Unschooling Conference and Gender Pronouns

A lot of things happened at the Unschooling Conference I just attended and I may speak about them here at some point but something weighing on my mind at the moment is this:

I was speaking with another Mother in attendance and I used female pronouns to describe her daughter and the friend she brought with her. The Mother told me that their guest actually preferred male pronouns. I was a bit embarrassed and very happy I had been told. I would prefer to have been told by the Mother than by him. I know I can be hard on myself about pronouns but I so much want to be inclusive and accepting of all transgender or gender queer individuals in whatever part of their journey they are on.

I felt this was a defining moment for me that I've been working up to for awhile.

Another story. I was recently visiting a friend. She rarely posts pics of her children so I wasn't entirely sure of their gender or even how many. When we showed up there were two children, one dressed in pink pants and a brown shirt and the other in a MLP dress. The one in pink pants had shorter hair (mostly because they were younger) and the older in the MLP dress had long hair about to their waist. I referred to them both as 'she' to my children and was corrected by the Mother. The older child was a 'he'. I felt so embarrassed because I of all people support boys having any length hair they would like (as well as girls of course) and not having to wear what our society has deemed suitable for their gender. People who identify as boys should be able to wear a dress when and if they want and still be referred to as 'he' if they wish.

So between these two incidents I spent the rest of the conference working very hard to refer to any children whom I did not hear others refer to with the gender pronouns she and he, as 'they' or 'them' or 'their' or 'the child' or 'the person'.

It really is hard to change your wiring. It's finding a new place in my head not to assume someone is a certain gender because they look to me like a certain gender.

An unschooling conference is the best place to work on this since you are more likely to see non-normative dress and hair styles. Many gender neutral things. Lots of colors being worn by all genders. People who are all accepting of their child and have no subscribed limitations on them.

I think this is very healthy for me to question these things and to learn to speak a new way. To learn to think a new way about gender and how fluid it can be is definitely a change I want to make and I hope to forgive myself (and have others forgive me) for any missteps in my own journey.

First Unitarian Universalist Church of San Antonio

I was procrastinating a counselor when I stumbled into UU. In my case it's a First Unitarian Universalist Church in San Antonio.

As some of you may know me and religion haven't often got along. I was forced to be Pentecostal growing up and it was never my choice. As soon as I turned 18 I vowed to never attend. I liked to say that I had enough religion in those 18 years to fill up my religion meter. In my head and to others I still said that I 'believed' in God, but not religion. A few years later I admitted maybe I was more spiritual than necessary believing and finally about a year or 18 months ago I started to embrace I was an atheist. From then it was a quick jump to really what I feel is I am an anti-theist since I really feel religion is mostly harmful.

I don't remember where I first heard of UU (I think maybe a freethinkers group.) but it sounded like something I may enjoy for the community. Oh wait, it was Karen who first introduced me. She was an atheist and said she enjoyed the community there. She described it as sort of a church for atheist. My curiosity was peaked but I didn't feel I missed the community.

I decided to check it when feeling particularly lost about my marriage. Sunday morning would be one less minute I would be stuck in this house with my husband so why not try it. From the minute I walked onto their campus I was rather happy. I also perused their website before I went and felt it was welcoming (especially the part about being late since I'm rarely on time). They don't have Sunday School as much as they have discussions. It felt like THESE ARE MY PEOPLE from the moment I sat in my first group. You can speak or listen. They discuss things pertaining to what makes us good people or how we could go good people or things about our human nature that are faulty and frail and we have to accept people anyways.

I can't say that in the 6 weeks I've been there I haven't had a hiccup or two. I have disagreed with a thing here or there but for the most part (95% at least) I have felt like this was a home for me.

I knew going in that THE most important factor was that it be voluntary. That every class, every second, every offering, every motion be 100% on my terms..not one single act was I going to follow through with that I didn't first question why and what happens if I don't.

I refuse to embrace an all encompassing way of doing things or an ideology that I didn't 100% agree with.

Some of the first things that attracted me to UU is that they accept EVERYONE. They make a special effort to accept the entire LGBTQ+ community with open arms. Not just accept but reach out to in love. That was important to me.

Another thing was ideology. They don't promote there is one god or one way and also it is well known that there is a large atheist community here at this one. They also have a coven and celebrate some things like Spring Equinox and the other pagan holidays. The first couple I met as a newcomer (in the newcomer meeting) was a polyamory couple. They brought their partners the second time they came.

UU strives to be inclusive in their use of pronouns and 'partner' and they are welcoming to the differently abled from special programs to making themselves super accessible.

I also liked that the very first meeting I attended they were giving the offering (which I learned they do once a month to different special worthy organizations) to PFLAG and today they gave it to No Más Muertes. It makes me feel good to be a part of a community that cares for others and each other.

Everyone goes out of their way to speak to me and I have had MANY riveting conversations that I can't imagine having anywhere else.

They have an excellent sex ed program where they talk about REAL sex issues with the young people and not just abstinence. Today the middle schooler class did FUUnd lunch and gave the proceeds to the San Antonio Humane Society. It's a GOOD place. They do GOOD things.

Now I won't go into detail about the hiccups right now. I may address them later but today I want to talk about todays sermon. It's been on my mind. I love the sermons. I could skip all the church-y singing and the phrase 'stand in body or spirit' (my body stays seated because I don't understand why I have to stand, I need a good reason and then I'll decide if I am) but I like giving to the offering and sometimes the music is better and I wouldn't miss the sermon.

Today she discussed prayer. I had no idea where SHE was going with this. That's right it's a woman (I love that.) Rev. Dr. Maureen Killoran. It was a weird topic since as a whole UU stays away from the 'p word'. I loved where it went though. I still don't like the p word and think I like a much better word for it like connection to our universe and ourselves and each other. That's sounds better than the p word, lol but I get why it's longer. Here is a copy of her sermon. 16 short minutes but from disbelief to understanding is where I went. I left feeling bigger, expanded somehow (and it wasn't just the lunch). I still haven't decided to 'become a member'. For one, it's been 6 weeks and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I don't feel fully...involved. Secondly, I'm not sure I will. Much like a marriage license, drivers license, social security card...I'm tired of all these ties that bind or cards that identify me. I just want to ...BE.

A journey, the Good, the Bad, and mostly just the Human

Sometimes I think I want to go back and read this blog but...it's like reliving some things I'd rather not so I think maybe I wouldn't. It has the power to hurt me. It's a chronicle of my sins, my angst, my troubles, my sorrows...

It is funny to go back and read a few posts though.

So much has happened since then. Seeing how crazy my Mom is and how much I just brushed under the rug. I have always used this blog as a diary of sorts and that has gotten me in all sorts of trouble and there have definitely been things I shouldn't have said, could have said, should have said maybe but it's frail and faulty and mine.

I haven't spoken to my Mother since...November of 2014. That is approximately 6 months. That's the longest we have went without speaking since I first moved out of the house and she disowned me for daring to wear pants, cut my hair, wear makeup, and live my life. This time we stopped speaking for several reasons.

1) She kicked my brother out of his house because she thought he was gay. She sent him to my Dad's where they abused him emotionally and finally physically when they kicked him out of their trailer and he slept in the back of a truck for 2 nights before my Dad finally dropped him off at my sister's trailer and I picked him up there. He's been living with us for 2 years this Fall. He will be 18 June 3rd.

2) She called CPS on my sister for nothing more than a vague suspicion (not of any wrongdoing on my sister but on her current baby daddy) and tried to get her ex to take her to court and take her kid(s) away. She already had this whole plan in her head about how she was going to raise my sisters son.

Let's let that sink in. Now shake it. I'm done with that crazy train. You don't fuck with anyones kid's and CPS unless you have a REAL, very real reason. The end.

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That was the bad news. That's why there is a break there because this is the good news.

Well, this is other news maybe because I'm not sure it's all good.

Almost two years ago I started a journey...a transition of sorts. It was gradual and when I thought I had arrived I hadn't really and it's still happening. I'm not sure anymore where it's going and in some things I feel like I've come full circle but not in all things. It's a journey of discovery, of renewal..a journey that should have happened long ago. Maybe I wasn't ready or I wasn't mature or whatever the reason may be. I have the feeling many people have made this journey before me and many will after me. It's been healing, sometimes hurtful but always informative, and most often about self-discovery.

I was looking into a counselor which I'm still pretty sure is on the books to help me deal with my parent issues, hopefully help me heal so I can be a better parent, and maybe to help with my marriage. You see, as I have made this journey, my husband has not. I feel very different from the person he married in 2002 and I don't know how to be happy with the person he is. I once read that we don't marry once but constantly change who we are as does our partner and have to re-marry and re-marry them over and over. I feel truth in that. This journey has been about truth mostly. My truth, and the truth of others.


I don't see how I can cover a whole journey of this magnitude in just a few blogs so this will be spotty and probably a bit ugly to read but it's really not for anyone but me. It's my journaling...my outlet as always.