Need?

My Mother loves to say that I can go to my friends if I 'need' something when she gets mad..which flabbergasts me because when she says that it's almost like she's assuming she has EVER cared for my needs. Let's be clear. My Mother has not babysat my kids, washed my clothes, paid a bill, or cared for me and my needs or the needs of my children in my memory. I'm sure (I think.) at some point MAYBE she cared for one of my needs as a child or even as a teenager. I guess she bought my clothes and cooked my food. Let it be known that for every thing she ever did for me she let me know that because she did these things I was under her rule. That I owed her because she did these things. They were lorded over me and held up as evidence that somehow I OWED HER SOMETHING.I owed her at the least obedience. You know, my house, my rules. She never did anything out of love or respect.

This is why I cannot let people do things for me. This is why I can't take things from others. This is why I have a hard time accepting gifts. You have no idea what it was like growing up with this woman. To feel like every bit you ate or every piece of clothes you wore were bitterly given to you OR given to you as a means to control you.

As far as my friends, I think they can attest that I do not ask them to fill any needs for me. That I have not and never will.....if only because my Mother scarred me in this way. In the way that I find it impossible to accept the help of others.

Asshole Views.

Please tell me other people have as much drama as I do. I. hate. drama. My Mom sent me a FEW texts which I didn't respond to til today. I responded because she said 'You can tell your 'friend' to to shove it up her ass and so can you'. (These are the type of texts I get from my parents..envy me, please. Completely unwarranted as I have not said a WORD TO HER.)WHAT FRIEND? I have no idea what she is talking about. I asked her and she said something else not answering my question so I just wanna say if some well meaning friend has read this blog (The only place I have shared this other than to my cousin and husband.) and tried to communicate with my Mother..this is her message to you. *sigh* This is why I do not engage her because it is futile. She is full of hate and nastiness. She has NEVER in her life said 'I made a mistake. I was wrong. I apologize.' and she never will. I believe that.

Update. I guess I should say I blocked her from my FB so I have no idea what friend she means and what has been said.

If someone reading this blog has tried to speak to her, please don't but please 'fess up to me. I'm super curious which 'friend' of mine would go to such an effort. It's very sweet even if it's misguided.

Wow, it's been a shitty few days..(I hate my Mother and my Father.)

Even as I write the title my little brain says, "Come on, Ginger, aren't you being a little bit overly dramatic? It hasn't been THAT bad.".

My Mom ..how do I say this..gave my brother to my Dad because she can't handle him. I really didn't know the extent of how bad it was until I talked to her. She is the meanest person I know, hands down. I'm sure she said some awful things to him because my whole life she said awful things to me and still today I use them to fuel an inner fire because FUCK HER. My Dad wouldn't come get my brother because he can't leave work..oh wait, no, it's because he's a major ASSHOLE. So he got his brother to come pick him up. Well, my brother just knew that nobody wanted him so he packed up a backpack and escaped out of the window....with a pistol. Oh yeah, no I'm not kidding. Mom found him wandering around and he told her he was going to find some place to live other than with her or Dad since nobody wanted him. My baby brother thinks nobody wants him. OH God, how can anyone let a 16 year old kid feel that way? He's a good kid. If anything he's a saint for putting up with her. He's diabetic. His whole life is structured around shots and eating and my Mom makes it worse by controlling every other part of his life. He can't even go to school. She wouldn't let him go now because it would mean admitting that he's so far behind because she isn't actually homeschooling him. She won't let him go outside because it's too hot and he might go somewhere or do something she doesn't like. His whole life and every friend he has is on the x-box, LITERALLY.She won't let him get a permit or license. She won't even let him have a phone if she decides on a whim he can't have it. She controls his food like a Nazi.

This kid feels this way...is breaking my heart. I vow that my kids WILL NEVER feel this way. They will never feel unwanted. Do your worst kids, make my life a living fucking hell and I will STILL FUCKING BE HERE, til I die. That is my responsiblity, not only that I LOVE YOU.


My Mom can only post on FB about herself. Poor her. Poor poor her. It must be horrible. Boo fucking hoo.  The house is too quiet. She hopes she made the right decision. Her kids are such a disappointment. She shows me EVERY DAY a lesson in how I do not want to be. I won't take to social media to tell my kids they are a disappointment. This I vow. I will TALK to my kids. I will be proud of them no matter what they do..well, most of what they do, I hope.

So my uncle picked him up and then has asking the school for his records. I'm sure my uncle wants to put him in school. Will he live with my uncle? Is he happy there? What about my douchebag dad?

My brother is on Medicaid because my Dad isn't covering him on insurance like he's suppose to. My brothers medications are SOOO expensive. Like 300$ for one vial.

I've been wanting to call my brother the last couple of days but I haven't......Why can't I? Part of the reason has been my Mom. How will she respond when she knows he is here...if he decided to come here? He is better off away from her no matter what. If I ask him to come, how can I afford the medication? Am I capable of taking on a 16 year old? Why did he have the gun? What if he is thinking of harming himself...or others? He is such a good kid. He's my fav sibling by far.

Today I half jokingly posted I was leaning toward anarchism. I really meant more the libertarian side but whatever. It's not like I rushed down to the office to change my political afiliation or started burning things in the street. It was a post, whatever. She starts commenting on it how sad SHE is and SHE is disappointed and that I AM THE ONE brainwashed. THEN she makes a FB post about how she doesn't know how she went so wrong as a Mother to have such disappointing children. I took a screen shot but I'm too lazy to post it right now. The woman is unfucking believable.

I know you remember my Dad and I aren't speaking and haven't for over a year now. Actually at about a year I got a 'fuck you' on a text from him. Yeah, he's a stand up fucking Dad. It's a wonder my siblings and I aren't more fucked up than we already are.

My Mother hasn't had a job in YEARS. She got a divorce from a husband who supported her and now she is letting another man pay her bills. She hates this man. She lies to him and asks me to lie to him as well. She uses lies and persuasion (I don't know if she's having sex.) to get him  to give her money. Other than the money she gets from him and him paying her bills she lives off the child support from her kids. If she doesn't get child support she threatens to give the kids back. Actually this might be part of what happened. Why can't she work, you say? NO FUCKING REASON. She's a lazy bitch. What does she do all day? FARMVILLE. That's it. For hours and hours and hours. She has never done one thing (other than finding a man to give her money) to improve her situation.

I went traveling in the RV with her this Summer, how did she help me? NOT A FUCKING THING. EVER. She never once unhooked a hose, hooked anything up, or cooked a meal. She never watched my kids for me, washed clothes for me, or helped me one single way. ACTUALLY she made more of a mess. It was like having another kid...AND I gave her my bed so I slept on the table/bed which was not as comfortable. I could not WAIT for her to leave. I kept hoping she was going to leave early..even on the trip back to Texas I kept encouraging her to go ahead of me and telling her I knew she missed her bed...JUST so I could have my bed and sanity back.

I AM DONE. The real only reason I had a relationship with her was for my siblings. With Cash gone (and I wouldn't doubt Caden soon) then I have no reason to even pretend to care. I will not answer her phone calls. I will not talk to her but I what I will fucking do is call my brother and offer him my love and support because FUCK HER.

I don't talk to my husband. I mean, I've probably said 10 sentences about this whole affair to him. He did encourage me to call my brother. I do not talk to friends. I do not talk to my sister. I bottle all this anxiety and worry and heartache and I package it with a smile and a 'things could be worse' attitude. I go about my fucking day and I take care of my kids and I pack my stuff and I get ready to leave my home of the last 8 years. But you want to know what, this sucks.

You want to know why I'm fiercely fucking independent. You want to know why, because the best lesson my Mother ever taught me was to rely on NOBODY. Everybody will let you down.

The only adult in my life who has never EVER let me down is my Grandmother. That's it.

Just another rant.

I really hate the term 'mommy wars'. People love to whip that one out any time they feel 'judged', another term I'm not in love with it. I guess because I think judgement is internalized. Too often when someone feels 'judged' it's because they are dealing with guilt or an issue of their own. It really has nothing to do with anyone else 'judging' them. All choices are not equal. I get really sick that we are suppose to go around patting each other on the back for. everything. Where does it end? At one point do we stop patting someone on the back for the choices they made and instead say, "Hey, you could make better choices.".

Travel Blog (I made one.)

I still plan to put my deepest darkest thoughts here but I really wanted to share my Summer fun more universally, without being judged for my ...emotional throwup that happens on this page SOOO


I started a new blog for my Summer fun. Follow me there at www.blazeatrailwithme.blogspot.com.

I will mostly just be sharing my Summer plans/traveling over there but if I have anything highly offensive, controversial or I just need to vent..this will ALWAYS be my go-to place. It's where life gets messy!

First Birthday Boy!

Today my baby boy turns 1.

Remember in my last post how I avoid unpleasant things..well, I've kind of avoided this topic all day. It makes me sad, like my heart will explode with the sadness of it all.

See, I can't even blog about it......

He has the bluest eyes. 

His smile makes the sunshine in heart. 

This is my Kangaroo Care nursing/babywearing necklace. We both love that thing. It's bright cheerful colors make me happy. 

This is our 'official' first birthday diaper. It was made by Kim's Cloth. The softest minky inside and out. He's a rootin' tootin' cutie in it. 

This is one of my all time fav pics of us. I feel it expresses our feelings best. There is a connection, a deep unexplainable connection. Sometimes we press our foreheads together and it calms us both. I feel all my worry go away and he instantly calms as well. 

I think this displays one of my fav wraps in an awesome way. Earthy Rainbow by Girasol is definitely a legacy wrap for Ezra. I'm thinking we might have it converted to a MT though. My sign is Earth and this wrap speaks to me. 

Flowers need sunshine!

Sometimes I think my husband isn't happy unless I feel like him.

He's the uptight one. He worries about EVERYTHING. So he made it his life goal to get us out of debt. I mean he scrambled, worked, planned and finally we are pretty much debt free except for our car and house (plus usual utilities). NOW he's stressed because we're not saving enough money. That's just his personality. He can't function without stress. I should also add he's on meds for stomach ulcers that are precancerous. Actually they are in his esophagus and are from stomach acid BUT details aside they are stress related. He's always been this way. I couldn't function like he does. My heart would give out. I would break into.

I on the other hand am a free spirit. I don't worry about things I can't control. I'm a pay the minimum kind of girl....and it might even be late sometimes because I was busy living life. Oh fine, yes I procrastinate and I avoid things that are unpleasant. BUT I was single and paying my own bills before I met him. I was married and paying my own bills until he got the job he has and we decided I would quit. I CAN be responsible. My responsibility is just more happy go lucky than his.

The kids are upsetting us. I am working really hard on my gentle parenting. I am working on 'freeing my kids'. I am trying to come from less of an authoritarian stance and trying to get them to agree with me on things. It really comes down to ONE issue and that's cleaning up after themselves. One of my friends thinks she has solved the issue by getting rid of ALL of her kids toys. All of them. She just took them away except for like 1 or 2. I have my doubts. First off, my kids barely ever watch tv and I like that. Secondly, they DO play with toys...that's usually how they wind up all over my house. EVERYWHERE. If I could just find some potion or words or way to make them pick up after themselves..... :(

Foy makes me feel like a failure. We just spent over 30 minutes of him telling me that the kids don't mind, the house is a wreck (apparently it's so bad he'll have take a vaca to help me organize it), we can't and never will afford a larger house, we can't save money because I spend too much, blah blah blah.....and now he can be happy because I feel punched, repeatedly punched. I feel just as sad, downtrodden and worried as he does. I feel just as negative.

I'm the positive one. I see the sunny side always..in every situation. It's my charm.
I don't function well in this dark and gloomy state. I'm susceptible to depression.

I need positive things to look forward to. I need sunshine and light and a devil may care attitude.

Fuck. I think I just need a drink. God, that sounds good. 

Sex with A-holes (never a good idea)

Oh. My. God.

My head is going to explode.

I just read some thread from some chick I barely know (just on the interwebs) about how she's 7 weeks pregnant by some douche who has already admitted he doesn't want to be in the baby's life AND he has another girl pregnant at the same time AND this chick has a baby that turns one this month whose Father she does not get along with and she has constant court battles with. Ok, what really blew my mind was an entire conversation about how he didn't wear a condom. What.the.fuck. Uh, #1 Dude don't wear a condom you say, "GET THE FUCK OFF ME OR PUT A CONDOM ON.". It's really that simple. #2 Why is birth control only his responsibility? Get on some yourself. You are bringing new life into the world and all you got is, "He sucks for not wearing a jacket.". #3 Why are you having sex with big fat douche bags who don't want to care for the children they put in your belly. I can guarantee you he didn't suddenly become an a-hole, he was one when you had sex with him. Don't have sex with assholes.

This makes me wanna go talk to my girls right now. Men are...look, there Dad is a good guy but I know way too many men who run out. Birth control is the responsibility of both parties. That baby will grow in your belly. YOU will deal with the consequences when he is already in the rear view. Have sex with men (on birth control) that you would WANT to make a baby with to begin with.

I really can't believe people can be so idiotic and ignorant but this should not surprise me.

My 1st Grader Quit School

I don't think I've written (pardon my amnesia if I have) about our new homeschool/unschool adventure.

I really write it that way so it looks like I'm not committed to unschooling and so people won't question me. People always ask lots of questions when you say unschool. I don't like questions.

I also say it because it's less scary for me. I haven't really gotten around to looking for a curriculum since my 1st grader decided to quit school a couple months ago. Lazy parenting FTW.

It was becoming such a dramatic ordeal to send her to school. She didn't want to get up. She didn't want to get dressed. She didn't want to go to school. I was certain that her stomach pains and random vomiting (that seemed worse on Sunday night) had something to do with anxiety about school. Sure enough once we decided she wasn't going anymore the stomach pains have disappeared and no more anxiety vomiting. It just happened one morning. I was going to drop her off and she burst into tears. She didn't want to go. I said SCREW IT, we're done. Let's go home. You don't have to do this. I don't have to do this. We are a 'letter of intent to homeschool' only state  PLUS our compulsory attendance law says she doesn't have to attend til the school year where she is 7 when school starts....which wasn't 1st grade. I went ahead and filed the letter though just to cover my ass with the school district, her school and I told them she was checking out. We went by her class and told her friends and teacher GOODBYE. Lexie never hesitated, never cried, and has never once regretted her decision.

I won't lie. I was scared and still am. I was fearful of having THREE kids home all day (my 3rd grader still goes to public school). They were gonna drive me nuts right? This was gonna be HARD but I would be ok. Never could be farther from the truth. My Lexie is a different child. She is easier to talk to, happier, more talkative, and bright.

I not only feared that. I fear she isn't doing what she should..she isn't learning enough. What if she's behind? What if she can't go to college? What if she never learns to read any better than she does now? *cue panic*

We're just going one day at a time. We go to the library. We talk. We go to the park. We do LOTS of crafts because that's her favorite. We just have fun. I hope we figure it out....or she figures it out...or I do ...or something.

For the Mamas with regrets....I keep fighting to inform.

Sometimes as an advocate for bodily integrity I get discouraged. I feel like I'm helping no one and instead being called an 'extremeist' or 'militant' when I just want to help save other Mama's from the regret that SOO many Mamas have. I have regrets, luckily not circumcision regrets but other ones. In just the short time that I've been advocating for this painful, scarring, needless practice to end I have had  at 3 women come to me speaking of their regret. I had three women who said they didn't know. THEY are the reason I advocate so loudly. I had one friend who I believe is experiencing a form of PTSD because she had to help hold down her nephew so he could be cut. They nicked the head of his penis and took too much of his foreskin as well. His penis will probably curve and his erections may be painful later on in life.

I almost cry writing this. WHY? We aren't cutting the genitals of girls for cleanliness and trust me, vaginas have more folds and nook and crannies than a penis. We aren't cutting out breast buds of girls who have a history of breast cancer in their family as a preventative measure. We aren't telling girls their vaginas have to match their Mothers. WTF? I don't want to look at my Mothers vagina, thank you...nor do I want mine to match hers. We treat girls who have UTIs with antibiotics yet we amputate part of boys' penises to prevent this. WTF? Antibiotics, not amputation!

Sex as nature intended it is the way to go. Here are some articles on the functions of the foreskin. It is absolutely not a useless piece of skin. Remember you are not circumcising a baby but the man that he will become. http://www.noharmm.org/advantage.htm and http://www.drmomma.org/2009/09/functions-of-foreskin-purposes-of.html and http://www.circumstitions.com/Functions.html .

I guess no matter what part of circumcision that gets through to you....no matter what studies I read about how many UTIs he might get in his first year (he's had none), infections (he's had none) or his increased risk of HIV (I expect him to use safe sex practices and not rely on his foreskin or lack thereof to do the job) it always gets back to a few basic common sense things.

1. It can be removed later but never replaced. (Restoration aside, that's another conversation. Though even in this case it will never be the same.) PERMANENT. You are making permanent body modifications to an infant who cannot consent. It is not life saving or even needed.

2. Foreskin is not a birth defect. Say it slow and say it a few times..Every baby boy (unless he has a birth defect) is born with one. That's a plan. A purpose. A reason. Who am I to say I know better than Mother Nature or God or evolution? What other body parts do we routinely remove that aren't a birth defect? NONE.

3. Europe (just to take one country) keeps their babies foreskin attached and have no idea what our issue is with it. They think we're nutso doing things to the genitals of our brand new babies! And I agree! They have whole, intact natural penises and no problem with it.

That's really all I need to know about circumcision. Those 3 facts alone. I've heard the 'look like Daddy' reason and as I mentioned before, I don't compare vaginas with my Mother...I refuse to think my son wants to compare penises with his Father. Plus I'm having sex with my husband's penis, not my sons...creepy that I would want their genitalia to match. If you don't think your son has enough gumption to rinse under his foreskin WHEN HE RETRACTS IT (you never retract a boy, they will retract when they are ready) then you are seriously underestimating him. I'm not really sure what kind of job a man who can't rinse under his foreskin will have.

I want my son to experience sex as nature intended it as well as his future partner. I wouldn't want to rob him (or his partner) of that. If he wishes to do it later he will be able to (see point 1 again). Here is a link about Sex as Nature Intended It.

When I started researching circumcision it helped me to put together some things about my own sex life. In recent years I have resorted to lube. I honestly felt like it was a malfunction on my part but come to find out it's because my Mother In Law had my husbands foreskin removed! Her decision is effecting MY sex life. BUMMER. He should come equipped with his own lube to help with mine not to mention he should have a ridge that fits perfects with my woman parts...but his parts of been surgically adjusted. I will not have sex as nature intended it.

This practice is barbaric and disgusting. I want it to be made illegal.

I am still on a journey.

I started a FB update...but then thought it was running a little long and might be better as a blog. This was it:

"I swear I just saw some chick say that she didn't want to use her breasts for feeding. They make easier ways to do that now because it's the 21st century. How does she think we got to the 21st century? Formula is no comparison to breast milk. FACT. Get informed, get supported and find out how easy it can be! It's natural, it's normal, it's using our breasts for their intended purpose. *steps off soapbox* If you can't breastfeed I highly recommend a milk nurse, donor milk, a supplemental nursing device and then organic formula (homemade might be best). Formula companies LIE. "

Formula companies. LIE. Yes, they do. They seem to be supporting breastfeeding but after all if they REALLY do that then they are out of business because women are gonna connect the dots. We have more childhood cancers and diseases than ever before. Do I think it's all formula? No, I don't have the answer. I just know we need to change things. We need to start thinking really hard about what foundations for healthy eating habits we are laying down in our kids. Not only breast milk but child led weaning. Child led weaning is the baby feeding themselves. Ezra has never been spoon fed. He only eats what he wants and how much he wants. It's easy to overfeed them if your spooning food into their mouth. I have often heard AP/ natural parenting described as lazy and I won't lie, it's THAT easy. The saying goes 'Food for fun before 1'. I love LOVE that Ezra is still getting all the nutrients he needs from me. Everything he NEEDS. If he sleeps through every meal today (in various naps of course, not one giant one) it's no problem because as long as he's nursing I am fulfilling his nutrition needs. How awesome is that! My milk is freaking awesome.

Child led weaning is so easy. Ezra at 9 months would eat what he wanted from in front of him and leave the rest or he may only eat a little of some and a lot of another. I think our cravings in pregnancy and every day life (well, within reason..probably not my crazy chocolate craving..that's more of an addiction) are our bodies way of telling us what we NEED. I want Ezra to listen to his body. He will know what he needs and when he is full. I think breastfeeding and child led weaning are key in putting a stop to obesity issues in childhood in this country. Is it the ONLY answer? No. There are other factors to consider but I do think those are two major ones.

I think eating healthier foods without pesticides or that have been genetically modified are important. I think we need to pay attention to what is going in our bodies and in some cases on our bodies since our skin is our largest organ and absorbs so well. Birth control patches and nicotine patches anyone? I mean we realize it absorbs but we put products on it that we can't even pronounce the name of.

I wish that I had thought to blog my journey. I was just commenting the other day that here to where I am has been a journey...a journey I am still on. I can't even remember where it started but it's snowballed. I wish I had thought to bring you on this journey with me, my friends. It's so hard to go back and remember what study I read or what info I saw that led me here. I even left my husband behind to some extent. He doesn't understand my unschooling. Unschooling is a journey that is just starting for me but so far I am very excited.

Which groceries can you keep?

I don't make New Years resolutions, I think it's silly to set that sort of insane goal for yourself BUT in the New Year  I did make a vow to myself that I would watch my money better and a little more responsibly. In my efforts in that direction I took my credit card out of my wallet and left it at the house.

This morning after I picked the two older girls up from their sleepover I had to go to Albertsons for a few things. I had 27$ in my wallet and I THOUGHT 24$ in the account but I didn't check it. When I went to check out I had 48$ worth of groceries. I put in my cash and ran my card. (I was in self-checkout.) AAANNNND, I didn't have enough on the card so I had to put some things back. I was mortified. So embarrassing! I had to get a manager to void my purchases and return my money so I could start over and only get enough as I had cash for. I mumbled something about a card but my face was red and I was just mortified.

Even at the time I realized that things like these are just good for me. I get to be in a situation so next time I will have empathy for the person in line who might have to do the same thing. While it was going on I thought I couldn't decide if it would be more embarrassing to have someone offer me money, not offer me money or offer to assist me. I just wanted to melt and disappear. I felt like the manager must pity me so.

I can't help that even at the second I had to feel lucky. I mean, I have credit and I have a pantry full of food (just not what I wanted at the time). Some people would really have to make this decision about what groceries they would have to eat and what they would put back, not be able to send their husband out in a couple of hours to get what they had to put back.

So in conclusion, it was embarrassing. I learned multiple lessons. I am lucky.

Tiny Humans

I believe the comfort of my children should also be paramount in the equation of bedsharing. It has always allowed me more sleep with my nursling because really his comfort and happiness makes me rest easier, as it should. There is a reason we find our babies cries to cause us anxiety and be upsetting. That's how it was designed.

The more time I spend babywearing and being close to my child the harder I find it to be away from him. I believe THIS is how its suppose to be. This is the design we should be loving and living by. Not carrying them in a plastic bucket, setting them in a plastic stroller and laying them in a wooden bed but in our arms, that's where we should carry our children.

I was at the LLL meeting the other day (for example) and the lady who by all accounts was a wonderful Mother when it was near the end placed her wide awake child in the car seat strapped in and came to visit with us adults. I kept glancing at the child because she seemed so detached from her. The baby was fine but I felt that if I were her I would rather be spending time with my Mother.

Our children learn by seeing, exploring and imitating what we do. If what they see of life is from a plastic bucket seat from the knees up, that slows their learning and comprehension of the world around them. If I wear him he feels my natural movements, he feels my body language, watches my facial expression and those of other adults around him. When I cook if he's on my back I tilt my body where he can see what I'm doing because otherwise he cranes his neck to get a look. If I don't wear him he cries at my feet to be picked up so he can learn, explore and see.

Here is a great article on the benefits of babywearing.

I have another link on bedsharing but I can't find it because I am being rushed, more later.

A little about vaccines.

It's true! It's true! 

I can't tell you how many of the ladies in my online due date group ran out and got their babies vaccinated for the flu......and now their babies have it. 

Those vaccinations aren't even CLOSE to preventing the flu so now you you've injected toxins into your kid...and didn't even prevent anything. What is that Bible verse? We are fearfully and wonderfully made? TRUTH. 

Toxins in flu vaccines you say? Here is a list from the CDC of the ingredients in vaccines. Some of them are: formaldehyde, monkey kidney cells, fetal bovine serum (cow), aluminum, thimerosal (mercury), eggs and if you research some of the 'human' stuff in them you'll find it was grown from aborted fetus tissue. YEP. This is a government website so I'm not even giving you biased info here. This info is listed on vaccine inserts that you NEVER SEE. Do you know that your doctor profits from vaccines? Yep, that's right. And profits more when your kid is always sick. Do you know what is listed as adverse reactions on some vaccine inserts? You should know this stuff. I didn't know this stuff. 

Cuz...I'm fixin' to tell you something (yeah, I am.). ;)

I can't get stupid Netflix to work so I can finish watching what was working up to being a very good episode of "Breaking Bad". It's my new obsession lately. So I guess I'll blog. It's been awhile. I have a few things on my mind. (You totally knew I did.)

Things I do that may or may not annoy others:
I use parentheses a lot. I like them. Get over it.
I write 'cuz' cuz I can.
I use the word fixin' in verbal and written word.
I write like I talk which I like to think of as whimsical (notice I didn't say grammatically correct).
I'll get back to you with more....Oh that's right I use the ... a lot. I like it. That's how I talk. Run on sentences. Run on thoughts and ...'s.
I like the winky face.

When I first went to see the LC consultant here at the midwife's office I didn't agree with some things she said. Because admitting that she was right was gonna make me have to admit that I made a mistake..that I did something wrong. She told me of bug parts in formula and the health benefits of breastfeeding. I could have reduced my girls chances of having breast cancer (and mine!) simply by breastfeeding them. I left her office saying...ok, ok..I get it. Breastfeeding is good but I'm not sure I buy ALL that stuff. But then the more I read, the more involved I got, the more I researched it became a slow dawning moment. She was right. I was wrong. I had did something to my children unwittingly though it was that was not in their best health. I have had to accept that. I have told my girls. I have told them how sorry I am that I didn't breastfeed them. I have told them why. I got past blaming myself and starting pointing blame where it belongs. I read "What To Expect When You're Expecting" which was THE WORSE BOOK EVER. Recently the Pinkpeas midwife said that if you see that book or find it make sure and destroy it and boy, is she right (and not just because of breastfeeding mind you). I listen to the wrong people. Pediatricians that said, oh yeah if you need a break its ok to give them a bottle of formula on day 2 before your milk comes in.

When Kylie was a few days old she wouldn't stop crying one night as babies often do. I never even attempted to breastfeed her. She was the one baby (and I will admit it was mostly because of THE BOOK and the fact that I was working) that I never even wanted to. From the very first day I said I was formula feeding. This one night I was up with her by myself and she was just so upset and it seemed to be her tummy and I felt so sorry for her and I was at my wits end and I put her to my breast. That moment makes me wanna cry when I think about it. My mothering instincts were trying to steer me in the right direction but *clears the tears so she can type* society and my preconceived ideas that for one reason or another got stuck in my head steered me wrong. I hadn't seen women nurse. NO ONE I knew nursed. I had never seen a woman do it. She wouldn't take my breast. I felt silly and a little dirty for trying and never told a soul. I FELT DIRTY. WHY? Because I had never seen it. I had never seen breasts used for their natural purpose!! What is wrong with society that a 24 year old woman hasn't seen this?

Well, that's my sordid story. I put my none breastfed baby to my breast to try to comfort her and felt dirty for it. Oh, it hurts my heart that I ever had to feel that way.

I saw a blog today. It was titled something like "Parental Awakening" or something like that. I thought man, that is me to a tee. If I had to title a blog something that might be best.

I was telling Kristin the other day about paths. It doesn't matter how much someone tries to drag you kicking and screaming down a path...chances are you aren't going. Everyone had to find the path in their own way. It's so hard for me (especially as a genital integrity advocate) to accept that. To accept that I will not be able to drag some people to the light no matter what I do. That they will have to set upon the path themselves. I don't know if I can even point to a moment that it started for me. Poor Kristin gets so heartbroken for the baby boys. She takes so much to heart and tries to help so many. She can't take it and she's taking a FB break. I feel for her. I try to remain stoic. I try to just do what I can, when I can. That's all I can do whether your talking genital integrity or baby cages. Some books to read about birth and breastfeeding: The New Active Birth, The Birth Partner, Ina May's Guide to Childbirth (and breastfeeding btw), The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, So That's What They're For....watch "The Business of Being Born" and start your journey too.

Maybe it's just the circles I'm in but sometimes it feels like a whole revolution is starting. A revolution of women who are opening their eyes to birth is not an emergency, breast is natural, natural penises are a plan and purpose not an accident, raw whole foods without pesticides, without antibiotics, without GMO's are best....I hope there is an awakening happening. I hope that a revolution starts and we get back to healthiness and happiness. That is what I wish for you my friends. Health and Happiness.

Just for baby wearing sake here is some photos.

SHBC Secure High Back Carry in a Girasol Earthy Rainbow 7

Earthy Rainbow with a 3 (almost 4) year old in it. She LOVES being worn. I am going to tandem wear soon. 

My beloved Malawi Fishes which was sold to Kristin. Always hurts my heart to see my precious things go to new homes.

Earthy Rainbow again. It's my fav lately. 

SHC Simple Hip Carry in a Burgundy Pfau 2.

Girasol Romantique converted by SBP (sold)

Just a pic of two of my lovely children...just because. 

My heart is broken.

How do I know I am truly in my heart a genital integrity advocate? When I find out that the lady who runs Mommycon and is promoting such great attachment parenting ideals cut her baby's penis so he could 'look like his Daddy' and 'be clean'. Oh my heart aches at the ignorance. What's worst is the post she wrote literally has other women de-bunking this very crap she's spouting.

I could only come to my blog with this. I know it may seem silly to be so upset but I was really making connections with people involved and going to work very hard to help them promote and then just BOOOM. I feel like I've been punched.

The first rule of attachment parenting should always ALWAYS be to leave the foreskin attached. He's born that way for a reason. It's a plan, not an accident. Most countries DON'T do RIC (routine infant circumcision) and their babies are fine..also worth noting that they use WAY less erectile dysfunction drugs. An exposed penis gets calloused over time. I don't have the time or the heart to go into all the reasons.

My heart is broken no matter how silly it seems. :'(

Here is a link to her post. She along with some other Mommies run TMD (The Mommy Dialogues). Her name is Xza. (What the fuck kinda name is that anyways and how do you say it?) I recognize her from Mommycon. She was everywhere and the 'one' in charge.

http://themommydialogues.com/to-cut-or-not-to-cut-circumciscion/

Good thing is that there are SOME Mommies on the blog with more sense.


http://themommydialogues.com/circumcision-is-misguided/

This is a story about a woman's regret.
http://themommydialogues.com/the-next-tmd-writer-lakendra-shares-her-story/

Mommy-con

Just coming back from Mommy-con. I am riding such a high. :)) It was so great. Informative and heart felt and friendly and...awesome-sauce! I feel full, rejuvenated, and happy. I feel wiser, more compassionate, and more directed. I feel justified and...full. I can't find words to describe all of them. The morning started with Yoga which I confess I just watched a few minutes of and realized I would be spending most of my time chasing Ezra around so I hit the Leaky B@@b room and nursed Ezra while I chatted. Everyone was nursing..no covers, no judgement, no rules...well, it felt like what it would feel like if everyone did it and no one thought twice about you feeding your kid. I met a nice group of women (can't remember any names!) from Bakersville, CA. They were a big fan of babywearing so we admired each others carriers. I got several compliments on my Kangaroo Care necklace including one from Jessica the Leaky B@@b! :-o I was worried their would be parts that would totally not interest me or be relevant. It was ALL geared toward me (everyone!) to some extent. I just can't say how rejuvenated and inspired I feel. To tell you the truth it's all a blur after that...I was just soaking so much in and meeting so many new people. I went by the nursing room just so I could chat with some other ladies during the lunch break. I used the awesome changing room. I browsed the small amount of vendors. I heard the skin lady talk (gonna check out her products) and Corrine from Pink Peas was so SO inspiring. There was fruit bowls and water available everywhere. It was so friendly and wholesome. I was so relaxed. There were toddlers and noisiness and no one got cantankerous or was asked to shut their kid up. Just a bunch of Moms doing what Moms do.

So many giveaways too! I won a Beco Gemini. I would have preferred to win something else but that's ok. I won't be upset. I went expecting to win nothing.

I want to go again!!!

Even the changing room is cool.

The flamingos at The Flamingo. I am wearing (for the first time) my Gira Earthy Rainbow.

I won the Beco Gemini.

Secure High Back Carry

I made a bracelet to wear!