A Mother's Love

My MIL came to visit and when she did she told me she saw my Mother in Walmart. My body betrayed me in that moment and I felt a little thrill that I was going to get news. What I knew in that moment is no matter how much I can assure myself that the best thing is not having contact with her, that I will continue to miss and mourn her, and that I will be sad. 

She told me that my Mom told her I was in a cult. This isn't the first time I heard this since she also told my cousin this at my Grandma's birthday party that I purposefully missed because of her. A fucking cult. I kid you not. I really don't know what part of my life she feels is cultish. I feel like she may think being an intactivist was joining a cult which is hilarious but I really think she's scared by the changes she saw in me after that. I've been on a life changing journey of acceptance of myself and others, of love of myself and others...Yes, I have changed. I stopped hitting my kids. I've mostly stopped yelling. I decided I was an atheist. I started attending a Unitarian Universalist Church. 

I feel like I'm closer to being the person I was always meant to be. I feel like this awakening would have happened sooner if she hadn't been such a destructive force in my life. 

What happened was that I woke up and realized that she was abusive and that remaining in a relationship with her was toxic. I learned to love myself and to take care of myself and to decide that is not what is best for me and my children. 

What I find really funny is that started spreading these rumors about me and trying to take my sister's kids only after my sister confronted her about our abusive childhoods and why she would kick our brother out of the house. When confronted and asked to account for herself she turned to slander against me and Erica. She's an evil person..

and she's my Mother. It's so very complicated. 

I cried. Great big crushing tears, body shaking, ugly crying on Foy's shoulder. I didn't mean to. I went to tell him and his Mom had already told him. I just started crying. The truth is I wish I could cry more. Some part of me wants to fall into a giant hole of depression but I won't because I have these kids and I have UU and I have purpose.

 I am loved by someone. I am worthy of respect. I am deserving of all the good things. 

When the one person who is suppose to love you doesn't then telling yourself these things is so important. 

Better Mother, Acceptable Wife

I wish these things for myself.

Seriously.

I just happened upon this blog and she said exactly what I've been thinking lately...but she said it better and with better pictures.

I want a blog with bright, cheery, quirky pics of my kids...and brutal honestly that comes out in my writing. I want insight, depth and the right words to fall in my lap.

I swear if it kills me I will write a better blog.

And my poor husband. I feel like some days I suck at both but if one part gets shorted...it's definitely the wife part. I'm even a better friend lately than I am wife. It seems like so often my love gets pushed to last place and I need to do better. I will do better!

And I will improve my blog too. Less drama, more meat. I have a unique voice and I will use it to express myself in a way that I'm proud. I WILL.

The Monster You Created Doesn't Need You. I Pronounce You Unfit.

Don't like the monster you created? Too bad!

My parents are both kinda mad at me right now. We'll start with my Dad. He called me on the first or second day I got to Texas and said he'd like to see me and the girls and wanted to know what my plans were. I told him the minimal ones I had and he said he'd get back with me. He called the two days before I was leaving. I had plans for the next day and I was leaving the very next day SO needless to say, we didn't get to see him but honestly I didn't give a rats ass. I don't blame him for my childhood....or for my parents getting a divorce. God knows they should have divorced sooner but he did the best he could. He worked hard and was a good provider. What I DO blame him for comes down to one statement he made after the divorce. I said "I don't blame u for divorcing Momma but you didn't have to divorce us kids." And he said, "I just can't deal with her. If I have any contact with her like getting the kids from her then she'll make my life hell. I just can't have ANY contact with her." SO to sum it up....he hated my Mom so much that he deserted his kids and ran from everything. He abandoned us to her...well, my siblings because I was already out of the house at that point. Since then he's not had much to do with us. And so...that's why I don't go out of my way to make an effort to see him. Why should I? My Mom is mad cuz she called me one day last week about some of her drama and I was sick and honestly just NOT in the mood and she called me several times and finally that night I called her around 830 and she didn't answer (to my relief). I went to bed and she called at 945 but I had my ringer off cuz I was sleeping and she kinda left me a mad message. Well, subtle mad....I know my Mom so I know when she's mad. I called her at like 930 the next morning and no answer and we haven't spoken since. Honestly, she has the MOST drama and in some ways we are so different (a lot more alike than I like some too). Most of the time I can deal but that day I was sick...I was hibernating and was not in the mood and she should have respected that. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm too rough on her in my blog. She did cook my meals, buy and wash my clothes, make sure I got to school everyday...to some people I guess she'd be a gem of a Mom but she was abusive, violent. She couldn't deal with her anger quietly or fairly. She hit, kicked, throwed..she pulled my hair, slapped me. Ok, this wasn't where I was going. I'm trying to say that....compared to some Moms she was probably awesome but that still don't make what she did right. You see?

I pay for her Internet. I got her internet so that we could talk on Skype and keep in touch via the Internet and so when I'm down there I can have Internet. The hubs and I had a little....disagreement about this. See, we pay a 250$ a month note on a 4-wheeler that we bought for me but his Dad uses it. I want to pay $30 a month for my Mom some Internet. I told Foy...why does your Dad deserve 250$ and my Mom doesn't deserve 30$? I guess he's use to me talking crap about her but that doesn't change the fact that she raised me and she's my Mom...for better or worse. Family...you can't pick 'em, you just gotta learn to live with them. Needless to say, we pay her Internet. ;)

What I started this blog for is to say....my parents taught me in their own way to care for myself, to be independent, to be cold maybe. They taught me other people are unreliable. It's best to just depend on yourself...cuz really that's the only person you can trust. AND so I'm the monster they created.....deal with it I say to them. Yep, I don't need you. I don't rely you. You are unreliable. I lean elsewhere now.