Pics of me Babywearing (more to come)

More Organic Living, SLC, Squishy Fluff Baby

I'm also recently obsessed with essential oils, natural cleaners and making my own detergents. I made some cloth diaper detergent but I'm not sold on it. Time will tell. I want to start using it on all our clothes as well.

I think my hair has detoxed almost a week and I'm dyyyyying. It's so oily. I have 'washed' it with water and combed it but it's a real drag to say the least. I'm gonna keep on keeping on though. I'm gonna treat it like breastfeeding. At first it's gonna suck but then it's gonna be so much better and easier. Hopefully it will start to even out soon OR I'm not gonna be able to handle it anymore and the baking soda/apple cider vinegar is going on it. Once I get my hair figured out then the kids are gonna start it. I don't wash their hair much anyways but no more shampoo/conditioner for them.

I'm excited for Salt Lake next week. We have so much stuff planned. It's keeping my mind off Ezra's appt. I'm actually anxious for that as well because this waiting is the worst part. I need to 'work' to feel like I'm doing something to help or else move past it.

I really like my new friend a lot. She posted a pic of her son holding Sophie (the giraffe) and I said I wanted to get one soon for Ezra. It had been on my list of things I wanted but kept getting pushed back as not a NECESSITY. She said no, no, no that Anderson had 3 of them and I should just take one of his. SINCE (as well all know) I have issues accepting things from people I am going to accept it graciously (she will have no idea how hard that is for me, haha) BUT I have already found a way to 'pay' her back. I knew she wanted to get him an amber necklace so I've picked out one that one of my WAHM online friends is making and I'll give her that. I hope she likes it.

I like to buy things for people and have a hard time accepting things. I won't apologize or feel bad...that's just me. I especially like children and love to buy for them. I love how honest they are.

I am going to sprinkle this post with babies and fluff and fluffy babies, well baby.

Ninja Vanish (3 lil Birds in the City cover, he has a prefold trifolded inside)

 Kawaii Baby

 ANIMAL (he has socks to match this that don't fit him yet)

 Biohazad alert!

front of animal

This last pic was just yesterday. I do love my sugar man baby. 

You've just been eye balling his head, right? I know. It doesn't look too off or at least I don't think so and at least not yet. Try not to stare too much at his head and just notice the all over cuteness. He's fluffy and sweet. <3

Teaching the Kids about Green

We went to the park the other day and Kylie met a new friend. No surprise there. She is by far the friendliest of us all. She brought the girl over to meet her brother and then started expounding on the benefits of cloth diapers. A couple of my friends were in ear shot and started laughing. I'm raisin' her up right. :) She is a big advocate of recycling and reusing. She is concerned for the earth and I support and encourage that. I would love to do more encourage her and my new interest in living more simply, more organic. I would LOVE to move to Foy's parents land soon so we can build our house but most of all because of all the land and space. I want a chicken coop so bad I can taste it, lol. I want fresh eggs and I want to learn how to kill and cut up a chicken for dinner. I want to raise a few cows so I can eat my own meat..that I know what they've eaten and how they've been treated. I want Kylie to be in 4-H so we can foster her love of animals even more and she can raise any animal she would like. I have promised her a pet on her next birthday....a pet of some kind that is. She has went between fish and a rodent. She is a good girl and I think she deserves it. Maybe we'll surprise the kids on this vaca and get them a pet before we come home...that's an idea. I'm a big fan of not just doing special things on special days but sprinkling your life generously with days like this. Life is short.

I have gone completely crunchy. I don't even recognize myself. I have gone no 'poo. Not loving it yet but they assure me I will. I am buying aluminum free deodorant and looking for organic soaps. I am trying to cook healthier and buy organic fruits and veggies. It's an ongoing process. I have also started getting rid of all plastic in the house. Especially old plastic that may contain BPA. Foy thinks I'm fairly nuts but that's not anything new.

Craniosynostosis

I should have took off for the East coast this summer. No, I shouldn't have because then when I noticed Ezra's head ridge I wouldn't have been close to his doc.

I guess I should just acknowledge that all my angst lately, my obsessive eating, my lack of energy...are all related to his appt with the neurosurgeon. The fact that your kid has a "mild head deformity" that could become worse and lead to neurological problems can be a bit of a bummer. The fact that he may have to have cranial vault reconstruction which is a confusing way of putting skull surgery that has to have a neurosurgeon and craniofacial surgeon in attendance.....well, that's just....depressing. Worrisome. Gut wrenching. Mind blowing. Unfathomable. Nightmarish. We have the appt with the neurosurgeon on the 26th. He will order a Cat Scan to confirm the diagnosis. I hope..I pray..I plead...I beg...that it shows something not so severe or better, nothing at all (though with his head ridge I don't know how it could be nothing). I can't allow myself to hang out in the place where the diagnosis is confirmed and we move on to serious head surgery on MY BABY. Despite not wanting to be there, I had to for his sake..I had to research it. I have to know. So I did. BTW, what he has is called Scaphocephaly. It is a form of craniosynostosis. I don't have the energy to explain this to you or even give you links. I don't even have the energy to explain how we arrived at the fact that we want to see a neurosurgeon about it. I CAN tell you that I spend too much time looking at other baby's heads trying to figure out how 'off' my baby's head is. I can tell you that there isn't an hour that goes by since we decided we needed to pursue this that my mind doesn't arrive back at this or linger on it somehow. I can tell you I haven't cried. What I have done is spend too much time with these knots inside of me..with this pent up anxiety that is making me lash out at my husband and children unfairly. I can tell you I feel like a combustable bomb right now...that could blow at any time.

I was obsessively researching for a LONG time and now I feel like I've reached some...point of calm. I feel like I know enough that should that diagnosis be confirmed I will have a grasp on what is coming next and what we do next. We find a neurosurgeon to operate. I want the BEST. I am debating a guy in San Antonio that pioneered doing this surgery lapriscopically ..if that's an option still. Ezra might be too old. I'm also debating Dr. Fearon at Texas Children's Hospital. He is touted as the best. I know that I still don't have to vax him and I know that I have to make sure they don't retract his foreskin when they put a catheter in him...you can get one in without retraction. I know that I can't take my cloth diapers because they will use disposables so they can weigh them after the catheter comes out. I know that his face will swell and so will his head and brain. I know he will have tubes coming out of everywhere and taped to him. I know he won't be able to open his eyes for approximately four days...even though he'll be awake some because of the severe swelling. I know there is a high likelihood that he will have to have repeated surgeries. I know what adults living without surgery look like and feel like. I know what the likely consequences are should we choose to not do the surgery.

I know all this stuff...but ask me if it feels real. It feels fake. I feel fake. I feel like someone else. This is happening to someone else. I feel cold and hot and empty and full. I feel scared. I'm so scared I can't even say it. I'm so scared I can't even think it. I'm so scared I can't tell anyone. I'm afraid. I'm afraid it's real.

I have reached this place where I can't research anymore til we have a diagnosis. I want to hold my baby and love him. If love could cure him....if my kisses could make him better then he would be. I want to pretend this isn't happening and hang out with my kids and go on vacation and be the happy go lucky family that we won't' be should this diagnosis become a real thing. We need this. I need this. I need normal so if after the Cat Scan normal isn't there anymore then I know I made the best of 'normal' before my life, my husband life, my children's life, MY SON'S life was turned upside down.

I feel like....I feel minimal. I feel like I have no feelings or time to give to anyone or anything that doesn't matter. My family matters. The rest is useless fat. It's....distractions. I feel like nothing matters...other than the people I love. I feel basic and primal. I feel like I've been pushed down to what my core is.

I feel like nothing matters but happiness. The happiness of my children and myself and my husband. For now.

Biohazard Alert!

Our other new diaper...they both (see two posts ago) came yesterday and I got them prepped. BIOHAZARD alert. And this is so fitting as soon as  I got it on him he pooped within like 20 mins. That's my boy! :)

This is a Kim's Cloth diaper. She makes the nicest. They have adjustable leg elastic and are minky inside and out with a hidden layer of PUL. Niiiiiiice. I so want this wrapped about my butt. It's like giving your butt a hug. <--I would make that my slogan....seriously. 

Test Your Amber

I read of several ways to make sure your amber is real. This is the least invasive way that I read. You can test amber that is not in a heavy setting of some sort. I tested Ezra's amber necklace making sure to put the clasp (it has plastic in it) on the outside of the cup. Amber will float in salt water and sink in fresh water. Here is is SUNK. :)

And here it is floating in a glass of salt water. 8 oz of water with 2 tablespoons of salt. 

I'm thinking of getting hazel wood for the girls and I. I think that would be beneficial. 

The Fluff Wagon (I'm on it!)

This is one of our new diapers. It's sized. I hardly ever buy sized diapers. This is a medium. I am loving how very trim it is on him though! And he's so stinkin' cute! I love these Baby Legs too that I bought from a FSOT. It's one of a few pairs that we have. This diaper is courtesy of The Fluff Wagon on HC.

Baby Wearing

It's late and I should be doing like a million other things while the baby is sleeping....like showering. I'm in desperate need but I felt I should update from my last post. The chick who emails me back like once a month, lol...well, come to find out it's because she has a hard time navigating cafemom from her phone but we are now FB friends and I lubbers her. :) She is a fairly natural Mama who is close in age to me (though with 3 less children, haha) and her boy is only a month younger than Ezra. We have met at the park several times and I even let her borrow my ring sling so try. I now have an Ergo, Moby (I should have went with a woven wrap like people suggested. Why am I so stubborn?), Maya Wrap (ring sling) and a mei tai. Just got the mei tai in the mail today and I do love it.

Ain't it purty?

I wish I could back carry Ezra in it but I think I'm suppose to wait. I'm still excited about it. It's soft minky inside. I heart minky. And I love the pink argyle print. I don't care if I am carrying a boy in a super girl print. It fits me. He won't care. 

Life is good right now. I am learning, living and enjoying myself.............and it probably helps that my house is actually clean right now, haha. It feels good. :D

Vacation in 10 days. We're gonna have a blast. 

Ok, off to shower. I need to go sleep with my little man baby. 

Maybe I will find time to write another blog tomorrow.