It's been awhile since I blogged. Too busy living life to write about it. Life is taking up all my time. I've been going through something...not sure what it is but with 30 looming around the corner...I've been distracted, moody, up and down,...riding the roller coaster of life. I mean my marriage is in better shape than ever. My kids are happy. It's just something within myself. Something I've been trying to keep to myself. I'm not unhappy just feeling restless. I've been spending some time with the 'what ifs' of life and I'm finding that the life I have now is the best one I could have had. I've contacted and spoke to old acquaintances, boyfriends, friends, lovers...Just spending some time in the past which isn't like me. I'm usually one to always look to the future. I guess turning 30 has made me turn backwards. I've been considering a tattoo...spending time reliving the 'glory days' of old..I guess turning 30 is doing a number on me which I totally expected. Sometimes it seems this phase of my life (whatever it is) has passed and other times it feels like I'm dead center in the middle of it. Maybe I need a change..not a big one if a little one would do. I don't know anymore..I just don't know..

VENT

Oh my god, I have so got to VENT. I don't seem to have alot of places to vent these days. I can't do it on my myspace or my facebook because usually the ppl I'm venting about are ON THERE. So I'm gonna vent here...where to start..

I contacted my old bf from h.s. on facebook a month or two ago. I know, probably a bad idea but I figured I could totally handle it. Well, I did totally handle it..well, for the most part. In the first couple of emails I might have wrote stuff that I wouldn't have my hubby read (which is my way of deciding if what I'm writing is 'BAD' or not. I ask myself, "Would I let Foy read this?") but I soon calmed down and realized that it was just gonna be friendly stuff and it was nice to get back in touch. Well, I gave him my phone number a couple of weeks ago (probably another bad idea) and he never called so today I just dropped a line ..literally one line..to say,"you said I would hear from you and I haven't." I figured I'd get like..I don't know..he's been busy, he lost the number ..whatever and instead I get an email FROM HIS ACCOUNT from HIS AUNT saying that if I truly care about Roger that I will not try to talk to him. Talking about the past makes him sad and it's not good for him. Man, I'm gonna go paste it from my facebook. You gotta see this..


Ginger, This is Jennifer, Roger's aunt and you need to stop emailing him. You hurt him deeply and it is not a good idea for you to keep communicating with him. There are reasons I will not discuss with you, but he should not talk to you because it makes him sad to think about the past. Please, if you care for him at all, leave him alone.

Thanks, Jennifer

So I guess you should know some things before I go on explaining. I did hurt Roger badly. I mean, really badly, but before I go into my explanation I would like to say that I emailed his Grandmother (who acts as his mother) at the same time that I emailed him and apologized to her for what I had done to Roger and told her that I hoped he would talk to me. She said and I quote "that's ancient history". So I figured if she felt that away and then Roger responded in the nicest way to my emails that we were safe to talk and going to get over our past. I cheated on Roger. I know that seems...common but.. I usually don't tell this story cuz it makes me sound horrible and...slutty..which I was. lol. Hey, I'm trying to laugh about it. The story might tell a little too much about my vicious nature, which I can be, or it might just make me look bad. It is ancient history and it's some of the dirtiest parts of my ancient history.

The Story:

You have to understand how much Roger loved me. Oh, he had his problems. He dealt drugs, did more than he dealt and lived a pretty 'high' life in the lowest kind of way. He traveled and hung with assorted character, most of them bad. In saying this, understand that I am not a drug person. I have always been willing to confess to my vices and drugs aren't one of them. Oh, I've done a few here and there but not much and it's just not my thing. Roger knew this about me and actually liked it about me. He loved me. We were connected at the hip. We did everything together. We made love constantly, like rabbits, actually that's what I remember the most. Ha. I was unhappy for different reasons and we had both hurt each other in our relationship. Actually he'd done most of the hurting me. He cheated on me with this girl and broke up with me and then wanted me back. He took someone else to Junior prom cuz my parents forbade me to date him so we were dating in secret. BUT we were together and had tentative plans to live together, be married, have children..But somewhere along the way, those plans weren't for me. I met other guys, saw other guys and slept with other guys behind his back. It finally culminated in him catching this guy in my apartment..naked..hiding in the closet. (like I said, this story doesn't make me look good). His name was Jake and after he ran out of the apartment, naked ..leaving me with a furious Roger..it was so over. It wasn't even really on ..I was just screwing him for fun. Roger hit me. And the funny thing is, and you have to be in a situation like this to get it, I thought he was gonna rape me. This is a man who I had had sex with MANY times but if he had forced himself on me at that moment..it would have been rape. I was yelling for him to get out of the apartment and he hit me..several times. The only one that left a mark was when he back-handed me across the face and blacked me eye and broke blood vessels in it. He got between me and the door and blocked my path to get out. Then he moved away from the door to go to the kitchen and get a knife and I thought he was gonna kill me. I thought I was gonna die there. I ran outside, wrapped in a sheet and I was gonna call the cops. He walked out of the apartment with blood streaming down his wrists where he had slit them and I told him 'good, I hope you kill yourself'. This is the kind of violent ending we had to the longest relationship I've ever had besides me marriage. I tried to get him back after that. He treated me badly, saw other girls and made my life a living hell that I probably deserved...THEN I met my husband and things changed, just like that. I was over Roger and I was ready to move on. Or maybe not over Roger but ready to forget that chapter of my life. Roger showed up at my doorstep after I told him that I loved Foy and begged me to marry him and leave town ..right then. I told him no, and that's the last time I saw him. Is that any way to leave a relationship, a friendship? We had/have a past and I want to talk to him. I want to put old things to rest and be his friend cuz I know he could use one. He was always a lost little puppy. We shared things with each other. Stuff that we probably never shared with anyone else, not to mention 5 years of our life together. If he doesn't want to speak to me, then I understand but his overbearing Aunt shouldn't speak for him....

This is what I wrote back to the email above:

Jennifer,I requested to be Roger's friend and assumed when he accepted my request that he was not adverse to the idea of speaking to me. He wrote me back several emails which seemed to confirm this AND I spoke with Ginger and she said (and I quote) that our past was "ancient history". I am confused as to why I would write Roger and get an email from his Aunt when he assured me that these emails were private. I have to assume that he doesn't know your checking his email and that if HE doesn't want to hear from me..I will hear as much from him. You may control Roger as much as you like but don't tell me what I NEED to do and for that matter what I don't need to do.

I know more than anyone ..because I was there, how much I hurt him and for that matter I know what went on in our relationship since obviously I was there and you weren't. Sometimes maybe talking through the past and healing might be the only way to recover. I think we should let Rog put on his big boy pants and make those decisions for himself.

I will not ask your reasons for writing this email and I don't care. The only person I care about and care what his reasons are is Rog. Maybe if he's thinking about the past in a sad way then he needs some help remembering the good things from someone who WAS there for some good times. I do care about him that's why I requested his friendship and wrote him emails. I'm not trying to sabotage his future, make him have any relapses or anything of that kind...I honestly wondered if this was the best thing for me and after speaking to Roger I realized it was. If it's not the best thing for him, I need to hear that from him, Jennifer.

I apologize if this email sounds a bit angry...because I am. When I wrote the previous email I was writing to one person and got a reply from another and that seems a gross lack of privacy for Roger not to mention myself.

THANKS, Ginger

I guess I should also explain because of the devastating effects that our relationship ending had on Roger, he was seeing a psychiatrist and married a girl who he got pregnant soon after because he was on the rebound. She (if possible) did more drugs than him and they divorced with him getting custody of their daughter. Talking to his Grandmother (who never really knew what was going on with Rog anyways) he's doing fine and going to church. From the emails it seems he might have straightened up but you never know. MOST ppl didn't know what Roger's life was like most of the time but me. Other ppl were in and out of his life so much or he hid so much that others never really knew him. I probably knew him better than anyone else...and for that reason, I want to be his friend. He needs one with his Aunt and his Grandmother constantly trying to run his life and tell him what to do.

Oh, and I should explain that is Grandmother's name is GINGER. lol. We have the same name.

So ..I've vented and I feel much better. I think. Judge me as you will. But remember that he without sin should cast the first stone.

Alot about Nothing.

Well, I feel obligated to write a blog since it's been so long and it's late at night which I find to be the worst time to write in my blog but the time when I seem to want to write a blog the most.

Well, we'll start with current events:
I had the baby. Sophie. She's doing well. She's growing. I feel guilty about how much of my time she seems to be taking from the other girls but I hope this doesn't last long. Hopefully she will start sleeping more soon and be less needy. I had my 6 week check-up with the doc. I got the A-ok so my health is fine. The girls see the dentist next month. I need to make Foy and I an appt. My mom is here visiting with my brothers and the weather has sucked the whole time. I am SO over this sucky weather! Kylie is playing softball but both her games have been canceled so far. We're hoping for better weather tomorrow. She starts school on Sept. 8th. I'm trying not to think about it. The first of my children to leave me for a full day of school. I'm excited, scared, nervous for her. Life is fixin' to hit in a big way. We are makin' a visit home to show off the baby the end of August. I'm looking forward to it. Other than that, there is not much going on....

You ever feel like you might have had an epiphany that you should have paid more attention to but somehow you missed the point or forgot the point. It sort of like that feeling that your forgetting something but you don't know what it is...

RELEASE!

I'm not in the mood to argue. I'm in the mood for payback. It's a special mood that I am in. It doesn't hardly ever happen but when it does it means I need to blow off some steam and you better make sure your not in the line of fire. I need shots of tequila and a kick-ass song to shake my booty to. I don't want to talk; I don't need your sympathy; I don't need to cry; I need to break some shit as Limp Bizkit put it. I need to hear music with anger in it. I need someone to buy me another shot not tell me that I should slow down or quit or keep my clothes on or remind me of the consequences. I need you to shut the fuck up and DANCE! I need to be irresponsible and stop thinking all the damn time. I need to quit thinking. I need to not care about tomorrow or the next hour or even the next minute and just live in this moment. I need you to say, "What kind of shot do you wanta try next?" And no I don't want to dance with that guy. I don't want to dance with anyone . I just want to dance and feel free and let the beat take care of what's threatening to explode.

I think ppl who have anger issues should dance more,drink more, get lost in the music. I think it's theraputic and you'd be stupid not to try it. Stop thinking for awhile and let that animalistic instinct take over. Get lost in the moment and forget what you look like or who's looking or all the games. Lose the bullshit and shake it loose. Be free.

I guess some ppl release differently. Some men turn into animals about football or playstation or sex. Some ppl smoke weed or do drugs or have sex or write a song or become very creative or read a book or play a musical instrument. I guess it's all about what you find relaxing and where you can release. But the part about release is at least my way that it's legal and doesn't potential hurt anyone other than myself when I'm hurting the next day or for whatever irresponsible decision I might make.

She's Engaged, Death and the Weight of Parenthood

Sometimes your kids hit you with so much heavy shit in one day you feel like screaming "Give me a break. Could we deal with one major life occurence at a time instead of all in one day?".

Today Kylie announced that she always wanted to live with me and her Dad because she loved us and never wanted to be away from me. While I was possibly considering the option that we would have a child live with us FOREVER..lol, I went ahead and agreed that she should never move out. Lord knows she'll change her mind about this soon enough and I can think of alot worse things than Kylie being my little girl and living with me forever. Well, then she said she had decided who she was going to marry. I realized that that is why she brought up living with me forever and I was glad I told her she could. Well, this boy is in the frog class in her preschool. I told her she had lots of time to consider lots of other boys and she insisted she wasn't going to change her mind. I asked her why she wanted to marry this boy and she said because he protects her when ppl pretend to be dragons and because he's nice to her. Well, at least she didn't say because he's cute. I can think of alot worse reasons to marry a boy than because he protects you and he's nice....

Later, she suddenly asked if Baby Sophie (the baby I'm pregnant with) was going to die the same time as her. Wow, she's always hitting me with the hard stuff. I said no, probably not. That it was going to be a LONG time before she died, a LONG time before Lexie died and a LONG time before Sophie died and they might not die at the same time but it wasn't something she needed to worry about because it was a LONG LONG time away. We've talked about death before. I wanted her to be ready in case someone close to her in our family or her school or one of our friends died. My in-laws are fairly old and my grandmother, her great-grandmother, is 87 so I wanted her to understand death ..well, as much as a 4-year old can but sometimes I worry that she worries too much about it.

Being a parent is so hard sometimes. You have to know exactly the right moment to talk about these heavy issues. You want to protect them. You want to make sure they never experience death of a loved one but you can't, you can't always protect them no matter how much you try so you try to prepare them for those times when you can't protect them but I worry. Am I saying the right things? Am I explaining stuff in the right way? I don't want to burden her with issues before she's ready but I don't want to wait until it's too late and leave her open and unprepared. The weight of parenthood...

I'M HUMAN

My mom likes to tell this story about when I was younger..maybe 3 or 4. There was this little boy who would come visit with his mom and he would tease me. Mom says he would pull my pigtails and block the tv, among other things. She said she finally told me one time before they visited that if I didn't stand up for myself and retaliate I was going to be in trouble with her. She said sure enough the boy came over and he pulled my pigtail first thing and so she said unlike any child she knew instead of retaliating in a childish way I turned and spatted him on the leg as if I was his mother and I was punishing him for bad behavior. The boys mother started to say something to me and my mother intervened and said she told me to do it and that from now on I was going to retaliate when he teased me and she said I went to my room and cried. I don't think I remember this incident. Sometimes I think I do but then I think I'm probably just remembering the story because she's told it to me before. But I do know why I cried. It's my personality. I hate conflict. I hate drama. I hate to hurt people. I've always been that way and I may always be that way. Now, when ppl come into my life that cause drama or conflict I resolve it this way--I cut them out of my life. I have more tolerance for those I love. I will endure a fight with them or drama because they are my family but if it's a friend--especially a new friend--then I have only one remedy that always works--I IGNORE. Until you've been ignored by me, you haven't known the true feeling of being ignored. I simply cut you out of my life. No more calls, text, meetings, playdates or contact of any kind. I would never be rude directly to your face or even to other ppl about you but I never will contact you or directly engage you in anyway. I have no patience for explanations or feelings on your part. I'm done. I may never even tell you why. I know this can be heartless of me and maybe even cowardly but it's the way I do things and I've found it works best but having said this, I don't have alot of friends and especially any close ones so maybe this approach isn't working but I'm not changing it anytime soon. It might even be unhealthy. I might be supressing anger or hurt. Maybe I think by denying it--that it isn't there. I'm not sure. I'll save the psycho-analysis for the experts and just stick with the facts. This is how I handle conflict or unpleasant situations and I will continue to do it this way...

Having said this, I do not like to tease or hurt ppl. I've endured too much of both so I know what it feels like and I would never intentionally hurt someone unless I was defending myself. I use to almost physically be incapable of hurting someone either emotionally or physically but in my old age, I developed a hard skin and for ppl who want to impose theirselves on me and mine or make my life difficult if the only way to get rid of ppl like that is to be plain and hurt them then I will. I have a soft heart and because of that I've learned to protect it with a steel plate.

I have many faults. I think maybe I'm too self-absorbed. I'm brutal when it comes to making sure me and my family get what we need. I'm probably too image-oriented. I worry about "keeping up with the Jones'" like the song says. I can be snobby but that's mostly just to hide my insecurities. People think I'm being standoffish but I'm just really protecting my soft heart.

There are lots of good things about me as well. I am generous to a fault. I love giving gifts and I'll help you out in a heartbeat. I love kids of all ages. I give good sound advice and I won't judge you on your past mistakes. Luckily, I've made so many mistakes that it makes me capable of forgiving anyone their past. I'm honest to a T. I don't lie even to make you feel better, so some ppl like this about me and some don't. Most ppl don't want brutal honesty even if they say they do. I'm a safe haven in a storm when your ready for good, sound advice. I have a level head and hardly make a move without thinking it through before-hand. I have a spontaneous side. I love to have fun, dance and sing. I'm not too harsh with my children cuz childhoods were made for laughter and good clean fun. I'm slow to anger. I don't share my drama, which can be seen as good or bad. It's part of the part where ppl think I'm standoffish but it's because I guess you'd rather not see me air my dirty laundry but if you asked me a direct question, I would air what I thought was relevant. I have done things in my past that I am ashamed of but I am not ashamed.

I guess what I'm trying to say is : I'M HUMAN.

To My Girls:

Most people when they have children start worrying about their children. What if something happens? What if they lose them? What if they get sick? I mean, I worry like any other parent but for some reason ever since I had my first daughter I've had this ...well, I guess all I can call it is a premonition...that I wasn't going to live long enough for my girls to remember me. I've considered this at length. I've tried to decide if that makes me a selfish person, busy considering her own death instead of contemplating the death of others. All I can think about when I think about dying while my children are young is 'will they remember me?', 'what will they remember?','what will my family tell them about me?','what will Foy tell them about me?','will another woman be a mother to my children?','will she love them like I would?','I want them to have another mother, don't I? Even if it can't be me.'

I've always wanted to start a diary to tell them all the things that they may not remember about me. All the things they may not know about themselves as children. Well, since a blog is like a diary, I've considered starting a seperate blog with letters addressed to my children about our days together. About all the things I want to say to them NOW and things I want to say to them when they are grown. Here is the first letter:

Dear Kylie and Lexie,

Today you watched a movie and played with your ponies, your polly pockets and your Barbie Dolls. Today we had cinnamon toast for breakfast (which is one of your favs cuz Mom piles on the sugar) and for lunch we had sandwiches. Kylie, you love peanut butter and jelly, something you got from your Dad cuz I hate jelly. Lexie is like Mom. She prefers meat and cheese with mustard of course. Kylie, when you wake up in the morning, you love to get into bed with me and cuddle. You like a cuddle anytime. You say the sweetest things without any provacation. You are never mean and you have a heart of gold. Lexie, you like to hide your soft center behind a hard exterior, much the way I have always been. You want to be loved and cuddle but you make me work for it. When you get to the soft center, you melt like chocolate and make my heart break. I hope you learn, like I did, to let your softness show to those you love and those that love you. You never know when you may see them for the last time. One of my life lessons that I had to learn the hard way is how brief life is and how quickly it can be cut short. I'm going to keep chippin' away at you. I want to make sure you both know at every turn that one thing will never change. I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. My love is unconditional and will endure anything. I will be angry with you sometimes and at the very most you may disappoint me. But I will love you, support you, help you and be there for you every step of the way. Lord knows, I have made lots of mistakes and done lots of stupid things and how hypocritical would I be, to condemn you for the mistakes that you will make. We all make mistakes--just learn from them. And if you could learn from OTHER peoples mistakes, well if we all could, how great would that be.

I love to watch ya'll play pretend.
I love to hear your little voices.
I love Lexie's happy dance. (It looks kinda like the chicken dance and the twist.lol)
I love your kisses and your hugs.
I love the way you love bedtime stories.
I love the way you always look out for one another and when push comes to shove, you stick up for one another.
I love the way you act like I've been gone for years when I just ran to the store.
I love seeing your faces light up.
I love all your faces (your sad ones, your happy ones, your surprised ones).
I love the way you never meet a stranger and believe in the good in everyone.
I love how independent you are.
I love being needed by you.
I love the way you love music (like I do)
I love to hear you sing.

I try to tell you these things every day. I try to tell you how lucky I feel to be your Mom. To have been blessed with you, with this time I've had with you. I try to tell you how wonderful you are, how special ..everyday. I don't want to hold these things into myself or keep them a secret, like you shouldn't know. My love is no secret. I'm not ashamed by it. I feel no need to hide how smart and sweet I think you are. I want to yell it from the rooftops. I want you to know how special you are so you will never devalue yourselves. I know that I can't SPOIL my children by telling them I love them and how wonderful they are. I can't spoil them by loving them too much. There's no such thing.

I love you girls.

Mommy