Flowers Fill Me with Happiness

I got these flower today with this note accompanying them.

I still have no idea who sent them but I can say they did brighten my day. And humbled me a lot. I feel like  I need to live up to who ever has such high expectations of me! I know I talk big game but I'm always second guessing myself. Just like most parents I'm praying all my mistakes just don't fuck my kids up permanently. I think we all feel under appreciated and I know I do at times and especially lately I've spent lots of time second guessing myself...me and my kids and what kind of parent I am and what kind of  parent I'm not. I never needed the lift up more and I LOVE whoever saw this. It made me a little tearful. Don't surprise a hormonal pregnant woman with a gesture of such sweetness and not expect me to get choked up. The flowers now adorn my table as a centerpiece and they warm my heart every time I look at them...I even cleaned the table and made it pretty for them. :)

Someone mentioned 'pay it forward' and now I think I should so I've spent some time thinking who I would pay it to. I have some ideas but I need more time to think about it. I want it to be someone who is at a point that they REALLY need that lift like I did today and have the last month or two.

Gestures and words like these are the ones that I commit to memory and that moment when I've been kicked (as life is prone to do) then I'll pull up the rolodex recall and remember a moment like this and feel better. So this gesture won't just last for the moment but long after the flowers have died it will still warm my heart and make me a better Mother and person. It will get me through more than one dark time.

Much better...there's always an upside.

For every bit I was bummed a few days ago..I'm that much happy today! We finally had the discussion about what baby stuff we need and how we're gonna buy it and we came up with a plan and I feel very relieved and happy. On the list: monitor, car seat, stroller, bassinet, cloth diapers, pail liner, wet bags (2), laundry detergent, birthing ball and crib bedding. If we have the time and money maybe some clothes but with the giant bag this lady gave us (I forgot how big it was til I pulled it out and it had a ton of blankets and towels also!) and some I found that I forgot that I bought (oopsy) and some my MIL bought we have quite a few already. :D :D

I got some more organizing done in his room today and it makes me happy.

Our plan for the baby items in large part utilizes Babies R Us Great Trade In Event. We figured that we can save around 100$ on the big ticket items by trading in some old Eddie Bauer car seats we don't need anymore and perhaps trading in our double stroller (maybe). We can get the stroller, car seat and bassinet taken care of.

Tomorrow I have my gestational diabetes test and after our happy discussion tonight somehow I feel less anxious about that too. I feel the Gods are smiling on me (too much Spartacus lately, haha). I have to get my records at Starla's office tomorrow AND in a couple of weeks it looks like we're still planning the 3D u/s.

Things are moving right along and Ezra is kicking and active and it makes me smile to feel him. I could never complain because he punches me too much. I love every bit because without it I'd worry if he was ok. The harder his punches the stronger his bones, eh.

And I was thinking about how I was freaking out about what to do with the kids here at home while I'm in labor. Well, DUH, if it's a school day OR the middle of the night then no worries. So that only leaves weekends and afternoons to worry about and that somewhat reduces my anxiety about it. I take reassurance in the fact that I should labor quickly as I have with my other children. This'll be a breeze. ;) I ask some of my Mom friends about dealing with natural child birth pain and some of the responses I got were: birthing ball, rocking hips, hip compression for counter pressure, lower back rubs, WATER of course, walking, breathing, squatting, rocking on the toilet and staying preoccupied. CHECK. I will try all those and make sure I remember them. If I can't then I can always pull up this blog. ;)

Bad Day

Today is a bad day. I don't really like myself today. I feel fat and ugly and lazy. I feel like Sophie and I have been staying home too much and it's becoming a serious 'I'm a slob' issue. The house is a wreck and I give myself excuses like 'your pregnant' and 'Foy doesn't care' and 'your gonna be cleaning next week because someone is coming over so take the time off' but seriously I just suck lately. This hasn't even just happened lately. I was happening before Christmas and then I gave myself different excuses but today I'm just ready to say it's a fucking excuse and I hate myself. I suck all around. I'm gaining needless weight and I'm a fucking slob and I'm not having sex with my husband and I'm stuck in this house all the day with Sophie and I know she's bored and I'm watching tv and playing on the computer and being a very crappy Mother. I could use a shower right now and I don't get dressed until time to get the kids up EVERY DAY. Like if this was once in awhile then I'd say ok..but it's not..it's every single day. The kids have started to comment on me staying in my jammies all day and the clothes not getting washed.

I'm not using my time wisely. I'm not using what I could to make things better. We're kinda broke...I'm not suppose to be using money right now unless it's groceries...period. Of course there are plenty of free things I could do but I'm not...I'm just pouting and letting it get the best of me. I'm wallowing in misery instead of picking myself up and brushing myself off. Something I preach about..brushing yourself off and getting the fuck up out of the cesspool. I just feel like if I could start doing something to the baby's room or buying him clothes that would help bring me outta the slump and I could get interested in something again. But I can't spend money! So I need to think of cheap projects or doing something positive maybe that still involves him that uses things I already have here...I just need to start being positive and making my way back outta here instead of going further down. Recognizing that I'm here and how to get out is the first step on the way out. The second step is just to take the second step and start moving. (I'm speaking figuratively here..in case that wasn't clear. I'm not actually 'down' anywhere or stuck or in a nasty pool of grossness, haha.)

I don't feel like I can really talk to Foy...he really needs positivity right now..not me dragging him down further. He's feeling the money crunch too...but I don't think he's feeling the time factor on this baby thing and I don't know how to talk to him about it without sounding like 'I need to spend money!' because in fact, I do. We only have a bag of clothes that was given to us and 3-4 outfits that my Mom got. We REALLY need to get him some clothes. I don't know if he's just oblivious to this or what..or he has some plan he's not letting me in on..that maybe we're gonna have money for a shopping spree soon. And I'm bummed we may not decorate the room..and thinking I should make some of my own stuff..that it might be cheaper and fun and get me outta my funk...but....I just can't seem to get together for that either. I haven't informed him that I left the stroller in Texas accidentally either cuz I don't want to fight with him. At first I thought no problem I want a new one anyways but now where we are financially..I suspect I just need to get my Mom to ship it to me. Shouldn't cost THAT much. And we'd talked about a small bassinet for the room instead of using the girly pack n' play we have for our room at first but now maybe that's out too....I don't know. I can't talk to him because if I mention money he gets all sweaty and starts pacing around and all upset and I'd rather just smooth sail instead of freak him out.

If I was in the proper kind of mood then I'd spend time counting how lucky I am to have what I do than spend the time counting what I don't. I HAVE...a room for him with all the furniture and a Moby and an Ergo and a whole bag of clothes and a rocking chair and food in my breast and arms to hold him and sisters to love him and a family who can't wait to meet him. He has a home to come to and a family to love him. All he needs besides that is food, diapers and clothes right. I know this. I just.......you know.....I want other stuff but I get it. Even besides that if Sophie and I would just get out and do story time and the library and maybe go the Rec or just DO something I know my whole outlook would improve....it's just one of those days. :(

One of those days I can't decide if I'm sad or mad or disgusted or fed up or...all of the above. Foy does piss me off about the money because I looked at the account and it's 5-10$ a day on cigarettes or skoal. WTF? I could feed S and I out every day for that almost. And that's FOOD..what he's doing is killing himself! I want to fight about it...probably just because I feel like a fight. I feel like pinching myself to make sure I can feel.

AAAAAnd in the middle of this blog he calls to give me more good news. We're having scheduling issues with my 3 hour tolerance test for gestational diabetes. I changed it from the 7th to the 10th because work scheduled him for a class in Houston, Texas on his days off for the 7,8, and 9th and now the 10th won't work either because he doesn't fly back til that time. AAAaaahhh..so NOW the new plan is he's gonna ask his boss if someone can watch the phones for 3 hours one day next week so he can watch Sophie for this appt. I really don't want to have to take her there for 3 hours. I mean it's one thing for her to come to a regular appt and a whole other thing for her to sit in a waiting room for 3 hours with me. I don't think any toddler would be tolerable in a situation like that. Alright fine..I'm gonna say it..just this once...cuz it's how I feel..and can we acknowledge that it's rare..FML.

Home Birth

I will always insist on blogging at the worst possible moment, haha...right now I'm sick and foggy and something less than sharp as a tack but what am I going to do...why blog of course.

I do have a lot on my mind. I'm back to the birthing at home idea. Well, I originally revisited it because Foy and I have discussed a bit of a belt tightening financially that needs to happen. I was thinking how I could do my part and eating at home more, not buying unnecessary items (for example we might not order nursery bedding. :-O I know I'm as shocked as you. I've done that with all my children but what must be done must be done.), and we discussed the cost of having and supporting another child...that's how I arrived back at the home birthing option because it IS cheaper and it was an idea I had from the beginning and gave up. Sooo I bit the bullet and emailed the lady. She replied and we've exchanged several emails. I knew her concerns would be my weight (making me less than ideal even though I'm healthy) and my fear is failing my gestational diabetes (which I have a test for on Feb. 7th and will still keep that appt with Starla). She has been very receptive and we're suppose to meet on Feb. 1st. I am going to get a copy of my records from Starla and we're gonna precede from there. Though she agrees with me keeping my gestational diabetes appt that I already have. I'm still pretty daunted by the financial aspects. I have to stop my payments to College Hill and HOPEFULLY get some money back. Confirm that my insurance is on board (which the midwife says they will be). AND the midwife requires full payment of 3000 dollars by my 36th week and she will reimburse me as the insurance pays her. This was a hard pill for Foy and I both to swallow and required some thinking on our parts. Also speaking of Foy, he was resistant to the idea. He mentioned safety and MONEY and was very unsupportive. He kinda shut down about it and said some not nice thing followed by me saying not nice things. We had a huge fight. We kinda regrouped later in the day and the next day and then today I asked him to sit down and watch "The Business of Being Born" with me and he did and at first he didn't say much and I thought he wasn't going to but several minutes afterwards he said...' "Even if we don't get any of our 3000 back it's still cheaper than a hospital birth so I guess we need to make this happen and start working on it.". It took me a second to get on board with what he was talking about because I didn't realize he was thinking about it. I felt so relieved. I can't tell you the weight that lifted off me. I haven't been sleeping well and last night was especially bad. I'm sick. I felt anxious and I thought it was anxiety about my decision but when he said that I realized my anxiety hadn't been about my decision but about his thoughts on it. I went to bed for a nap and slept like a baby for the first time in several nights.

I also think it helped that I've started reading a book my midwife recommended. It's called "Spiritual Midwifery". If you can get past the hippy bullshit it has some useful info ('far out' and 'holy' suddenly becomes an adjective? Plus their worship of this Stephen fellow on The Farm is creepy). I guess mostly what I've gathered so far is the idea of going with your pain instead of fighting it..of riding it instead of resisting which I had heard before but the book keeps making the point and it becomes more...real to me with each birth story. Also, the idea of having my husband partake in a more real sense..that talking, touching and kissing during labor can speed it up and help me to stay 'open' so I go with it instead of against it. I can't speak for Foy. I can't say that he'll be receptive but just like getting him to watch that movie with me...I'm gonna work on him. He'll be 'hippying' it out with me soon, haha. He won't even know it. ;) I'll molest him during labor and he won't be able to resist his wife.

I told my Mother my idea. She's gonna be here. Something I really didn't want but she talked to me about it and I was surprised how important it was for her to be here for her grandchild's birth. I can't ignore her wishes. I was also REALLY surprised at how open to the idea of a home birth that she was! She is possibly more excited than me. I told her I'd have to buy a pool and she called me the next day because she'd been googling water birth on youtube and saw pics and videos and found the water birth international website and pool recommendations and she wanted to make sure I got one that was eco friendly and didn't have phthalates, lead or cadmium in it. She is even more onboard than Foy and very supportive. We've spent some time talking about it. She agrees that I'm a good candidate and is reassured that my midwife is certified and that the hospital is close in case of emergencies. She gets that I trust my body and am making the best decision for myself.

Anyways, like I said...a lot on my mind. I have a ton of questions..like what constitutes an emergency? Would she attempt to deliver him breach? Will she deliver the placenta in the pool or out? What are her thoughts on Vit K and the antibiotic eye ointment? I saw a herbal Vit K that can be taken by me and passes through my breast milk and would like her thoughts on this as an alternative to the shot or giving the baby Vit K. Where would be a good place for the pool? Can my upstairs withstand 170 gallons of water, my weight, her weight and the husband? (I do not relish falling through the floor!) It is ok if my children are here? (though they will not be in attendance at the actual birth..I wouldn't mind if they were running around until I needed to start vocalizing and then they could play in their room while I delivered..is that a realistic scenario in her opinion?) When should I call her since she's 2 hours away? What if she is attending another birth? Does she have another client with a similar due date? Will going to the hospital, if I have complications or if she can't be here, be a problem? I was thinking of buying a 'drinking hose' with a filter to fill the pool up. Will we use a hose to fill it up...I'm assuming that's the only way? When can I get into the pool? What if we need to empty some out and refill it to warm it, how do we do that? Should I blow the pool up and fill it prior to labor to make sure there are no leaks or problems? These might seem stupid but then...I've never done this and part of the whole point is that I feel in control and calm and to do that, I need to KNOW STUFF. lol. I've always needed to know stuff.

Despite all these questions, I feel so...empowered by my decision and by the thought of doing it this way. Despite this book being hippish ;) I went to my nap today thinking positive thoughts because of it..thinking about keeping myself open, visualizing and slept better than I ever have so maybe that hippy bullshit isn't so bad after all . ;) I think the most moving message Foy got from the film was how important this was for a woman..to feel in control and how much a hospital was not needed without complications and how it was better for the baby. Now if I can just get him to read the book that the midwife recommends for him..."The Birth Partner". I mentioned it earlier and I think if I buy it then maybe he would listen to a chapter in bed every night if I read it aloud to him. Hey, I'm desperate. I'll do anything. I just want him to supportive and feel as informed as I do at birth.

Grrrrrrrr!

Irritated with the hubby right now. It's 7 pm and I haven't heard nothing from him all day and ALL I ask is to let me know wether he's gonna be home or not by this time of night. That's it! That's all I ask. I don't think that's too much! Do you? I mean I don't call him all day or text him. I'm not needy or constantly demanding him home. I'm understanding when he has to be gone and won't make it home. I get when he's out of the truck or can't answer his phone. I know the kind of job he has. I do. And I'm VERY understanding. The LEAST I expect is a phone call (I would even take a text, photo, voicemail..Hey, I'm not picky) by 7 to let me know what's going on. If he's ok...if he's coming home....if so, does he have an estimate...SOMETHING. I mean, I deserve that right?!? Grrrrrrrr...I called both his phones and no answer. I will remain calm. No, no I won't. He's in trouble.

Baby Names

We have been ...having lots of problems with this but we MAY be at problems end. I have told some family what we're thinking and the kids. I have posted on my Mom website. I'm not ready to FB it yet (that feels so final...so FB OFFICIAL) but I think I am ready to blog it.

Ezra Cooper


I know..weird for us, right? But we both really like it. It's old which I like and it's different which Foy likes...he also seems to favor short names so this appeals to him and I prefer at least two syllables so this fits me. We're pretty set on it...well, the first name. The middle name is the one we aren't that firm on for sure. We had some middle names we had liked: Benjamin, Foy, and Van were all contenders but none of those seem to suit. I like Ezra Van but Foy doesn't. I don't really like Ezra Foy but if Foy insisted then I could live with it but he doesn't seem to like it. And I just DON'T like Ezra Benjamin.

I also like the links Ezra has...so far I've found 3. It's a book in the Bible...which doesn't bother me at all. It is in the name of a band, Better than Ezra...which is fine. And it has links with Superman! The husband is a Superman fan and so this doesn't hurt at all. Ezra Smalls is the fictional character that founded the fictional town of Smallville. Well, maybe 4 links because where I actually got the name FROM was the last episode of Bones which the hubby and I both like so we're ok there too. I also tried it out in my Mom's group and got some stories about some pretty great Ezra's and most people were positive (or else they didn't post which is fine by me). My Mom didn't LOVE it at first...I mean she's not negative but I can tell she's not gung-ho but that won't stop me. My Grandmother loves it...which I knew with it's biblical ties that she would AND I told the hubs he could tell his Mom because I'm not dealing with her. My Mom can be very difficult but she has a lot of tact when it comes to decisions that she believes are mine and she has no place in but my MIL is the opposite. She'll spout out the first thing she thinks and I'll either be rude or cry....so Foy is dealing with that shit.

I've been trying the name out myself. :) I call my bump Ezra and refer to him as such...to get a feel for it more. So far, I like it. It's awkward at first but...I'm feeling it. I hear the kids say it and it's so cute. Sophie says it in the most adorable way. Anyways, I know this sounds like it's a sure thing but the hubs and I have thought we had sure-ish things before and it's ended up not being it but....I knew when I heard this...I'm pretty sure this is it.

I got serious baby brain lately. I guess with the holidays gone my mind is free to wander and it spends a lot of time on my baby bump. It also helps that we got the rooms fairly straightened out and his bed, changing table and rocking chair are moved into his room and...I find it so pleasant to walk by and see it. Sometimes (ssshhh, don't tell anybody) I go and sit in the rocking chair and dream of him ..when I have a quiet moment which is rare.

I really want to order the bedding I picked out but Foy is being a douche and won't let me. Money, money, money..blah blah blah. I mean I know we've been bleeding cash with vacation and Christmas but we're gonna buy it so I don't know why I can't go ahead. It feels like the next logical step.

I guess we're fixing to spend more cash too. We went to a birthday party for a boy in Lexie's class today and several kids showed up that didn't know the family and just came because of their school invite. 5 by my count so I'm thinking we MAY do a birthday party. I know even if just 1 or 2 showed up that Lexie would be THRILLED. Especially if they were her extra special friends. This is her 'golden birthday' and I'd like it to be extra special for her. Well, I would anyways. I do love my girl so. Then soon after will be Kylie's and then S's should be quite simple. Since she's so close to the boy's due date hers will be iffy. My Mom SHOULD be here. So it may be a small family thing but I'll still get cake and balloons and presents....

Ah man, I am so tired. I haven't went to bed before 11 for two nights in a row...for no good reason and now it's 830 and I feel comatose. I am SO outta here!