So I've been spending a lot of time weighing the important question of wether to have another child or not. It's never a question I've taken lightly...bringing another child into the world and specifically into my life deserves all of my grave attention. Of course this decision probably predominantly effects me but secondarily of course my husband so he gets some say so in the matter as well. But when I asked him (one of the times because I've been bringing it up a lot lately) he said, "I don't really care or feel strongly one way or the other...it effects you more than me.". Though, reader, I just pretty much confessed the same thing it was confusing to hear it actually come out of his mouth. Mainly because I've been putting a lot of thought and time into this decision and ultimately together it is one of the most important decisions we will ever make.

I am getting older. 32 in January. The girls are moving on to new phases, new things, new chapters...I want to be the best Mother I can be and when I try to put my feelings aside (Do **I** want another baby or not?) and just think of them...what would benefit them and be completely honest...I don't think it's beneficial to them to have another sibling. Sometimes I look at my little family and feel so complete. Actually I almost always feel that way. Complete.

I want to spend my time coaching, cultivating, watering, encouraging and being the best Mom I can be to the flowers already in my garden. I want to expand all my energies on to helping them, cultivating them...to be the best women they can be. Having another child is honestly less money and less time to go around...less one on one time. I love my children so dearly and I LOVE spending time with them.

It could be that I never ache for time away from them because I have such an amazing, supportive husband. I never have to be happy my children are gone because he allows me (or I demand) that time when I need it and he's always been wonderful to comply. He thinks men should take an active, involved role in taking care of their children. I think a lot of his willingness to help comes from the fact that in the first 18 months or so of K's life...because of our job schedules you would have probably said he was the predominant care giver. He's always been so amazing and such a wonderful father.

I don't know...I still haven't made the final decision on having more children though this blog may sound like I have. I do feel I'm getting to the age where my biological clock is ticking rather loudly...but I don't want to rush a decision or make one for the wrong reasons.

I have a healthy marriage, a supportive family, I'm a SAHM so I CAN devote my full attention to my offspring...and much like people who are crazy never questioning they are crazy...probably the fact that I can voice the concerns I have means I am aware of them and can make wise choices should I decide to have another child. I would make sure I had the time, energy, attentiveness that I needed to give each child..

Do you or don't you?

Why is it the shower or while I'm driving down the road or when I'm talking to someone else that I ge these blog ideas and feel like they would be exactly what I needed to say? Never when I'm sitting down at the iPad to write.

I don't know if I've mentioned it but I belong to a playgroup...mostly that I enjoy. But (without naming names) this chick was recently "kicked out" cuz some of the members used words like "stalker", "aggressive", "addict"...in conjunction with her. Her son was called "abusive" and some members even said they felt uncomfortable attending playgroup with her and her child there. Now, this person wasn't a fav of mine but I was honest with her about our particular issues and felt we had closed the deal as aquantinces and she got where I was coming from. She wasn't keeping me from playgroup nor did I feel "threatened" by her. BUT for the safety of the group...the owner and mods decided to tell her she wasn't welcome to attend anymore because of the sheer volume and seriousness of complaints. Two letters went out...one being signed with the mods names (including mine). Well understandably the chick was upset and unfriended me, the owner and another mod. Now I'm all good to go up to here....but THEN some of the VERY people that had been THE most outspoken in their complaints about her remain on her FB friends list.

I get called things....that insinuate that I'm a bad friend, that I'm two faced...and honestly now I feel a little bit bad cuz now this chick (who remember I had no REAL issues with) thinks I'm a total b**** when the "friends" on her friends list are really the problem.

I try to be honest with myself....and that means you blog and I think I AM a good friend. As long as I'm there and I choose to be your friend I can be the best one....when I don't want to be your friend or have a problem then I am honest about that too. Even though people may not like that about me...its what makes me NOT two faced. I lose face with myself as long as I proceed in a game of pretend and maybe even worse...I lose face with other people.

Now these so-called "friends" of hers...and for that matter mine have me wondering. If you'll use words like "stalker" and "aggressive" about her and then pretend to be her friend to her face...won't you do the same thing to me? Now those are definitely not the kind of friends I want or need.

And this is not to be confused....can I have aquantances? Yes. Can I be civil to people that I don't just love? Yes. After all I am an ADULT. But I think people have a right to know where they stand. And also that's not saying I love EVERY. LITTLE. THING. about my friends. I mean yeah...even the ones I like annoy me occasionally. It would be highly irregular if they didn't but airing an annoyance doesn't mean I use words like "stalker" and "threatened" in conjunction with someone and still invite them to my parties.

I guess you could say I walk on the right or I walk on the left....but I hate those who are trying to straddle the fence.

Recipe

If I could take every life experience, book, movie, lesson I learned and sift them all around and pick out the bad ones or re-organize them so some of them come at a softer time then I would do all that for my kids. Sometimes I think and hope and try to do the good things from my childhood and I try to subtract all the bad and then I never know if I'm quite getting the recipe right.