First Birthday Boy!

Today my baby boy turns 1.

Remember in my last post how I avoid unpleasant things..well, I've kind of avoided this topic all day. It makes me sad, like my heart will explode with the sadness of it all.

See, I can't even blog about it......

He has the bluest eyes. 

His smile makes the sunshine in heart. 

This is my Kangaroo Care nursing/babywearing necklace. We both love that thing. It's bright cheerful colors make me happy. 

This is our 'official' first birthday diaper. It was made by Kim's Cloth. The softest minky inside and out. He's a rootin' tootin' cutie in it. 

This is one of my all time fav pics of us. I feel it expresses our feelings best. There is a connection, a deep unexplainable connection. Sometimes we press our foreheads together and it calms us both. I feel all my worry go away and he instantly calms as well. 

I think this displays one of my fav wraps in an awesome way. Earthy Rainbow by Girasol is definitely a legacy wrap for Ezra. I'm thinking we might have it converted to a MT though. My sign is Earth and this wrap speaks to me. 

Flowers need sunshine!

Sometimes I think my husband isn't happy unless I feel like him.

He's the uptight one. He worries about EVERYTHING. So he made it his life goal to get us out of debt. I mean he scrambled, worked, planned and finally we are pretty much debt free except for our car and house (plus usual utilities). NOW he's stressed because we're not saving enough money. That's just his personality. He can't function without stress. I should also add he's on meds for stomach ulcers that are precancerous. Actually they are in his esophagus and are from stomach acid BUT details aside they are stress related. He's always been this way. I couldn't function like he does. My heart would give out. I would break into.

I on the other hand am a free spirit. I don't worry about things I can't control. I'm a pay the minimum kind of girl....and it might even be late sometimes because I was busy living life. Oh fine, yes I procrastinate and I avoid things that are unpleasant. BUT I was single and paying my own bills before I met him. I was married and paying my own bills until he got the job he has and we decided I would quit. I CAN be responsible. My responsibility is just more happy go lucky than his.

The kids are upsetting us. I am working really hard on my gentle parenting. I am working on 'freeing my kids'. I am trying to come from less of an authoritarian stance and trying to get them to agree with me on things. It really comes down to ONE issue and that's cleaning up after themselves. One of my friends thinks she has solved the issue by getting rid of ALL of her kids toys. All of them. She just took them away except for like 1 or 2. I have my doubts. First off, my kids barely ever watch tv and I like that. Secondly, they DO play with toys...that's usually how they wind up all over my house. EVERYWHERE. If I could just find some potion or words or way to make them pick up after themselves..... :(

Foy makes me feel like a failure. We just spent over 30 minutes of him telling me that the kids don't mind, the house is a wreck (apparently it's so bad he'll have take a vaca to help me organize it), we can't and never will afford a larger house, we can't save money because I spend too much, blah blah blah.....and now he can be happy because I feel punched, repeatedly punched. I feel just as sad, downtrodden and worried as he does. I feel just as negative.

I'm the positive one. I see the sunny side always..in every situation. It's my charm.
I don't function well in this dark and gloomy state. I'm susceptible to depression.

I need positive things to look forward to. I need sunshine and light and a devil may care attitude.

Fuck. I think I just need a drink. God, that sounds good. 

Sex with A-holes (never a good idea)

Oh. My. God.

My head is going to explode.

I just read some thread from some chick I barely know (just on the interwebs) about how she's 7 weeks pregnant by some douche who has already admitted he doesn't want to be in the baby's life AND he has another girl pregnant at the same time AND this chick has a baby that turns one this month whose Father she does not get along with and she has constant court battles with. Ok, what really blew my mind was an entire conversation about how he didn't wear a condom. What.the.fuck. Uh, #1 Dude don't wear a condom you say, "GET THE FUCK OFF ME OR PUT A CONDOM ON.". It's really that simple. #2 Why is birth control only his responsibility? Get on some yourself. You are bringing new life into the world and all you got is, "He sucks for not wearing a jacket.". #3 Why are you having sex with big fat douche bags who don't want to care for the children they put in your belly. I can guarantee you he didn't suddenly become an a-hole, he was one when you had sex with him. Don't have sex with assholes.

This makes me wanna go talk to my girls right now. Men are...look, there Dad is a good guy but I know way too many men who run out. Birth control is the responsibility of both parties. That baby will grow in your belly. YOU will deal with the consequences when he is already in the rear view. Have sex with men (on birth control) that you would WANT to make a baby with to begin with.

I really can't believe people can be so idiotic and ignorant but this should not surprise me.