You lack in a sufficient way

"You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting." Knight's Tale

This phrase popped in my head this morning.

RANT

I had a bitch on my mind. I was gonna post in my due date group online...actually I was gonna comment, "That's stupid. Your body was made for your baby." and then decided that calling people stupid was probably just my hormones talking but SERIOUSLY! She was going to ask to be induced or have her membranes stripped because she was '37 weeks and can't take it anymore'. Fuck. Stupid bitch. She isn't ready, let alone is her baby ready cuz DUH if her baby was ready she'd be going into labor. And then says, "I hope it's not too big to come naturally.". Another dumbass thing to say. Your body was made for you baby. That is never a plausible excuse..ok, maybe NEVER but extremely rare. "I don't dilate" is another fucking excuse for a bogus c/s that if I have to hear it again I might blow my top. Or "I'm 36 weeks and 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced...could be any day now!". No you stupid bitch, you can be 6 cm dilated and 75% effaced and still be weeks from labor. That is no tell for when your going into labor. I swear I'm gonna have to stay off there before I go off. And these women who are 37 weeks and begging to be induced. Man up, bitches! Oh, and elective c/s bitch. Those two words don't belong together and your STUPID. Who elects for major surgery because they are scared of labor and think it's better for the baby? Dumbass bitch, that's who. SHIT, I'm sick of ignorance. I can't take anymore. EVERYONE says elective c/s is a bad idea and she's still insisting and acting like people are 'judging' her. Well, don't' ask peoples opinion unless you want it and when 99.9% of people say it's a bad idea...your fucking ass should shut the fuck up and listen. Ok, I'm done.

Birth IS natural. Just like breastfeeding.

So I went to a breastfeeding class last night which was so nice. It was really great and the lc spent a lot of time on breast crawling which I'm fascinated with and definitely plan on doing. She seems to really know her stuff ABOUT BREASTFEEDING. She's new to town and we only have ONE OB office here (with several OB's) and her office is there and she's currently trying to get privileges at the hospital. She had a checklist for breastfeeding that had things like: Don't give my baby a bottle/paci. I would like an immediate hour of skin-2-skin. I would like my baby to room in...etc. When asked by some of the ladies in the class if their wishes would be met when they gave the list to the nurse she could only keep repeating, "It depends on what nurse you get and all you can do is ask and they might say no.". Are you kidding me? I wanted to scream every time she gave those women that advice. This is your body and YOUR baby. Did they carry that baby nourishing it with their bodies for the last 10 months? Did they just push that baby out? Is that baby half their genetic code? Will they be taking that child home with them in a few hours? How can a nurse know what is better for my baby/my body than ME? Why should I have to ask some one's permission what to do with my baby and my body? That seems so backwards to me. Here she is preaching about how for years women birthed themselves, laid the babies on their chests and went to sleep and babies are NATURALLY made to root and find the breast on their own. Yet at the same time she's acting like birth ISN'T natural. When she was answering one of my questions and kept referring to the nurses I felt the need to explain I wouldn't be bothered with that because I was birthing at home and immediately she's like...I could never have done that. It would scare me. BIRTH SCARES YOU but breastfeeding is natural? Newsflash: Just like that baby knows how to root for a breast and find it. My body knows how to birth a baby. Boo-ya!

My DEAR husband.....(sarcasm)

Yesterday was not the best day. First we had plans to get the baby's room squared away and the hubs slept til 10 when I had to drag him outta bed because he had stayed up to an ungodly hour playing PS3. Ok, moving on. Then he was the snappiest, moodiest a-hole around the entire time. I'm the pregnant one. Isn't that suppose to be me? Finally I realized it might be a blood sugar problem cuz he missed breakfast and it was 1 pm and I went and got lunch. After lunch we were talking about our afternoon plans which I thought had been decided...but he sounds all bitchy cuz he has to take S to dance so I could cook dinner and eat before I have to leave at 515 for my breastfeeding class. So fine, I'll take S. But I say, "So your gonna cook dinner?" which he apparently didn't hear....deliberately. So I rush back from dance to find him playing PS3 again and I calmly rush to the kitchen without yelling at him and start trying to prepare them a meal (at this point realizing I won't be able to eat before my appt....or get myself decently ready...or stop by the store for a bottle of water like I had planned). I ran out of time and I asked him to come up and put all the ingredients that I had cooked and prepared into the casserole dish so I could go comb my hair and fix my makeup at least. He says..and I'm quoting here, "Look like you didn't think this through very well. Your not very organized." at which time I completely blow my fucking top. REALLY? THAT'S WHERE WE'RE GOING WITH THIS. Really? He was pissy he had like 10-15 mins of prep work to do so he could stick the casserole in the oven for 15 mins. I yelled and I cried and I was upset. Not how I had pictured the last few minutes before leaving for my class. Then he calls me (cuz he thinks I left already) and asks where the fucking cheese is. The cheese is in the goddamn ice box where we always put cheese you dumbass...that's pretty much what I said...no, I'm not kidding...that's pretty much verbatim. He's so fucking helpless sometimes.

THEN he has this nasty skin tag thing on his armpit and he was gonna cut it off with some sterilized nail clippers (which I had heavily advised against since there are so many more less invasive ways to deal with it) and he wanted me to hold it out so he could clip it which I flat out refused cuz it grossed me out. Sorry. That's nastiness and my stomach isn't the strongest these days. At which time he says he will ask Kylie when she gets home. At which time I tell him, HELL NO..do not traumatize our 8-year old like that. I mean I really left no room for doubt about how I felt about it and forbid him to do it.

So upon arriving home from my breastfeeding class (in a much better mood) I find the garage door open AND the door from the house to the garage open. I am a little p.oed cuz I start freaking out that S could be out running around and what if I had run over her and etc. I get out of the car to hear Sophie screaming in the house in a way that I know is serious business so I rush in to find that Foy hit her with the laundry room door in her foot and cut it open. I contemplate going to the emergency room but it's a clean slice that's not too deep and it's not bleeding much so I decide that I think we're fine with some antibiotic cream (that door was kinda nasty) and some band-aids but I can't get Sophie to calm down because before I got there Foy does what he does best and went ape shit in a high stress situation and yelled at the other girls and freaked everyone out. I've seen him do it too many times not to picture exactly how this went down. Kids take their cues from you. If you are calm then they will be too. You fake it if you have to. That's what protecting them is about. To me anyways. Oh yeah, Sophie would have still cried because it hurt but she would have stopped. He had whipped her into a real frenzy and she screamed SCREAMED for the next hour. I laid down with her and read her a book finally and she calmed down. It seemed nothing would work at first.

When things calmed down...MUCH LATER...I got to asking how it happened. He was going to get band-aids out of his truck and rushed back in the house and didn't know she was behind the door. Band-aids before she was hurt? Oh yeah, for him because he did exactly what I told him not to do and had Kylie hold his nasty skin tag while he clipped it and OH YEAH, it gushed blood and freaked him and the kids out so he was rushing through the door because he was worried about himself. This probably made me maddest of all. I mean he said some asshole things but he's a dude....sometimes they don't even know they are being an asshole. And he hit Sophie with the door which was an accident...even though **I** know not to come barging through that door because the kids often hide behind it when they hear someone in the garage to scare them. He came rushing through that door though because he had done something I told him NOT TO  do. Shit hit the fan again. I'm still pissed. It's the next day and I'm still pissed. YES, I am. How can I trust him when I tell him SPECIFIC things not to do and I have specific reasons and he just ignores what the fuck I say like...whatever.

He felt like shit about it all when I more in depth explained why I did not want Kylie doing it and how the kids had already told me about it because unlike what he thinks it did have an effect on them and it didn't matter if he asked Kylie and she said yes. He is the adult..not only that but her Father..of course she's gonna say yes. YOU as a parent have to make some decisions that are in her best interest when she can't accurately judge what she is being asked to do. She didn't know it was gonna gush blood. AS A FUCKING ADULT he should have guessed this and not asked her. Anyways, between being insensitive to me, asking Kylie to help with something he shouldn't have, hitting Sophie with the door and me rubbing it in by telling him he gets the shitty Father and the shitty Husband award for the day....well, he felt bad but honestly that didn't make me feel better.

To explain more about why I didn't want Kylie doing that...**I** was a sensitive child and something like that would have upset me..a lot. Kylie is a stronger kid than I was and she MIGHT be ok but do we wanna take the chance that we aren't making unpleasant memories for her. I have memories that stick out to me from when I was a kid for unpleasant reasons because of some accident or some adult not making a responsible decision. I don't want to pepper my kids childhood with that....not when it can be prevented. It's like driving up on the scene of an accident when your a kid and it sticks out to you forever. Well, your parents might not could have avoided driving up on that but we can avoid some things....like blood gushing out of your Father's disgusting skin tag. THAT we can avoid. Jesus. Plus what if the kids ever get a skin tag..fat chance that isn't gonna stick out to them when we go to get it removed.

Nobody gonna hold me down, no-o, I got to keep on moving...

I'm a stubborn ol' bitch and nobody could argue otherwise. I WILL breastfeed and unless there is some serious medical emergency that is out of my hands this baby WILL be born at home. End of story. 

Root for me to fail. That only fans my flame. I mention bfing and everyone wants to talk about how hard it is. Been there, done that....I know it's hard. That's not gonna discourage me. It's gonna take a whole helluva lot more than that to get me down. I flourish in adversity. Some times I like to make up my own adversity just so I can kick it's imaginary ass. Ok, that was me kinda making fun of myself but you get the jist. 

Oh, real news. Ezra is head down. Big and giant. I can tell cuz my belly is huge and his movements have went from sharp kicks and punches to alien-like wiggling, haha. And it's a weird sensation. The braxton hicks have increased as of late which makes me excited. My body is preparing. 35 weeks in 2 days. I'm beginning to panic for real. I've never been a procrastinator with my babies but that's kinda happening. Foy is off tomorrow and hopefully we get lots done. And the next day is 'make final purchases online' day and if I have time then to Walmart to buy the sheets and towels I need for these birthing bags that the midwife wants me to have ready. Also tomorrow is my breastfeeding class and the next day we will have a final 3D u/s. We have some ok pics but this time they are suppose to be the best. It's getting close. Would it be....flashy? of me to take a video and post it to announce when my labor starts? You know what else, I would LOVE to have someone photograph my labor/delivery (no bloody gore or v jay jay shots!) but I don't know anyone well enough and at the same time not well enough, you know...but how bad do I want this? Is it time to be squeamish?

Monkey See, Monkey Do....right?

I've had a million post go through my head lately but I haven't been near the computer so they didn't get written down. One of them just came back to me though and I am sitting in front of the computer....well, about two feet from it unless I wanna sit the computer on my belly which makes me hot and uncomfortable and makes me start worrying about radiation (or whatever it is) hurting the baby (don't laugh at me) so I am reaching over my giant belly and boobs and typing this blog post.

One of the reasons that I'm so invested in breastfeeding and home birthing or just natural birth is my girls. My girls will grow up one day (really, they have to?) and they will have babies (maybe?) and I don't want to be my Mother. I want to have been there, done that and I won't to be able to offer them good advice and I want to have been a good example to them. I don't want them to assume babies are fed with bottles and not boobs and I don't want them to think an epi is the only way to have a baby and labor/delivery is this painful, horrible thing to avoid feeling or something that is only safely done at a hospital. I want to educate myself so I can educate them. I want to have a story to tell them...reassurances to offer. I don't want to be a hypocrite and push them to do anything I wasn't willing to do.

Mother Blessing

Ooooh, wouldn't that be fun? And it kinda follows what I was saying. Minus the gifts and up the positive thoughts and emotions! YES. I mean not the way some people describe it but a  much more toned down way.

Breech Birth. Fun Day. Positive Affirmations.

He has been doing flips and hasn't really settled head down which has been causing me some anxiety. I don't want a c/s (or a hospital birth) and I did get my mw to agree that if we try everything and he's still breech that she would PROBABLY attempt a breech delivery with me because I have a wide pelvis and have birthed 3 other children. This really made me happy BUT if I go off the feeling I have right now he is definitely head down. I call it "the heavy crotch feeling", haha. I feel like I need to squeeze my legs together or he might slip out. I feel SERIOUS pressure on my vagina (hey, this is my blog..you don't like my TMI get off!). I feel swollen and like I've been kicked in the crotch a couple of times. This isn't a very unpleasant feeling on one hand but if it means he's dropped into a head down position then I totally welcome it. Sneak a Peek U/S scheduled for Thursday so we'll see if he's head down  yet.....the one we had two weeks ago he was still head up and not in a good position for pics. I wanna get some nice shots of his little face....and Foy wants some more nice shots of his little hiney..just to be sure and all. I swear that man won't believe he's a boy until he comes out with boy parts. :)

I had a good day. We went to a great birthday and played afterwards. And now the hubs is headed home and stopping off to pick us up a movie. :) I think we'll order some pizza or pasta for dinner and have a relaxing evening. I guess I also feel good because I posted my FIRST belly pic today where other people could see it and people were very nice and complimentary. I guess I feel like such a beached whale right now that it was a  good ego boost. Lord knows I could use it right now. I don't know many women who couldn't use a boost in her last trimester.

Someone also asked me about a baby shower which was very SWEET. I don't really need anything but I had this idea that I was gonna tell someone if they asked me if I needed anything that what I'd really like is all the women who want to can write me out some positive affirmations on paper, poster board, cardboard or something nicer and decorate it and I'll put them up on my walls and be able to read them while I'm in labor. It can be funny affirmations like "My cervix is stretchy and my baby is squishy" or inspiring or something that they found good for themselves while in labor or approaching labor. It will be like being surrounded by friends who are cheering me on. That's how I'm picturing it anyways. Silly probably...huh. But I thought it was better than presents. I can live without presents. :)

Pubic Hair

I did not realize the percentage of women that abhor their body hair. Someone in my online group called it a '70s porn look' that she couldn't wait to get rid of. I mean I think I'm as girly as the next girl and there have been times (and still are) that I shave all mine...down there I'm talking about but I don't HATE it. It's not like an abomination. It's natural...it's part of my body. It's there for a reason. I mostly shave it when the hubs wants me to..or I'm planning some kind of special night with him or I'm going swimming and I trim the edges especially so I'm not sticking out of my bathing suit. It was brought as a question about wether you will groom yourself down there before labor. I had actually thought I might have Foy shave me this time before the baby (I have never shaved before) and now I'm just leaning toward a trim because a few ladies brought up a couple things I hadn't considered. Like...what if Foy were to nick me while shaving. I mean that would be bad enough if I weren't pregnant and expecting to labor soon..but if I'm about to do those things can you say EEEOOOWWWW. That makes me very nervous. And then someone mentioned it growing back postpartum and how uncomfortable and itchy that would be on top of all the other stuff you have going on down there.....NO THANK YOU. So now I think maybe I'll just have him trim it a little...if I trust him that much. I just wanted to get it out of my system about how I think it's natural and a little ridiculous to hate your body hair so much. One girl had 2 different laser removals and still shaved the small amount of hair she had left...can you say "issues"? I didn't want to piss them off with my opinion so I shall write it here...where I feel free to share my opinions. :)