VENT

Oh my god, I have so got to VENT. I don't seem to have alot of places to vent these days. I can't do it on my myspace or my facebook because usually the ppl I'm venting about are ON THERE. So I'm gonna vent here...where to start..

I contacted my old bf from h.s. on facebook a month or two ago. I know, probably a bad idea but I figured I could totally handle it. Well, I did totally handle it..well, for the most part. In the first couple of emails I might have wrote stuff that I wouldn't have my hubby read (which is my way of deciding if what I'm writing is 'BAD' or not. I ask myself, "Would I let Foy read this?") but I soon calmed down and realized that it was just gonna be friendly stuff and it was nice to get back in touch. Well, I gave him my phone number a couple of weeks ago (probably another bad idea) and he never called so today I just dropped a line ..literally one line..to say,"you said I would hear from you and I haven't." I figured I'd get like..I don't know..he's been busy, he lost the number ..whatever and instead I get an email FROM HIS ACCOUNT from HIS AUNT saying that if I truly care about Roger that I will not try to talk to him. Talking about the past makes him sad and it's not good for him. Man, I'm gonna go paste it from my facebook. You gotta see this..


Ginger, This is Jennifer, Roger's aunt and you need to stop emailing him. You hurt him deeply and it is not a good idea for you to keep communicating with him. There are reasons I will not discuss with you, but he should not talk to you because it makes him sad to think about the past. Please, if you care for him at all, leave him alone.

Thanks, Jennifer

So I guess you should know some things before I go on explaining. I did hurt Roger badly. I mean, really badly, but before I go into my explanation I would like to say that I emailed his Grandmother (who acts as his mother) at the same time that I emailed him and apologized to her for what I had done to Roger and told her that I hoped he would talk to me. She said and I quote "that's ancient history". So I figured if she felt that away and then Roger responded in the nicest way to my emails that we were safe to talk and going to get over our past. I cheated on Roger. I know that seems...common but.. I usually don't tell this story cuz it makes me sound horrible and...slutty..which I was. lol. Hey, I'm trying to laugh about it. The story might tell a little too much about my vicious nature, which I can be, or it might just make me look bad. It is ancient history and it's some of the dirtiest parts of my ancient history.

The Story:

You have to understand how much Roger loved me. Oh, he had his problems. He dealt drugs, did more than he dealt and lived a pretty 'high' life in the lowest kind of way. He traveled and hung with assorted character, most of them bad. In saying this, understand that I am not a drug person. I have always been willing to confess to my vices and drugs aren't one of them. Oh, I've done a few here and there but not much and it's just not my thing. Roger knew this about me and actually liked it about me. He loved me. We were connected at the hip. We did everything together. We made love constantly, like rabbits, actually that's what I remember the most. Ha. I was unhappy for different reasons and we had both hurt each other in our relationship. Actually he'd done most of the hurting me. He cheated on me with this girl and broke up with me and then wanted me back. He took someone else to Junior prom cuz my parents forbade me to date him so we were dating in secret. BUT we were together and had tentative plans to live together, be married, have children..But somewhere along the way, those plans weren't for me. I met other guys, saw other guys and slept with other guys behind his back. It finally culminated in him catching this guy in my apartment..naked..hiding in the closet. (like I said, this story doesn't make me look good). His name was Jake and after he ran out of the apartment, naked ..leaving me with a furious Roger..it was so over. It wasn't even really on ..I was just screwing him for fun. Roger hit me. And the funny thing is, and you have to be in a situation like this to get it, I thought he was gonna rape me. This is a man who I had had sex with MANY times but if he had forced himself on me at that moment..it would have been rape. I was yelling for him to get out of the apartment and he hit me..several times. The only one that left a mark was when he back-handed me across the face and blacked me eye and broke blood vessels in it. He got between me and the door and blocked my path to get out. Then he moved away from the door to go to the kitchen and get a knife and I thought he was gonna kill me. I thought I was gonna die there. I ran outside, wrapped in a sheet and I was gonna call the cops. He walked out of the apartment with blood streaming down his wrists where he had slit them and I told him 'good, I hope you kill yourself'. This is the kind of violent ending we had to the longest relationship I've ever had besides me marriage. I tried to get him back after that. He treated me badly, saw other girls and made my life a living hell that I probably deserved...THEN I met my husband and things changed, just like that. I was over Roger and I was ready to move on. Or maybe not over Roger but ready to forget that chapter of my life. Roger showed up at my doorstep after I told him that I loved Foy and begged me to marry him and leave town ..right then. I told him no, and that's the last time I saw him. Is that any way to leave a relationship, a friendship? We had/have a past and I want to talk to him. I want to put old things to rest and be his friend cuz I know he could use one. He was always a lost little puppy. We shared things with each other. Stuff that we probably never shared with anyone else, not to mention 5 years of our life together. If he doesn't want to speak to me, then I understand but his overbearing Aunt shouldn't speak for him....

This is what I wrote back to the email above:

Jennifer,I requested to be Roger's friend and assumed when he accepted my request that he was not adverse to the idea of speaking to me. He wrote me back several emails which seemed to confirm this AND I spoke with Ginger and she said (and I quote) that our past was "ancient history". I am confused as to why I would write Roger and get an email from his Aunt when he assured me that these emails were private. I have to assume that he doesn't know your checking his email and that if HE doesn't want to hear from me..I will hear as much from him. You may control Roger as much as you like but don't tell me what I NEED to do and for that matter what I don't need to do.

I know more than anyone ..because I was there, how much I hurt him and for that matter I know what went on in our relationship since obviously I was there and you weren't. Sometimes maybe talking through the past and healing might be the only way to recover. I think we should let Rog put on his big boy pants and make those decisions for himself.

I will not ask your reasons for writing this email and I don't care. The only person I care about and care what his reasons are is Rog. Maybe if he's thinking about the past in a sad way then he needs some help remembering the good things from someone who WAS there for some good times. I do care about him that's why I requested his friendship and wrote him emails. I'm not trying to sabotage his future, make him have any relapses or anything of that kind...I honestly wondered if this was the best thing for me and after speaking to Roger I realized it was. If it's not the best thing for him, I need to hear that from him, Jennifer.

I apologize if this email sounds a bit angry...because I am. When I wrote the previous email I was writing to one person and got a reply from another and that seems a gross lack of privacy for Roger not to mention myself.

THANKS, Ginger

I guess I should also explain because of the devastating effects that our relationship ending had on Roger, he was seeing a psychiatrist and married a girl who he got pregnant soon after because he was on the rebound. She (if possible) did more drugs than him and they divorced with him getting custody of their daughter. Talking to his Grandmother (who never really knew what was going on with Rog anyways) he's doing fine and going to church. From the emails it seems he might have straightened up but you never know. MOST ppl didn't know what Roger's life was like most of the time but me. Other ppl were in and out of his life so much or he hid so much that others never really knew him. I probably knew him better than anyone else...and for that reason, I want to be his friend. He needs one with his Aunt and his Grandmother constantly trying to run his life and tell him what to do.

Oh, and I should explain that is Grandmother's name is GINGER. lol. We have the same name.

So ..I've vented and I feel much better. I think. Judge me as you will. But remember that he without sin should cast the first stone.