Walls Don't Make For Close Friends

"The difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist laughs to forget, but a pessimist forgets to laugh." Tom Bodett

I found this quote when I was looking for one about the person in the room laughing the hardest is the one crying inside....I don't know it exactly...couldn't find it. But this one sorta gets my meaning across.

I'd like to mention my disclaimer before I start. The many faces of me and all that jazz...

People think cuz I storm through life trying to get laughs or being the loudest, dressing the loudest, looking like I'm having the most fun doesn't mean I don't deal like everyone else. I just camoflouge better than the next gal. I do lead a blessed life but I have my own burdens to bear...so just know when I make it look easy and I work harder to push you away might be when I need people the most. I'm self-destructive like that. :/

I really think that motivating myself has something to do with my life. I spend A LOT of time telling myself I'm Superwoman and I'm resilient and I don't need ANYONE and I'm gonna be ok NO MATTER what, that I move through life believing it and never letting my guard down to see otherwise. I'm SO independent that sometimes I push potential friends away without meaning too. I have to look like I don't need anybody so much that people start to believe me...

I told one of my friends recently that she seemed "approachable yet untouchable" and maybe I was talking about myself a little. I'm so friendly but so many times when it comes to real intimacy I shy away, push away. But I guess that's cuz I've spent so much of my life taking care of myself and those around me...I've had to trim the fat, lose those people that I couldn't carry cuz I can only carry so much. I had to worry about what I could change and forget about what I couldn't . Life has hardened me. I had to build a wall to protect myself and unfortunately it usual succeeds in alienating me from people more than I intend.

I'm not telling you this so you feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for myself. *chanting my mantra* I'm just trying to delve into my own psyche. Explain something to you and work it out for myself I guess. I AM happy...I just regret that lack of intimate friends sometimes. Though I will say that the playgroup I belong to has a great group of women that I love getting to know more and more. :)

Ok, I Hate to Admit it But maybe I'm NOT Superwoman

This Superwoman routine is getting old...another busy day planned around here. 2 Halloween parties, playgroup party AND Girl Scouts. I feel like I'm on a juggling act lately and I'm working extra hard to keep all these balls in the air but somethings gotta give and soon. I'm stressed and I rarely stress. I usually think of myself us a duck letting water roll off me when things happen...well, nothings happened other than I feel tension, stress and it's not good for me. I don't work well under these conditions. I'm best when I'm cool, calm, collected and rolling with the punches. (Hhmmm, wonder how many more idioms I can fit in this blog? ;)

Anyways, I just wanted to unburden myself to you blog. I need to lay a few balls down and get focused...rather than dropping some by accident I would like it to be a decision. I will wait til after Halloween though. Maybe the holiday is why I feel so stressed. But after Halloween there will be Thanksgiving to worry about....gee, another worry. Sigh...

Spend more time picking your baby daddy or live to regret it.

So on a Fb gripe again...so you can stop reading if you want but here goes....

There's this chick...I don't know her but apparently she got pregnant and had a baby with a man she was never married to and no longer is with.

Her status update: AND THE DADDY OF YEAR AWARD GOES TO: (STEVE LEWIS JR!) me:" Hey Steve can you run 2 wal-mart & the baby some milk, he's out" steve: "Hey do you know its my birthday?" Me: "Hey the baby is out of milk, can you please go & get some?" steve: "It's my birthday & I'm about 2 go out of town." WOW!! Where do they do that @? What kinda DAD is that? NOOOO WHAT WAS I THINKING! I didnt make a good choice but-SEE YOU IN COURT!

You know she did this...she made this bad choice. She made this bed and dammit the least she could do is lie in it and shut the fuck up about it.

In her comments she says: Yea you right! And thanks, he is my angel!! Its a shame that I take care of him by myself (me, my fam, and friends) He only has my family and thats enough,but Im just saying....GROW UP and step up to the plate. And if you can give Jasper County all your durn money cause you in and out of jail EVERY WEEK why cant you give your baby some or just go buy for him. We would appreciate it!

Obviously her "angel" is her baby. SO I'm assuming this man didn't suddenly start spending a shit load of time in jail...unless he's had some weird personality flip he's always been this way and if nothing else (I'm assuming they at least had a relationship though) she CHOSE to have unprotected sex with an a-hole and have his baby.

This is her fault. I will not give a shit that she made bad choices. I will not feel sorry for her. Who needs to grow up? Who is airing their grievances on Fb? That's childish. She's just trying to start stuff since I'm sure there is some drama there. And this is the same chick who's always "preaching" in her status every Sunday. Sounds like she needs to turn to her own soul, her own problems...worry about yourself before you throw stones at others.

She is one of the main reasons I hate "organized" religion. FULL of hypocrites..preaching to you one minute and sinning the next. They always think the message is to someone else...too busy pointing the finger and not enough time looking in the mirror and pointing the finger there. I have a whole bunch of "friends" on Fb who do that. I hate hypocrites. I'd rather you say you hate God and actually live by that than say you are this or do that and I see totally different. I am not the final judge. I won't be sitting in judgment of anyone on Judgment Day and I say "Live and let live" mostly but I can't respect someone who I witness not being or doing what they say they believe. If you believe in something strongly enough to proclaim it then you should TRY (and I'm not talking half-ass trying) to show it, live it, be it.

Anyways, back to this chick. Maybe she should have spent more time with her legs closed finding out if this man was a potential father or husband like I did...or well at least I used contraception until I was married to a man I believed to be a great potential husband and father. And he's been a great both.

Sometimes I Don't Play Well With Others...

We have a trip planned for SLC with our playgroup friends tomorrow. I am REALLY excited but I'm a little bit worried. There are certain times of the month when I have a harder time reigning in my tongue and holding my temper or have anything positive to say and we're pretty much at that time now....so I will have to work EXTRA hard to be nice the next couple of days while we are in SLC. I would really hate for the nasty sides of my personality to ruin mine and others good time. I think half the solution to a problem though is recognizing that you have one SO in acknowledging that I will have to put in the extra effort I hope that I can be successful. I'll just have to extra vigilant of myself...

Around these times I feel extra sluggish and mentally slow also....so I know I need to eat right and have plenty of water so as to combat these symptoms as well.

I WILL have a good time and I will play well with others! ;)

Everything I Wanna Say To My Sister And Can't

Soooo..I found out this morning that my sister is smoking...yes that fact alone is bad enough but she's several week pregnant..probably right around the beginning of her second trimester though that doesn't matter. Anyways, I can't tell you how I felt..but I'll try. Livid, furious, disappointed, sad, angry, disgusted, revolted, violent, sick...that's what comes to mind right now. I cried. I went from wanting to jump a plane so I could rush over to slap the shit out of her to crying in the shower. WHY? WHY? She tried so hard to have this baby..she miscarried three times and spent the better part of a year trying to get pregnant. If you could slap the stupid out of someone I'd be willing to try on her right now. But you know if she doesn't give a rats ass about her baby's life and well-being then I can't make her. I can't make her stop being selfish. You know putting your needs before your unborn child makes you a crappy mother period. She's an ADDICT, a fucking addict. I don't care if it is cigarettes. It's an addict who puts their needs before their children. And she's mad that people know...she wants to hide the fact. Fuck, if I was there I'd write it in permanent marker on her fucking forehead. I'm serious. I'm not one to cause drama (alright, no one say a word) but we'd wind up getting the cops called and I'd go to jail if we lived at home right now for smacking around and threatening a pregnant woman. Stupid bitch. You know, it would be easier not to care. If I saw some pregnant woman smoking...yeah, I'd be irritated. I'd wanna slap her but I'd forget in a couple hours...if it was a friend then I could not support but possibly ignore her bad choices but this is my sister..my niece or nephew she's poisoning. I love her, I love this baby ...that's why I care, that's why I'm mad. I tried to call her. It's probably best she didn't answer. I would have probably said some things that would have got me banned from ever seeing this child when it gets here...most likely severely under-weight and premature with health problems if not now then in the future...jut cuz she couldn't control an urge for a cigarette. Shit, if it was legal I'd fight her for the custody of that unborn child right now. You don't deserve to have a kid if you can't fucking control yourself, stupid retarded...

I'm gonna talk to her at some point. She WILL hear what I have to say...she will be angry with me. Shit, I'm angry with her so I don't care. I need some time though. I'm sure she realizes how crappy it is...what's she doing and hopefully she can make a change for the better.

Kittens Come From Holes :)

I try to always be as honest with my children as possible, for example:

Kylie asked me if Santa was real. Apparently there was some talk at school. I told her that Santa could be real if she wanted him to be. She can believe in him if she wants. I think of him more like being the spirit of Christmas..of love, laughter, family, giving, friends...all those lovely things have a mascot, Santa. Of course, we've talked about WHY we have Easter and Christmas. I don't take my children to church on a regular basis (which I regret) but I give them the information that I can. BUT I was honest, that's my point here. I try to be honest with them. Another example:

She asked me where kittens come out of on a cat? She's asked me similar questions about humans but I told her one way was to cut it out and there was another way I would tell her about later. I told her that it hurts alot both ways but when your old enough to decide you want a baby then your old enough to accept that what comes from labor and pain is joyous and wonderful and you accept it. I spent more time talking about how it's BEST if there is a Mom and a Dad and  you are married. That it is POSSIBLE to have a baby and not be married but it's not the best way. And I told her that a Mommy and Daddy make the baby together with God's help. That's about the gist of what was said. BUT when she asked about the cat I told her a hole..lol. Well, it is a hole..in both cases. She accepted my answer readily. We then talked about how some animals have eggs and some have live babies. I didn't think it was inappropriate or wrong and it was enough info to satisfy her. There were no more questions.

Anyways, like I said, honesty. I don't offer up more info than is necessary or prod her to ask more questions. I think every kid is different when you get down to it and though there is a general timeline for things you have to know your kid and be ready to give them appropriate information.

I don't want to ever think I have lied to her. And I don't mean telling her the truth as I see it (or at least if I do acknowledging that it is MY truth) but good honest real info.

I don't know if it's the right time to approach religion with her. I don't want her to be confused. I want her to make her choice about what she believes and to accept others for what they believe and to not feel bad if her choices and belief's change. I don't expect her to be a cookie cutter model of me. I hope and pray that whatever decisions she makes (including religious ones) that I can accept them for good ones..different ones than me perhaps but her own. That's all I ask is that my children make up their own minds and don't let others (including myself) make it up for them. I hope they approach everything scientifically. Willing to listen to all sides equally and keep an open mind before they make decisions. Right now I present my belief's to them ..within reason..but I expect them to question them and me and come to their own conclusions eventually...when the time is right.

I'm a stubborn woman and I'd be lying to you blog if I said differently and I will balk at their decisions if I believe them bad but (other than putting their bodies in harms way) I will TRY to accept them. I will try to still my tongue and be the best Mom I can be.

Been there, done that.

So I figured I'd tell you blog...since I tell you things that I tell no one else and since I realized I'm safe here cuz pretty much no one reads it....or will admit to reading it anyways, I'd tell you that I had a weird random vomit last night. Lovely, huh? It could have been the 10 truffles I gorged on right before that....but it did occur to the hubs and I that I could be pregnant. I'm leaning toward not since we do take precautions...not 100% precautions but pretty good ones. I guess I wanted to tell someone cuz of course it's on my mind. Not like I'm gonna run out and buy a pregnancy test (because I'm fairly sure I'm not)...but just a lingering thought. That bit of wonder that comes when you wonder if your growing someone in there. I lean toward no also because I haven't missed a period and I don't usually get sick til after a missed period. Sometimes I swear me getting sick when pregnant is all in my head. But it is funny that this should come along right when the hubs and I have been having a few discussions about wether we're done or not. I go from one extreme to the other. Sometimes I KNOW I don't need another and other times I see a little boy outfit or read about the tiny football league in the paper and I think....one more time? I guess if it should happen 'accidentally' like this then that would sorta be a relief...I wouldn't have to wonder more. In relation to having kids, Foy and I have discussed the bedroom situation. Our house is plenty big to support another child. We have a plan to have all but like 1 of our bills paid off by April so I'd say we can afford another kid. We are seriously considering a minivan (not that we can't fit 1 (or 3) more kids in my current SUV). We've looked at the new Honda Odyssey, Toyota Sienna, and we've heard Nissan is keeping their minivan in play when they were gonna cancel...and there is the Town and Country to consider too. We are leaning toward a minivan.....another kid or not. I just like the versatility and space....the ONLY drawback would be that we would not be able to pull an RV with it, which we can with my car.

Anyways, as always blog...you are a good listener. As far as a pregnancy, guess we'll wait and see. For the first time in my history of pregnancies or pregnancy "scares"...I don't care one way or the other. I feel....relaxed (probably cuz I mostly think I'm not ;).

For better or for worse...

This was actually two nights ago:

I'm in a foul mood..I started to spend the night writing facebook updates and then deleting them before posting just to get something off my chest..anything but then decided my blog might be the place to receive solace..or at least do some confessing.

I don't consider myself a really jealous person. Not that I'm the person who is cool with everything. I'm kinda in between...or I think I am. It's hard to get a perspective on this when it's you. BUT anyways, tonight when I opened facebook.com it opened to Foy's page...where he was already logged in. I don't check his Fb..I don't stoop that low and I'm not THAT distrustful but it DID open on his page and he had notifications so I checked them out and he had written comments on this girls post at least twice in the last week so I clicked on her. BOOBS...first thing I see, all up in my face. And I checked out her info and she's single so then I'm like ..how does he know her and so I see that she didn't graduate from Lufkin so I asked him about it. He's sitting right there a couple of feet from me watching football ...I had told him he had notifications..I wasn't hiding or being sneaky or anything. Anyways, he said she did go to school with him at some point. And I'm like..well, you know her well enough to spend most of your post on her? And he's like ..well, I felt like commenting on someones stuff. I hardly do anything on there. Well, I'm off on a tirade. I'm like..of all people, the boobalicous girl whose single is the random person's update that you decided to comment on more than once. WHATEVER. It just pissed me off and I let him know it. NO, it didn't turn into a knock-down-drag-out fight...just some snide commenting on my part finished with a question ..to see if he understood why I was upset about it and a statement that I would like it if he perhaps spread his commenting around more..to less boobalicious people, ya know.

That's how MOST of our fights go...especially in the last few years of our marriage. We're pretty stable. I can see the wrong in me. I do apologize to him and fairly often...usually around THAT time of the month, somehow...hhmmm. I say things and am snotty for no reason or stand-offish or I gripe alot and concentrate too much on the negative and not ANY on the positive. I apologize and tell him he rocks. I randomly think about how he rocks through out the day...for example, he pays all the bills. No, I don't just mean that he makes the money (he does) but that he literally pays all the bills. I don't appreciate that enough. Actually I've been known to go off about how I need to do it cuz him doing it makes him worried, pissy, gives him ulcers...yada yada yada. BUT then I realize that's just another way that it makes it SO easy to be me. I don't have to worry about dates, deadlines, amounts...I just DO me. I take the kids places. I make sure I meet their deadlines for book orders, tuition for dance and cheerleading, uniform orders, places to be for G.S., field trips, ordering G.S. uniforms online, what days K wants to take a lunch, what day she needs to take her P.E. shoes, that L has show-n-tell on Fridays, what time is gymnastics, the PTO meeting, the Parent-Teacher conferences, book hotels for our out of town trip, etc etc etc....THESE are my focus. It allows me to worry about them and not about numbers but about flesh and blood little people that will one day be contributing to society hopefully (or that's our goal!). Anyways, I don't thank him enough for taking the burden on himself as well as his job. He is truly fantastic in every way. Him doing his job allows me to do mine. We're a team...there's a balance. He is definitely my other half.

Literally...A Day in the Life

48..(oh, no wait,....just 24) hours in my life:

Tuesday:
7 am alarm
720-825 up to fix breakfast, grab K's school clothes, argue her out of bed, make sure she grabs her backpack, brushes her teeth, fix her hair, get S and L up (change S diaper) and feed them and take K to school after I put all the kids in the car.
835-940 take shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, fix my hair..get L and S dressed (change S diaper), brushed teeth and hair, gather all the library books and movies and put everyone back in the car.
10-11 Story time at the library where I chase S around (while trying to chat with the other story time ladies) while L listens to the books and then help L with her craft before we head back to the car.
11-1 make lunch, eat lunch, change S diaper, try to fit in a show or a moment in my chair to myself...
1-310 park with playgroup where I spend this Tuesday running back and forth to the car because I forgot my knitting pattern, then S's shoes (change her diaper), then L was thirsty, then I was looking for sweaters, etc.
330- pick up K
340-415 hustle everyone in the house, get L's dance clothes on her with her backpack packed with her dance shoes and 'street' clothes, get K's cheerleading shoes and practice clothes on her, get S a snack (change her diaper) and fill up her water cup (again), grab water bottles and snacks for everyone and throw them all back in the car ...oh, and grab my knitting
430-510 L's dance class where K plays the Nintendo DS, I watch S run around and do some knitting while chatting with whoever
530-7 K's cheerleading class (an hour and a half!) where I chase S around (spank her finally to get my point across), feed her some more snacks (change her diaper), knit some more and Fb on my phone.
7 call in and pick up pasta or pizza at Pizza Hut
730 Home to eat pizza, bath the kids, feed them some dessert because they were good for me and..
830 all kids in bed....AAAAHHHHHHH...
830-11 A MOMENT OF PEACE. I CAN WATCH SOME OF MY DVR'D SHOWS, KNIT, READ THE BOOK SERIES I'M WORKING ON, ORDER G.S. UNIFORMS, VISIT WITH MY HUBBY, TAKE A SHOWER..and to bed to do it all over again at 7 am in the morning.

Oh, I'm too tired to tell you about the next 24 hours, lol. Seriously, that's just a 24 hour period in my busy life. I LOVE IT!! That IS my busiest day though but I wouldn't change a thing. We're happy, healthy and mostly just jubilant about being here. Well, I know I am...

Life Ain't A Crap Shoot

So we had a PTO meeting tonight and this guy that's in charge of the games ...rubs me the wrong way. I don't think I like him at all. The prizes last year (cuz that's the only year I've been there) were  all equally...small, pitiful and childish, lol. BUT they were equal. He has this idea to play this game (something about rolling a dice) and if you win you get a bigger prize than just the 'consolation' prize. I said I thought all the prizes should be equal and he said he had a problem with that because that's not what life is like. I stopped there because I didn't want to argue with the man BUT...

what I wanted to say was.... Yes, life is about hard work. With hard work you get rewarded hopefully.  Yes we don't all get the same things in life. We don't all get BIG prizes but most of what we get is related to how hard we work for what we got. What he's talking about is a game of chance..gambling. Yes, in gambling ..luck matters. It's random and has nothing to do with working hard to achieve a goal. So, I want to teach my children that we don't all get the same 'prize' in life BUT they can work harder to achieve more with hard work, dedication and the right moral values and principles. I'm not going to teach them to depend on a roll of dice and a game of chance and a reward that might come that way because that's few and far between SO if he had been talking about a game that my kids could work harder at, practice more and win that way then I'd say..whatever, reward the winners but we're talking about gambling. I won't teach my kids that life's a crap shoot...sometimes you hit the BIG prize and sometimes we're stuck with the consolation cuz that's just not true. Yeah, sometimes you work hard and it doesn't pay off but most of the time it does.

My husband works hard for our money. He doesn't sit around and roll a dice and wait for money to come our way. I get off my butt and wash clothes, clean house, cook meals and take my kids to every freakin' thing in the world...I don't sit around and scratch lottery tickets. Hey, it would be great if it worked that way though! Which brings me to another point, this guy looks like a big LOSER. What exactly does he do that he can make every PTO meeting....probably nothing. Good example...