She's Engaged, Death and the Weight of Parenthood

Sometimes your kids hit you with so much heavy shit in one day you feel like screaming "Give me a break. Could we deal with one major life occurence at a time instead of all in one day?".

Today Kylie announced that she always wanted to live with me and her Dad because she loved us and never wanted to be away from me. While I was possibly considering the option that we would have a child live with us FOREVER..lol, I went ahead and agreed that she should never move out. Lord knows she'll change her mind about this soon enough and I can think of alot worse things than Kylie being my little girl and living with me forever. Well, then she said she had decided who she was going to marry. I realized that that is why she brought up living with me forever and I was glad I told her she could. Well, this boy is in the frog class in her preschool. I told her she had lots of time to consider lots of other boys and she insisted she wasn't going to change her mind. I asked her why she wanted to marry this boy and she said because he protects her when ppl pretend to be dragons and because he's nice to her. Well, at least she didn't say because he's cute. I can think of alot worse reasons to marry a boy than because he protects you and he's nice....

Later, she suddenly asked if Baby Sophie (the baby I'm pregnant with) was going to die the same time as her. Wow, she's always hitting me with the hard stuff. I said no, probably not. That it was going to be a LONG time before she died, a LONG time before Lexie died and a LONG time before Sophie died and they might not die at the same time but it wasn't something she needed to worry about because it was a LONG LONG time away. We've talked about death before. I wanted her to be ready in case someone close to her in our family or her school or one of our friends died. My in-laws are fairly old and my grandmother, her great-grandmother, is 87 so I wanted her to understand death ..well, as much as a 4-year old can but sometimes I worry that she worries too much about it.

Being a parent is so hard sometimes. You have to know exactly the right moment to talk about these heavy issues. You want to protect them. You want to make sure they never experience death of a loved one but you can't, you can't always protect them no matter how much you try so you try to prepare them for those times when you can't protect them but I worry. Am I saying the right things? Am I explaining stuff in the right way? I don't want to burden her with issues before she's ready but I don't want to wait until it's too late and leave her open and unprepared. The weight of parenthood...

I'M HUMAN

My mom likes to tell this story about when I was younger..maybe 3 or 4. There was this little boy who would come visit with his mom and he would tease me. Mom says he would pull my pigtails and block the tv, among other things. She said she finally told me one time before they visited that if I didn't stand up for myself and retaliate I was going to be in trouble with her. She said sure enough the boy came over and he pulled my pigtail first thing and so she said unlike any child she knew instead of retaliating in a childish way I turned and spatted him on the leg as if I was his mother and I was punishing him for bad behavior. The boys mother started to say something to me and my mother intervened and said she told me to do it and that from now on I was going to retaliate when he teased me and she said I went to my room and cried. I don't think I remember this incident. Sometimes I think I do but then I think I'm probably just remembering the story because she's told it to me before. But I do know why I cried. It's my personality. I hate conflict. I hate drama. I hate to hurt people. I've always been that way and I may always be that way. Now, when ppl come into my life that cause drama or conflict I resolve it this way--I cut them out of my life. I have more tolerance for those I love. I will endure a fight with them or drama because they are my family but if it's a friend--especially a new friend--then I have only one remedy that always works--I IGNORE. Until you've been ignored by me, you haven't known the true feeling of being ignored. I simply cut you out of my life. No more calls, text, meetings, playdates or contact of any kind. I would never be rude directly to your face or even to other ppl about you but I never will contact you or directly engage you in anyway. I have no patience for explanations or feelings on your part. I'm done. I may never even tell you why. I know this can be heartless of me and maybe even cowardly but it's the way I do things and I've found it works best but having said this, I don't have alot of friends and especially any close ones so maybe this approach isn't working but I'm not changing it anytime soon. It might even be unhealthy. I might be supressing anger or hurt. Maybe I think by denying it--that it isn't there. I'm not sure. I'll save the psycho-analysis for the experts and just stick with the facts. This is how I handle conflict or unpleasant situations and I will continue to do it this way...

Having said this, I do not like to tease or hurt ppl. I've endured too much of both so I know what it feels like and I would never intentionally hurt someone unless I was defending myself. I use to almost physically be incapable of hurting someone either emotionally or physically but in my old age, I developed a hard skin and for ppl who want to impose theirselves on me and mine or make my life difficult if the only way to get rid of ppl like that is to be plain and hurt them then I will. I have a soft heart and because of that I've learned to protect it with a steel plate.

I have many faults. I think maybe I'm too self-absorbed. I'm brutal when it comes to making sure me and my family get what we need. I'm probably too image-oriented. I worry about "keeping up with the Jones'" like the song says. I can be snobby but that's mostly just to hide my insecurities. People think I'm being standoffish but I'm just really protecting my soft heart.

There are lots of good things about me as well. I am generous to a fault. I love giving gifts and I'll help you out in a heartbeat. I love kids of all ages. I give good sound advice and I won't judge you on your past mistakes. Luckily, I've made so many mistakes that it makes me capable of forgiving anyone their past. I'm honest to a T. I don't lie even to make you feel better, so some ppl like this about me and some don't. Most ppl don't want brutal honesty even if they say they do. I'm a safe haven in a storm when your ready for good, sound advice. I have a level head and hardly make a move without thinking it through before-hand. I have a spontaneous side. I love to have fun, dance and sing. I'm not too harsh with my children cuz childhoods were made for laughter and good clean fun. I'm slow to anger. I don't share my drama, which can be seen as good or bad. It's part of the part where ppl think I'm standoffish but it's because I guess you'd rather not see me air my dirty laundry but if you asked me a direct question, I would air what I thought was relevant. I have done things in my past that I am ashamed of but I am not ashamed.

I guess what I'm trying to say is : I'M HUMAN.