Fingernail Polish

Sophie painted her own nails........AND my sofa by extension. lol. I didn't even have the heart to be mad at her. She was SO proud. She came downstairs and said, "LOOK, MOMMY! I painted my nails ALL BY MYSELF!!". When I started moaning and saying "Oh, God...Oh, God...don't touch anything"she couldn't figure out why I wasn't as pleased as her, haha. It's not too much on the cushion. And hey, I can just flip the cushion over when people are coming over, right? ;) Oh, God this blogging is not helping. I'm suppose to be packing and washing clothes. I am...RIGHT NOW.

YOU IS KIND.

YOU IS SMART.

YOU IS IMPORTANT.

Positive affirmations to tell my children AND I WON'T BE SORRY I DO IT. It's ok.

Maybe I'm not the only one who thinks positive affirmations are important.

Circumcision and some decisions so far...

It feels good to have some decisions out of the way and since I use my blog as a more personal space (where I can be angry and hurt and honest and outspoken and REAL) than FB then it feels appropriate to post some decisions here...plus this is a place where I can write and expect people not to have input..usually. After doing some research I have decided.......that I am ok with the antibiotic ointment in the baby's eyes AS LONG AS IT'S NOT SILVER NITRATE and I'm ok with the Vit K shot (though I would like to know if the oral is available...just so I can decide between the two) BUT we're opting out of the Hep B newborn shot right after birth. We might be opting out altogether (I'll decide later) but we're definitely delaying that little bugger. OH and we're not circumcising (that was such an easy decision and so easy with the hubs ...I am thankful). I'm glad that he's leaving this part all to me and doesn't make me explain every little decision to him. In retrospect, I guess he SHOULD have more concern about some crucial things but honestly it just makes my life easier when he doesn't oppose me, lol. And his life too. ;)

I can't remember if I wrote a blog on circumcision and since I don't feel like checking then here I will list the reason why I will LEAVE INTACT...in order of importance:

1. I don't believe my baby will arrive needing cosmetic changes. Period. Whether you believe God made him or he's a product of genetic mutations over time..blah blah blah...the foreskin is there and will stay there.

2. It can be removed later (on so MANY levels..partials and different types of removals..I mean really the options are endless for what you can leave or take) but cannot be replaced (though to be fair there are men who try to basically reshape them a foreskin (OH I HAVE READ ABOUT THEM SO BELIEVE) but it's really never the same). To make that sentence less confusing, It can be removed later but not replaced later. And it can be fairly painless and there are multiple options and levels of removal if he decides he wants it and decides what and how he wants it. His penis, his choice.

3. I believe (this is only my belief on reading some material) that his foreskin will enhance his sexual relations and perhaps his partners as well. That's enough said on that subject since the idea of my baby boy having sexual relations is creeeeeepy.

There aren't good enough reasons TO remove it:
1. It's unclean. From what I've read it's like any other body part or person...he will have to be taught to clean it appropriately and it shouldn't be a problem. Most country's DON'T circumcise their babies.

2. It looks WEIRD. HAHA. I find this the funniest. I admit it is different. I have googled a ton of penis' so I know. ;) But I think beauty is in the eye of the beholder. ;) Hopefully that many people will not be looking at my baby's penis and for those lucky ladies that do they better think it's beautiful...or better yet they shouldn't judge my baby on his penis. I'm sure he's gonna have many other fantastic features to worry about. Bottom line: It isn't ugly and if you think it is...don't look at it.

3. "Because his Daddy is". STUPID. His Daddy has black hair but if my baby should be born a blonde I will not dye his hair upon entry so he can look like his Daddy. WTF? I have big giant boobs and I don't want my girls to be burdened by anything like that. Our children weren't meant to be carbon copies of us and that is just the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Doing anything only because someone else did it is just not justifiable. Period. His Daddy smokes but I certainly hope my baby never does. That is the worst reason of them all.

4. So he won't be different. Statistically, not circumcising is on the rise. He will probably be in good company with 50% (if not higher) of other boys...plus this goes up there with "because his Daddy is". Who cares what other people do? And if he doesn't like it, he can be circumcised. That's an option I'm leaving for him.


With ALL the stuff I read these are the reasons I chose not to circumcise. I thought some of the reasons were stupid....like he'll hate me forever if I circumcise him...I don't think so. Or that he'll remember the pain for the rest of his life...no, I don't think that either. Or comparing girl circumcision to boy circ...I see the logic but I don't follow that train all the way there. I think it's a tad bit painful looking but not like it's abuse or horrific. I think people that choose to do it are fine. Different strokes for different folks. I just hope they are making an informed choice and then if that's their decision..well and good.

Now that I'm a Mom..

I see the bigger picture.

I worry more about my impact on the planet.

I get to buy all the toys I want...and I have an excuse. It's for the kids...not MEEE. ;)

I see danger EVERYWHERE and it scares me that I can't always protect them from everything.

I love a minivan and think they are totally cool. :)

I know what unconditional love truly means.

I see fun in small things.

I feel a little bit bad for MY Mother.

my family history is suddenly even more important. I want to pass the good parts of my heritage on to my children.

to be continued....one of said children needs my attention.

Positivity will prevail!

The last few days I've had A LOT of posts in my mind....poor poor pitiful me post for the most part. ;) I'm sorta glad right now that I didn't post them. I feel like I can be more objective right now because I'm feeling pretty positive overall at the moment. Most of the posts I had in mind were the trials I've been going through in just the last month (or 6 weeks) my brother has been diagnosed with a serious disease (I am very close to my brother for those who don't know....I might be closer to him than my other siblings), due to this illness and my fucktard of a father I have denounced my father and told him he is as good as dead to me (to explain this complicated issue would require a whole blog post or two by itself), lost most of my friends and been pushed to the brink of insanity by my Mother. To explain my Mother would require more time than I have...to try and give you the short story, she is insisting we can't stay with her because her house is filthy (it's my mother, I believe her) and since I don't especially LOVE staying at my in-laws that has stressed me out and left me in a bit of a bad position and she just keeps rolling in with more bad news. Now we can't eat Christmas dinner at my Grandmothers because she's going to my Aunts...we CAN go to my Aunts but we must bring food (according to my Mother) and no store bought or canned food either. And according to my Mother SHE can't cook so I need to find some time in the two days before Christmas on my vaca and make food. I'm slightly flattered but mostly just annoyed and stressed as fuck. AND I know my Mother is under a lot of stress but she calls me every second when my brothers blood sugar drops or gets too high or anything and because I fucking care (and I know she knows I care and she needs to share with someone who does) I answer and I talk to her and I worry and I stress even more. It's gotten to the point that I can't answer the phone anymore. Foy has threatened to "talk" to her but that's all I need....to alienate even more people in my life than I already have. I can't lose anyone else right now. I can't take that. So I will just DEAL. I've been a real wreck around here...well, as much as I can be a wreck. Of course the kids have no idea because I don't burden them. Foy has had to endure some breakdowns on my part and some unfair lashing out on my part about things that are stupid just because I'm stressed BUT...as I was saying...

This too shall pass. I will say that I again vow to NEVER go home for Christmas again. I will be glad when Christmas is over...I'm ready to start preparing for the baby and I feel like we're kinda in a holding pattern for that until after Christmas. We're waiting on bunk beds to be delivered for one. It looks like it will be after Christmas. Also MONEY. Christmas and traveling for Christmas is sucking us dry. I already have some cloth diapers and clothes for him. A few I bought and a huge bag that a woman whose husband works with Foy gave us. They are super nice and I'm glad I didn't go with my first instinct and decline them.

I'm ready for Summer, haha. I know it's early in Winter to be wanting Summer but I'm so much better in the Summer. I like to travel and I like to be out and I like the warm sun and Summer breezes and swimming pools. I'm so glad this baby is coming in the Spring so I can enjoy Summer with the fam. :)

I guess by being optimistic I'm avoiding some deeper issues that are bothering me. I'm going to have to let go about the stress of my brothers illness. I can't change anything and I can't make my Mother a better person. I can't make her deal with his illness better. She doesn't mean to but she comes off sounding like she blames lots of things on his illness. It's just another crutch for her. Why she can't clean her house or why she can't do this...blah blah blah. And my Dad doesn't upset me as much as you think. I barely talk to him twice a year anyways and only when I initiate contact. I don't even see him every year. He's always been a shitbag so no new news there. He maybe just astounded me with the deep level of his shitbagness. Losing my friends hurts the most not just for myself but how my decision affected my children who are just innocent victims. I did already start trying to gently persuade them to "let's do something fun in Salt Lake for your birthday with just the family" cuz I doubt anyone would show up at their party. I would rather not have one than disappoint them. They aren't biting so far but I have a month or so to work on it. I guess I don't mind the friend loss as much as I do for them because like dating...there are other fish in the sea. I have friends I haven't lost as well as a few acquaintances that I could be closer with and I'm good at making friends...just not keeping them. (partially true sad joke, lol) Plus I get stronger when faced with adversity...even adversity of my own making. I'm not prone to regrets or dwelling in the past but trying to learn from my mistakes and push forward. Some alone time might do me good. My house might be cleaner. HA. I will cook more, right? Hahaha. Ok, maybe I'll exercise ...hehe. I'll work on some hobbies or re-organize my house or be a better Mother aka make lunches every day and....iron their clothes. Lmao. I don't know but not having friends should clear up lots of time and give me time for much needed self-improvement. I could start a new book series or find more activities to keep Sophie and me busy like story time...where I can also get to know acquaintances better. Either way, I wasn't made for moping about what I don't have or about what I've lost. I have a lot. I have a lot to be thankful for and I have an amazing life that can only get better if that's what I want. Hey, I could use my non-friend time to take college classes...well, we better wait til after baby. There is no end to what I can do....with or without friends. (P.S. I am the QUEEN of pep talking myself.)

I'm taking a breast feeding class. My first appt is next Monday and I'm kind of excited about it...and the fact that Sophie is welcome. She's so good. I've taken her to all my appt (Foys been there also so far) and she was so quiet at my u/s appt that she scared the doc about halfway through the appt by speaking up from the corner where he hadn't even spotted her. He couldn't believe how quiet she was. She was playing with the iPad so anyways, I have no worries about taking her to my breastfeeding appts though I will continue as much as possible to make my ob appts for when Foy is off. I don't mind if she's there for the regular appt but I'd rather not have her there for any...um, exams..if you know what I mean.

Still getting ready for Christmas....and still stressed about that but it'll be over soon and I can't wait. Usually I love Christmas but my Mom is ruining it for me this year. After that, baby preparedness (and deciding a freaking name for the youngster!) and my birthday (blah!) and then the kids birthdays then BABY. Yay...then the Summer and by that time Christmas will be well over with and my friend situation will be better or at least a distant memory that pains me no more and it'll be time for outdoor fun and trips and parks and sunshine..I leave you with a song that inspires me.

"... with each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence the world can all be mine
They'll have to agree I have confidence in me

I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me

Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
When you wake up -- Wake Up!"

I Have Confidence, The Sound of Music

WHY I AM WHAT I AM...PART 2.

To add the last blog, I guess I never realized how poor we were because we never had people over to judge our house. I never saw that LOOK on their face when they realized we used 'rags' to bath with and there were parts of the house that were uninhabitable and doors that were pieces of plywood on hinges...literally. And that's the door we had. Only one bedroom had an actual door...and the bathroom. We used curtains for privacy.

I try not to say these things...or write them...or think about them cuz it feels like I'm betraying my family. Our code..by doing so. It feels like people will pity me even though that was many years ago and that house has been FINALLY renovated and is much more inhabitable now.

I'm only telling you so maybe someone can understand my weird relationship with money. My pride..in my children and my husband and on what we afford to give them or do for them. Some things that you take for granted I never will. I can't. I don't mean to shove it in someone's face who can't afford the same things but I certainly won't be any less proud that I can do these things for my kids. Maybe I'm wrong for that...

And for every bit that I spend on my relationship with material things I spend as much time or more working on the character of my children. I try to raise them the best I can. I want them to have everything I didn't. I want them to be everything I wasn't. I want them to be happy. And I think I've did a good job that while providing them with every possible luxury that I can...they are giving children. They are sharers and they are sweet and they aren't mean or ugly on the inside. They have empathy. I won't work to kill the good things in them like my Mother seem to do with me. I will nourish those things. I will nourish the whimsical, imaginative parts of them and encourage them in every way I can and for every time my Mother berated me for being stupid I win a little of that back when I lift my kids up for being wonderful. To be her means I lost. And I'm a sore loser. I won't be her. I am not her. And it's ridiculous how much I have to tell myself that to make myself believe it. I will lift them up instead of tearing them down. I will tell them there is nothing they can't achieve or do and I will work with everything in me to make that happen. We will build the normal life. My whole life I wanted to be some semblance of 'normal' and I fought hard to make that happen. I don't mean normal like I'm not a little bit crazy and I don't talk too much or spill too many secrets or act silly in public or voice ideas that aren't popular. I mean...have a car, and a house that isn't falling apart and a bedroom for my kids and toys and family vacations and friends over and kids that don't have to live in fear of their Mother losing control of her anger or a fight breaking out between their parents. I won't to teach my kids to not tiptoe around me but to stomp through and not be scared. I don't want them to be scared. There were times I was scared. I think you can become immune to fear. You stop being scared and start fighting back even if fighting back just means that little voice inside you that yells, "I'm NOT!" when she says your stupid. That might be the only way a 7 year old can fight a grownup but I did. I had to.

You know to add to that...thank God for good teachers. Because of them, because of their faith and their ability to praise me...that helped so much. There are a few that I would not have made it without.

WHY I AM THE WAY I AM

To add to the second blog, (not that I want your empathy here but I'm trying to make you understand the significance) his life expectancy has also automatically reduced...by some say as many as 10 years and that's WITHOUT complications which are many and have a high probability of occurring. I'm devastated is what I'm trying to say. I'm devastated.

What I intended to write this blog about....before I got sidetracked with the last blog is WHY I AM THE WAY I AM. Geez, that's a big title, right? That's a whole lotta s'plainin'. (I'm channeling Ricky Ricardo..and I'm avoiding with humor. I'm so good at that.)

You ever seen those movies with the poor people who are so prideful that they can't take handouts from ANYBODY? And the refuse to acknowledge they are poor like...they don't know it so they give to people who are poorer than them? It feels like when I think about my life I'm describing one of those movies. As a child, I was never allowed to take even the smallest handout from another adult or child. If I came home with a toy that a friend gave me then I was sent back the next day with THAT toy to return to her and ANOTHER toy as well that was larger, showier and more expensive. It was statement. We had to make statement. We weren't poor. Admitting we were poor was like....putting your tail between your legs and giving up. I promise you haven't seen people who were more prideful. We didn't...couldn't think of ourselves as poor. It's taken me YEARS to even realize we were! Since we couldn't afford a nice house or nice things for our house then to keep up the outward appearance every thing that people saw had to look and be nice. So our house was horrible but when it came to prom we had to shop at the nicest place in town for my dress...it had to compare with the other girls. We couldn't have people thinking we were poor. We never ate out because we couldn't afford it. I mean...EVER. We ate at home because we could do that in our falling down house and the world wouldn't see what we couldn't afford. We didn't take family vacations. EVER. Once my Mother and Father went to Branson, Missouri...that's the farthest they ever traveled and the only vaca I ever remember them taking and it was JUST them. That's why eating out is such a treat for me (literally) and taking my kids on vacations is such a point of PRIDE. Our car, our clothes..the things people saw had to be nice but we had  to work so hard and spend so much on those looking nice that it left less money to even hardly maintain close to normal in other aspects of our life.

I never realized how much all of this directly effects my feelings on SO many things. I never had my own room. I slept on the couch til I was 16. It's very VERY important to me that my kids have their own rooms. The fact that the new baby means someone shares a room hurts me. I will fix this soon. I never had a space for toys so I was only allowed a few small ones that didn't take up much space. I buy my kids lots of toys (well, according to my standards but not as much to some) and I allow them to be as large as possible. I encourage imaginative play because my Mom laughed at me when she overheard my imaginative play and I was such a sensitive child that I was forever hurt by it and never felt comfortable playing near or in front of her. She certainly never joined me. My Grandmother cooked REAL food for the family because that was ONE thing that we could do well. We could provide excellent food because cooking was cheaper than going out. She is 90 so she was older and she had thoughts about breakfast..like it shouldn't be cereal and milk. It should be healthy, filling and send you on your way for a great day of school. She would stand in front of the gas heater (the only heat we had in the house was in the living room...well, there was a space heater in the bathroom) and warm my jacket for me every morning in the winter so I wouldn't get cold. That woman is a saint. If we needed help we never went outside of the family. That was blasphemy. To let other people even suspect we were in dire straights was against everything we believed. We had to put on the front. They had to see we didn't need them. We didn't need their things or their pity or their help. We would be self-reliant. If we needed something we asked the family. The family is the only ones that were 'let inside'...inside the house, inside the secret..inside.

The person I am today. My fierce self-reliance, my inability to ask for or accept help from people...my snootinesss about money. It was all formed in early childhood. I don't say these things because I want your pity. Oh God NO, please don't give me that. I hate pity. I only say it so people who think I'm harsh or judgmental or mean or I care too much about THINGS....well, I don't know if you can understand unless you've been there. I love giving extravagant gifts....because if your truly poor then you can't give, can you? But we weren't poor so we gave extravagant gifts to convince others (and hell, ourselves) that we weren't. I mean so many aspects that people hate about me can be explained.

Do I realize how illogical this all is? How it doesn't make sense and I'm not poor anymore? Of course I do....but that's just my head talking. I am trying to change. I have made great strides. I can accept gifts from people...yaaay, lol. I can occasionally, though rarely, ask for help. I have accepted some used clothes for the baby boy coming. I have, I have...and they are cute. And I'm happy I did. Do I have pride still? Yes. Fierce pride. Is it insane and illogical and stupid and does it lose me friends and am I a harsh person? Yes, to all of the above. You can't live in the dark and fight it and win by becoming part of the problem instead of the solution. This blog is just talking about the THINGS...not even the people. My family lived in fear of "the law". We took care of our own...usually by ignoring it. I lived in domestic violence most of my life. Those people, those things, that way of life...you adapt or you become. You change or you become them...you become what you hate or you fight to be something different. I didn't get where I am today by bitching. I tried that btw. I went to the counselor at school and showed her the huge ball of hair that my Mom had pulled out of my head and I told her the stories of abuse..how she abused me and my Father. You know what it got me...nothing. In trouble for going to an outside the family person with our problems.  She told me Mother and there was a brief time when my life didn't suck....and then it started all over again and I didn't have the heart to tell anyone. So yeah...bitching doesn't help btw. Won't change it. Your life suddenly won't be better...in fact, it may be worse or because you dwell there..bitching in that dark place then that dark thing might just catch you and you might end up becoming a part of the dark instead of the light fighting the dark. I fight with the parts of me that want to be my Mother every day. EVERY GODDAMN DAY. I don't lose my temper, that's A WIN. I don't throw things at my husband, hit him and my children in anger, manipulate the people I love with THINGS...if I have friends, that's one point against my Mother since she raised me not to have friends (I promise you can raise your kids that way). Every time I make a decision or do something and I think she wouldn't like it, I won.

I'm harsh because I was raised that way. I was raised in the harsh light. I made a choice. I took one giant leap out the first day of college and I never looked back. I won't go back to that. I won't live in darkness. I won't let anyone take me there. Not you, not her, not my husband...I fought HARD to get here. I made positive choices. I said..even if I live under a freeway somewhere I will live without her. Luckily that didn't happen...I'm too smart for that. I'm too determined. Despite what she told me my whole life, I'm worth more than that. I love myself more than that. When I felt like nobody loved me or saw me, I took comfort in knowing that I was MORE. They may not can see more but it's there. She never cursed me but she called me stupid and other names. She picked on every little thing I ever did wrong and never praised anything I did right. It was never good enough for her. She was verbally abusive as well as physically.

I read A LOT. It was my escape. The only way I could be someone else. I could not be me. I literally read 75% of my free time or more. You could ask the kids I went to school with...they'd tell you. When I was in Elementary there were these 3 girls..very popular, very mean...and because I couldn't be bullied (they were no match to me after having stood up to my Mother..they were elementary) they picked on me worse. I stood out. I had long, scraggly hair. No makeup. No hair colored. No fancy in style clothes (new clothes but pentecostals were definitely not in style). No nice house. I never could have friends over. No boyfriends of course. Who wanted me? They made fun of me A LOT. I was severely picked on and sometimes I would think I had found a friend.....just to have them be embarrassed by me and turn on me too. I once had this "nice" girl turn on me and yell, "Just stop following me and leave me alone!" because she was getting picked on for giving a shit about me. I was lonely. That's another reason I turned to books. When nobody is playing with you on the playground then it can by detrimental to your psyche to watch so I read books. I traveled far away places from those kids.

I will judge people for bitching about stuff because I hate it..but I will not judge people for being different than me. I cannot. I will not. I'm a strong person because you can't come through that whole and not be. Who says I'm whole? Anyways, I don't like weak people. Boo fucking whooo. Are there people who have endured worse than me? You bet your ass. There has to be. Is everyone's story different? Do we all have hangups about weird things because of our upbringing? Probably.

I've spent time trying to convince myself that my upbringing was some sort of normal. That it was just a different brand of normal. We all blame our Mother's right? Is it Freud that says it's all our Mother's fault? Anyways, I'm not saying this as an excuse. I'm trying to explain. Maybe even some to just myself. These were some new ideas and thoughts that came to me this morning from delving into WHY I AM THE WAY I AM...and this is what I come up with. Thanks for taking the journey with me.

Juvenile Diabetes and my Family

I never spent a lot of time thinking about this disease. It never affected me before. I knew one person who had it. Now I think about it a lot and I've spent tons of time researching it and still feel like I don't know enough.

My brother was diagnosed with Type 1 Juvenile Diabetes. His whole life changed. My Mom's whole life changed. He has to eat at exact times every day and have his insulin shots at exact times and check his blood sugar at exact times. He gets shaky if his snack or lunch is late. He eats 3 times a day and has snacks twice a day. He has a range of carbs that have to be ingested at every meal. Everything has to be read. Every label. If he goes out to eat he has to have the nutrition information for whatever he eats. One of the times he checks his blood sugar is 2 am...so my Mom wakes up and checks his sugar at 2 am every night. She worries CONSTANTLY. It was their first full day home from the hospital yesterday. He spent several days at Texas Children's Hospital getting regulated and taking classes and trying to get familiar with this disease's do and don'ts that now rule his life. He can't shower an hour after he takes his insulin and eats because that will hinder the medicines effectiveness. The medicine is hard to give. It has to BE EXACT. It's a mixture of two kinds. If they don't properly mix it then the whole syringe full gets dumped and they start over. You have to be super meticulous. He has to shoot in a fatty part of his body...his stomach or his thighs. He can give his own shots but Mom mixes his medicine because she's still very paranoid about it. The medicine, syringes, test strips, alcohol swabs...it's all expensive and he CAN'T run out. He'll probably die...or at least go into a coma if he does.

My Mom said she got in the shower yesterday and was in the bathroom for a few minutes and kept going to check on him or yelling to ask if he was ok. She's completely paranoid that he's gonna go into a coma or have shakes or pass out or ...whatever..and she's not gonna know it. She never would have done that before. She told me on the phone and I started crying. I wish I was there. I wish I could help her. It's so much and she doesn't have anyone there...at least if it happened to me I would share the burden with Foy. Overnight they have to make major changes and it's so much.

I also worry more about my kids or myself having diabetes. Obviously (well it might not be obvious unless you've read about the disease), I would not have Type 1 but Type 2 which is not quite as serious. Not to undermine the seriousness of any diabetes. My chances of having it have increased...not like it's catching, lol..but because it is a genetic disease. I guess my chances are the same as they've always been but say to someone who doesn't have a family history of diabetes compared to my family history (my Memaw also has diabetes) my chances are higher which should be obvious. There is a genetic test that I can take...it's offered free to Cash's immediate family members and they can send it here to my doc. I suppose I'll do it but I guess my worry is more for my kids being diagnosed with Type 1. If not caught in time you can die. I'm just glad my Mother was on top of her motherly instincts and got him to the doc in time. It was 600 when they checked it and he was immediately sent to the hospital. He was then transferred to Texas Children's Hospital in Houston. I have read up on it and will be alert to the signs and symptoms in my children.

I just worry and I feel a little overwhelmed about it and...I think a lot about how his whole life changed. I use to think he'd be the type to enlist in the military at 18 and I thought how bad it would be but in the last couple of years I thought that might be the way to go for him. To help cut the apron strings and get him a little grown up...not like in a war or something dangerous but being in the Army seemed to help Foy. Anyways, that's not an option now. Lots of options are out. And his chances of passing it on to his children are high. And if there should be a disaster or AN APOCOLYPSE ;) he should have a supply of medicine on hand. How hard is that gonna be to get? I worry about everything. I'm sure my Mom worries more. And she can't show Cash and she won't even go into it on the phone. I guess there are some things that are too scary to say or if you voice them then you gotta deal with it. I know she's probably a lot more worried than she'll even show me and my heart aches for her. I suggested she find a Juvenile Diabetes support group. I think it would help Cash to know and hang out with kids who are dealing with the same eating schedule and poking schedule and everything. I think it would help Mom to have people who have been where she is to ask questions and share stories. I knew she'd never commit if I didn't push her so I googled it and I can't find a single one close to her...even just a diabetes one. There should be one. I think I'll call the hospital and check with them.

I just have a lot on my mind where this is concerned and I try to share with Foy but he's always gone and he's not as.....invested as I am. I mean I guess I understand. It's not his brother..or his Mother plus he's a man and they tend to not worry or show their feelings as much. I just thought I'd share with you blog. When I regurgitate it here it helps it to not be in my head anymore. I put it on "paper" and it's there to read instead of stuck in my head. I dreamed about it all night. Well, that and the sex of the baby being wrong, lol. But that's another post...Anyways, I'm letting all the negative stuff out here. I know I can be more positive about this and his future and of course I haven't pointed out to him all the stuff he CAN'T do now cuz he's already embracing enough. There are suddenly a ton of foods and drinks he can't have. I just worry to myself. In my head. I'm sure the outlook will be better tomorrow...or a month or two from now. I just hope he doesn't have the complications that can arise from this disease. Oh yes, complications with a already horrible disease but I'm tapped out for the moment and can't go into those. Blindness, loss of nerve endings, autoimmune disease, thyroid problems.......etc, etc, etc....Oh man..

The Tiger's Wife: A Novel

I read "The Tiger's Wife: A Novel" because I saw it was nominated for a book award and I enjoy reading that makes me think. I rarely review the many books I read because if I don't do it right away then I forget. But I will review this one. Mainly because the reviews aggravated me. Some people complained it jumped around too much and didn't have a clear ending but I hardily disagree.

"This was a good book. Not a great book but a good one. What's a great book? A book that changes my life. A book that helped shape who I am now and hopefully will be in the future. A book that changes my mind. A book that changes my path. THIS book was a good read. It wasn't scattered or hard to read. It follows three stories. One in the present of the girls' Grandfather who died and two stories he told her in the past that helped shape who he was. One being The Tiger's Wife and one being The Deathless Man (he was my favorite). It did feel like it had definite closure. More about the closure of the soul than a tangible ending but an ending nonetheless. I even enjoyed the way it came full circle. There was a connection in the stories that I did not see coming. Anyways, I don't want to give away too much of the plot. But unlike many reviewers, I felt it wasn't "hard" to read at all (surely you can follow three stories with clearly defined story lines and chapter changes) nor was I left with the feeling of being left to hang. I felt the ending was perfect."

I'm pregnant and I'm pissy

I have a parenting theory. Not based on personal experience because my Mom called me stupid and all sorts of hateful things, especially when I got in trouble and I don't think of myself as that way at all. BUT my theory is that children ARE and will be what you call them. So for example if I go around calling them little turds or shitfaces or whatever, then they are just fulfilling my expectations of them when they act that way BUT if I call them angelic and sweet and wonderful then they will strive to be those things because that's my expectations and the behaviors that I recognize in them. I also think while I'm probably pissing people off with know-it-all tone that IF there are behaviors I don't like in my children (much like I feel about most things in life) that instead of bitching I need to put a stop to them..however that's possible. Even if it means tearing their asses up. Because I'd rather deal with the behavior and LIKE my children than not be able to stand them because of their behavior. That's basically the definition of parenting, right?

Not to mention I can't bring myself to have a FML attitude ESPECIALLY when it comes to children because they are awesome. I'm not just saying that. I mean it. Smart, creative, funny, beautiful inside and out....My glass is definitely all the way full.

Cloth Diapering

I have 3 children. I haven't cloth diapered any of them. Not because I didn't want to but because I didn't know it was a REAL option. I thought cloth diapering was those prefolds that your Grandma used and diaper pins. I had no idea how much it had evolved and how very real the option was. Now with my 4th I'm determined to make it happen. I probably would be a lot more scared but I have a couple of friends that cloth diaper and I hope they can help guide me through the stinkies and smellies of cloth diapering. Like what detergent to use and so on and so forth.

I'm not doing it to save money (though it's suppose to easily save 2000 dollars throughout the kids diapering life). I'm not doing it to be GREEN (though it is and the more I think about it the more I am excited about it being a GREENer option. Disposable diapers supposedly live in a landfill for hundreds of years). I'm not doing it because it's healthier (though with all the chemicals they use to make disposable diapers and leave in them, it is). I'm not doing it because it's cute and convenient (though they have the CUTEST freaking prints and options out there and I read that when you run out of diapers it's not having to run out to the store but simply wash a load of clothes).  I'm doing it for a little bit of all of these. ;)

I went to cloth diapering websites and was almost turned off the idea. There are never more 'holier than thou' people than cloth diapering Momma's and I ain't even gonna soften that blow for them. And all the slang and shortening of words just makes them sound so know-it-all and annoying as shit and makes me hate them. There. Yes, I hate them. And all the shit they talk about people who don't cloth diaper. So pushy and annoying.

I first got interested by just seeing my friend use them. She didn't tell me I should or buy me some or anything. She just did it...in front of me. I am probably a bit like a 2-year -old cuz if you push something down my throat I'm gonna rebel like crazy. I won't do it even if I do see all the advantages just because you want me to. I will purposely not do it just to piss you off. BUT she handled me the right way and now I'm interested. I already bought my first ones in fact...cuz I'm so excited about it.

This is a Bumgenius, a Grovia AIO (all in one) and a Thirsties cover with a Kissaluvs fitted diaper. I ordered this fantastic book which has been so helpful to get past all the B.S. (bullshit ;) and find out real answers. I also ordered extra hemp inserts for the fun of it. I'm excited to try all these things and I'm enjoying looking at them and playing with them. This is the first purchase I've made for the new baby also. :) Makes it seem more real. Tomorrow: 11 weeks. Time can't go by quick enough!

What cloth diapering advocates need to do is just change their babies...in public. Answer questions WHEN ASKED. And try to educate people in a friendly way instead of an asshole way. I wish I had been educated about my options with my first instead of my 4th. Give people the info but then they are still free to choose. Information would be key though. That's all my saying.

I guess I should say what differs me from a 2-year-old ;) is that if something is a good idea and it was your idea first...I'm not afraid to try it or say so. I'm just not gonna cloth diaper cuz someone did it before me. That's stupid. I think people say.."Oh, she just does it cuz she saw someone else do it.". Yes, maybe so but if I see you jump off a high rise..trust me, I won't follow. If I see you doing something smart and I'd like to try it then yeah, I'm gonna try it too. Not doing it would make me stupid. If I do things only because other people did them then that makes me stupid but if I DON'T do them because other people did them then doesn't that make me stupid too? I'm still letting someone else govern my choices...wether they are governing them into the 'do' pile or the 'do not do' pile. I wanna decide for myself...either way.

Lifestyles of the Not-So-Rich and Definitely Not Famous (but determined)

It's a 1000 bucks for a roundtrip ticket to London, England for a week. I'm so going. I just gotta get this baby birthed and grown up a little and I'm leaving the whole passel of youngins with their grandparents and takin' me an In-ter-national Vaca. Oh yeah, it's happening. Don't doubt me. I like to dream...but not in the way that you dream of things that aren't possible...this is totally possible. I spent more than 2000 bucks (of course my honey is going with me) on school clothes shopping in one weekend. It might not happen for a year or two but then it's happening. Or maybe Milan, Italy...that's 1300 bucks roundtrip. Who knows where I might go? The world is my playground.

A Day of Death, A Day of Life

I spent the first part of today watching the 9/11 Memorial shows. 10 years today and like everyone else I remember where I was. I think the most telling thing is how I felt...vulnerable. I had the vulnerability of youth. Terrorism? That couldn't touch me. Not in this promise land. That was something that happened to OTHER people. Not the good ol' U.S. of A. Vulnerability. I also felt scared. Where next? Where would they strike? Would it be even closer to 'home'? Closer to my person and those I love? I was shocked. I felt like what happens to something people experience during a tragedy. Like surreal. Like it was happening to someone else. I went through the motions of my day with my mind busy. My thoughts on what was going on, what changes were coming....what would happen now?

I like to cushion myself. I like happy things. I like to surround myself with happiness, good food, good things...I shy away from things that make me feel sadness. I mean chances are there are moments when I won't be able to avoid sadness...when my loved ones die or when things are in my face but until that time I'd rather surround myself with as little as possible. So I've always avoided the documentaries and shows associated with this day but today I immersed myself in them. I cried. I remembered. I found out some things I didn't know. It brought back those feelings of vulnerability, of being shocked and scared. I grieved with those who lost. I rejoiced with those that survived. I guess I don't like to watch those things or immerse myself in them because I don't want to become calloused. I don't want to NOT feel or to get so beige about it that it doesn't make an impact. It didn't make me feel as bad as I thought it would. I felt like a survivor. I felt like looking back with wisdom...a little more savvy, a little older, a little more experienced was a good thing.

I HATE those people (there are several on my page..I'm saddened to say that a lot of them are my family) who turn this into a hatred of a race or religion. And what's worse is they camouflage it with religion...their hatred. God is love. If your truly religious...if you truly believe in God then you should read about forgiveness and love. People shouldn't be lumped together. They should be judged individually...when your judging for yourself. God will do his judging and you have no say-so in that.

I don't know why I thought today was good but I decided to watch "The Business of Being Born". I guess I haven't announced on my blog yet but I'm pregnant with my 4th child and am seriously considering a home birth. I interviewed a midwife over the phone who I'm considering and she suggested this movie. A friend of mine had already suggested it (she had 2 midwife births, one in a birthing center and one at home) but I guess I thought it was gonna be some "doctors are demons...hippy thing", lol. Ok, so that was a little judgmental but I was wary. I guess I'm always wary of a group of people that believe there is only one way to skin a rabbit. I don't bow to any one's idea other than my own. BUT since this home birth thing was MY idea and something I feel pretty strongly about but I seem to be running into obstacles to it here and there...and I was thinking of just giving in and doing this thing like the other 3 births...I decided the time was ripe to watch it. I'm glad I did. It wasn't quite what I expected. There was one idea I DEFINITELY disagreed with and that was this 'love cocktail of hormones' notion. I agree that women should be in charge, be more informed, allowed more say-so, birth at home...I agreed with it almost 100 percent. There was one quote that I can't quote exactly but went something like, "If you believe in this woman and in her ability and in her bodies ability then you are doing her a disservice by taking this from her.". I love woman empowerment. With three girls I strive to feel empowered and to empower them with EVERY decision I make. Anyways, back to the love cocktail. They implied (or pretty much said) that if you have an epidural, c-section, pitocin drip...then you've interfered with this mix of hormones between baby and mother and your bonding will not be the same. That you won't care for your baby, feel that bond like a woman who goes through natural labor. Well, I'm gonna go ahead and call bullshit. I am enraged that someone would even imply I loved or bonded with my baby any less than any other woman. How dare they! But I also embrace the idea that I've never had a home/natural birth (I've had partial ones..where I didn't have pitocin or where the epidural didnt' work) and I will make a better judgment after though I'm sure I will still insistently call bullshit on that point. The film was informative and mind opening otherwise and renewed my determination in making this home birth happen for me.

I guess 'fearmongering' has become an echo in my head. If you can fear monger people into making one decision or another then you've made it for the wrong reason. I don't want to be fearmongered into birthing in a hospital but on the opposite hand I don't want to be fearmongered into having a home birth. I want to do it for MY reasons. I want to be informed....not fearmongered.

When my Grandmother was told about my pregnancy she asked my Mother, "What does she want all these kids for?". It's been echoing in my head since my Mom told me. For? Should I be using them FOR something? I can't tell you why I wanted another exactly but I CAN tell you that I'm not having them FOR something. I'm trying to raise them to be productive, intelligent, independent, loving, rewarding adults. Maybe having children is your way of trying to achieve immortality or make sure you live on in the ideals of someone else or maybe it's so you have someone to care for you in your old age...maybe it's egotistical or self-love or your way of making sense of a senseless world...who knows why? I can't answer these large questions but what I can say is I take damn good care of the children I have. They are loved and they are loving. They make me happy and I love spending time with them. I have the way and means to care for them and a home full of love to bring them to so what I guess I'm saying is "Why wouldn't I want more kids?".

Happy 4th of July!!

So once again I'm having people over for the 4th. I don't know how this always happens. I truly never plan it. Someone will just ask me about doing something and suddenly I have people over. THIS year it's playgroup peeps. Well, even though I invited several people only 3 Moms have RSVP'd so it won't be that large of a group and I will confess that I'm not too sad about that. I was planning a small family celebration cuz I always figure at the point I actually start planning that most people already have plans but Nicole asked if I wanted to get together and it turned into a whole day thing. I was just thinkin it was weird that of all holidays the 4th is the one where I always seem to have company. We are planning the Gorge for the first half of the day and then roasted weiners, s'mores, watermelon, salads and 4th of July desserts at my house. I'm sure we'll be staying up for fireworks here also though I don't know if my company will.

I decided the Gorge was a good idea after going yesterday with Amanda and her family and Lacy and her boyfriend. We had never been swimming out there and it was fun. :) I really liked the floats they had. I'm going to get some before tomorrow....I hope, if Wally isn't sold out.

My brother is in and we've been pretty busy but I like it that way. Gotta keep him busy. Water park is planned for week after next and then San Diego not long after that. Just living the fairytale as Gingerella...How absolutely terrific my life is hits me all the time.

Another day of traveling that went almost as well. We didn't leave the hotel til 830 which was an hour later than I planned on leaving but things worked out fine. We made it to our goal destination and with this new travel plan (that worked so well) we only have 3.5 hours of travel tomorrow. Yay! Next time we try this (as long as there isn't a new little Wallace) I might be ready to attempt it in 2 days again.

I'm excited to see family but tight on finances so more subdued than usual. We'll be taking advantage of lots of FREE stuff this trip. It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make though for our San Diego trip. We've already booked and paid for the hotel and if I can watch my dollars we should have plenty to spend. So much to look forward to this Summer. Though I am mostly happiest wherever I am and if we had NO plans I'd be making the most of that too...

I AM pretty excited my bro is coming back with me though. He's old enough that I trust him to stay with the girls...especially after they go to bed for a couple of hours. Yay for free babysitting! I can't believe he turned 14 this year. Where has the time gone?

Well, I've taken off for Texas and had such a great first day of traveling. Because of the GPS in my car I decided to play it loose this time and see how far I could get...though I did settle on a goal eventually of farther than I usually go and I made my goal in record time and the kids were good for the most part. I mean, I had a couple of times I screamed at the older two for fighting but overall a good day making great time. Even the hotel went great because we are platinum members of Best Western I got a free room upgrade and the front desk and other patrons had been very nice, polite and accomadating in my limited interaction with them. And THEN the front desk called to say they had some complaints about "screaming children". We'd only been at the hotel like an hour...from like 630-730 and the kids were getting in bed when they called. What I'm trying to say is...yeah maybe my kids after a long, hard day in the car let off a little steam before retiring at a decent time. I mean it's not like they were screaming for hours or even in the middle of the night. What kind of a-hole complains about a couple of loud noises? It just put a damper on a great day...so thanks to whoever the a-hole was for crappin' up my day! :(

So I've been spending a lot of time weighing the important question of wether to have another child or not. It's never a question I've taken lightly...bringing another child into the world and specifically into my life deserves all of my grave attention. Of course this decision probably predominantly effects me but secondarily of course my husband so he gets some say so in the matter as well. But when I asked him (one of the times because I've been bringing it up a lot lately) he said, "I don't really care or feel strongly one way or the other...it effects you more than me.". Though, reader, I just pretty much confessed the same thing it was confusing to hear it actually come out of his mouth. Mainly because I've been putting a lot of thought and time into this decision and ultimately together it is one of the most important decisions we will ever make.

I am getting older. 32 in January. The girls are moving on to new phases, new things, new chapters...I want to be the best Mother I can be and when I try to put my feelings aside (Do **I** want another baby or not?) and just think of them...what would benefit them and be completely honest...I don't think it's beneficial to them to have another sibling. Sometimes I look at my little family and feel so complete. Actually I almost always feel that way. Complete.

I want to spend my time coaching, cultivating, watering, encouraging and being the best Mom I can be to the flowers already in my garden. I want to expand all my energies on to helping them, cultivating them...to be the best women they can be. Having another child is honestly less money and less time to go around...less one on one time. I love my children so dearly and I LOVE spending time with them.

It could be that I never ache for time away from them because I have such an amazing, supportive husband. I never have to be happy my children are gone because he allows me (or I demand) that time when I need it and he's always been wonderful to comply. He thinks men should take an active, involved role in taking care of their children. I think a lot of his willingness to help comes from the fact that in the first 18 months or so of K's life...because of our job schedules you would have probably said he was the predominant care giver. He's always been so amazing and such a wonderful father.

I don't know...I still haven't made the final decision on having more children though this blog may sound like I have. I do feel I'm getting to the age where my biological clock is ticking rather loudly...but I don't want to rush a decision or make one for the wrong reasons.

I have a healthy marriage, a supportive family, I'm a SAHM so I CAN devote my full attention to my offspring...and much like people who are crazy never questioning they are crazy...probably the fact that I can voice the concerns I have means I am aware of them and can make wise choices should I decide to have another child. I would make sure I had the time, energy, attentiveness that I needed to give each child..

Do you or don't you?

Why is it the shower or while I'm driving down the road or when I'm talking to someone else that I ge these blog ideas and feel like they would be exactly what I needed to say? Never when I'm sitting down at the iPad to write.

I don't know if I've mentioned it but I belong to a playgroup...mostly that I enjoy. But (without naming names) this chick was recently "kicked out" cuz some of the members used words like "stalker", "aggressive", "addict"...in conjunction with her. Her son was called "abusive" and some members even said they felt uncomfortable attending playgroup with her and her child there. Now, this person wasn't a fav of mine but I was honest with her about our particular issues and felt we had closed the deal as aquantinces and she got where I was coming from. She wasn't keeping me from playgroup nor did I feel "threatened" by her. BUT for the safety of the group...the owner and mods decided to tell her she wasn't welcome to attend anymore because of the sheer volume and seriousness of complaints. Two letters went out...one being signed with the mods names (including mine). Well understandably the chick was upset and unfriended me, the owner and another mod. Now I'm all good to go up to here....but THEN some of the VERY people that had been THE most outspoken in their complaints about her remain on her FB friends list.

I get called things....that insinuate that I'm a bad friend, that I'm two faced...and honestly now I feel a little bit bad cuz now this chick (who remember I had no REAL issues with) thinks I'm a total b**** when the "friends" on her friends list are really the problem.

I try to be honest with myself....and that means you blog and I think I AM a good friend. As long as I'm there and I choose to be your friend I can be the best one....when I don't want to be your friend or have a problem then I am honest about that too. Even though people may not like that about me...its what makes me NOT two faced. I lose face with myself as long as I proceed in a game of pretend and maybe even worse...I lose face with other people.

Now these so-called "friends" of hers...and for that matter mine have me wondering. If you'll use words like "stalker" and "aggressive" about her and then pretend to be her friend to her face...won't you do the same thing to me? Now those are definitely not the kind of friends I want or need.

And this is not to be confused....can I have aquantances? Yes. Can I be civil to people that I don't just love? Yes. After all I am an ADULT. But I think people have a right to know where they stand. And also that's not saying I love EVERY. LITTLE. THING. about my friends. I mean yeah...even the ones I like annoy me occasionally. It would be highly irregular if they didn't but airing an annoyance doesn't mean I use words like "stalker" and "threatened" in conjunction with someone and still invite them to my parties.

I guess you could say I walk on the right or I walk on the left....but I hate those who are trying to straddle the fence.

Recipe

If I could take every life experience, book, movie, lesson I learned and sift them all around and pick out the bad ones or re-organize them so some of them come at a softer time then I would do all that for my kids. Sometimes I think and hope and try to do the good things from my childhood and I try to subtract all the bad and then I never know if I'm quite getting the recipe right.

Back up off me bitch.

I withheld the previous post in my drafts due to my aversion to drama and YOU but you let my name slip one too many times in your blog. I'm tired of it and back up off Steph. She's ALWAYS took up for you and never had anything negative to say and at least she acknowledges your existence. Just one more person you've managed to push away.

I didn't want, need or have to say anything about you to anyone because actions speak louder than words and your coming through loud and clear to everyone. Quit blaming me or anyone else for you lack of friends or losing friends! LOOK IN THE MIRROR FOR ONCE!

I never wrote a blog or spoke your name to more than one or two people unless they brought up the subject and you've been either directly or indirectly accusing me in your blog on at least a weekly basis. Well, like I said I never spoke up because I just wait for you to shoot yourself in the foot because you will but ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

Candace,

I feel like this letter has been a long time coming. I should have sat down and wrote it a long time ago. There are a few reasons I didn't. I don't have alot of nice things to say to you and I do TRY to live by the rule that if you have nothing nice to say you should just shut it. No matter what you may believe of me I'm never rude or mean just for the sake of it. I also never wrote the letter because I honestly believe it won't make a difference. You won't change...you can't and my mind won't change because I'm stubborn and I'm fed up. I also didn't write it because I hate to engage you in any way. I would rather live without the drama and replying to you or acknowledging you in any way just adds to it...unfortunately. I ALSO didn't write the letter because I was afraid instead of just accepting (not your strong point) you would promise to change things or find excuses for them (your strong point) or try to ingrate yourself to me more when I really don't want that. SO..now I will write you the letter..

Deciding I didn't want to be your friend wasn't a short decision or something I made on the fly...it wasn't because of a small incident or wet wipes or whatever you THINK I'm petty enough to drop a friendship over. It wasn't because I found new friends or I'm snobby or whatever other excuse you've came up with that makes me look like the one making the shitty decision here and you were an innocent victim (something I know about you, you like to play the victim). It started long ago...when I first met you I wondered why your kids clung to me and were so loving with me and then I saw you push Elizabeth away one time when she wanted a hug (I saw you push Abby and Elysia away as well) because you were trying to teach her 'boundaries' you said. I thought...well, I'm not gonna tell someone how to raise their kids ..it's not my place. I saw how you 'potty train' your kids which is the stupidest thing I've seen yet. It's not THEIR fault they aren't potty trained til they are 6 or 7 but YOUR fault. They have an accident and you start yelling they aren't trained and stick them in diapers/pullups again right away. You talk loudly and obnoxiously about how they don't WANT to potty train...thereby making up their minds for them. I've seen you let Jacob sit in poop for WAY too long waiting for David to get there so HE will change him. And then you wonder why he always had a butt rash. I've seen your kids shaking from your lack of feeding or giving them basic things like water. I've seen Elizabeth pee herself because you were TOO LAZY to take her to the bathroom and then you YELLED at her because she had an accident. I've seen you sleep all day and brag about how much Jacob likes his playpen (where he shouldn't stay ALL the time no matter how convenient that is for you!) or gripe about what your kids get into when you should be up watching them instead of staying up all night when they are sleeping. I've never seen someone hate being around their kids that much and yet can't wait to have another. You don't need anymore children. You and David have one of the worst marriages I've ever seen. AND IT'S NOT HIS FAULT. It's not, it's not, it's not...QUIT TELLING YOURSELF THAT. He loses his jobs because you are too demanding. TOO DEMANDING. You fight in the parking lot at work! You hang out at his job which is completely inappropriate! You act like you can't believe his work didn't think it was ok to hang in the office for hours. He's gonna wind up losing his current job for many reasons..starting with the fact that you hang out there and use their pool like you live there. INAPPROPRIATE! I don't know if your Mother didn't tell you when things weren't socially acceptable or if these kinds of things ARE socially acceptable in your family but they are NOT the norm. Another topic, inviting yourself to things. NOT APPROPRIATE. If you didn't receive an invite there is SURELY a reason why. If you ask people if you can come...most people aren't going to be rude enough to say no...especially if you have your CHILDREN ask why they aren't invited which BTW is unbelievably manipulative on SO many levels. First..your children should NEVER ever ever know when they aren't invited to something. Why would you hurt them like that? The party I have in mind specifically (though there are more, many more examples) was a FB invite that your kids should never have seen so you TOLD them they weren't invited to something. WHY OH WHY would you do that? And if people aren't inviting your kids...it's not them. There is nothing wrong with your kids. It's you. YOU. People don't invite you to functions because of you. There WILL be something wrong with your kids if they continue to be submitted to your wacky forms of parenting. GLEE IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR YOUR CHILDREN. Maybe the music...but it's rated TV 14 for a reason. Back to your marriage...i have seen you be so abusive to your husband I wouldn't treat a DOG I hated like you've treated him.. Your divorce was BECAUSE you COMMITTED ADULTERY. I'm not gonna say your marriage wasn't in a bad way but that's your fault too. Oh I believe that David blows up and goes off the handle but I also believe it's after you've pushed every imaginable button to make him do it. I saw a documentary on abused husbands and I 've never seen one that more fit the bill than yours. If I had a wife (or husband) that laid up on his lazy ass all day while the kids were made to watch movies and the youngest was pinned in his playpen or toy room all day until ****I **** got home to do all the work for you...I'd blow up too. If my wife left me for another dude, brought him into MY house and into MY bed and then when he left her because she is NUTSO...she ran right back to me...yeah, that would be some understandable emotional baggage. You got pregnant with Jacob so you could MAKE Jared think it was his. You seriously kept pulling at straws to make him come back to you...and you went that far. Another topic, you carry a gun ILLEGALLY I might add in your glove compartment last time I heard you mention the topic. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

Oh, I know you Candace. I think the people that DON'T know you are the ones who still might hold some vestige of hope out for you. I know the little excuses you make for yourself so your self-esteem doesn't completely plummet but what you NEED to do is make some much needed improvements because YOU realize you need them and not because someone else says so.

You try to ride the fence religiously...in other words your a COMPLETE hypocrite. I don't know how you expect people to respect or want to be friends with you when your saying one thing and doing another. You admit to drinking alcohol which you KNOW is against Mormon beliefs and you STILL hold a temple recommend. I know it's for GOD to judge you but as a peer I can't help seeing what I see and I lose respect for you. I don't care if you don't want to be Mormon OR if you do..I have friends that are both but your hypocritical riding the fence is just WRONG on both sides. Mormon or no Mormon.

I think Elizabeth should be in school. I think your controlling and manipulative and the REAL reason she's not there is because you couldn't get your ass up and take her so she was missing too many days and the school was gonna hold you accountable. You can't write a note and say your child is excused. That is for the school to say. "I was too lazy to get her ready properly and walk her to the school bus stop" is NOT an excuse. If you let her watch the shows you do and TELL her the things you do...it's not YOU who should worry about their child but the parents whose children are associating with yours. She needs to learn how NORMAL people act and get a perspective that's not yours. You try to control your husband, your children and manipulate situations. You are no more a germophobe than.....any other person you just use that to CONTROL. You even use your pregnancies as a factor of control. You control your husband same as always ....he just puts up with more. You think you should get special treatment or be considered in a 'delicate' way but that went out with the 50's. You STILL have to watch your kids at the library EVEN if your pregnant...or otherwise..sorry if no one informed you. You meet opposition and roadblocks...problems with the law whichever way you turn and you keep acting like it's everyone else's fault when all you need to do is look in the mirror.

You want to talk about who KNOWS you...your Mother..who I can tell obviously thinks you have problems but doesn't know how to reach you. I was wondering why she was SO happy I was your friend and now I know it's because she sees you need some NORMALCY in your life. Your in-laws ...they are FINE. They've just been putting up with your crazy ass for too long NOT to know you.

I'm not GOD. I try not to judge. I disagreed with how you treated your husband but I kept my mouth shut cuz that ain't my business. I disagreed with your potty training, discipline, homeschooling, and most of the other things you do with your children but that's not my place to say. I believe people's marriage are their business and for the most part how they raise their children but I felt like by keeping my mouth shut I was condoning your behavior and I disagree with it, ALL OF IT. It got to the point where I couldn't keep my mouth shut...honestly the REAL breaking point was when I overheard you telling Melissa at the park about how David was possessed by a DEMON. I can hardly write this because it makes me so FURIOUS. If David was ever possessed by a demon then it's YOU. He can't seem to get away from your manipulative, destructive, controlling ways...but he doesn't seem to want to. That's one of the symptoms of abuse. I knew for a fact when I heard you say, "We haven't had a problem since we've been remarried." that that was the biggest lie because you had had a huge fight not a day or two before you said this to her. Then is when I decided I was done. I was gonna stop pretending you just had some different ideas and just admit that there is something wrong with you. I DO genuinely care for your children and I DO genuinely hope you get some help before you destroy them. I do wish the best for you but for my health, sanity and the sake of my children and mostly my husband who was getting tired of me rail on about all the things you said in our last conversation that I disagreed with..I had to see myself out of this friendship. I have a feeling that people have been trying to help you your whole life and it's never worked. I believe Davids parents are probably good people that want the best for their son and grandchildren and they've TRIED to reach you and then him and it hasn't worked. I know if they've failed then there's probably no way your gonna ever admit you need the help that you do.

In closing,.....your probably furious with me and hurt. I would be too. I KNOW I'm not perfect. I'm not the perfect wife and I'm far from the perfect Mother. I have made mistakes and will continue to make them. My marriage is not without it's own hiccups but I DO NOT have the abusive, cops getting called, "David ran into a tree", anger management class kind of marriage as you do. And my children are not perfect and I've never read a potty training book and some people may find my parenting methods confusing or even WRONG. They may disagree with my corporal punishment or the days we hang in our jammies all day and Kylie may have been late too school for a weeks worth of days this year already...but I am not you. My mistakes don't excuse yours. Too often I saw you use something I may admit as a fault of mine as an excuse for yours. If people felt that way about me or had problems with the way i did things then i wouldnt expect or want them to be my friend. And I'm sure you feel the same. I know your going to have a huge defense to all I've just said and in your mind you'll be right but I really don't care to see it or hear it because it's not going to change mine. I don't think I'm judgmental or mean. I can be friends with people and disagree with one or two things they do or say. My friends can be different from me...many of them are BUT in your case I feel like there's too much and it requires more than a friend...it truly requires GOD or meds (or both). It requires you actually admitting some blame. I think your abusive, manipulative and controlling and I can't be friends with THAT.

When I first decided to put some distance between us then I was going to be civil, polite and even attend the same playgroup BUT YOU started texting other people, asking our friends about it...who didn't even know what was going on...YOU made it impossible to be civil. You are pushy and obnoxious. You drove an even larger wedge between us and there's no going back. Civility is not something you comprehend.

Sincerely,
Ginger

Better Mother, Acceptable Wife

I wish these things for myself.

Seriously.

I just happened upon this blog and she said exactly what I've been thinking lately...but she said it better and with better pictures.

I want a blog with bright, cheery, quirky pics of my kids...and brutal honestly that comes out in my writing. I want insight, depth and the right words to fall in my lap.

I swear if it kills me I will write a better blog.

And my poor husband. I feel like some days I suck at both but if one part gets shorted...it's definitely the wife part. I'm even a better friend lately than I am wife. It seems like so often my love gets pushed to last place and I need to do better. I will do better!

And I will improve my blog too. Less drama, more meat. I have a unique voice and I will use it to express myself in a way that I'm proud. I WILL.

Just Doing What Makes Me Happy

I'm afraid I give people the wrong impression (why does this sound like something I've said before? Probably because I have.) of me. I probably come off vain or stuck up, snotty...I'm looking for the right word...snobby maybe? I like nice things. I like new, nice things. I like to have lots of things. But I never do it to "one up" someone...I just do it cuz it makes me happy. I think it really comes down to what makes me happy. I want the things I want because I want them...because it would please me to have them..

This still sounds snotty. Ok, for example...I am throwing my sister a shower and I want it to have the best everything..the designer cake, the expensive bedding my sis wants, the best diaper cake ever made, the cutest decorations...I want it to be the BEST shower ever thrown and I don't think that makes me snobby. I want those things because it will make me happy to give them to her...because I will enjoy buying and doing it for her. Because she's my sister and like I am with my kids...I want to give her the BEST things money can buy. I want that for my nephew too. I like to throw myself into what I'm doing. I've told you before I have an obsessive personality and a giving nature...were you listening? Well, my newest project is my sis's shower and I will throw myself into it 110%. I HATE to half-ass things. Man, that is one of my major pet peeves." If it's worth doing then it's worth doing right" goes right up there as one of my favorite quotes. I feel such guilt when I half-ass stuff...because I am capable of that...I just feel shitty. My "best" may differ from your "best". And its not like the price matters...I want nice things. I want things I (or my sis) think are pretty. I am knitting her baby things as well, which I will be MOST proud of because I made them with my own two hands...and I plan to make the best diaper cake I possibly can. I want her to be happy. I want to make the guest feel welcome and I want my sister to get everything her little heart desires.I want the best for myself...what I consider the best...and for those I love. I have a big heart and a giving personality. I'm a people pleaser (to those I give a fuck about anyways). I'm an entertainer. I'm a hostess, I'm loud, I'm boisterous, I'm FULL...my cup runneth over and I like it to spill on those I care about. If that's snobby, snotty or comes off as vain or greedy in anyway...well, it wasn't intended so.

It goes to my honesty policy. You wanna hear about the shitty parts of my life...about the drug addict boyfriend who hit me, my bad self-esteem that led to multiple sex partners and LOTS of bad decisions, the fact I rode a bus until I was in college and didn't have a car until my second semester of college, the fact that I lived with my Grandma and slept on the couch til I was 16, the fact that that I didn't finish college, the fact that parents didn't have the money to buy me things like the other kids, the fact that I was raised Pentecostal in a very restrictive, hostile environment...I'll tell you about those JUST like I'll tell you about my new iPad, iPod or my new car. They don't mean anything. One made me happy, one made me unhappy...life goes on. I take the joy where I can get it and I share it whenever I can...a lesson life has taught me. I guess what I'm saying is...call me snotty, snobby or ANYTHING else that you want but until you've walked a decade or two in my shoes..."Frankly, I don't give a damn." ;) I'm just finding joy where I can...whether that be the gaudy, flashy and expensive...or the handmade, cheap and durable. I just have to love it and that's enough for me.

You winker You! (Not to be confused with a wanker.)

Why are New Years Resolutions so hard? Why must they always be some crazy hard thing that you know your gonna give up on 1/6th of the way through the year? It's like we try to make Lent last the whole year....for about 6 weeks out of the year the Catholics (I've never been Catholic so dont quote me on that) give up something that suppose to be a little difficult for them. Maybe I just dont like broad sweeping statements that are suppose to encompass a whole year...or maybe I have committment issues. Hell, I cant committ to next week so I'm sure that's it. Maybe I don't like to presume that I'll be here the whole year, God willing I will. I have never made a New Years Resolution because I HATE saying I'm gonna do something and renege on it so I just done say anything.

This year I will...this year I resolve to wink more...in person, not on FB because I'm not sure it's possible for me to wink more online than I already do. ;) I will wink more in public because it's fun, it's a bit naughty, it's sly, it's devilish....but most of all it's FUN. I like a winker. I vow to wink more in the New Year. Now that is something I think I can resolve to do....and enjoy.

Why? Because I said so!!

I'm not feeling the love today....hell I haven't felt the love all week. This post annihilates my resolution of making my blog about my busyness and not about my feelings...but whatever. I won't apologize for having some place to write down how I feel....I'm really not asking anyones permission to feel or not feel the way I do. I am who I am and I guess there is no fix for that.

I blog when I'm up. I blog when I'm down....I blog about whatever I'm feeling at the moment. And at the moment I'm feeling down.

Solution. When I'm down I always look for a solution...and today I shall get off this iPad. I shall go get dressed. I shall go buy some new workout clothes for the Zumba class tomorrow. I shall take my knitting and my kids to McD for lunch...oh, perhaps we'll run by the library, too. I will not mop around waiting for people to lift me out....I will life myself out with positive motivation...with forward momentum when I really just wanna sit here and feel down on myself. It's a beautiful day out there. The sun is shining and it's clear, crisp and cold. And I'm gonna go out there and have the best first Monday of the year EVER!!...because I said so!

4am--Out look is dim

Well, it's after 3 am in the new year. I just woke up. Yes, Foy and I traditionally bring in the New Year sleeping, we always have. I'm not kidding. Even when we were young and carefree. I'll never forget being 21-22 and my Mom called and woke me up. She was at a party hotspot yelling over the noise and she said, "What are you doing?" And I said sleeping. But this year, I think I'm a little sad. I kinda wish we had had plans of some kind with friends...oh wait, we don't have THOSE kind of friends. I guess I should warn you...it IS 3am and I am a firm believer that anyone's out look on life is bleak that time of night/morning. I feel sometimes that every time I make a giant leap forward in making a new friend...somehow I wind up two steps back.

My Mom doesn't have friends and we've always disagreed about the subject but I might be leaning her way this year. It's really sad when I can say that. As much as I appear extroverted I can have a serious introvert side and I think this may be the year to embrace that and say "Fuck it." I will live in my nook with my knitting, my shows, my new car,my wonderful family...I will focus more on cooking great meals and being the best Mom ever.

I think I shall "start over" with you blog. I shall write more about my life and activities and less about what I feel/think. I mean who really gives a rats ass anyways. I swear I'm the most negative poster ever lately.

I shall social network less and spend more time in the actual company of people...maybe that's my problem. MAYBE instead of drawing inward, I should do those things I've been thinking about. 1. Since I'm so obsessed with knitting, I should start a knitting group for Moms. I would like more people to discuss this thing I am passionate about. 2. A Book Club for Moms- another thing I am passionate about.

Or maybe I should go potty, get a drink of water, a 3am (now 4am) snack and go to fucking sleep. Yeah, that sounds about right. I seriously doubt 4am- sore throat, dehydrated, sweaty, tummy rumbling- is the time to be blogging...or making ANY decisions. I look forward to waking up in the morning with a more cheerful out look on life! Happy 1/1/11 everyone!! :)

I can't help but think in re-reading this that I remind myself of someone. Maybe what I need to do is take a hint and go away. Maybe it's time to start over...It's too late in the game to change myself so I need to find someone who's pushy enough...or enough un-like me that they WILL make the effort when I can't seem to lately.

I guess as of right now, I start the new year with a question. Fight for it or give up and start from scratch?