Everything I Wanna Say To My Sister And Can't

Soooo..I found out this morning that my sister is smoking...yes that fact alone is bad enough but she's several week pregnant..probably right around the beginning of her second trimester though that doesn't matter. Anyways, I can't tell you how I felt..but I'll try. Livid, furious, disappointed, sad, angry, disgusted, revolted, violent, sick...that's what comes to mind right now. I cried. I went from wanting to jump a plane so I could rush over to slap the shit out of her to crying in the shower. WHY? WHY? She tried so hard to have this baby..she miscarried three times and spent the better part of a year trying to get pregnant. If you could slap the stupid out of someone I'd be willing to try on her right now. But you know if she doesn't give a rats ass about her baby's life and well-being then I can't make her. I can't make her stop being selfish. You know putting your needs before your unborn child makes you a crappy mother period. She's an ADDICT, a fucking addict. I don't care if it is cigarettes. It's an addict who puts their needs before their children. And she's mad that people know...she wants to hide the fact. Fuck, if I was there I'd write it in permanent marker on her fucking forehead. I'm serious. I'm not one to cause drama (alright, no one say a word) but we'd wind up getting the cops called and I'd go to jail if we lived at home right now for smacking around and threatening a pregnant woman. Stupid bitch. You know, it would be easier not to care. If I saw some pregnant woman smoking...yeah, I'd be irritated. I'd wanna slap her but I'd forget in a couple hours...if it was a friend then I could not support but possibly ignore her bad choices but this is my sister..my niece or nephew she's poisoning. I love her, I love this baby ...that's why I care, that's why I'm mad. I tried to call her. It's probably best she didn't answer. I would have probably said some things that would have got me banned from ever seeing this child when it gets here...most likely severely under-weight and premature with health problems if not now then in the future...jut cuz she couldn't control an urge for a cigarette. Shit, if it was legal I'd fight her for the custody of that unborn child right now. You don't deserve to have a kid if you can't fucking control yourself, stupid retarded...

I'm gonna talk to her at some point. She WILL hear what I have to say...she will be angry with me. Shit, I'm angry with her so I don't care. I need some time though. I'm sure she realizes how crappy it is...what's she doing and hopefully she can make a change for the better.