I predicted...

there would be a time when I would stop re-hashing what transpired almost a year ago (or was it longer or shorter..I've lost track) and it's finally happened. I finally feel better. I finally quit obsessing about whose fault it was and who said what and when and blah blah. I have made new friends and some have gone and some I'm not very close with and some I plan to get closer with but either way, I am forgetting even if not forgiving. Oh I still have moments now and then..mostly when my friends mention playgroup or a Halloween party that I know I wasn't invited to I still get sad. But those moments happen rarely and pass quickly. For some weird reason it helped to see her just out and about. The world didn't implode. The sky didn't fall. Life went on. And still does. And gets better. I am complete in my day to day life with my kids. I am already planning our next Summer excursions and enjoying my kids daily.

Halloween 2012

I get to be self-obsessed in my blog. I have said and still agree, it is my neurosis. I have wished before and still do that I did one of those crafty blogs or educational ones (all about bfing support and intactivism and healthy eating (don't laugh)) but I don't. I accept that.

So along the lines of my self-obsession, check out this SUPER COOL babywearing costume I did. It was a super duper hit and it made me so happy that so many people liked it. I couldn't even begin to count the compliments I got on it.

We did the Downtown Halloween Stroll this weekend and had SO much fun. I was in a really good mood and so were the kids. We ate lunch with Dad at The Way Station and then managed to catch some fun at the library. It was all a blast.

Oh and so you know that I'm really not this creative, haha, I got this idea from Ergobaby where I followed it to Pinterest and then found it on this blog.

I had so much fun making it and wearing it that I'm already thinking about what next years babywearing costume could be. Ezra slept a lot because he was all snuggy warm and being carried. I loved not having the bulk of the stroller to push around. Streamlining and babywearing is so much easier than all the extra crap. 

Here we all are. 

It was a great day. :))

12 Symptoms of Spiritual Awakening #1

I REALLY REALLY like this. I try to read it objectively. I definitely let things happen instead of make them to an extent. I have this weird thing that if it was meant to be then it just will. Like I think fate steps in sometimes. For example, if I'm writing a blog and my computer suddenly dies then I assume it was something I just shouldn't post. Ditto with my phone or text messaging, posting on my social sites, etc. Maybe I'm a bit superstitious. I learned not to fight the current but let it carry you. Someone was talking about her baby the other day. He cries a lot, wakes too much at night..more along those lines and I thought that's because we've been led to believe that is not normal for babies and it totally is. Plus it depends on their personality. I have had 4 babies and some have been easier or harder or different. They've each been different in some ways. When you say, I accept that we will wake up each night at least 4 times then it becomes easier. If you become resentful or mad it becomes harder. We just learn to let go and stop trying to make things adjust to us. And instead adjust to things. It's OKAY to do that. It's okay to just let things happen and not investigate, talk about or scour every detail. Religious people would say 'let go and let God'. But however you put it, it's usually healthy. 

I smile a lot. I think I do. I could smile more though. Smiling is like money...can there ever really be too much? 

#3 is harder for me. I feel more connected to nature than I do others. Or maybe I feel connected to others but they don't feel connected to me. It just says 'feelings'. I get these feelings. I actually make lots of connections. I don't think of myself as a very connecting person but the fact is that I make more connections than most people. I genuinely like meeting people. I like conversing. I like having friends. I would also like to work on my connections and thereby my children's connection with nature. More nature walks in our future. More outdoor activities. I am taking the kids hiking to the Timpanoga caves next Summer for sure. Also more exploration of Thanksgiving Point Gardens and I wanna check out that train around SL. 

I shall blog about the rest of these points at another time (we hope, considering my ADD I wouldn't be too expectant, haha). I love how I talk to myself like I have a 1000 readers. Actually I'm surprised at the number of page views I get a day anyways. It's......flattering. :)

Feminist

I don't know what a feminist is defined as but according to some women I may be one. I seriously don't understand some women. Annnnd I hate blogging from my phone. More later when I'm not mobile.

Lost things find me.

I have this weird idea about lost things. If they are meant to be found then they will find you.

I did say it was weird.

Foy is looking all over the house for my keys right now. I'm not worried. We still have his keys plus an extra key. My keys are here somewhere. I bet if I get off the computer and sort of float around the house they will come to me. He can spend ages looking for something and I will just sort of 'feel' where it is. It's a gift definitely not a curse.

You only reap what you sow.

I guess in all fairness I should continue the story. I did tell my Mother about the message I received and unlike me she isn't very good at keeping her piehole shut so she texted my Father a couple times (not sure what she said) and she messaged my Uncle (my Father's brother) on FB about it. She even tried to call my Dad's Mother. Anyways, yesterday I received this text from my Father, "Sorry, drunk and pissed, no family anymore". I have to admit the last line tugged at my heart strings but honestly he's not reaping anything he didn't sow. He hasn't been there for his family because he's been too busy chasing ass. If I had any advice to give him (but I won't because I don't talk to him) it would be to change his life NOW. To quit focusing on a piece of ass and devote himself to repairing and improving his relationship to his children/grandchildren. He CAN fix this. He should. I knew one day he would be a sad, drunk old man because of what he's done but I didn't know it would happen so quick. Despite that slight tug on my heart strings I don't think I can find it in myself to feel too sorry for him. Like I said, this is just his comeuppance that I expected sooner or later. And still, I don't care how drunk or pissed you are...you don't message that to the daughter you haven't seen in a year. You're a grown man, please start acting like one. I stopped drunk texting years ago and he's 18 years older than me. I realized that my actions have consequences and that I will have to live with them. 

What kind of Father does that?

I haven't talked to my Father in almost a  year. Actually this last text message I sent him (in the green) is dated mid November of last year. That is the absolute last thing I've ever said to him and ever plan on saying to him. I was pouring my heart out. I was letting out years of hurt and questions. I was telling him that I think that when I was 19 and he said to me that he couldn't have anything to do with his kids because he couldn't stand their Mother was BULLSHIT. I am not 19 anymore. I'm a 32 year old woman with children of my own and I can tell  you that NO MATTER what I would see my children. I would drive through hell, I would commit murder...I would spend the afternoon with Hitler, the Devil and Freddy Krueger. My Mother has brought him up and I've did my best to not listen. To be noncommittal because unlike her when I say someone is dead to me, I fucking mean it.

Our conversation had started because he couldn't manage to get my Mother the insurance information for my brother. I mean she is dealing with the every day implications of my brothers diagnosis and waking up at 2 am and worrying when she takes a shower she's gonna find him passed out. And walking tentatively into his room every morning and praying he's not in a comma from a low blood sugar. ALL HE HAD TO DO WITH PASS ON INSURANCE INFO. That was it and his sorry no good fucking ass couldn't even manage to do that. Yeah, I was mad and my voice was raised. He called me my Mother (WORST MISTAKE EVER) and HUNG UP ON ME. Yes, my Father said he didn't have to listen. Fuck that. I was quiet for over 10 years. I had shit to say.

THEN tonight (as you can see at 935) I get this text from my Father (in white). He's a real fucking class act that man. I'm more angry than hurt. What kind of asshole Father send THAT text to his daughter he hasn't spoken to in a year? I'm flabbergasted. But as much as I'm flabbergasted I refuse to open up dialog with someone who is dead.

I really want to FB this. I might end up doing it. For now, I'm gonna think on it and sleep on it.

This happened last year about the same time I was pregnant and lost a large portion of my friends. My brother was diagnosed which was stressful and upsetting to me. Anyone who knows me knows I am close to my brother. My Father was a raging asshole who I disowned at this very tumultuous time. I was pregnant and when I needed my friends to be forgiving and supportive they couldn't be. My heart is still hurt about that.

This may have been going on before this even happened with my friends. I am a very private person though and may have not felt comfortable opening up. I open up here in my blog more than I do in real life. It's just a weird facet of Ginger. I am more at home in the written word....though I am considering a youtube blog. ;) I have the account just haven't had the time to play with the camera and see how retarded I look. :)

In closing, I will not respond to him. I refuse to give him the satisfaction of dialogue. His ass is dead to me and will stay that way but seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?

Nigger or Penis?

I don't know how I forgot to blog this. Don't laugh but I often think I should carry around one of those tape recorders so when really great lines, ideas, blogs or words come to me that I can quickly record them and keep going. It seems my best ideas arrive to me when I'm no where near the computer. When I sit down and hold my hands over the keys waiting for the regurgitation to come, it often doesn't. Then I wind up blogging about....whatever pops in my head. Not always brilliant or insightful and often just....POOP.

When I was in Texas we were at my Grandma's and there was two great aunts, my aunt, my brother, my kids, my Uncle, my second cousin and of course my Grandmother. We got on the subject of the school system and somehow my Mom would up telling the story of how she told my brother to call a kid at school nigger.

Yes, I spelled it out. I cringe to spell it, let alone say it or even hear it. I grew up in a racist town and in a racist family. That's why I scoff at the idea that it's ok to be racist if you grew up that way. I grew up in a very racist family who dropped the N word like no big deal. Even I knew at a young age that it was dirty though. It was wrong. I went to school and learned about Harriet Tubman, Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King...I knew wrong from right. I had eyes in my head and a heart. I could see what was wrong. I could feel hate had no room in my heart.

Back to the story, some black boy at my brothers school called him a fag and didn't get in trouble so my Mom sent my brother back to school with strict instructions to call him a nigger. She's very proud of this story...if this gives you any insight into my Mother's psyche. She says (and keeps repeating), "I told him that we'll call it like it is.". Well, my Aunt wanted to recall a problem her daughter had with the school and her grandson and though it wasn't racist, the story (long and convoluted) did involve the word 'penis'.

Every time my Mother said the word nigger in her story (too many times) I'd cringe and look around for my children. I do not want them to hear that word or be exposed to that. I am not looking forward to explaining racism to them and them seeing the family they loved in a not so nice light.

After we left, that night at my Mothers she brought up the topics of the day and said how much she hated that my Aunt said penis. I mean (her words) Cash was sitting right there! (my 15 year old brother). So let me lay this out for you. She cringes to have someone say the word 'penis' in front of a 15 year old with a penis and I cringe to hear nigger. I mean, which is worse? I told her that penis is the proper name and asked her what she would feel more comfortable with, wiener? The whole incident just astounds me. THIS explains my Mother.

Also while I was home I had a good long talk with my brother. I told him about Mom and 'penis' and we both had a good laugh over it. I have explained circumcision to him. I also asked him if he knew what sex was. Seriously he's 15 and she has never talked with him. It's high time. I asked him if he knew how babies came into this world. We didn't have a lot of time to talk but I think I got the general idea out there and at least I opened up the lines of communication. In my way I was saying..we can talk about these things if you need to. I mean I'd hate to think he's getting his entire sex ed from the x-box (which I'm sure he is) or youtube (cringe).

My brother and I also talked about cow's milk. My Mother disagrees with me that it's bad but I dropped some bugs in my bros ear. He's not afraid to think outside the 'norm'.

The moral of this story is..what's worse? nigger or penis. Well, I definitely know what I think. My kids can say penis. If they say the n-word there will be much discussion and long talks and reading and ...well, I pray they won't.

This too shall pass.

I'm so tired. I didn't want to post it on my FB and be discouraging. Being positive about bfing is so important especially for a new Mom. I don't want to discourage anyone just because I'm bitching. BUT GOD, I'm so tired. He's in full sleep regression mode, teething mode and I'm pretty sure a growth spurt and dear LORD, he's about to suck my nipples off. I'm feeling touched out and mostly just tired. He's not napping much and he's fussy. He's eating a lot at night. If I wasn't bedsharing and side lying then this would be even worse. I know it will pass.....I just think I need some encouragement or a pat on the back or something.

I'm tired.

I am so proud. My cousin had failed at bfing (as I did with 3 kids) and we spent at least two hours on my last trip home talking about bfing. Then when she had her baby she had the same 2nd day home problems that we all have. We doubt our bodies. We get tired. We worry about diaper output. I talked her down and she kept on and pushed through. Then she wrote me how tired she was and was feeling like she was doing all the work and I talked to her about co-sleeping and side lying. She wrote me the next day that she had the best sleep EVER. Her and the baby slept very well. She is amazed how well bedsharing is working. She never thought she'd sleep with her baby but she is. That happens so often because really bfing and bedsharing go hand in hand. Your bfing relationship will be more successful and last longer if you share a bed with your baby. And bedsharing can be completely safe. It can even be beneficial to your baby. Anyways, she's on my Fb and I don't want to discourage her with my problems right now. Like I tell her, this too shall pass. THIS TOO SHALL PASS.