Loss, even if we impose the loss for protection, hurts

This month the topic at church is 'Loss'. That's almost an overwhelming subject from the get-go. Of course the first thing that comes to mind is loss through the death of a loved one. There are many kinds of loss though.

The first to occur to myself was the loss of my Mother. You could say that it is a self-imposed loss so less relevant but I would disagree.

 Deciding to cut off my relationship with my Mother to protect myself after years of physical, mental, and emotional abuse is one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I mourn the loss of that relationship much like someone would mourn the death of a loved one. She is alive but our relationship has ended. With the realization of how truly awful my upbringing was and with the subsequent healing journey I've been going through I have also mourned my childhood. I have mourned the childhood I did not have. I have mourned the ways that I had to change because of her. I have mourned the stunted emotional development. I have mourned what could have been and tried to find a path of what is now. I have felt denial. I have denied that it THAT bad. I have tried to see the good and make it so large that the bad didn't exist. I (This one is a bit funny.) have even tried to deny I was her child. I remember in my childhood and even as a teenager thinking that I was going to suddenly be sat down for a solemn talk and told that I was adopted from a lovely family. It was a fantasy of mine. I am angry. I am still angry often. I don't know if I'm even past this stage. I'm past my initial anger I guess. I don't know who I'd bargain with. I may have tried to strike a bargain with myself in the past that something I did would make this relationship ok. If I just ignored this much or avoided the phone this much or just came to her house for this long that everything would be fine and she'd be normal and it would all be ok. I'm absolutely certain I have depressive episodes. I don't know that I'm never not depressed by the whole situation. I do not believe whatever stages may be lingering that I have yet met acceptance. It seems to accept this means to forgive or deny or somehow undermine what has been the most life changing relationship of my life. I cannot deny the damage and I cannot accept her or it. I'm pretty certain I need therapy.

I just wanted to address loss and the many ways and things we can feel a feeling of loss about. I mourn a relationship that I chose to end. I mourn a loss of a childhood that I never really had.

First Unitarian Universalist Church of San Antonio

I was procrastinating a counselor when I stumbled into UU. In my case it's a First Unitarian Universalist Church in San Antonio.

As some of you may know me and religion haven't often got along. I was forced to be Pentecostal growing up and it was never my choice. As soon as I turned 18 I vowed to never attend. I liked to say that I had enough religion in those 18 years to fill up my religion meter. In my head and to others I still said that I 'believed' in God, but not religion. A few years later I admitted maybe I was more spiritual than necessary believing and finally about a year or 18 months ago I started to embrace I was an atheist. From then it was a quick jump to really what I feel is I am an anti-theist since I really feel religion is mostly harmful.

I don't remember where I first heard of UU (I think maybe a freethinkers group.) but it sounded like something I may enjoy for the community. Oh wait, it was Karen who first introduced me. She was an atheist and said she enjoyed the community there. She described it as sort of a church for atheist. My curiosity was peaked but I didn't feel I missed the community.

I decided to check it when feeling particularly lost about my marriage. Sunday morning would be one less minute I would be stuck in this house with my husband so why not try it. From the minute I walked onto their campus I was rather happy. I also perused their website before I went and felt it was welcoming (especially the part about being late since I'm rarely on time). They don't have Sunday School as much as they have discussions. It felt like THESE ARE MY PEOPLE from the moment I sat in my first group. You can speak or listen. They discuss things pertaining to what makes us good people or how we could go good people or things about our human nature that are faulty and frail and we have to accept people anyways.

I can't say that in the 6 weeks I've been there I haven't had a hiccup or two. I have disagreed with a thing here or there but for the most part (95% at least) I have felt like this was a home for me.

I knew going in that THE most important factor was that it be voluntary. That every class, every second, every offering, every motion be 100% on my terms..not one single act was I going to follow through with that I didn't first question why and what happens if I don't.

I refuse to embrace an all encompassing way of doing things or an ideology that I didn't 100% agree with.

Some of the first things that attracted me to UU is that they accept EVERYONE. They make a special effort to accept the entire LGBTQ+ community with open arms. Not just accept but reach out to in love. That was important to me.

Another thing was ideology. They don't promote there is one god or one way and also it is well known that there is a large atheist community here at this one. They also have a coven and celebrate some things like Spring Equinox and the other pagan holidays. The first couple I met as a newcomer (in the newcomer meeting) was a polyamory couple. They brought their partners the second time they came.

UU strives to be inclusive in their use of pronouns and 'partner' and they are welcoming to the differently abled from special programs to making themselves super accessible.

I also liked that the very first meeting I attended they were giving the offering (which I learned they do once a month to different special worthy organizations) to PFLAG and today they gave it to No Más Muertes. It makes me feel good to be a part of a community that cares for others and each other.

Everyone goes out of their way to speak to me and I have had MANY riveting conversations that I can't imagine having anywhere else.

They have an excellent sex ed program where they talk about REAL sex issues with the young people and not just abstinence. Today the middle schooler class did FUUnd lunch and gave the proceeds to the San Antonio Humane Society. It's a GOOD place. They do GOOD things.

Now I won't go into detail about the hiccups right now. I may address them later but today I want to talk about todays sermon. It's been on my mind. I love the sermons. I could skip all the church-y singing and the phrase 'stand in body or spirit' (my body stays seated because I don't understand why I have to stand, I need a good reason and then I'll decide if I am) but I like giving to the offering and sometimes the music is better and I wouldn't miss the sermon.

Today she discussed prayer. I had no idea where SHE was going with this. That's right it's a woman (I love that.) Rev. Dr. Maureen Killoran. It was a weird topic since as a whole UU stays away from the 'p word'. I loved where it went though. I still don't like the p word and think I like a much better word for it like connection to our universe and ourselves and each other. That's sounds better than the p word, lol but I get why it's longer. Here is a copy of her sermon. 16 short minutes but from disbelief to understanding is where I went. I left feeling bigger, expanded somehow (and it wasn't just the lunch). I still haven't decided to 'become a member'. For one, it's been 6 weeks and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I don't feel fully...involved. Secondly, I'm not sure I will. Much like a marriage license, drivers license, social security card...I'm tired of all these ties that bind or cards that identify me. I just want to ...BE.