Relationship over Power, Relationship over that satisfying feeling of being RIGHT

Today this woman told me this story about how her daughter won't ever lock up her bike. They are reminding her all the time. Asking her if she locked it up all the time. She lies to them. They remind her. They punish her. They need her to lock her bike up. I ask why. She says because there has been thefts in the neighborhood. She says this is an ongoing battle with her child for years now. I say well her bike hasn't been stolen in all those years despite not locking it up, has anything been stolen? Oh yea, her bike was stolen. Someone jumped her gate, opened her garage and stole it out of the garage. Hmm mmm. But that wasn't because your bike wasn't locked up...it was because someone wanted to steal a bike. If someone really wants to steal a bike then a bike will be stolen.

So she found her daughters bike unlocked when it was suppose to be locked at school so she stole it. She stole her daughters bike and rode it home to teach her daughter a lesson. Her daughter came home devastated, upset, and crying because she thought her bike had been stolen. When she found out it hadn't she was very angry with her Mother. I would say understandably so. So did her daughter learn that her bike will get stolen or did she learn not to trust her Mother? She learned her Mother was capable of these things, not her neighbor. She learned her Mother will hurt her to teach her a lesson. Has she learned the lesson she was suppose to? Doubtful. She has learned mistrust in the person she should trust the most.

No matter how much I tried to logic this woman she would not get it so I wrote some FB responses and I will share them here. What she did to her daughter was not kind or respectful? It will not have the effect she wants it to have, but she could not keep from defending her actions while admitting what she is doing in her parenting is not working.

Some thoughts I had related but not directly.

"It can be so frustrating talking to people who parent drastically different. 

Power struggles do not make a peaceful home. Be the grownup, be the adult, and opt out of the power struggle. No one wins. There is crying so one person can feel superior to another. There is no contest. You hold the purse strings, you are stronger, you are bigger, you are smarter...you don't need to prove any of those things. Treat them with gentleness, respect, love, and kindness because they are deserving of it. There is so much more to be gained from modeling the appropriate behavior than fighting a battle for dominance. 

Stop seeing your home as a hierarchy and see your relationship as a partnership.

Your job is not to make bad things happen to them so they can know bad things happen. That's going to happen anyways. Your job is to love them and care for them and protect them. Those bad things are inevitable. Consequences are inevitable. Be their shelter from the storm, not the storm.

Value your relationship with your child more than any perceived lesson that you need to teach them. 

Your actions should be like any other action with another person. Is it hurting them? It is kind? Have empathy. Always."