To Everything There Is A Season and What's Mine Is Yours

Life has seasons. I try to accept these seasons as they come and not wish time faster or slower or for it to stand still. Every rough patch, every moment I couldn't wait to end did and led to something better. Though I treasure every day with my babies I don't wish time to slow or stop....the season they are in now will end when it's time and a new season shall begin. I just enjoy it...or try to. I try to live in the moment...not wishing for the future, not looking back on the past or dreading in the present. We have one life, one moment to make the most of it. I truly try to live each day as if it was my last. I think of what's fun, what will make a good memory, what do I WANT to do.

This is not to say I don't look forward to things or reflect on my past somewhat. A little of both are good things. I'm looking forward to my birthday....in a weird way. I guess that's a far cry from my last birthday. I'm looking forward to driving my car, perhaps going swimming...I'm looking forward to getting the 200$ I'm expecting in the mail from my Grandma so I can get me a new iPod. I'm looking forward to February when I get to throw my sis a shower and fly home by myself. I'm looking forward to her having her baby. And as far as my past, there were so many lessons there. I'm a lot wiser and better person that I could have been. I'm enjoying the present too. I've been knitting. I'm looking forward to a good nights sleep in a few minutes. My hubby is home and watching football which I find to be a pleasant back drop to my knitting....and blogging it seems.

I just see so many people dreading things or talking about time flying with their children and for it to slow. I take life at the pace it offers me. I wouldn't change a thing at the moment. I enjoy every day with my girls. They are....well, they are the bestest. If I don't wanna clean....I usually don't. I try to avoid things I don't like doing. Of course, those kinds of things become necessary at a point but then it's just to do it. You can find joy in your journey. I find joy in my day to day life and so should you. I find joy in my children. What makes them happy usually makes me happy too.

Then again I do live the fairytale as Gingerella. My hubby is the bestest, my children are a blessing, my family is doing well, my friends are supportive and understanding. I am spoiled....I'm living on the sunny side, that's for sure. :) But though I think God is shining on me I believe he helps those who help themselves and my hubby works hard. I work hard at being the BEST mother I can possibly be and I don't always take the easy road but I try to take the right one. We worked hard for what we've done and for what we have. I won't feel guilty or bad because I have something you don't. I guess this occurred to me because of my new car. I know a few people on my friend list who have old cars and can't afford new ones and are always working to fix theirs and it's breaking down and they struggle and I feel bad for being so happy about my new car but then again....we work for this. One of them is a single pregnant woman who struggles to support herself but how are her bad choices my fault. Another friend has a hubby who works a dead end job and doesn't make much money and she tries to stay home when they can't afford it...why doesn't he look for a new job? Though I feel empathy and yes, I can't help it a little bit guilty for all the wonderful things we have....for our lack of money issues...but then again, we aren't here by accident or because we waited to hit a million dollar jackpot or because my hubby doesn't work at maintaining a positive work record or keeping his credit score spotless. We planned, worked and MADE these things happen...and so could other people. Life is what you make it. It's something you should make happen...not something that should happen to you. And I realize in saying this that tomorrow the hubs could be out of a job and we could be struggling....but whatever life hands me that I CAN'T control...I feel secure knowing that we will and are making the best choices and will continue and strive to make more what ever may come.

I hope that most people know my joy about the things I own or have is not coming from a mean place. I am very good at sharing my "wealth". I will let you ride with me or borrow and play with my gadgets. There isn't a begrudging bone in my body. I'm not one to be overly anal about my things either. I have children and fully expect them to be children...as well as yours. I would never NOT be friends with someone because of something they had or didn't have...because of lack or boocoodles of money. I try not to see that. I try to judge people on their actions...on their honesty, on their parenting and how they treat the ones they love and the ones they don't...on how their loved ones treat them. Someone on FB today put some quote about the older I get I judge people more on what they do and not what they say. I agree. I can be guilty of snap judgments of people but I would never say I'm not one to change my mind....or admit if I'm wrong. I CAN be wrong.

I don't have time to proofread this tonight and I'm sure a lot of it doesn't make sense. I'm tired and my throat is getting that tightening sensation that usually means I'm getting sick....ugh. So I think I will take some meds and call it s night...I'll look over it tomorrow.

Please keep your trays and seat backs in their upright positions...

When people describe me they use words like "honest, blunt, outspoken,funny". Though I like being these things I guess a tiny part of me wishes the description involved "sweet,nice, kind hearted". I mean I like being honest. I put a lot of stock in honesty...most of all not just in honesty to other people but honesty to yourself. I can have a crude sense of humor and the most inane things pop out of my mouth before I check it. I mean I don't want to say I can't help what I say...I can. We all can. I just don't police myself well that way. I promise I can be sweet, nice and kind hearted...you just have to catch my moments. People should take my bluntness as what I intend it to be. I intend to really know you. I intend for you to really know me. I intend for you to know where you stand with me. I intend to make you laugh. I intend to show you that it's ok to be you. If **I** of all people feel it's ok to be me, then other people should only see goodness in themselves when compared to my loud mouth, rude brashness. What was that about good intentions...paving a road..I'm sure it was straight to heaven, something like that. ;)

When asking people to describe me they also said things like "comfortable with 'myself', outgoing".

I saw a discussion on FB the other day about how you should know yourself before marriage. I can't say I completely did. I was probably more on my way than some people but I can't say I really KNEW myself til my late 20's and that does honestly open up a lot of doors. I suddenly know what friends I want (and which ones I don't), I know I have faults but if they aren't landing me in jail and my family in peril then I can accept these too. I look for people who I can say, "See, this is me. Take me as I am or don't take me at all. I like me and I won't re-arrange ME for anyone. I worked too hard and endured too much to let you take it from me." Maybe I'm a bit selfish. I see myself as the constant and everything else may revolve or stay the same but **I** am the constant. You may be in or out of my life. You may like me, you may not. You may move, you may lie, you may lay on the floor and throw a fit...you may do whatever pleases you. I will be right here. I will be the same. I will not let you effect me.

Re-reading this brings to mind my friend issues. It's probably one of my problems in making and maintaining friends. It's probably cuz I'm not much to emotionally invest in anything but my family, my children, and my husband. They are my constant also.

I perhaps should feel guilty or apologetic about that. I should feel bad for distancing myself or feel like I'm missing out....but I don't. What I feel is STABLE. I feel loved. I feel secure. I feel sure that the people who chose or I chose to orbit around me aren't here for any reason but that they like ME...because you see, you have no choice because of my big mouth to NOT truly know me if your orbiting close. If you aren't reading my blog because you care then please see the revolving door on your way out and thanks for riding Air Ginger. ;D

Two Sides at War

Reading my last post reminded me of a post I was gonna make a few days ago....I love some of the old houses downtown. I love the oldness, the shape, the stories, the history...I love old things. I love antiques and old hardwood floors...

But this part of me directly contradicts the part of me that loves the modern. For example, yes I love books (the kind u can hold in your hand) but I own a Nook. I love vinyl records. I love the static noise and I even love when it skips. I love the smell of vinyl and the feel and the part where you have to treat it right and respect the vinyl so it doesn't get scratched. So many old things remind me of my childhood. BUT I own an iPad, iPod, CD's. I love black and white movies...I love Gigi and the Sound of Music...and lots of old movies but I go to the movies a lot...the modern ones. When I look at houses, part of me loves that old houses are ORIGINAL (high praise in my book). I hate cookie cutter architecture..I hate cookie cutter anything really. I love that a contractor didn't go in there building a million houses with similar floor plans and features. But I love modern convenience. I love the way stainless steel looks, I love a sleek, modern look..clean lines and no frills. I like the idea of shucking off the hodge podge assortment of life and going with bare living.

Anyways, I just wanted you to know blog that I realize I contradict myself..and it's not that I'm lying or even changing my mind...I'm just at war with myself here. Maybe I will find a happy medium one day...an old house with modern updates....or something like it.

Reading, knitting, drinking coffee and writing = heaven!

It just came to me! So last night I went to sleep thinking about two things....IF I could go to college, what for? And knitting. I don't know if I've mentioned it blog but I'm obsessed with knitting. I have an obsessive personality by nature...I manage to suppress it cuz it annoys people when I latch on to something with bared teeth and won't let go but ....I really don't care if my knitting obsession pisses anyone off...fuck off if it does.

Anyways, and I've said for years that my retirement plan was to own and run a used bookstore. I own a Nook now and was just reading the other day about how the book business is in trouble but I cant help it. I really love books. Books you can hold in your hand. That smell....good sometimes and too much like the previous owner other times...books that have stains, notes, highlighted sections...books with stories to tell that aren't written in ink but in ownership. Yesterday I went to Starbucks and then Hastings and that's my epitome of a good day. Two of my happy places. Coffee, books around me...it gives me such a sense of adventure. There at my fingertips...any place in the world I wanna go! I can be anyone!

So what came to me was maybe there is a way to combine all my obsessions. Id love to own a used bookstore that sold coffee, knitting supplies and lessons in said knitting. A place to come together and feel welcome. Before I went to bed last night...the last thing I had decided was that what I REALLY wanted to do was be a writer. I can do it. And the best thing about being a writer is that really there is no formal education required...just life lessons. So theoretically (stay with me here), the older I get the more qualified I become....not the sooner I get a formal education. Of course, I'd love to take some classes related to being a writer. Anyways, who knows. Even when I went to college as a late teen I had just a liberal arts major because even then I couldn't pin point a career. I feel a little like the bee on the bee movie...I'm suppose to do this til I die!? I mean, that's a big commitment. Several thousand dollars for an education to do something that I HOPE I will enjoy doing the rest of my life...I don't know. But I could own my used bookstore (I have the perfect house in mind. Oh yes, a house with nooks, crany's, fluffy pillows, antique furniture, coffee mug stains, the scent of books crammed together and overflowing and the perfect little fire lite space for knitting..) and sell coffee and try to spread my knitting obsession and write while enjoying my kids/grandkids...

Babies of all varieties!

I'm proud of myself..I got our Christmas card pics made today..with the girls in their fancy dresses and hair done and then I got the cards made online and went and picked them up and got 90% of the envelopes addressed and even remembered stamps...usually this whole process takes me like a week..so there, that's why I'm proud.

The neighbor stopped over today with her cute as hell baby teacup Yorkie. He was such a cutie. She came to see if I had a baby carrier..that you carry on your body and I sure did and I just let her have it cuz she's done so much for us. She's watered the yard when we couldn't be home...the other night I didn't answer the phone for 3 hours cuz I had left it in my jacket pocket and I was kinda taking a "social" break for myself and Foy called her and woke her up to come check on me. Really scared the total shit out of me..someone ringing the doorbell @ 10 pm. But it was nice of him to worry. So yeah, I just let her have it.

I am getting very excited for my sisters baby. I completed a couple of little hats for the guy and now I'm gonna work on a cocoon for him. I wonder if I'm not just feeling s little baby hungry....Foy and I have discussed it but we're both unsure we want another and Foy feels we're better off discussing it again in 6 months rather than making a rushed or "wrong" decision now. I have so many mixed emotions about possibly having another..one of them is that I KNOW if we have another I won't regret having it...not matter the sex but if I don't...will I regret not giving it another go. But I also have a lot of negative feelings about another baby...the college takes kids when they are 2 I believe and I really do wanna do something for myself...and then I feel selfish but really having another baby is not really helping the other kids either. That's less time and money that's spent on them...and they are kinda awesome and I would like to be there even MORE for them..which I feel like I can do when S gets a little older. I also want to start contributing monetarily to this family at some point. I feel like a big ol' mooch sometimes even though i know what im doing is needed and contributing and Foy sees that....i just cant help feeling that way a little. I worry my husband might regret not having that boy but honestly, he seems not to care. He says he doesn't..and I believe him. I think as women...(as backwards as it sounds) we want to give our men sons...there is a ....idk what I'm trying to say but I recognize the feeling. I spent a good hour discussing it with Foy this weekend and we have agreed to re-visit the issue next year. I told him too though that this baby-making factory is shutting down soon....meaning we've kinda gotta limited time to get pregnant before I'm proclaiming no more babies. He said,"look how old your Momma is." and he couldn't have said a worse thing. Exactly! I do NOT want to be my mother.

Bummed.

I don't have a reason to feel bummed...things are hunky dorey. I did have some plans tonight that got canceled for one reason or another and I'm kinda bummed about that. I started to go to the movie alone but I was really enjoying my family but now the kids are all in bed and it's just me and Foy and speaking of Foy we've been fighting a lot on his days off. Just arguing about anything and everything. He had the nerve to say something about the house being messy, ggrrrrr. I threw cake at his head for it...cake in a plate (oh, don't get your panties in a wad..it was a paper plate but there was a metal fork involved...ok, it was more over his head). We laughed about it later. I knew the minute he said it I was fixing to launch something at him...happened to be cake...I consider him lucky I wasn't having a glass of water with it.

Anyways, I'm considering the late movie. I went and got us some booze but now I don't think it's the booze I want. I want a club atmosphere. I want loud music, anonymity, the crush of the crowd, the pulse of the music, the smell of pheromones in the air...to some people that all might sound not so good but to me...it sounds and smells familiar. I grew up in that atmosphere...it helped forge me into the person I am now.

So I gotta go and catch this movie...and who knows...maybe I'll go get a drink by myself.." I ain't afraid.."

On the up side, I finally got him to agree that we need new mattresses so those are in the works....he's Internet comparing as we speak and I bet we go get some new ones tomorrow. I want to wait and check out RC Willey. I LOVE RC Willey but he's impatient. He said he wants a better nights sleep NOW, not when we find the time to go to SLC so it looks like it might be John Paras, blech.

Making Love to a Horse

Men like to blame the ladies lack of response in bed to her issues and not his. Maybe he just sucks that bad. I am usually always honest in that department..I mean I usually try to pull the punches with the hubs...you know like, " Better next time, honey. It did FEEL good..just not quite there." Ok, or sometimes I might be like, "Fucking A, this sucks. Next time it's MY turn." Being married to me..isn't always a cake walk..I'm first to admit it. Not that this is often..I mean that the 'elusive big O' doesn't come...but your lying if you say it's there EVERY time for you. I probably have more than the average gal but it's called elusive for a REASON. Point is, if I'm quiet that's usually NOT a good sign. But you have to make me yell and sometimes I think about horses when we're having sex....ok, let me explain that, lol. I think women are like good horse flesh and if you 'ride' her right...guide her, touch all the right places, learn where, how and when..press with your knee to go that way, stroke her here to do that...then you will illicit the response you want. But you have to pay attention. If I freak out and gyrate every time you touch my neck in a certain spot..well, that should be noted. If I turn off when you...I suddenly can't think of ANYTHING that turns me off...this is crazy...but you get what I'm saying. I've always responded to certain things certain ways and if a guy takes notes and pays attention...well, it should be easier the next time.