When people describe me they use words like "honest, blunt, outspoken,funny". Though I like being these things I guess a tiny part of me wishes the description involved "sweet,nice, kind hearted". I mean I like being honest. I put a lot of stock in honesty...most of all not just in honesty to other people but honesty to yourself. I can have a crude sense of humor and the most inane things pop out of my mouth before I check it. I mean I don't want to say I can't help what I say...I can. We all can. I just don't police myself well that way. I promise I can be sweet, nice and kind hearted...you just have to catch my moments. People should take my bluntness as what I intend it to be. I intend to really know you. I intend for you to really know me. I intend for you to know where you stand with me. I intend to make you laugh. I intend to show you that it's ok to be you. If **I** of all people feel it's ok to be me, then other people should only see goodness in themselves when compared to my loud mouth, rude brashness. What was that about good intentions...paving a road..I'm sure it was straight to heaven, something like that. ;)
When asking people to describe me they also said things like "comfortable with 'myself', outgoing".
I saw a discussion on FB the other day about how you should know yourself before marriage. I can't say I completely did. I was probably more on my way than some people but I can't say I really KNEW myself til my late 20's and that does honestly open up a lot of doors. I suddenly know what friends I want (and which ones I don't), I know I have faults but if they aren't landing me in jail and my family in peril then I can accept these too. I look for people who I can say, "See, this is me. Take me as I am or don't take me at all. I like me and I won't re-arrange ME for anyone. I worked too hard and endured too much to let you take it from me." Maybe I'm a bit selfish. I see myself as the constant and everything else may revolve or stay the same but **I** am the constant. You may be in or out of my life. You may like me, you may not. You may move, you may lie, you may lay on the floor and throw a fit...you may do whatever pleases you. I will be right here. I will be the same. I will not let you effect me.
Re-reading this brings to mind my friend issues. It's probably one of my problems in making and maintaining friends. It's probably cuz I'm not much to emotionally invest in anything but my family, my children, and my husband. They are my constant also.
I perhaps should feel guilty or apologetic about that. I should feel bad for distancing myself or feel like I'm missing out....but I don't. What I feel is STABLE. I feel loved. I feel secure. I feel sure that the people who chose or I chose to orbit around me aren't here for any reason but that they like ME...because you see, you have no choice because of my big mouth to NOT truly know me if your orbiting close. If you aren't reading my blog because you care then please see the revolving door on your way out and thanks for riding Air Ginger. ;D
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1 comment:
I personally care about you quite a bit. That would be why, through it all, I still make an effort. But that doesn't mean getting kicked around feels any better. My loyalty and the amount I care doesn't change. I'd still jump at the chance to catch a movie, or hang out with you. Thus the endless invites, and attempts to talk things through. I hope one day maybe that'll count for something and you'll want me in the orbit again.
Merry Christmas! :-)
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