Conversation with my daughter over lunch

Me: What did you talk about in your Unitarian Universalist Middle School Club today?
Her *animated*: We talked about gendering toys and colors and how other things are gendered. Some of my friends told stories about how they were discouraged about buying certain toys because of their gender or about how they weren't allowed to wear a suit because girls had to wear dresses in their school choir.
Me: That's a really good topic. It reminds me of our trip to the agriculture museum yesterday. An older man caught me on the porch while you guys and Dad were playing. He said I had 4 girls and I told him Ezra was a boy. I said maybe the long hair or his nail polish was why he though Ezra was a girl. He said oh, get him around some boys and they will start teasing him and he'll learn to stop doing that. I just walked off but the truth is that Ezra or anyone can wear nail polish or have any length hair they want. Those things don't define your gender. Only you can define your gender. This man lived in an age and time when people's worst fear was their kids would 'catch the gay' . They thought you could catch it from nail polish apparently. I don't care if you kids are gay, straight, lesbian, transgender, queer, etc I only want one things for your future and that's your happiness.
Kylie: It's almost like he WANTED Ezra to be bullied for his nail polish.
Me: That's a good way to put it. I agree. That's not kind. No one should ever be bullied, ever. Not for their hair, or nail polish, or clothes or anything.

Me: So today in my Social Justice meeting at church we discussed a few things. One thing was Planned Parenthood. Some of the members got to tour the facility and they said it was very nice.
Her: What is Planned Parenthood?
Me: Oh it's a great place. I went there for STD testing, treatment, pap smears, breast exams, and contraception. If I had needed to they also do abortions. You know I was diagnosed with an STD right after your Dad and I started dating and having sex. We don't know who had it first but we both got treatment from them. They gave me antibiotics for treatment and another bottle to give to my partner to treat his STD. It was a very embarrassing time and I almost just dumped your Dad because telling him we had an STD was not what I wanted to do but that wouldn't have been fair to him. I got tested regularly and he didn't. It's a good thing it got caught. If I had gotten pregnant at that time in my life despite my efforts at birth control I probably would have had an abortion. Honestly, at the stage your Dad and I are right now and because we don't want more kids if I were to get pregnant now I would probably have an abortion.

On the way home in the car.

Her: You know Mama, you have tried to tell me that I'm being stereotypical when I like blond hair or when I don't like country music. You accused me of only wanting those things because of a cultural or society's message and that's not fair. I can like or not like those things because that's how *I* feel.
Me: You are absolutely correct. I apologize. I just know we can internalize messages about blond hair being the best or most beautiful because of our society of systematic racism and I know when I was your age kids that did like country would say they didn't because it was cool to say you didn't at the time. I just want you to be authentic and not feel pressured. I felt pressured about shaving and makeup and it took some self reflection to decide what was not an internalized message of society and what *I* really want.
Her: I get what you are saying about internalized messages. Truthfully I like country music more than I say. I mean I don't like it but it's not super awful.

Unschooling Conference and Gender Pronouns

A lot of things happened at the Unschooling Conference I just attended and I may speak about them here at some point but something weighing on my mind at the moment is this:

I was speaking with another Mother in attendance and I used female pronouns to describe her daughter and the friend she brought with her. The Mother told me that their guest actually preferred male pronouns. I was a bit embarrassed and very happy I had been told. I would prefer to have been told by the Mother than by him. I know I can be hard on myself about pronouns but I so much want to be inclusive and accepting of all transgender or gender queer individuals in whatever part of their journey they are on.

I felt this was a defining moment for me that I've been working up to for awhile.

Another story. I was recently visiting a friend. She rarely posts pics of her children so I wasn't entirely sure of their gender or even how many. When we showed up there were two children, one dressed in pink pants and a brown shirt and the other in a MLP dress. The one in pink pants had shorter hair (mostly because they were younger) and the older in the MLP dress had long hair about to their waist. I referred to them both as 'she' to my children and was corrected by the Mother. The older child was a 'he'. I felt so embarrassed because I of all people support boys having any length hair they would like (as well as girls of course) and not having to wear what our society has deemed suitable for their gender. People who identify as boys should be able to wear a dress when and if they want and still be referred to as 'he' if they wish.

So between these two incidents I spent the rest of the conference working very hard to refer to any children whom I did not hear others refer to with the gender pronouns she and he, as 'they' or 'them' or 'their' or 'the child' or 'the person'.

It really is hard to change your wiring. It's finding a new place in my head not to assume someone is a certain gender because they look to me like a certain gender.

An unschooling conference is the best place to work on this since you are more likely to see non-normative dress and hair styles. Many gender neutral things. Lots of colors being worn by all genders. People who are all accepting of their child and have no subscribed limitations on them.

I think this is very healthy for me to question these things and to learn to speak a new way. To learn to think a new way about gender and how fluid it can be is definitely a change I want to make and I hope to forgive myself (and have others forgive me) for any missteps in my own journey.