More blah blah.

I'm going 'home' for our family reunion. I bought the tickets and little Ezzy baby will be going with me of course. I'm excited to see everyone and bought some new clothes for it and everything. :) And I got a new RS that I want to take with me for wearing him at the reunion, football game and in the airport. I'm renting a car so I'll even have my own wheels. This is really making my month (it's in October). I guess I also start getting paid at my 'job' (haha) for this month AND Halloween is coming..one of my fav holidays cuz it's all about the candy, mmhmm.

About Ezra, I did something bad. I totally need to turn in my Mommy card for it. ;) Here is my guilty confession: I didn't want to start Ezra on solids til 6 months as is recommended. Weeelll, I had this avocado..yes, this is a story of a teasing, tempting avocado. It was organic and right there.....SO I cut off a piece and gave it to him a few days ago (he'll be 6 months on the 3rd) and he wouldn't eat it, haha. He mashed it in his hands, then cried cuz his hands were messy so I cleaned him up. I mean the boy who puts everything in his mouth wouldn't put an avocado in there. I am doing BLW (baby led weaning) or as I prefer to call it BLS (Baby Led Solids) which is just a fancy way of saying I'm not giving him baby food. :) No purees. Just things from the table or whole fruits and veggies steamed or softened if needed. He will feed himself. I won't poke things in his mouth. My breast milk is plenty enough for him right now.

I talked to the Babywearing Institute and they are willing to start taking payments for my classes I want to take to become a CBE (Certified Babywearing Expert). I have a good start to a babywearing library. I have some books like New Active Birth and The Birth Partner that I am contributing to Kyria's lending library. She is about half way to her LLL leader goal. I hope she gets one started soon and I'm doing everything I can to encourage and help her. She has another placenta to encapsulate soon so I have agreed to keep her little girl. I feel a little bit better about it now that I don't think she's crazy or a 'user', lol. I did not know that to become a IBCLC that you must be a LLL leader for 2 years among lots of other qualifications. That's crazy. That's serious commitment. I would totally have loved to but having waited til baby #4 to figure out how wonderful bfing is.....I just don't think I can. If I knew I would have another baby (fat chance) then I would totally do what I could to get started on that journey. I do hope to babywear for years to come...and then wear my grandkids when the time comes. ;)

This blog was just to say some things that have been on my mind.

Now I need to go fix dinner. Blech.

Pow! There goes a good day.

It's amazing how I can be having a really great day and then just one thing can bring it crashing down around me. :( I got up and got everybody dressed and we went to Denny's for breakfast, then we went to the mall where I bought some new clothes (first ones since I first got pregnant) which I really like, then to Applebee's for our nurse-in with Kyria and then home where the kids didn't give me TOO much lip about cleaning their room. It was all hunky dory great! Oh, and I checked the mail and got my ring sling and a new diaper. Here they are.

This is my SBP (Sleeping Baby Productions THE go to source for converting your wraps into slings) Girasol (Gira for short) RS (ring sling) Romantique (meaning the colors). I haven't gotten to try him in it because he's been sleeping since we got home but I'm really excited for it! I think I will take this on my trip home.

I also got my new Dolce Baby daiper. It's beautiful.

Anyways, on to what ruined it. I have barely seen my dh in days. He's working until very late and leaving very early. I honestly feel like our marriage is not in a great place. We are both arguing a lot with each other and looking for a fight. We need to get this figured out. I have tried to make him see but he just doesn't seem to get it or thinks it's better to ignore it. Having sex would probably help, BAH, like we do that anymore. This is the only draw back I have found to bfing is my absolute serious ZERO sex drive. I called him to see when he's coming home and like every night....'it'll probably be late'. Boo. Now my really great day is being bummed by all this. :(

ADD

I'm going to Texas for my family reunion with Ezra. I'm so excited and looking forward to it. I hope he does well on the plane though. I'm trying to decide if I want to check a bag. I know it's 25$ but I would really like to take more diapers than will fit in just a carry-on. I KNOW I could sposie...but I just can't bring myself to do it. OH< OH I should go buy myself something nice to wear. I haven't bought new clothes since I found out I was pregnant and I bought a few new maternity clothes. I just bought a new RS. It's a Gira RS Romantique. I'm pretty excited about it. I hope I get it soon and get plenty of practice in before I take it with me. I think I might bring the Ergo too. I heard a woven wrap is not the way to go because it's so hard to get on and off and you have to remove it for security. It would also be hard to put on while on the plane. The space is so tight. I have arranged a payment plan to pay for the classes to become a Certified Babywearing Expert (that sounds so corny). Lately I've been thinking I should work on becoming an IBCLC. I mean, it's something I could do with my kids. You have some workshops and have to attend some meetings. There is some reading. I guess I should look into it some more. Or I should probably just work on one thing at a time, lol. I have serious ADD when it comes to almost anything. I have this weird jack of all trades, master of none thing going on, haha. I always feel like I need to have a rudimentary knowledge of all sorts of things but then I get bored with it quickly. I did this with scrapbooking, then knitting and now on to all sorts of babywearing devices and training.....who knows what my ADD will move onto next! At least I realize this is how I am. I have a bit ..just a little bit of an obsessive personality.

Money Snobs and the Family Reunion

I guess I should say that I see people being snobs about all sorts of things. Some people are 'snobs' about how they buy nothing new or getting really good deals. They brag about how they spent X amount of money and got a whole wardrobe. If I spent double X amount of money then they'd think (in a way) that they are superior to me. When I confess to being a 'cloth diaper snob' then I say this in jest.

I have a weird ideal when it comes to money. I don't care if it costs 2 dollars and 200 dollars. If I want it then I want it. It doesn't hold more value to me if it cost 200 dollars. I'll treat it the same as the 2 dollar item. Items only have the value that you give them. The same for any item or thing in your life. For example, I know some people who spend 100 bucks easy on a cloth diaper. ON A CLOTH DIAPER. That's because that item holds value to them. I also don't care if they spend 100 dollars on it because it's not my money. When she told me she spent that much I didn't say "Your crazy!" or "I could have bought groceries for two weeks on that!" or any of those annoying things that people say to me when they know how much I spent on something. You know why? Because it's not my money. Its her money. She isn't hurting me by spending money on what makes her happy. I won't belittle her or make her feel bad. She asked if I'd do the same and I said...if I wanted it bad enough and had the cash then yeah, I'd buy it.

Things or people only have the value that YOU assign them.

I was thinking yesterday about my Grandma dying. I rarely let my mind go there. I thought how nothing could keep me away from her funeral and I couldn't think about it anymore. Then I thought about the family reunion coming up. Why would I rush to her funeral letting nothing stand in my way after she's dead? I mean she won't know I'm there. I won't be able to talk to her or hug her. *sob* Why wouldn't I spend the money now to hug her, to talk with her, to share my children with her and just be with her? So someway, somehow I will find the money to go to the family reunion. Even if it's just Ezra and I. I want to spend the money to spend time with her now.

The tickets are INSANE though because it's less than a month away. 400$. SHEESH. I will find a way though. I'll keep searching for tickets. I'll save some money. I'll pass on a wrap or two. ;) I will also need to rent a car for a couple days.

Confessions of a Cloth Diaper snob

I haven't bought sposies in several months. I cloth diapered when I drove across the country to Texas and my whole two week visit there and my drive back. I do not own a 'back up' supply of sposies. The only time I would use sposies is in the case of a virus (that involves diarrhea), a yeast infection (getting yeast out of diapers are things bad dreams are made of) or he was prescribed an antibiotic that has the side effect of diarrhea. Should any of these happen then I'll run get sposies...other than that, I LIKE not having to buy them. Some people (even LONG term cloth diaperers) are scared to do what I do. To live without a 'back up' but I'm not scared. It so EASY. I don't know why you wouldn't. And I never hardly have leaks..even at night!

I'm becoming quite the CD snob, seriously. Someone who uses sposies at night or for travel.....eh, I'm like WOOSE. Someone who has to always have the back up when out and about, WOOSE. And then there are the hardcore cloth addicts and those 'commercial' brand people. If you only buy commercial then you have NO idea what your missing. Oh, or the hybrid people who have the flushable inserts (still sposeing I think!). Then there is the people who only use prefolds because they have no idea how great the other styles are. Or the only pocket user because that works for them. I am (lately) totally a fitted/AI2 snob. The fitted world is highly competitive right now and expensive and SO CUTE and fantastic because a well made fitted does not require a cover AND does not use PUL so it's very environmentally friendly. I also dig prefolds but I have yet to find one that I don't need a cover for so PUL. I am also working to be as environmentally friendly as possible and fitteds are fitting in with that. :)

How much does foreskin cost?

Sometimes I feel like a shitty intactivist. Did you know that they sale your baby's foreskin to labs to test products on and include in skin creams? Just google 'foreskin skin creams'. I will provide links if you need them. You sign a consent form for them to do with it whatever they want. You thought medical waste, right? NOPE, it's big business. No wonder doctors, hospitals and those in health care ONLY IN THE USA are standing in line to cut your baby's penis up.

Don't be shy, say HI!

I do wish my readers would take an opportunity on this post and introduce themselves. It's weird to me that I share my inner most thoughts to complete strangers...probably better that way, lol since sharing them with my loved ones usually gets me in trouble. I just wish I knew who read, that's all.

So if your not too shy then please say hi!

Skip to my Lou, my darlin' (yeah, I'm skipping around)

I usually have a very healthy outlook of myself. There is a person on my FB (yes, I'm going to bitch about FB AGAIN) who wrote as her status something like 'Would you rather work out an hour a day or be dead 24 hours a day?'. First off, that's really dumb. Second, there are people that work out who die young. Third, you can be healthy without working out for an hour a day. I know what she was trying to say but seriously she is such a work out snob. I have friends on my FB who work out or run...and they are enthusiastic about it but they don't tell me I'm gonna die if I don't. That's just dumb. I don't like her. She's Foy's cousin. I'll probably keep her on my page but I don't like her.

I also saw today that some woman is gonna love herself no matter what BUT she did lose 26 lbs and works out 5 days a week. SMH. I won't tell her so but that but just defeated her. If you have to lose weight or work out to love yourself then your already climbing the wrong damn tree. I mean, it's great to do those things but your body size should not be tied into your self worth. I really like to focus on being healthy and not losing weight. I hate women with weight issues. Lose weight or stfu. Then again that's how I feel about most issues. JUST DO IT.

On a semi-related topic, I was talking with my brother, Cash about how he has to get away when he's 18. He's gonna have a road to climb and it might not be easy but unless he wants to be ruled by Mom for the rest of his life then he's gonna have to get out. I talked about my struggle and my road out. He said, "Man, you must be mentally tough.". You know what, I am. I never really thought of putting it that way. I know I'm tough on people. I don't stand for bull shit. I don't make excuses. I won't listen to them whine. I feel like I'm not sympathetic enough....but I'm mentally tough. I don't let myself use stupid excuses. I ride myself just as roughly as I ride other people. I like to get to the bottom line while other people are still trying to soften the blow. I don't know why I'm this way. I feel like Sheldon, lol. I don't get what the norm is ....well, I do but mostly I don't get WHY we have to do some of the things we do. I totally get him (this is a Big Bang reference BTW which I'm obsessed with lately). Bazinga!

I'm a little disappointed in a couple of my diaper purchases lately. I got ordered 3 customs from 2 different WAHM's and they are taking FOREVER. I'm kinda done with customs after this! I'm finally suppose to be getting one next week but we'll see. I asked about the other one and she said sending them out the beginning of next week so hopefully I'll get two next week and one is a little farther out and it's the one I wanted badly. They are kinda turning me off and frustrating me.

Anyways, it's late and I've had a long day with Ezra. He is doing some serious teething. He took a couple naps but he's fussy and I had a hard time getting him to sleep. We had a rough night last night and I'm expecting one again tonight.

We had plans this weekend but they didn't work out. :( I'm pretty bummed about it but I do hope that at least maybe I could get some time away from home without the kids. I could really use a break....just for a drink or a movie or both. Even if I could get my nails done or maybe go shopping for a few minutes. Just anything would be good for my psyche.

I have NO sex drive lately. It's horrible. I'm pretty sure it's the breastfeedings fault. I mean after the other 3 kids I got it back pretty quick but now I have zero, zilch, nada, NONE. I have had low sex drive at points during my 10 years of marriage but I've never had none, til now that is. I feel bad for Foy. Any time we have had it, it's been pity sex and I was really just ready to get it over with before it started. I think this is probably biology, nature, whatever you wanna call it's way of spacing our children apart. I haven't gotten my period back (THAT IS SO FREAKIN' AWESOME!) and I have no drive. Not that we're getting pregnant again anyways but there is no chance this way, lol. Plus we always use condoms because I'm not dumb and I know that I can still be ovulating while not bleeding.

It's late. I don't have time to proofread this. I need to hurry to bed so Foy won't pressure me for sex when he gets home. That's sad, I know. I can't help it.

Didymos Malawi Fiches and my J-O-B. :)

I'm getting paid. I'm getting paid! haha. Just 25$ a month but it's for what I would be doing anyways. I was asked to mod my due date group and they will pay me 25$ a month for 50 posts or replies. Should be simple enough. They'd like for me to spend 20 minutes a day and try to be on 5 or 6 days in a week. Other than the amount of posts though there aren't any rules and there is room for bonuses. I have an online friend who gets a check from Google for her youtube site and she also fills out surveys for money. They just put it in your pay pal account but I'd totally take it. It would give me a little money to blow on diapers and wraps.

I got a Didy Malawi Fiches the other day. I like it. It's soft, floppy and broken in already. Here are a few crappy pics I took. I'm still not getting the back carry. Foy is suppose to be off Sun, Mon and Tues so we are definitely gonna practice. I'm not sure I like back carry's yet anyways. I tried him on my back in the Ergo and he was fussy and I couldn't soothe him since he was behind me. I won't give up on it yet though. I think I needed to make some adjustments. He was too low. Anyways, the malawi fiches...

You can't really see the fishies but it's purple and green and has fishies on it. I'll try to get a close up pic soon. 

Ask nicely please.

Someone on my FB who is marrying a complete loser (but it's really not my place to tell her so) just updated her status with "Inbox me your address or I'll assume you don't want an invite to this awesome wedding for a princess". UH, yeah, I'm gonna get right on that shit.

Can you say TACKY? If you want to send me an invite or a Christmas card or.....anything you need to ask for my address. Plain and simple.

 She acts like she's doing ME a favor giving me an invite when I'd be doing her a favor if I came. Or that's how I see it. :p

She had an abortion.

My sister had an abortion...or at least I think she did. I haven't really asked her if she went through with it but I assume if she hadn't then she would have told me so. I'll start at the beginning.

I would show you copies of the texts but I deleted them for her safety. My Mom, kids or brother could have got ahold of them. They are always snatching my phone. I texted her asking if she had some baby items I needed for Ezra. I was specifically asking about a baby bathtub because he is still not sitting up good (he especially wasn't then) and he's too small for the big one. I didn't want to have to drag a bathtub all the way to Texas in my car for no reason. She said she did and then she said she had to tell me something and that text probably wasn't best but that she was pregnant and having an abortion.

I've always considered myself pro-choice. If you had asked me before this moment then I would have definitely said I was. I immediately went off a little about why the FUCK wasn't she taking birth control..while admitting that it was a little late. I asked her if she was going alone or if she had told our step-sister (actually ex step sister). She said the Father or her boyfriend or whatever he is was going and she had NOT told Jamie. I figured she didn't tell Jamie because Jamie has tried off and on for years to conceive and can't. I'm not sure how she would have reacted. I urged her to find a reputable doctor and not some back alley hack and that's when she said that it wasn't what I thought. It is called a medical abortion. If you are 5 weeks then  you take a pill and essentially it makes you miscarry. You have to go in and have an ultrasound to check how far along you are and get 5 hours of counseling. You come back the next day and if you are still going to do it then you get the pill. I wanted to be supportive of her so I didn't have much else to say. I did urge her to make sure this was HER choice and that she wasn't being pressured and that I would support her. And I told her that I would help her if she wanted to keep it and that I know our Mother would too. She begged me not to tell our Mother and I promised I wouldn't. If our Mother knew she would disown her. She would....hate her. It would forever change their relationship.

I wish I had been there..in person when she told me. I could have read her, her body language...I could have seen if I really thought it was what she wanted or if she was just doing it to please this man. She is so....easily influenced. I should know. I've been bossing her around for years. I was told by my online group that lots of women have regrets and it sorta ruins their whole lives. I read story after story about this.

I tried not to think about it. It's her life. It's her choice.......right? I saw her a few days after I got there and about 2-3 days after she would have taken the pill. I felt.......angry with her. I felt disappointed with her. I mean this is completely preventable! Why would she go to these extremes? She is the person I would think least capable of even thinking of an abortion much less following through with it. She had problems conceiving my nephew. (She has an 18 month old and is recently divorced.) She is more religious than me. She has always been so sensitive and caring. She loves children. It seems like I would have been more likely to be have done it or to be in the situation. I was always careful with my birth control but there might have been a time ...when I was single and 19 and I made some really bad choices that I might have had one. I don't know if I could have followed through. Thankfully I was never in that situation. I had a friend who had one but it's different when it's your friend and when it's your sister...your nephew or niece she is aborting.

I think after having had a child...that I could never do that. I just don't know. If I were a victim of rape...maybe. I just don't know. I don't want to be sanctimonious about it.

From the beginning I didn't feel like I had anyone to confide in and didn't know what to think or say. I still feel like it's something that I'm keeping at arms length...that I can't seem to fully process. It's too late to do anything. I don't want her regret to be mine. I did the right thing, right? I said the right things?

I think I'm still pro-choice. I'm just sad. Abortion isn't for me ...and I didn't think it was for her. I don't know if I can ever feel the same for her. We've never been especially close anyways and now I feel like I don't even know her. This guy is not a forever kind of guy. He's just one guy on her radar. One guy she's looking to 'save' her or marry her. That's a whole other story though. One I don't have the emotions for tonight.

I ask that if your a family member or friend of our family and you read this to please not judge her harshly and please keep your pie hole shut. This is a very sensitive subject and information like this could ruin someones life. I don't mean to ruin her life. I just wish I knew that at least this decision was hard for her. Not as easy as she made it sound.

I just don't know.....I don't know. :(

Just a Vent.

I sold one of my friends some clothes and because she is my friend and because she sorta made me feel shitty about pricing things too high, I gave her a good deal. I see on a swap (that she may not know I am on) that she is selling some of the clothes....which is fine. She may have got them home, tried them on her daughter and they didn't work for whatever reason BUUUT she's selling them for MORE than I sold them to her! I don't remember EXACTLY what I priced everything but there was this one Easter dress in particular that I remember I charged her 5 bucks and she's charging 8. It's not the money of the thing. It's really the principle. I am trying to let it go and not be petty but I keep seeing it in my newsfeed and getting p.o.ed all over again.

Zen Ginger. Calm Ginger. Think happy thoughts Ginger.

BEST. INTERNET. DAY. EVER.

I was featured on kellymom.com on FB. I sent her 4 of my pictures from bfing in my wrap and she picked two and made this. I also sent the four pics to "Respect the Breast" and "The Skeptical Mother". I was overwhelmed with the positive replies and shares for the most part. I was honestly expecting MORE negative ones. The kellymom rep even said that I should expect the ignorant (she didn't use that word but we both know...) replies like 'she's showing too much breast' blah blah. I told her that was ok. I am a pretty secure person. Sometimes too secure. No, I didn't say that last sentence but it's true. I got over 1000 likes, almost 40 shares and over 100 comments. *blissful sigh* Honestly this helps me even more to feel no shame. I was disappointed that not ONE SINGLE FAMILY member supported me by liking the photo or commenting. I was disappointed though not surprised. They are notorious formula feeders who wish I would cover up more. I'm sure my Mom is cringing every time she passes this pic in my newsfeed and I can't say that doesn't make me a little bit happy. Take that Momma! Nursing cover, whhaaaaat? I'll show my boob to the entire internet, what what. NOW let's talk about what I need to cover. HA. 

 Www.kellymom.com was instrumental INSTRUMENTAL in my bfing success. She is the go-to online source. I have such admiration for her site. Her site, my online support group, the books I read and the lactation consultant were instrumental. Supply  and demand. Supply and demand. Supply and demand. I just had to keep saying it. Even now I have to say to myself "all that matters is diaper count" and just keep repeating. We have it so ingrained in us to distrust our bodies and our breasts. God knows how we thought we made it this far on just the boob juice. I got amazing support for this photo and my other bfing post in my online community. Those ladies really know how to make a girl feel special. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't see bfing as so normal. I'm so tired tonight. Perhaps I can elaborate on how I feel tomorrow. If I had to pick a word I'd go with 'euphoric'. It feels nice to accomplish a goal you set for yourself.
I showed the kids my online support for my photo and they were blown away too. They think I'm pretty damn awesome. The whole internet can admire me and that's a drop in the bucket to what it feels like to impress my kids. :))

Didy ACTION

I got my Didy. I've been trying to get him in a successful back carry and I am just not getting it. I tried on my bed and in front of the mirror. He wiggles too much, straightens his legs and gets irritated with me. I'm not done trying but I need Foy to help me. I've watched a ton of videos already. I WILL PREVAIL. I did wear him in the front just to introduce him to the new wrap. He was getting tired of me trying a back carry and honestly I just wanted to be successful at something and I know I can front carry in FWCC so I did.

Pardon how I look like crap, this is Ezra in a FWCC.  (front wrap cross carry)

From the side. 

                                        

Me and the kids. <3 bling="bling" checking="checking" ezra="ezra" from="from" his="his" is="is" jewelry.="jewelry." life.="life." loves="loves" mom="mom" my="my" new="new" out="out" smart="smart" td="td" teething="teething">

Just for fun, this is me in the Mei Tai. I have started using it around the house quite a bit. I hope to use it on my back soon. 

Breastfeeding in a size 8 Didymos Aqua Waves woven wrap with size M cups. That's right, they DO make cups that big! It can be done! I am proof. It may not be pretty or very discreet, lol but it can be done. And if we were in public I could throw my cover over or just something over my boob and not over him cuz he isn't loving a cover. I was just so happy I could do it. Don't mind the bitten lip, lol. That me concentrating on the pic.

When I was trying to take a pic of me nursing in the wrap, Ezra caught a glimpse of himself in the phone. He loves to look at his own face which is funny. I told his Dad that he not only looks like him but acts like him. So vain! lol. In love with his own face. I love his face too. :)

He was loving the wrap and loving outside. He's my sweet sugar. 

I bought a Didy! I bought a Didy!

I bought a Didymos wrap! I don't have time for much of a post but I'm so excited for a new wrap...well, my first woven. I can't wait to get it and try all sorts of new carries with it. It was put in the mail today so I should have it soon. I also am looking into becoming a CBE (Certified Babywearing Expert) and getting a lending library started. I would LOVE to have one. I am well on my way with the carriers I have so far. I think I may have traded my cloth diaper addiction in for a babywearing addiction. Which kinda sucks because they are way more expensive, lol! Now I'm gonna have to sale some diapers so I can afford a new wrap. I already have some must haves on my list. Maybe I should try a Girasol next......or a Natibaby....or......

I will make sure and post action shots when I get it. I am off to google videos about wrapping. I have a few recommendations for sites and videos to frequent. I just love looking at this wrap. It's Aqua Waves 100% cotton. Next maybe I want a cotton/linen one or maybe a cotton/hemp one. I really like the sound of the silk blends but I heard they are hard to take care of. 

I also got the Mei Tai to work for us today. I'll try to add pics tomorrow. 

UGH, tomorrow. I have so much to do. Mainly washing clothes and diapers. UGH UGH.