was welcoming (especially the part about being late since I'm rarely on time). They don't have Sunday School as much as they have discussions. It felt like THESE ARE MY PEOPLE from the moment I sat in my first group. You can speak or listen. They discuss things pertaining to what makes us good people or how we could go good people or things about our human nature that are faulty and frail and we have to accept people anyways.

I can't say that in the 6 weeks I've been there I haven't had a hiccup or two. I have disagreed with a thing here or there but for the most part (95% at least) I have felt like this was a home for me.

I knew going in that THE most important factor was that it be voluntary. That every class, every second, every offering, every motion be 100% on my terms..not one single act was I going to follow through with that I didn't first question why and what happens if I don't.

I refuse to embrace an all encompassing way of doing things or an ideology that I didn't 100% agree with.

Some of the first things that attracted me to UU is that they accept EVERYONE. They make a special effort to accept the entire LGBTQ+ community with open arms. Not just accept but reach out to in love. That was important to me.

Another thing was ideology. They don't promote there is one god or one way and also it is well known that there is a large atheist community here at this one. They also have a coven and celebrate some things like Spring Equinox and the other pagan holidays. The first couple I met as a newcomer (in the newcomer meeting) was a polyamory couple. They brought their partners the second time they came.

UU strives to be inclusive in their use of pronouns and 'partner' and they are welcoming to the differently abled from special programs to making themselves super accessible.

I also liked that the very first meeting I attended they were giving the offering (which I learned they do once a month to different special worthy organizations) to PFLAG and today they gave it to No Más Muertes. It makes me feel good to be a part of a community that cares for others and each other.

Everyone goes out of their way to speak to me and I have had MANY riveting conversations that I can't imagine having anywhere else.

They have an excellent sex ed program where they talk about REAL sex issues with the young people and not just abstinence. Today the middle schooler class did FUUnd lunch and gave the proceeds to the San Antonio Humane Society. It's a GOOD place. They do GOOD things.

Now I won't go into detail about the hiccups right now. I may address them later but today I want to talk about todays sermon. It's been on my mind. I love the sermons. I could skip all the church-y singing and the phrase 'stand in body or spirit' (my body stays seated because I don't understand why I have to stand, I need a good reason and then I'll decide if I am) but I like giving to the offering and sometimes the music is better and I wouldn't miss the sermon.

Today she discussed prayer. I had no idea where SHE was going with this. That's right it's a woman (I love that.) Rev. Dr. Maureen Killoran. It was a weird topic since as a whole UU stays away from the 'p word'. I loved where it went though. I still don't like the p word and think I like a much better word for it like connection to our universe and ourselves and each other. That's sounds better than the p word, lol but I get why it's longer. Here is a copy of her sermon. 16 short minutes but from disbelief to understanding is where I went. I left feeling bigger, expanded somehow (and it wasn't just the lunch). I still haven't decided to 'become a member'. For one, it's been 6 weeks and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I don't feel fully...involved. Secondly, I'm not sure I will. Much like a marriage license, drivers license, social security card...I'm tired of all these ties that bind or cards that identify me. I just want to ...BE.