To My Girls:

Most people when they have children start worrying about their children. What if something happens? What if they lose them? What if they get sick? I mean, I worry like any other parent but for some reason ever since I had my first daughter I've had this ...well, I guess all I can call it is a premonition...that I wasn't going to live long enough for my girls to remember me. I've considered this at length. I've tried to decide if that makes me a selfish person, busy considering her own death instead of contemplating the death of others. All I can think about when I think about dying while my children are young is 'will they remember me?', 'what will they remember?','what will my family tell them about me?','what will Foy tell them about me?','will another woman be a mother to my children?','will she love them like I would?','I want them to have another mother, don't I? Even if it can't be me.'

I've always wanted to start a diary to tell them all the things that they may not remember about me. All the things they may not know about themselves as children. Well, since a blog is like a diary, I've considered starting a seperate blog with letters addressed to my children about our days together. About all the things I want to say to them NOW and things I want to say to them when they are grown. Here is the first letter:

Dear Kylie and Lexie,

Today you watched a movie and played with your ponies, your polly pockets and your Barbie Dolls. Today we had cinnamon toast for breakfast (which is one of your favs cuz Mom piles on the sugar) and for lunch we had sandwiches. Kylie, you love peanut butter and jelly, something you got from your Dad cuz I hate jelly. Lexie is like Mom. She prefers meat and cheese with mustard of course. Kylie, when you wake up in the morning, you love to get into bed with me and cuddle. You like a cuddle anytime. You say the sweetest things without any provacation. You are never mean and you have a heart of gold. Lexie, you like to hide your soft center behind a hard exterior, much the way I have always been. You want to be loved and cuddle but you make me work for it. When you get to the soft center, you melt like chocolate and make my heart break. I hope you learn, like I did, to let your softness show to those you love and those that love you. You never know when you may see them for the last time. One of my life lessons that I had to learn the hard way is how brief life is and how quickly it can be cut short. I'm going to keep chippin' away at you. I want to make sure you both know at every turn that one thing will never change. I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. My love is unconditional and will endure anything. I will be angry with you sometimes and at the very most you may disappoint me. But I will love you, support you, help you and be there for you every step of the way. Lord knows, I have made lots of mistakes and done lots of stupid things and how hypocritical would I be, to condemn you for the mistakes that you will make. We all make mistakes--just learn from them. And if you could learn from OTHER peoples mistakes, well if we all could, how great would that be.

I love to watch ya'll play pretend.
I love to hear your little voices.
I love Lexie's happy dance. (It looks kinda like the chicken dance and the twist.lol)
I love your kisses and your hugs.
I love the way you love bedtime stories.
I love the way you always look out for one another and when push comes to shove, you stick up for one another.
I love the way you act like I've been gone for years when I just ran to the store.
I love seeing your faces light up.
I love all your faces (your sad ones, your happy ones, your surprised ones).
I love the way you never meet a stranger and believe in the good in everyone.
I love how independent you are.
I love being needed by you.
I love the way you love music (like I do)
I love to hear you sing.

I try to tell you these things every day. I try to tell you how lucky I feel to be your Mom. To have been blessed with you, with this time I've had with you. I try to tell you how wonderful you are, how special ..everyday. I don't want to hold these things into myself or keep them a secret, like you shouldn't know. My love is no secret. I'm not ashamed by it. I feel no need to hide how smart and sweet I think you are. I want to yell it from the rooftops. I want you to know how special you are so you will never devalue yourselves. I know that I can't SPOIL my children by telling them I love them and how wonderful they are. I can't spoil them by loving them too much. There's no such thing.

I love you girls.

Mommy