Radical reclamation

If you look at me and you think why does she pick unusual hair styles and bright colors, why did she decide not to shave or why is she wearing those clothes, why did she get tattoos and why does she pick that style of clothing? Why does she live there or drive that or have those bumper stickers? Why does she choose to not stand up when she should or not sit down when everyone else is? Why won't she conform?

 If you look at me know I am a survivor of a home of domestic violence and child abuse and that every decision about my body and my lifestyle is another way I reclaim myself. Every time I am authentic to my wants and needs, and every time I use my voice is another rung on a ladder of freedom. 

Every act is one of radical reclamation. Every day is an effort at self love. Every act that is not coerced or pressured is another way I heal. 

Every time I speak up now is for every time my voice was silenced because I was afraid, because I hurt, because I wanted to be safe, because I was forced to pretend things were ok. 

Until you've walked a mile....

Conversation with my daughter over lunch

Me: What did you talk about in your Unitarian Universalist Middle School Club today?
Her *animated*: We talked about gendering toys and colors and how other things are gendered. Some of my friends told stories about how they were discouraged about buying certain toys because of their gender or about how they weren't allowed to wear a suit because girls had to wear dresses in their school choir.
Me: That's a really good topic. It reminds me of our trip to the agriculture museum yesterday. An older man caught me on the porch while you guys and Dad were playing. He said I had 4 girls and I told him Ezra was a boy. I said maybe the long hair or his nail polish was why he though Ezra was a girl. He said oh, get him around some boys and they will start teasing him and he'll learn to stop doing that. I just walked off but the truth is that Ezra or anyone can wear nail polish or have any length hair they want. Those things don't define your gender. Only you can define your gender. This man lived in an age and time when people's worst fear was their kids would 'catch the gay' . They thought you could catch it from nail polish apparently. I don't care if you kids are gay, straight, lesbian, transgender, queer, etc I only want one things for your future and that's your happiness.
Kylie: It's almost like he WANTED Ezra to be bullied for his nail polish.
Me: That's a good way to put it. I agree. That's not kind. No one should ever be bullied, ever. Not for their hair, or nail polish, or clothes or anything.

Me: So today in my Social Justice meeting at church we discussed a few things. One thing was Planned Parenthood. Some of the members got to tour the facility and they said it was very nice.
Her: What is Planned Parenthood?
Me: Oh it's a great place. I went there for STD testing, treatment, pap smears, breast exams, and contraception. If I had needed to they also do abortions. You know I was diagnosed with an STD right after your Dad and I started dating and having sex. We don't know who had it first but we both got treatment from them. They gave me antibiotics for treatment and another bottle to give to my partner to treat his STD. It was a very embarrassing time and I almost just dumped your Dad because telling him we had an STD was not what I wanted to do but that wouldn't have been fair to him. I got tested regularly and he didn't. It's a good thing it got caught. If I had gotten pregnant at that time in my life despite my efforts at birth control I probably would have had an abortion. Honestly, at the stage your Dad and I are right now and because we don't want more kids if I were to get pregnant now I would probably have an abortion.

On the way home in the car.

Her: You know Mama, you have tried to tell me that I'm being stereotypical when I like blond hair or when I don't like country music. You accused me of only wanting those things because of a cultural or society's message and that's not fair. I can like or not like those things because that's how *I* feel.
Me: You are absolutely correct. I apologize. I just know we can internalize messages about blond hair being the best or most beautiful because of our society of systematic racism and I know when I was your age kids that did like country would say they didn't because it was cool to say you didn't at the time. I just want you to be authentic and not feel pressured. I felt pressured about shaving and makeup and it took some self reflection to decide what was not an internalized message of society and what *I* really want.
Her: I get what you are saying about internalized messages. Truthfully I like country music more than I say. I mean I don't like it but it's not super awful.

Loss, even if we impose the loss for protection, hurts

This month the topic at church is 'Loss'. That's almost an overwhelming subject from the get-go. Of course the first thing that comes to mind is loss through the death of a loved one. There are many kinds of loss though.

The first to occur to myself was the loss of my Mother. You could say that it is a self-imposed loss so less relevant but I would disagree.

 Deciding to cut off my relationship with my Mother to protect myself after years of physical, mental, and emotional abuse is one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I mourn the loss of that relationship much like someone would mourn the death of a loved one. She is alive but our relationship has ended. With the realization of how truly awful my upbringing was and with the subsequent healing journey I've been going through I have also mourned my childhood. I have mourned the childhood I did not have. I have mourned the ways that I had to change because of her. I have mourned the stunted emotional development. I have mourned what could have been and tried to find a path of what is now. I have felt denial. I have denied that it THAT bad. I have tried to see the good and make it so large that the bad didn't exist. I (This one is a bit funny.) have even tried to deny I was her child. I remember in my childhood and even as a teenager thinking that I was going to suddenly be sat down for a solemn talk and told that I was adopted from a lovely family. It was a fantasy of mine. I am angry. I am still angry often. I don't know if I'm even past this stage. I'm past my initial anger I guess. I don't know who I'd bargain with. I may have tried to strike a bargain with myself in the past that something I did would make this relationship ok. If I just ignored this much or avoided the phone this much or just came to her house for this long that everything would be fine and she'd be normal and it would all be ok. I'm absolutely certain I have depressive episodes. I don't know that I'm never not depressed by the whole situation. I do not believe whatever stages may be lingering that I have yet met acceptance. It seems to accept this means to forgive or deny or somehow undermine what has been the most life changing relationship of my life. I cannot deny the damage and I cannot accept her or it. I'm pretty certain I need therapy.

I just wanted to address loss and the many ways and things we can feel a feeling of loss about. I mourn a relationship that I chose to end. I mourn a loss of a childhood that I never really had.