Maybe It's the Cult of "Love Yourself and Tolerate No Bullshit"

I think I've decided the cult my Mother may be talking about. It started with intactivism and it spread. I am more open, more loving, and more accepting in many ways that she would not understand. She didn't believe in helping others. She believed the worst in others. She always had such a small and mean spirited way of seeing things. I don't do that anymore. In some ways I have closed other doors though. I do not tolerate violence, especially toward children. I will not listen to you talk about it. I will not watch you put it into action. I will not have people in my life who promote or take part in it.

So I am less accepting in ways she would like as a verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive person and I a more accepting in ways she does not like meaning the LGBTQAI+ community and races among other things.

A Mother's Love

My MIL came to visit and when she did she told me she saw my Mother in Walmart. My body betrayed me in that moment and I felt a little thrill that I was going to get news. What I knew in that moment is no matter how much I can assure myself that the best thing is not having contact with her, that I will continue to miss and mourn her, and that I will be sad. 

She told me that my Mom told her I was in a cult. This isn't the first time I heard this since she also told my cousin this at my Grandma's birthday party that I purposefully missed because of her. A fucking cult. I kid you not. I really don't know what part of my life she feels is cultish. I feel like she may think being an intactivist was joining a cult which is hilarious but I really think she's scared by the changes she saw in me after that. I've been on a life changing journey of acceptance of myself and others, of love of myself and others...Yes, I have changed. I stopped hitting my kids. I've mostly stopped yelling. I decided I was an atheist. I started attending a Unitarian Universalist Church. 

I feel like I'm closer to being the person I was always meant to be. I feel like this awakening would have happened sooner if she hadn't been such a destructive force in my life. 

What happened was that I woke up and realized that she was abusive and that remaining in a relationship with her was toxic. I learned to love myself and to take care of myself and to decide that is not what is best for me and my children. 

What I find really funny is that started spreading these rumors about me and trying to take my sister's kids only after my sister confronted her about our abusive childhoods and why she would kick our brother out of the house. When confronted and asked to account for herself she turned to slander against me and Erica. She's an evil person..

and she's my Mother. It's so very complicated. 

I cried. Great big crushing tears, body shaking, ugly crying on Foy's shoulder. I didn't mean to. I went to tell him and his Mom had already told him. I just started crying. The truth is I wish I could cry more. Some part of me wants to fall into a giant hole of depression but I won't because I have these kids and I have UU and I have purpose.

 I am loved by someone. I am worthy of respect. I am deserving of all the good things. 

When the one person who is suppose to love you doesn't then telling yourself these things is so important. 

Ramblings of those who didn't sleep well.

UU has this thing called 'covenant groups'. It's like small groups of friends who meet once a month outside of church to support each other and talk about things going on with them or just to talk. I've been really looking forward to joining one since they sound a lot like my favorite 'sunday school' activity which is just a group of people who get together and talk about things. I'm having a lot of nerves about it though. I don't like committing especially if I don't feel fully informed and the groups give out very little info. They only tell you the days, times, and places they meet. They only list the groups and you pick them on ONLY that criteria. I want a group I will like!

I missed the social justice meeting this week because they had like an introduction to UU class after church that I've been meaning to take. I wanted to attend the justice meeting since I had attended a SA Feminist Unite get together and met the leader of the local chapter of NOW (National Organization for Women). I should get an email of the minutes though. It's hard to add any constructive talk afterwards though.

I was giving someone parenting advice on a thread (how to deal with young children and tantrums) and someone asked if I had interference from my relatives or husband and those sorts of questions always throw me off. I do not. I ask my husband why and he said because they are scared of me but even complete strangers do not look at me and think there is a woman wanting advice. I only wish I could point to a quality or characteristic that makes me NOT be a victim of this so then maybe others can fake it.