Monday, June 25, 2012

Lonely

Once again I feel the need to blog at what is probably not the best time. I'm so tired tonight and honestly just not having the best day. I'm lonely. Sometimes I need an adult to talk to and Foy is gone so much now with Summer. They get busier then. I want to take trips but not by myself. :( I'm gonna wind up going to Texas earlier than planned if this keeps up. I can't be down in the dumps. It's just not me.

Someone I was trying to make new friends with...we're just not clicking so I'm kinda bummed about that. And a another new person who showed interest in being my friend is not answering emails. She emails me back like once a month, lol. She must have lots of friends or she's way busy...and she's a SAHM with one kid. I really wanted to talk to her because she cloth diapers. I need NEED someone to talk about my addiction with. I talked the hair dressers ear off the other day about cloth diapers. I'm pretty sure between that and my explaining hippy deodorant and asking her about no poo she thinks I'm bonkers.

I probably am.

Goodnight.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

I make effin' MILK people! It's a miracle! (and co-sleeping)

Lately it's begin to occur to me that I'm doing some things that are hot topics and full of controversy. I never realized how some of the choices I am making would be so controversial. For instance, co-sleeping. I co-slept with all my kids to some extent. I don't remember with Kylie but Lexie and Sophie would only sleep when they were super tiny if they were cuddled up to me. Sophie I remember well because I actually slept with her in the crook of my arm. I would wake up sweaty and stiff but I HAD SLEPT and that was most important. With breastfeeding Ezra co-sleeping is pretty much mandatory. I don't see how people breastfeed and don't sleep with their babies. I get so much sleep because I feed him in the side lying position (where we both lay down and I stick a boob in his mouth) and we both never wake up good, lol. I mean I'm smart about it. Foy and I have to have separate blankets because if we both pull up our sides then it goes over his head. He sleeps cuddled up to my boob and not near Foy. I am acutely aware of him all night. If he even moves I wake up.

Anyways, I mentioned the co-sleeping to my MIL and she instantly popped back with how dangerous it was. And I said I don't think it is and she said well tell those people going to jail for it in Lufkin. Google it so I don't have to go into it if you don't already know the story. It made national news. Well, I think co-sleeping was unfairly put on trial. I think that there were drugs, unsafe cosleeping habits and perhaps even foul play (as in they did something on purpose) involved. I hate that the trial put co-sleeping on trial. It is getting bad rep when it's good. It's good for the parents and good for the baby. Babies like to be close to their Mama's at night. They like to feel cuddled and protected. Mother's like to be close to their babies. It helps your breast-feeding relationship also. The more you have that baby cuddled up to your boob then the better your milk will come in. I haven't had any problems with milk supply other than mine taking til day 5 to appear.

I honestly want to have more babies just so I can breastfeed them and cloth diaper them. I LOOOOOVE breastfeeding. WHY didn't I do this with my other kids??? Because I wasn't properly educated and supported. Who knew pediatricians knew so little about breastfeeding! I got by with support from a lactation consultant and my online group. They were both indispensable. It's so easy, lol. I just pop a boob in when he's hungry. I am so fascinated with my ability to make freaking milk. I MAKE MILK, I MAKE MILK, I MAKE MILK. I love it. Sometimes when he's eating he'll get fussy and I'll squeeze my nipple to see if he's emptied that boob or what's going on and sometimes it will squirt him in the face and I get thrilled all over again. I make FREAKING MILK. Milk for a human baby. Not cow's milk. I don't make milk for a cow. I make milk that's especially formulated by my freaking body for MY baby. Why would anyone do anything else? I look at him. At all his deliciousness and I feel so proud. I did THIS. I made it (well, it's half my DNA), I incubated it, I grew it and I am sustaining it with fattening booby milk. I effin' kick ass. I was cuddling him and told Foy this and he said, hey I did something. PHEW,  are you kidding me? You had sex...once...for a freaking minute. I grew it and I'm feeding it. I AM ROCKIN' THIS. I love how when he hasn't eaten in awhile I will feel uneasy and I can't quit put my finger on why but then he'll wake up and he'll start eating and I'll feel such a feeling of relief and peace just wash over me. It wasn't always this way. Let down has made me itch in the past (weird, but true)...it hurt when he latched on sometimes at the beginning though no bleeding or cracked nipples or stuff people talk about. Even with his tongue tie his latch was never that bad. But now I feel peaceful and relieved when he eats. I feel anxious and full, lol, when he doesn't eat for awhile.

Reasons to breastfeed:
1. You make special formulated milk for your baby. No formula company can compare as a unique mixture as you can. It will change as your baby grows..and as his need changes.
2. You pass antibodies on to your child. THIS IS FANTASTIC. Your kids get a cold, you get one too...your body makes antibodies that you pass on to the baby and he never gets it. That is so....miraculous.
3. Formula has bug parts in it. Yep, that's right folks. You know that chocolate has them right. Well, anything made in a factory does. So fill up that bottle and have some bugs!
4. It's easier. Seriously, when we take a trip I have to gather diapers and wipes and an extra set of clothes...but wait, food, check. It's that easy. It's always there and it's always ready and at the perfect temp. From my body temp straight to his. As it was meant to be.
5. My breast milk is so easily digested by his body. Formula sits in a babies tummy like a rock. That's why they feel full faster and longer..believe me, it is not intended and it is not good. Breastmilk is digested easily and quickly and little is wasted. It is almost impossible for a breastfeed baby to be overweight. My milk is perfectly calculated and his body uses what it needs so easily and passes what it doesn't as easily. Perfect system as intended.
6. My breast milk is full of bacteria. Over 30 kinds. The good bacteria. That is good for him and special to me, him, our house and our family. These bacteria haven't even been fully explored by science. If say, you put your breast milk in a bottle with e.coli (yep, that bad stuff) then my milk will actually REDUCE the e.coli within 2 hours. I can make things healthier with my breast milk! Which brings me to my next point.
7. You can treat things like eye infections, ear infections and sinus infections with breast milk. His little penis got a red tip the other day (turns out it was just irritation and his foreskin doing it's job) and I squired breast milk on it, yes I did. It's great for all sorts of boo boos. Do you know science calls it liquid gold? They actually prescribe it to cancer patients. MY milk does the body good, not a cow's milk.
8. I won't even regal you with tales of the virgin gut of babies or the blood/brain barrier but google that and learn something new.

I am SO happy I am feeding him breast milk and with all my heart I wish I had fed this to my girls BUT not doing it is just something that I have to forgive myself for. I can't dwell on what I didn't do. And I have to change what I know now is not the right thing to the right thing. Know better, do better. I didn't know better and I did what I thought was best. That made me a good parent. But I know NOW what is better and I will do better for my son.

Also, I would like to add. DON'T trust your pediatricians word when it comes to breast feeding (actually don't trust him/her on anything...research it for yourself). They are schooled so little on it. I am always surprised at how little they know about the subject. Breast feeding can be dumbed down to one rule...SUPPLY AND DEMAND. Let that baby suck anytime and all the time and the proper amount of milk will be made JUST FOR HIM..or her.

Also about my hubby. He LOOOVES that I breastfeed. You want to turn a man on? Feed his child with your body. Birth that child with your body. That is sexy. How can they not respect that kind of work and commitment? Foy may not be sexually turned on when I feed our son (it would be seriously creepy if he was) but he is all kinds of in love with me. He brags to strangers about my breastfeeding and our cloth diapering, lol. He thinks I rock...even when he doesn't say so I see the love in his eyes when he looks at our son eating him some milkies. :')

Since this has turned into a long post I will save my INTACT (I have a whole baby!) rant and vaccination rant for another post, haha. Also all my other crunchy thoughts. Hell before I'm done I might not even wear makeup anymore..what what?

Friday, June 15, 2012

I forgive myself.

I don't have time to post all the things I forgive myself for but here is a starter list:

I forgive myself for not breastfeeding my other 3 children.
I forgive myself for not researching vaccines...for not researching enough about anything.
I forgive myself for not knowing better. Know better, do better.
I forgive myself for being fat. I forgive myself for not caring that I'm fat.
I forgive myself for not having sex with my husband in.....2 or 3 months now? It's been awhile.
I forgive myself for being a shitty housekeeper.
I forgive myself for failing my children sometimes.
I forgive myself for being loud and judgmental and bitchy.
......to be continued.

This is ME standing my motherfucking ground.

I'm like a Wyoming tree. I have endured winds that blow harder than you and I'm still standing.

You think I managed the adversity in my life by giving a good goddamn what other's think. **I** gotta live with me in the morning. I don't gotta live with you. I want to like myself. Believe me there have been some decisions that I made that I had to live with that did not make me like myself...and having went down that road...you won't see me on it again. At the end of the day, I will be own woman. If I have convictions, opinions, stories....whatever I have that you don't like...I don't give a damn. I haven't let myself care what others think in years. I get hurt..oh yeah, just like the next girl but that ain't gonna change me. I won't say it cuz you need to hear it. I won't say I'm wrong if I don't think I am. This may make me stubborn and unpopular but **I** will like myself in the morning. This blog has caused me heartache. It's been misquoted, misconstrued and mistaken. It seems to make people slightly neurotic..they suddenly think I'm talking to or about them when this blog is MY neurosis. It's about ME. It's even caused problems at my husband's job..(yep believe it) but you see it here? You see me talking? You see me writing? I will not be silenced. It will take a lot more than some people not liking what I have to say to change me. There is a reason my blog isn't private and I can never seem to reconcile myself making it so. Here I am. Like it or lump it, love me or hate me, talk about me or keep your piehole shut..disagree with everything that comes out of my mouth or not, read it or ignore it...I AM HERE. Get use to it bitches.

** This post was in my drafts from awhile back and at the time I was too angry to actually post it. I decided maybe I should cool off and think about it. This was ages ago and now I just kinda like what I said here and felt like sharing.

*** Show me someone who always feels the same way about everything. I'm emotional. I'm human. I'm silly and I'm stupid and I try to be funny sometimes. And I like to have friends and I like to take things as lightly as possible. I have many faults and I try to embrace them and make them part of my charm. I forgive myself. That most importantly.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

I miss you.

I miss my friends. Especially the ones I could talk boobs, intact questions, baby wearing (I cannot seem to get down bfing in one..I think it's the huge boobs. And I don't know why he doesn't like the Moby and I need to watch some videos on the ring sling cuz we need help with that one)  and fluff butts with...and I'm considering Mama cloth (I never NEVER thought I would go there but I think once you do the cd thing then it's not such a huge step to think of doing other reusable things. Not that I need that yet. Bfing seems to be keeping it at bay.) and unpaper towels. And hyena cart.

My kids miss their friends. Just when I think they've forgotten I'll see some letter they wrote to them or some way they included them in something they were doing..in an imaginary way of course. Kylie signed their names to her year book.

I don't know if we can be friends again and I don't know how to ask. I'm afraid of rejection. I don't really wanna open up old wounds and revisit any of that..not in a negative way anyways..maybe in a healing way.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Boob pacifier: woman without need of artificial nipple

I just had someone refer to me as a boob pacifier. It pissed me off. The term pisses me off...especially from someone who is only being resentful because they couldnt stick out the breastfeeding. Let's call it what it really is..yes, I am a woman who can pacify her baby without an artificial nipple. Yep, that's me. In fact my baby won't take an artificial nipple, believe me, I tried. He was not fooled by it. And yeah, when he cries no matter the reason I give him boob. He doesn't suck on me all night. He eats and then drops my nipple out of his mouth. He does like a boob to go to sleep but he can go without it. I find nothing wrong with being able to make him happy by whipping out a boob. I wish it had been this easy with my formula fed kids. I wish feeding had been this easy. Traveling even is SOO much easier. Not having to pack bottles, water and formula and having to worry about them running out is awesome. I pack so little to go. When we leave the house for groceries or what not I just make sure we have a couple diapers, a couple wipes, my nursing cover and an extra set of clothes. Food is always fresh, available and THE perfect temperature.