Need?

My Mother loves to say that I can go to my friends if I 'need' something when she gets mad..which flabbergasts me because when she says that it's almost like she's assuming she has EVER cared for my needs. Let's be clear. My Mother has not babysat my kids, washed my clothes, paid a bill, or cared for me and my needs or the needs of my children in my memory. I'm sure (I think.) at some point MAYBE she cared for one of my needs as a child or even as a teenager. I guess she bought my clothes and cooked my food. Let it be known that for every thing she ever did for me she let me know that because she did these things I was under her rule. That I owed her because she did these things. They were lorded over me and held up as evidence that somehow I OWED HER SOMETHING.I owed her at the least obedience. You know, my house, my rules. She never did anything out of love or respect.

This is why I cannot let people do things for me. This is why I can't take things from others. This is why I have a hard time accepting gifts. You have no idea what it was like growing up with this woman. To feel like every bit you ate or every piece of clothes you wore were bitterly given to you OR given to you as a means to control you.

As far as my friends, I think they can attest that I do not ask them to fill any needs for me. That I have not and never will.....if only because my Mother scarred me in this way. In the way that I find it impossible to accept the help of others.

Asshole Views.

Please tell me other people have as much drama as I do. I. hate. drama. My Mom sent me a FEW texts which I didn't respond to til today. I responded because she said 'You can tell your 'friend' to to shove it up her ass and so can you'. (These are the type of texts I get from my parents..envy me, please. Completely unwarranted as I have not said a WORD TO HER.)WHAT FRIEND? I have no idea what she is talking about. I asked her and she said something else not answering my question so I just wanna say if some well meaning friend has read this blog (The only place I have shared this other than to my cousin and husband.) and tried to communicate with my Mother..this is her message to you. *sigh* This is why I do not engage her because it is futile. She is full of hate and nastiness. She has NEVER in her life said 'I made a mistake. I was wrong. I apologize.' and she never will. I believe that.

Update. I guess I should say I blocked her from my FB so I have no idea what friend she means and what has been said.

If someone reading this blog has tried to speak to her, please don't but please 'fess up to me. I'm super curious which 'friend' of mine would go to such an effort. It's very sweet even if it's misguided.

Wow, it's been a shitty few days..(I hate my Mother and my Father.)

Even as I write the title my little brain says, "Come on, Ginger, aren't you being a little bit overly dramatic? It hasn't been THAT bad.".

My Mom ..how do I say this..gave my brother to my Dad because she can't handle him. I really didn't know the extent of how bad it was until I talked to her. She is the meanest person I know, hands down. I'm sure she said some awful things to him because my whole life she said awful things to me and still today I use them to fuel an inner fire because FUCK HER. My Dad wouldn't come get my brother because he can't leave work..oh wait, no, it's because he's a major ASSHOLE. So he got his brother to come pick him up. Well, my brother just knew that nobody wanted him so he packed up a backpack and escaped out of the window....with a pistol. Oh yeah, no I'm not kidding. Mom found him wandering around and he told her he was going to find some place to live other than with her or Dad since nobody wanted him. My baby brother thinks nobody wants him. OH God, how can anyone let a 16 year old kid feel that way? He's a good kid. If anything he's a saint for putting up with her. He's diabetic. His whole life is structured around shots and eating and my Mom makes it worse by controlling every other part of his life. He can't even go to school. She wouldn't let him go now because it would mean admitting that he's so far behind because she isn't actually homeschooling him. She won't let him go outside because it's too hot and he might go somewhere or do something she doesn't like. His whole life and every friend he has is on the x-box, LITERALLY.She won't let him get a permit or license. She won't even let him have a phone if she decides on a whim he can't have it. She controls his food like a Nazi.

This kid feels this way...is breaking my heart. I vow that my kids WILL NEVER feel this way. They will never feel unwanted. Do your worst kids, make my life a living fucking hell and I will STILL FUCKING BE HERE, til I die. That is my responsiblity, not only that I LOVE YOU.


My Mom can only post on FB about herself. Poor her. Poor poor her. It must be horrible. Boo fucking hoo.  The house is too quiet. She hopes she made the right decision. Her kids are such a disappointment. She shows me EVERY DAY a lesson in how I do not want to be. I won't take to social media to tell my kids they are a disappointment. This I vow. I will TALK to my kids. I will be proud of them no matter what they do..well, most of what they do, I hope.

So my uncle picked him up and then has asking the school for his records. I'm sure my uncle wants to put him in school. Will he live with my uncle? Is he happy there? What about my douchebag dad?

My brother is on Medicaid because my Dad isn't covering him on insurance like he's suppose to. My brothers medications are SOOO expensive. Like 300$ for one vial.

I've been wanting to call my brother the last couple of days but I haven't......Why can't I? Part of the reason has been my Mom. How will she respond when she knows he is here...if he decided to come here? He is better off away from her no matter what. If I ask him to come, how can I afford the medication? Am I capable of taking on a 16 year old? Why did he have the gun? What if he is thinking of harming himself...or others? He is such a good kid. He's my fav sibling by far.

Today I half jokingly posted I was leaning toward anarchism. I really meant more the libertarian side but whatever. It's not like I rushed down to the office to change my political afiliation or started burning things in the street. It was a post, whatever. She starts commenting on it how sad SHE is and SHE is disappointed and that I AM THE ONE brainwashed. THEN she makes a FB post about how she doesn't know how she went so wrong as a Mother to have such disappointing children. I took a screen shot but I'm too lazy to post it right now. The woman is unfucking believable.

I know you remember my Dad and I aren't speaking and haven't for over a year now. Actually at about a year I got a 'fuck you' on a text from him. Yeah, he's a stand up fucking Dad. It's a wonder my siblings and I aren't more fucked up than we already are.

My Mother hasn't had a job in YEARS. She got a divorce from a husband who supported her and now she is letting another man pay her bills. She hates this man. She lies to him and asks me to lie to him as well. She uses lies and persuasion (I don't know if she's having sex.) to get him  to give her money. Other than the money she gets from him and him paying her bills she lives off the child support from her kids. If she doesn't get child support she threatens to give the kids back. Actually this might be part of what happened. Why can't she work, you say? NO FUCKING REASON. She's a lazy bitch. What does she do all day? FARMVILLE. That's it. For hours and hours and hours. She has never done one thing (other than finding a man to give her money) to improve her situation.

I went traveling in the RV with her this Summer, how did she help me? NOT A FUCKING THING. EVER. She never once unhooked a hose, hooked anything up, or cooked a meal. She never watched my kids for me, washed clothes for me, or helped me one single way. ACTUALLY she made more of a mess. It was like having another kid...AND I gave her my bed so I slept on the table/bed which was not as comfortable. I could not WAIT for her to leave. I kept hoping she was going to leave early..even on the trip back to Texas I kept encouraging her to go ahead of me and telling her I knew she missed her bed...JUST so I could have my bed and sanity back.

I AM DONE. The real only reason I had a relationship with her was for my siblings. With Cash gone (and I wouldn't doubt Caden soon) then I have no reason to even pretend to care. I will not answer her phone calls. I will not talk to her but I what I will fucking do is call my brother and offer him my love and support because FUCK HER.

I don't talk to my husband. I mean, I've probably said 10 sentences about this whole affair to him. He did encourage me to call my brother. I do not talk to friends. I do not talk to my sister. I bottle all this anxiety and worry and heartache and I package it with a smile and a 'things could be worse' attitude. I go about my fucking day and I take care of my kids and I pack my stuff and I get ready to leave my home of the last 8 years. But you want to know what, this sucks.

You want to know why I'm fiercely fucking independent. You want to know why, because the best lesson my Mother ever taught me was to rely on NOBODY. Everybody will let you down.

The only adult in my life who has never EVER let me down is my Grandmother. That's it.