Walls Don't Make For Close Friends

"The difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist laughs to forget, but a pessimist forgets to laugh." Tom Bodett

I found this quote when I was looking for one about the person in the room laughing the hardest is the one crying inside....I don't know it exactly...couldn't find it. But this one sorta gets my meaning across.

I'd like to mention my disclaimer before I start. The many faces of me and all that jazz...

People think cuz I storm through life trying to get laughs or being the loudest, dressing the loudest, looking like I'm having the most fun doesn't mean I don't deal like everyone else. I just camoflouge better than the next gal. I do lead a blessed life but I have my own burdens to bear...so just know when I make it look easy and I work harder to push you away might be when I need people the most. I'm self-destructive like that. :/

I really think that motivating myself has something to do with my life. I spend A LOT of time telling myself I'm Superwoman and I'm resilient and I don't need ANYONE and I'm gonna be ok NO MATTER what, that I move through life believing it and never letting my guard down to see otherwise. I'm SO independent that sometimes I push potential friends away without meaning too. I have to look like I don't need anybody so much that people start to believe me...

I told one of my friends recently that she seemed "approachable yet untouchable" and maybe I was talking about myself a little. I'm so friendly but so many times when it comes to real intimacy I shy away, push away. But I guess that's cuz I've spent so much of my life taking care of myself and those around me...I've had to trim the fat, lose those people that I couldn't carry cuz I can only carry so much. I had to worry about what I could change and forget about what I couldn't . Life has hardened me. I had to build a wall to protect myself and unfortunately it usual succeeds in alienating me from people more than I intend.

I'm not telling you this so you feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for myself. *chanting my mantra* I'm just trying to delve into my own psyche. Explain something to you and work it out for myself I guess. I AM happy...I just regret that lack of intimate friends sometimes. Though I will say that the playgroup I belong to has a great group of women that I love getting to know more and more. :)