Radical reclamation

If you look at me and you think why does she pick unusual hair styles and bright colors, why did she decide not to shave or why is she wearing those clothes, why did she get tattoos and why does she pick that style of clothing? Why does she live there or drive that or have those bumper stickers? Why does she choose to not stand up when she should or not sit down when everyone else is? Why won't she conform?

 If you look at me know I am a survivor of a home of domestic violence and child abuse and that every decision about my body and my lifestyle is another way I reclaim myself. Every time I am authentic to my wants and needs, and every time I use my voice is another rung on a ladder of freedom. 

Every act is one of radical reclamation. Every day is an effort at self love. Every act that is not coerced or pressured is another way I heal. 

Every time I speak up now is for every time my voice was silenced because I was afraid, because I hurt, because I wanted to be safe, because I was forced to pretend things were ok. 

Until you've walked a mile....

Conversation with my daughter over lunch

Me: What did you talk about in your Unitarian Universalist Middle School Club today?
Her *animated*: We talked about gendering toys and colors and how other things are gendered. Some of my friends told stories about how they were discouraged about buying certain toys because of their gender or about how they weren't allowed to wear a suit because girls had to wear dresses in their school choir.
Me: That's a really good topic. It reminds me of our trip to the agriculture museum yesterday. An older man caught me on the porch while you guys and Dad were playing. He said I had 4 girls and I told him Ezra was a boy. I said maybe the long hair or his nail polish was why he though Ezra was a girl. He said oh, get him around some boys and they will start teasing him and he'll learn to stop doing that. I just walked off but the truth is that Ezra or anyone can wear nail polish or have any length hair they want. Those things don't define your gender. Only you can define your gender. This man lived in an age and time when people's worst fear was their kids would 'catch the gay' . They thought you could catch it from nail polish apparently. I don't care if you kids are gay, straight, lesbian, transgender, queer, etc I only want one things for your future and that's your happiness.
Kylie: It's almost like he WANTED Ezra to be bullied for his nail polish.
Me: That's a good way to put it. I agree. That's not kind. No one should ever be bullied, ever. Not for their hair, or nail polish, or clothes or anything.

Me: So today in my Social Justice meeting at church we discussed a few things. One thing was Planned Parenthood. Some of the members got to tour the facility and they said it was very nice.
Her: What is Planned Parenthood?
Me: Oh it's a great place. I went there for STD testing, treatment, pap smears, breast exams, and contraception. If I had needed to they also do abortions. You know I was diagnosed with an STD right after your Dad and I started dating and having sex. We don't know who had it first but we both got treatment from them. They gave me antibiotics for treatment and another bottle to give to my partner to treat his STD. It was a very embarrassing time and I almost just dumped your Dad because telling him we had an STD was not what I wanted to do but that wouldn't have been fair to him. I got tested regularly and he didn't. It's a good thing it got caught. If I had gotten pregnant at that time in my life despite my efforts at birth control I probably would have had an abortion. Honestly, at the stage your Dad and I are right now and because we don't want more kids if I were to get pregnant now I would probably have an abortion.

On the way home in the car.

Her: You know Mama, you have tried to tell me that I'm being stereotypical when I like blond hair or when I don't like country music. You accused me of only wanting those things because of a cultural or society's message and that's not fair. I can like or not like those things because that's how *I* feel.
Me: You are absolutely correct. I apologize. I just know we can internalize messages about blond hair being the best or most beautiful because of our society of systematic racism and I know when I was your age kids that did like country would say they didn't because it was cool to say you didn't at the time. I just want you to be authentic and not feel pressured. I felt pressured about shaving and makeup and it took some self reflection to decide what was not an internalized message of society and what *I* really want.
Her: I get what you are saying about internalized messages. Truthfully I like country music more than I say. I mean I don't like it but it's not super awful.

Loss, even if we impose the loss for protection, hurts

This month the topic at church is 'Loss'. That's almost an overwhelming subject from the get-go. Of course the first thing that comes to mind is loss through the death of a loved one. There are many kinds of loss though.

The first to occur to myself was the loss of my Mother. You could say that it is a self-imposed loss so less relevant but I would disagree.

 Deciding to cut off my relationship with my Mother to protect myself after years of physical, mental, and emotional abuse is one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I mourn the loss of that relationship much like someone would mourn the death of a loved one. She is alive but our relationship has ended. With the realization of how truly awful my upbringing was and with the subsequent healing journey I've been going through I have also mourned my childhood. I have mourned the childhood I did not have. I have mourned the ways that I had to change because of her. I have mourned the stunted emotional development. I have mourned what could have been and tried to find a path of what is now. I have felt denial. I have denied that it THAT bad. I have tried to see the good and make it so large that the bad didn't exist. I (This one is a bit funny.) have even tried to deny I was her child. I remember in my childhood and even as a teenager thinking that I was going to suddenly be sat down for a solemn talk and told that I was adopted from a lovely family. It was a fantasy of mine. I am angry. I am still angry often. I don't know if I'm even past this stage. I'm past my initial anger I guess. I don't know who I'd bargain with. I may have tried to strike a bargain with myself in the past that something I did would make this relationship ok. If I just ignored this much or avoided the phone this much or just came to her house for this long that everything would be fine and she'd be normal and it would all be ok. I'm absolutely certain I have depressive episodes. I don't know that I'm never not depressed by the whole situation. I do not believe whatever stages may be lingering that I have yet met acceptance. It seems to accept this means to forgive or deny or somehow undermine what has been the most life changing relationship of my life. I cannot deny the damage and I cannot accept her or it. I'm pretty certain I need therapy.

I just wanted to address loss and the many ways and things we can feel a feeling of loss about. I mourn a relationship that I chose to end. I mourn a loss of a childhood that I never really had.

Relationship over Power, Relationship over that satisfying feeling of being RIGHT

Today this woman told me this story about how her daughter won't ever lock up her bike. They are reminding her all the time. Asking her if she locked it up all the time. She lies to them. They remind her. They punish her. They need her to lock her bike up. I ask why. She says because there has been thefts in the neighborhood. She says this is an ongoing battle with her child for years now. I say well her bike hasn't been stolen in all those years despite not locking it up, has anything been stolen? Oh yea, her bike was stolen. Someone jumped her gate, opened her garage and stole it out of the garage. Hmm mmm. But that wasn't because your bike wasn't locked up...it was because someone wanted to steal a bike. If someone really wants to steal a bike then a bike will be stolen.

So she found her daughters bike unlocked when it was suppose to be locked at school so she stole it. She stole her daughters bike and rode it home to teach her daughter a lesson. Her daughter came home devastated, upset, and crying because she thought her bike had been stolen. When she found out it hadn't she was very angry with her Mother. I would say understandably so. So did her daughter learn that her bike will get stolen or did she learn not to trust her Mother? She learned her Mother was capable of these things, not her neighbor. She learned her Mother will hurt her to teach her a lesson. Has she learned the lesson she was suppose to? Doubtful. She has learned mistrust in the person she should trust the most.

No matter how much I tried to logic this woman she would not get it so I wrote some FB responses and I will share them here. What she did to her daughter was not kind or respectful? It will not have the effect she wants it to have, but she could not keep from defending her actions while admitting what she is doing in her parenting is not working.

Some thoughts I had related but not directly.

"It can be so frustrating talking to people who parent drastically different. 

Power struggles do not make a peaceful home. Be the grownup, be the adult, and opt out of the power struggle. No one wins. There is crying so one person can feel superior to another. There is no contest. You hold the purse strings, you are stronger, you are bigger, you are smarter...you don't need to prove any of those things. Treat them with gentleness, respect, love, and kindness because they are deserving of it. There is so much more to be gained from modeling the appropriate behavior than fighting a battle for dominance. 

Stop seeing your home as a hierarchy and see your relationship as a partnership.

Your job is not to make bad things happen to them so they can know bad things happen. That's going to happen anyways. Your job is to love them and care for them and protect them. Those bad things are inevitable. Consequences are inevitable. Be their shelter from the storm, not the storm.

Value your relationship with your child more than any perceived lesson that you need to teach them. 

Your actions should be like any other action with another person. Is it hurting them? It is kind? Have empathy. Always."

Maybe It's the Cult of "Love Yourself and Tolerate No Bullshit"

I think I've decided the cult my Mother may be talking about. It started with intactivism and it spread. I am more open, more loving, and more accepting in many ways that she would not understand. She didn't believe in helping others. She believed the worst in others. She always had such a small and mean spirited way of seeing things. I don't do that anymore. In some ways I have closed other doors though. I do not tolerate violence, especially toward children. I will not listen to you talk about it. I will not watch you put it into action. I will not have people in my life who promote or take part in it.

So I am less accepting in ways she would like as a verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive person and I a more accepting in ways she does not like meaning the LGBTQAI+ community and races among other things.

A Mother's Love

My MIL came to visit and when she did she told me she saw my Mother in Walmart. My body betrayed me in that moment and I felt a little thrill that I was going to get news. What I knew in that moment is no matter how much I can assure myself that the best thing is not having contact with her, that I will continue to miss and mourn her, and that I will be sad. 

She told me that my Mom told her I was in a cult. This isn't the first time I heard this since she also told my cousin this at my Grandma's birthday party that I purposefully missed because of her. A fucking cult. I kid you not. I really don't know what part of my life she feels is cultish. I feel like she may think being an intactivist was joining a cult which is hilarious but I really think she's scared by the changes she saw in me after that. I've been on a life changing journey of acceptance of myself and others, of love of myself and others...Yes, I have changed. I stopped hitting my kids. I've mostly stopped yelling. I decided I was an atheist. I started attending a Unitarian Universalist Church. 

I feel like I'm closer to being the person I was always meant to be. I feel like this awakening would have happened sooner if she hadn't been such a destructive force in my life. 

What happened was that I woke up and realized that she was abusive and that remaining in a relationship with her was toxic. I learned to love myself and to take care of myself and to decide that is not what is best for me and my children. 

What I find really funny is that started spreading these rumors about me and trying to take my sister's kids only after my sister confronted her about our abusive childhoods and why she would kick our brother out of the house. When confronted and asked to account for herself she turned to slander against me and Erica. She's an evil person..

and she's my Mother. It's so very complicated. 

I cried. Great big crushing tears, body shaking, ugly crying on Foy's shoulder. I didn't mean to. I went to tell him and his Mom had already told him. I just started crying. The truth is I wish I could cry more. Some part of me wants to fall into a giant hole of depression but I won't because I have these kids and I have UU and I have purpose.

 I am loved by someone. I am worthy of respect. I am deserving of all the good things. 

When the one person who is suppose to love you doesn't then telling yourself these things is so important. 

Ramblings of those who didn't sleep well.

UU has this thing called 'covenant groups'. It's like small groups of friends who meet once a month outside of church to support each other and talk about things going on with them or just to talk. I've been really looking forward to joining one since they sound a lot like my favorite 'sunday school' activity which is just a group of people who get together and talk about things. I'm having a lot of nerves about it though. I don't like committing especially if I don't feel fully informed and the groups give out very little info. They only tell you the days, times, and places they meet. They only list the groups and you pick them on ONLY that criteria. I want a group I will like!

I missed the social justice meeting this week because they had like an introduction to UU class after church that I've been meaning to take. I wanted to attend the justice meeting since I had attended a SA Feminist Unite get together and met the leader of the local chapter of NOW (National Organization for Women). I should get an email of the minutes though. It's hard to add any constructive talk afterwards though.

I was giving someone parenting advice on a thread (how to deal with young children and tantrums) and someone asked if I had interference from my relatives or husband and those sorts of questions always throw me off. I do not. I ask my husband why and he said because they are scared of me but even complete strangers do not look at me and think there is a woman wanting advice. I only wish I could point to a quality or characteristic that makes me NOT be a victim of this so then maybe others can fake it.

Nobody rules this body but ME.

I often write things in private groups but I don't share them with my general Facebook page and I feel sometimes I do my friends a disservice. Sometimes they think they know me but they are only a party to what I have chosen to show them. I try to pick what the material is I want to talk about so where it's an appropriate place to post it. If it's a private rant about my husband then in a off topic baby wearing group of local women or in a private group of close friends. If it's a parenting question then often in a whole life unschooling group since I know they parent similar to me. If it's about religion I often pick an atheist group. Sometimes I have things to say that I think no one wants to hear me ramble and that often arrives here.

Some thoughts I had recently.

I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian religion with lots of rules about women's bodies. Rules about what we could put on our bodies (no makeup, no cutting your hair, no jeans or shorts, no jewelry, etc) and rules about what we could do with our bodies (told where to sit in church, sex shamed and taught abstinence or hell). 

I went from that to what I thought were some unwritten societal rules about women. It's gross to have armpit hair, women don't have shaved heads, and fat girls can't love their bodies among them.

One day I realized I had just traded one set of rules for another and baby wasn't going back in a corner.

Nobody rules this body but ME.

So I had half my head shaved yesterday and I grow armpit hair. That's one finger on each hand in the air for YOU society and a religion that restricts instead of grows.

The conversation that brought about these words was when I was getting my head shaved. The hairdresser asked if I felt lighter. I told her nothing could compare figuratively or literally to the moment when I shed the rules of my religion and cut my hair for the first time at 18. That was a taste of freedom. 

Sometimes I cringe that I feel like I'm still defining myself. I'm still learning myself. I feel like I'm doing things a teen should do, stretching her wings and defining her style, but here I am a woman of 35 still stretching her wings and defining her style. 

Other times I feel like no matter what kind of childhood I had I would still be the woman I am because I get bored easily. I hate the mundane and the unimaginative. 

I read this article on children of narcissist and I can't decide if wanting attention is a horrible thing or a valid thing. I have the same problem that they talk about. I cut my hair into an extreme style or dye it a vibrant color and then shy away when someone makes a big deal about it. It has to be frustrating for others. 

I just want to know the choices I am making for myself ARE ruled by me and not ruled by my past. I don't want all of them to be because I am still trying to overcome or I'm still trying to prove SOMETHING to somebody. 

I wasn't sure how Foy was going to feel. It was rather funny actually. I showed up at the house after deciding to drive all night home when I had planned to stay at my sister's in Houston. I showed up when I turned to the shaved side he was half asleep and was like 'OMG, what happened to your hair?!?" HAHA. I started to say I was set upon by a gang of ruffians ...but it's ok, they just wanted half my hair. WTF did he think had happened? ha. 

He was kind of in a crabby mood all that day and I asked him if it was about my hair. He said maybe and I told him to get over it. I don't tell him what tats to get (He got at least two of them while I was out of town.) and those are permanent. His body, his decision. My body, my decision. 


All of the heavy accessing of my reasons behind it, I like it and I got many compliments when grocery shopping the next day. One woman just stopped and looked at me and said, 'You are beautiful.". It was amazing. I've never had a stranger have that effect before. I like to think it's my happiness or my smile or just my giant FUCK YOU to convention that they admire. 

I also got new shoes and a couple new outfits. Outfits that are terribly inappropriate for a fat girl if you ask some but I also say fuck you to that. Fuck any negativity. Fuck whether you approve of my body. Fuck your opinions. They don't belong on me. 

Future Thoughts.

I'm tired of being scared. I feel like I want to do something. I want to feel like I'm living and not just holding a space for when I'm ready to live.

My problem is I don't really know what I want to do. I thought about taking a college course or trying to get a job on a blog ...even a non-paying one. I thought about starting one.

I'm flaky. I have a million ideas and too little follow through.

I want to do Yoga.

I feel like all the things I want to do will take too much from my children. I feel like I owe them my time and resources especially because we unschool. Guilt. It's guilt.

I didn't go today. Maybe I will go again.

I didn't go to UU today and it wasn't because I was busy it was because I decided not to go. Here are the reasons.

1) I attended a talk maybe a month ago where they played a film of a psychologist talking about anger and I mostly agreed but he referenced putting toddlers having a 'tantrum' in their beds because toddlers are trying to manipulate them. I disagreed. When I brought up this disagreement in the talk another woman pointedly said how she finds children obnoxious in public places.

In a place that is suppose to be about social justice, is suppose to be about non-violence, and acceptance there are an alarming number of old folks (I realize this is ageist...) that are fine with hitting children. It's like the one category that seems to universally be accepted. It's illegal to hit your animal or your spouse but everyone is a-ok if you hit your child....your small, defenseless, still maturing child.

2) In a talk last week (no film, just a roundtable discussion) one man referenced the video of the Black woman hitting her Black son because he was 'rioting'. My favorite response to this has been that I'd like to think if I were in this woman's shoes and my child was endangering his life what I would do is says 'Son, I love you so much and I wish you would choose to not do this because I fear for you life. If you will not leave though I feel as your Mother and someone who cares for you deeply that I must stand here between you and the danger because that is my job...to protect my heart.' If this helped my son to walk away or if it didn't, this is the line of non-violence I would like to follow.

Anyways, this was referenced and he was commending her. I'm not sure if he was racist because I often find white people commending violence more often when it involved people of color because they like to think of them as animals or somehow less than. I can't say he was but I can say that he referenced his own childhood and compared his Mother favorably to this woman and I couldn't help but think 'Stockholm Syndrome'. I can't believe how many times I defended what my Mother did to me. I mean I am ultimately 'ok', right? It took me accepting that non-violence was the path I wanted for my own children, to love myself, and to learn boundaries...to accept that I was ok IN SPITE of what she did and not because of it. This man, this man who has attended a UU church for years and accepted that lifestyle STILL thinks it's ok to hit children. It's so...disheartening.

Another man talked about his daughter gaining weight and how he could fix her. What? She lost her Mother six months ago to cancer. Accept her, love her, buy her some fucking ice cream, and stop being her judge. Our kids don't need anymore fucking judges.

Another man said his niece had cut off her entire family (you could tell this greatly displeased him) and he was the only one she would speak with but she had called him recently and said she needed his support because her husband was diagnosed with very bad colon cancer. Now he feels like he must tell the family even though she doesn't want him to. When we delved a bit deeper he says (his words) 'She CLAIMS to have been sexually abused as a child and that's why she won't talk to any of them'. WHAT> THE>FUCK.

No one cuts off their Mother and their entire family for fun. I should know. I cut off my Mother and it's fucking hard and even after what she did it motherfucking hurts. I'm not having a good time. Why is it so hard for him to accept his niece's truth as THE truth? Whether it is the truth or it isn't, she asked him not to share and now he should respect that.

Needless to say I had many very ...strong opinions in this roundtable discussion that many may not agree with.

To sum it up I am finding at UU that there is very little kindness toward children despite their empty words. I cannot abide those who hit children or those who excuse hitting children. I find it detestable.

I have noticed the church has some problems. They are mostly white and mostly old yet they preach inclusivity. It's a problem. They are so tightly bound to each other and their outdated ideas that any 'outsiders' find it difficult to get in.

Anyways, I didn't go today. Maybe because I'd hear some more abuse being justified or maybe because I don't think they can handle my truth. So is my personal struggles shading my perceptions of what is happening? Yes, and that's why I keep giving it a chance.

Remember when you never made mistakes? ...No one else does either.

Is love really the answer?

Simply, yes.

I mean it's the easy answer when the are lovable or when it's the people in our lives we care about but what if it's the people who are making us angry. How do we show love then? For example, what if it is a transphobic person speaking negatively about Caitlyn Jenner?

Love is still the answer. Love of Caitlyn and love of that person. What is your ultimate goal or wish? That the person you are speaking with would understand and accept transgender people I hope is the answer. What will help them do this the most? Seeing transgender people reflected in a positive light and not the privilege few upper class transgenders like Caitlyn but the ones who are hurting still, who needs homes and hope, and acceptance. They need to see transgender people in their news feed. They need to see positive stories about the achievements of transgender people. They need to see the people they revere having something positive to say about transgender people.

Highlight what  you love. Take care of what you love and ignore what you hate. Think of it as a plant. If you love a plant you will nurture and care for it with love and kindness (work with me here, you really love this plant. And if you hate a plant (who could?! but work with me here) you ignore it and it will wither and die. Choose to spend time on acts of love.

I think my job as an ally is to amplify transgender (and ALL LGBTQ+) voices and to do that I need to focus more on speaking positively about them and leave the naysayers and the haters to...wither and die (I mean, I don't want them to die ...but their hate can.).

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Boundaries are healthy. You get to say who is welcome in your private spaces and how they are welcome there. They can choose to comply or they can choose to leave. If having them in your life is more important than this choice you will choose to make allowances for them.

Ultimately we can't change others. We can only change ourselves or change how we do it or change how we think about it.

What do we do when someone we love is struggling? Say, with depression. We get them a therapist but we notice they are eating more, gaining weight, sleeping more, and picking up bad habits in general. What do we do? What do we do if it's our child?

We leave them alone. We be there for them. We DO NOT judge them or attempt to fix them or for gods sake talk to our daughters about their weight. What children need the most from their parents is overwhelming and undying love and acceptance for who they are. That's all. They just want to be loved for who they are NOW, in this moment. Not to be seen a project worthy of love or acceptance when they meet that behavior expectation or when they are an adult or when they never make a mistake (remember those days? Yeah, no one else does either.). Love and accept them now. Less judgements and more acceptance. Do it for them and treat yourself the same way.

Triggers, abuse, and what is my role

I just read this article and it hurt me. It hurt me with it's truth. The idea that maybe I'm brain damaged from the abuse I encountered makes me feel like a victim all over again. I am a victim. I've never stopped being a victim. I have healed some but that doesn't mean I won't always have been a victim. I think in that respect it's like alcoholism. I will always carry this...this violence of what happened to me with me. Will I always be recovering?

I was hugely triggered the other night. I have issues with the word triggered. I haven't decided if I like it or not. I do realize that I can be triggered but are my triggers other people's responsibilities..not really. I can choose to read or see or participate and I know how to walk away and not be a victim again by something that triggers me. Ok, back to my story.

I was at the neighbors that I like house. They aren't perfect...I mean we don't parent the same way but I generally like them and their kids.

This new couple moved in with their kids next door. I met them and didn't particularly care for them. Sometimes was definitely telling me to stay away. When you talk to her, she's a 'one upper'. The neighbors were admiring another neighbors sound system so she said hers was better, she just didn't have it turned up all the way. If you said someone had a nice bike, she would tell you how much hers cost and how nice it was. It's very irritating. Irritating but I could stand it. I've met other people like that.

Anyways, they came to the neighbors house I like house while I was there.  It was fine at first but the more they drank, the worst they got. They told HORRIBLE stories of how they hit their animals and hit their children. Basically bragged about how much they controlled their kids, where their kids weren't allowed in their house, how they punished them...I mean twice she told this story about how her oldest (15) splattered water on her and she punched her and how she only respected her when she hit her. The neighbors I like were giggling saying their parents did that to them so the neighbors I don't like agreed, yes their parents did the same thing. I said I was abused also (I said ABUSED because that is what it fucking is when your parents hit you, tackle you to the ground, pull your hair, slap you....). They couldn't see what happened to them as abuse. What happened to them was ok and it was ok to do that to their children. NOOOOOOOO. Fuck no. Hell no. No. Justifying that behavior is wrong. You were abused. There is power in saying that. There is healing. I am still healing but that simply acknowledgement is healing.

Not only stories about hitting their kids (and I mean repeated stories sometimes telling the same ones over and over) but stories about beating their dogs. Then she started talking about how she got into fights when she was pregnant. This woman...reminded me so much of my Mother. People who are truly badass don't get into fights, they walk away. People who are truly badass don't brag about how badass they are. She was just sad. She talked about her family get togethers and it was my entire childhood brought to light. The violence, the alcohol, the behavior, ....all of it. I swore when I lived through that I would never subject myself or my kids to that again. I walked away while she talked and I came home. I couldn't sit and listen anymore. Later I went back over because I thought maybe the subject had changed...no. They were still going on. Sometimes telling the same stories. Oh, and they were religious. Go to church every Sunday like clockwork. *snort of disgust* I left their house for good and decided I am so done with them.

Foy came home later and I was silent. He said, 'Well, um, that was, um, interesting.' which started a tirade of obscenities from me about how what they are doing is NOT ok. My kids aren't subjected to that and our relationship is one of partnership and peace. My household is peaceful.

These kids love my house. They spend quite a bit of time over here. I think it's because I like kids. I accept them as equals. I don't have a lot of rules or arbitrary guidelines. I'm calm.

The next morning at UU I battled with myself. I hate CPS. I use to say I would never call them, or I wouldn't without a really good cause. I use to say I would try to fix it myself or help the people. I can't. What can I do? If I stay silent, am I not as guilty as every person who stayed silent while I endured abuse? Those children are me. I am those children. It's still a battle, a weight I am carrying around, this knowledge.

I can only help those who help themselves. Put in the work.

People are always asking me for help. I get multiple messages a week.

'Help me be a gentler parent"

"Help me learn to breastfeed"

That was just this week.

It's not that simple. First off, I'm one person. That's a lot of responsibility. When I was learning these things I went to large groups about them and I read EVERYTHING. I read all the stories and the arguments and why this wouldn't work or why it would work and then I joined more groups and read more stuff. I heard anecdotal stories, and watched videos, and read linked articles. I begin to recognize those parents whose relationships I wanted to emulate and I stalked their posts in these groups. I stalked their advice.

Moving away from the authoritarian parent I was and hitting my children wasn't a single step. It was a lot of steps and sometimes I took a step backwards and then I went forwards again.

I use to say that I started whole life or radical unschooling a couple years ago but in truth I don't know if I can point to an exact point when I got it. I think even now I'm going to make mistakes and I'm maybe not doing it 100%. I've said ok, no limits on screens and then a month later been like, never mind, I'm fucking this up so bad so now we have limits again or maybe we have less limits but still some limits like bedtime. It took me almost this full time to get to a REAL no limits situation.

So you see, when you ask me for help it almost seems like too big of a job. Like, it would require more steps than I can even remember I took. I am so far removed from where you are. It's like..


A circle and you need to talk to someone a degree  in the circle from where you are while I'm standing on the complete opposite side.

This is interesting because Dr. Peter Grey at the conference talked about the same phenomenon in how children learn. Children learn best from other children. Someone asked why they can't learn from parents the same way. Don't get me wrong they do learn from parents (mainly as a role model) but it's just not the same as from other children. He described it to say that we learn better from someone closer to where we are. Some people that ask for my help need someone closer to where they are, someone who can still relate to their position. I don't mean to sound bigger or better than those people. I WAS those people. I am growing, changing, evolving..constantly searching for something better or bigger.

I also have to forgive myself often for focusing on one thing more than another. Our diets around here are not the best. I see friends who are very diet focused in their parenting and in their lives and I think I should focus a little in those areas but those parents aren't as focused in areas that I am. We all choose to focus ourselves in different directions and it's good to align with those heading in the same direction..and it's also good to know those who aren't so you can see what may be worthy in their journey to relate to your journey.

Unschooling Conference and Gender Pronouns

A lot of things happened at the Unschooling Conference I just attended and I may speak about them here at some point but something weighing on my mind at the moment is this:

I was speaking with another Mother in attendance and I used female pronouns to describe her daughter and the friend she brought with her. The Mother told me that their guest actually preferred male pronouns. I was a bit embarrassed and very happy I had been told. I would prefer to have been told by the Mother than by him. I know I can be hard on myself about pronouns but I so much want to be inclusive and accepting of all transgender or gender queer individuals in whatever part of their journey they are on.

I felt this was a defining moment for me that I've been working up to for awhile.

Another story. I was recently visiting a friend. She rarely posts pics of her children so I wasn't entirely sure of their gender or even how many. When we showed up there were two children, one dressed in pink pants and a brown shirt and the other in a MLP dress. The one in pink pants had shorter hair (mostly because they were younger) and the older in the MLP dress had long hair about to their waist. I referred to them both as 'she' to my children and was corrected by the Mother. The older child was a 'he'. I felt so embarrassed because I of all people support boys having any length hair they would like (as well as girls of course) and not having to wear what our society has deemed suitable for their gender. People who identify as boys should be able to wear a dress when and if they want and still be referred to as 'he' if they wish.

So between these two incidents I spent the rest of the conference working very hard to refer to any children whom I did not hear others refer to with the gender pronouns she and he, as 'they' or 'them' or 'their' or 'the child' or 'the person'.

It really is hard to change your wiring. It's finding a new place in my head not to assume someone is a certain gender because they look to me like a certain gender.

An unschooling conference is the best place to work on this since you are more likely to see non-normative dress and hair styles. Many gender neutral things. Lots of colors being worn by all genders. People who are all accepting of their child and have no subscribed limitations on them.

I think this is very healthy for me to question these things and to learn to speak a new way. To learn to think a new way about gender and how fluid it can be is definitely a change I want to make and I hope to forgive myself (and have others forgive me) for any missteps in my own journey.

First Unitarian Universalist Church of San Antonio

I was procrastinating a counselor when I stumbled into UU. In my case it's a First Unitarian Universalist Church in San Antonio.

As some of you may know me and religion haven't often got along. I was forced to be Pentecostal growing up and it was never my choice. As soon as I turned 18 I vowed to never attend. I liked to say that I had enough religion in those 18 years to fill up my religion meter. In my head and to others I still said that I 'believed' in God, but not religion. A few years later I admitted maybe I was more spiritual than necessary believing and finally about a year or 18 months ago I started to embrace I was an atheist. From then it was a quick jump to really what I feel is I am an anti-theist since I really feel religion is mostly harmful.

I don't remember where I first heard of UU (I think maybe a freethinkers group.) but it sounded like something I may enjoy for the community. Oh wait, it was Karen who first introduced me. She was an atheist and said she enjoyed the community there. She described it as sort of a church for atheist. My curiosity was peaked but I didn't feel I missed the community.

I decided to check it when feeling particularly lost about my marriage. Sunday morning would be one less minute I would be stuck in this house with my husband so why not try it. From the minute I walked onto their campus I was rather happy. I also perused their website before I went and felt it was welcoming (especially the part about being late since I'm rarely on time). They don't have Sunday School as much as they have discussions. It felt like THESE ARE MY PEOPLE from the moment I sat in my first group. You can speak or listen. They discuss things pertaining to what makes us good people or how we could go good people or things about our human nature that are faulty and frail and we have to accept people anyways.

I can't say that in the 6 weeks I've been there I haven't had a hiccup or two. I have disagreed with a thing here or there but for the most part (95% at least) I have felt like this was a home for me.

I knew going in that THE most important factor was that it be voluntary. That every class, every second, every offering, every motion be 100% on my terms..not one single act was I going to follow through with that I didn't first question why and what happens if I don't.

I refuse to embrace an all encompassing way of doing things or an ideology that I didn't 100% agree with.

Some of the first things that attracted me to UU is that they accept EVERYONE. They make a special effort to accept the entire LGBTQ+ community with open arms. Not just accept but reach out to in love. That was important to me.

Another thing was ideology. They don't promote there is one god or one way and also it is well known that there is a large atheist community here at this one. They also have a coven and celebrate some things like Spring Equinox and the other pagan holidays. The first couple I met as a newcomer (in the newcomer meeting) was a polyamory couple. They brought their partners the second time they came.

UU strives to be inclusive in their use of pronouns and 'partner' and they are welcoming to the differently abled from special programs to making themselves super accessible.

I also liked that the very first meeting I attended they were giving the offering (which I learned they do once a month to different special worthy organizations) to PFLAG and today they gave it to No Más Muertes. It makes me feel good to be a part of a community that cares for others and each other.

Everyone goes out of their way to speak to me and I have had MANY riveting conversations that I can't imagine having anywhere else.

They have an excellent sex ed program where they talk about REAL sex issues with the young people and not just abstinence. Today the middle schooler class did FUUnd lunch and gave the proceeds to the San Antonio Humane Society. It's a GOOD place. They do GOOD things.

Now I won't go into detail about the hiccups right now. I may address them later but today I want to talk about todays sermon. It's been on my mind. I love the sermons. I could skip all the church-y singing and the phrase 'stand in body or spirit' (my body stays seated because I don't understand why I have to stand, I need a good reason and then I'll decide if I am) but I like giving to the offering and sometimes the music is better and I wouldn't miss the sermon.

Today she discussed prayer. I had no idea where SHE was going with this. That's right it's a woman (I love that.) Rev. Dr. Maureen Killoran. It was a weird topic since as a whole UU stays away from the 'p word'. I loved where it went though. I still don't like the p word and think I like a much better word for it like connection to our universe and ourselves and each other. That's sounds better than the p word, lol but I get why it's longer. Here is a copy of her sermon. 16 short minutes but from disbelief to understanding is where I went. I left feeling bigger, expanded somehow (and it wasn't just the lunch). I still haven't decided to 'become a member'. For one, it's been 6 weeks and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I don't feel fully...involved. Secondly, I'm not sure I will. Much like a marriage license, drivers license, social security card...I'm tired of all these ties that bind or cards that identify me. I just want to ...BE.

A journey, the Good, the Bad, and mostly just the Human

Sometimes I think I want to go back and read this blog but...it's like reliving some things I'd rather not so I think maybe I wouldn't. It has the power to hurt me. It's a chronicle of my sins, my angst, my troubles, my sorrows...

It is funny to go back and read a few posts though.

So much has happened since then. Seeing how crazy my Mom is and how much I just brushed under the rug. I have always used this blog as a diary of sorts and that has gotten me in all sorts of trouble and there have definitely been things I shouldn't have said, could have said, should have said maybe but it's frail and faulty and mine.

I haven't spoken to my Mother since...November of 2014. That is approximately 6 months. That's the longest we have went without speaking since I first moved out of the house and she disowned me for daring to wear pants, cut my hair, wear makeup, and live my life. This time we stopped speaking for several reasons.

1) She kicked my brother out of his house because she thought he was gay. She sent him to my Dad's where they abused him emotionally and finally physically when they kicked him out of their trailer and he slept in the back of a truck for 2 nights before my Dad finally dropped him off at my sister's trailer and I picked him up there. He's been living with us for 2 years this Fall. He will be 18 June 3rd.

2) She called CPS on my sister for nothing more than a vague suspicion (not of any wrongdoing on my sister but on her current baby daddy) and tried to get her ex to take her to court and take her kid(s) away. She already had this whole plan in her head about how she was going to raise my sisters son.

Let's let that sink in. Now shake it. I'm done with that crazy train. You don't fuck with anyones kid's and CPS unless you have a REAL, very real reason. The end.

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That was the bad news. That's why there is a break there because this is the good news.

Well, this is other news maybe because I'm not sure it's all good.

Almost two years ago I started a journey...a transition of sorts. It was gradual and when I thought I had arrived I hadn't really and it's still happening. I'm not sure anymore where it's going and in some things I feel like I've come full circle but not in all things. It's a journey of discovery, of renewal..a journey that should have happened long ago. Maybe I wasn't ready or I wasn't mature or whatever the reason may be. I have the feeling many people have made this journey before me and many will after me. It's been healing, sometimes hurtful but always informative, and most often about self-discovery.

I was looking into a counselor which I'm still pretty sure is on the books to help me deal with my parent issues, hopefully help me heal so I can be a better parent, and maybe to help with my marriage. You see, as I have made this journey, my husband has not. I feel very different from the person he married in 2002 and I don't know how to be happy with the person he is. I once read that we don't marry once but constantly change who we are as does our partner and have to re-marry and re-marry them over and over. I feel truth in that. This journey has been about truth mostly. My truth, and the truth of others.


I don't see how I can cover a whole journey of this magnitude in just a few blogs so this will be spotty and probably a bit ugly to read but it's really not for anyone but me. It's my journaling...my outlet as always.