Future Thoughts.

I'm tired of being scared. I feel like I want to do something. I want to feel like I'm living and not just holding a space for when I'm ready to live.

My problem is I don't really know what I want to do. I thought about taking a college course or trying to get a job on a blog ...even a non-paying one. I thought about starting one.

I'm flaky. I have a million ideas and too little follow through.

I want to do Yoga.

I feel like all the things I want to do will take too much from my children. I feel like I owe them my time and resources especially because we unschool. Guilt. It's guilt.

I didn't go today. Maybe I will go again.

I didn't go to UU today and it wasn't because I was busy it was because I decided not to go. Here are the reasons.

1) I attended a talk maybe a month ago where they played a film of a psychologist talking about anger and I mostly agreed but he referenced putting toddlers having a 'tantrum' in their beds because toddlers are trying to manipulate them. I disagreed. When I brought up this disagreement in the talk another woman pointedly said how she finds children obnoxious in public places.

In a place that is suppose to be about social justice, is suppose to be about non-violence, and acceptance there are an alarming number of old folks (I realize this is ageist...) that are fine with hitting children. It's like the one category that seems to universally be accepted. It's illegal to hit your animal or your spouse but everyone is a-ok if you hit your child....your small, defenseless, still maturing child.

2) In a talk last week (no film, just a roundtable discussion) one man referenced the video of the Black woman hitting her Black son because he was 'rioting'. My favorite response to this has been that I'd like to think if I were in this woman's shoes and my child was endangering his life what I would do is says 'Son, I love you so much and I wish you would choose to not do this because I fear for you life. If you will not leave though I feel as your Mother and someone who cares for you deeply that I must stand here between you and the danger because that is my job...to protect my heart.' If this helped my son to walk away or if it didn't, this is the line of non-violence I would like to follow.

Anyways, this was referenced and he was commending her. I'm not sure if he was racist because I often find white people commending violence more often when it involved people of color because they like to think of them as animals or somehow less than. I can't say he was but I can say that he referenced his own childhood and compared his Mother favorably to this woman and I couldn't help but think 'Stockholm Syndrome'. I can't believe how many times I defended what my Mother did to me. I mean I am ultimately 'ok', right? It took me accepting that non-violence was the path I wanted for my own children, to love myself, and to learn boundaries...to accept that I was ok IN SPITE of what she did and not because of it. This man, this man who has attended a UU church for years and accepted that lifestyle STILL thinks it's ok to hit children. It's so...disheartening.

Another man talked about his daughter gaining weight and how he could fix her. What? She lost her Mother six months ago to cancer. Accept her, love her, buy her some fucking ice cream, and stop being her judge. Our kids don't need anymore fucking judges.

Another man said his niece had cut off her entire family (you could tell this greatly displeased him) and he was the only one she would speak with but she had called him recently and said she needed his support because her husband was diagnosed with very bad colon cancer. Now he feels like he must tell the family even though she doesn't want him to. When we delved a bit deeper he says (his words) 'She CLAIMS to have been sexually abused as a child and that's why she won't talk to any of them'. WHAT> THE>FUCK.

No one cuts off their Mother and their entire family for fun. I should know. I cut off my Mother and it's fucking hard and even after what she did it motherfucking hurts. I'm not having a good time. Why is it so hard for him to accept his niece's truth as THE truth? Whether it is the truth or it isn't, she asked him not to share and now he should respect that.

Needless to say I had many very ...strong opinions in this roundtable discussion that many may not agree with.

To sum it up I am finding at UU that there is very little kindness toward children despite their empty words. I cannot abide those who hit children or those who excuse hitting children. I find it detestable.

I have noticed the church has some problems. They are mostly white and mostly old yet they preach inclusivity. It's a problem. They are so tightly bound to each other and their outdated ideas that any 'outsiders' find it difficult to get in.

Anyways, I didn't go today. Maybe because I'd hear some more abuse being justified or maybe because I don't think they can handle my truth. So is my personal struggles shading my perceptions of what is happening? Yes, and that's why I keep giving it a chance.

Remember when you never made mistakes? ...No one else does either.

Is love really the answer?

Simply, yes.

I mean it's the easy answer when the are lovable or when it's the people in our lives we care about but what if it's the people who are making us angry. How do we show love then? For example, what if it is a transphobic person speaking negatively about Caitlyn Jenner?

Love is still the answer. Love of Caitlyn and love of that person. What is your ultimate goal or wish? That the person you are speaking with would understand and accept transgender people I hope is the answer. What will help them do this the most? Seeing transgender people reflected in a positive light and not the privilege few upper class transgenders like Caitlyn but the ones who are hurting still, who needs homes and hope, and acceptance. They need to see transgender people in their news feed. They need to see positive stories about the achievements of transgender people. They need to see the people they revere having something positive to say about transgender people.

Highlight what  you love. Take care of what you love and ignore what you hate. Think of it as a plant. If you love a plant you will nurture and care for it with love and kindness (work with me here, you really love this plant. And if you hate a plant (who could?! but work with me here) you ignore it and it will wither and die. Choose to spend time on acts of love.

I think my job as an ally is to amplify transgender (and ALL LGBTQ+) voices and to do that I need to focus more on speaking positively about them and leave the naysayers and the haters to...wither and die (I mean, I don't want them to die ...but their hate can.).

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Boundaries are healthy. You get to say who is welcome in your private spaces and how they are welcome there. They can choose to comply or they can choose to leave. If having them in your life is more important than this choice you will choose to make allowances for them.

Ultimately we can't change others. We can only change ourselves or change how we do it or change how we think about it.

What do we do when someone we love is struggling? Say, with depression. We get them a therapist but we notice they are eating more, gaining weight, sleeping more, and picking up bad habits in general. What do we do? What do we do if it's our child?

We leave them alone. We be there for them. We DO NOT judge them or attempt to fix them or for gods sake talk to our daughters about their weight. What children need the most from their parents is overwhelming and undying love and acceptance for who they are. That's all. They just want to be loved for who they are NOW, in this moment. Not to be seen a project worthy of love or acceptance when they meet that behavior expectation or when they are an adult or when they never make a mistake (remember those days? Yeah, no one else does either.). Love and accept them now. Less judgements and more acceptance. Do it for them and treat yourself the same way.