Nobody rules this body but ME.

I often write things in private groups but I don't share them with my general Facebook page and I feel sometimes I do my friends a disservice. Sometimes they think they know me but they are only a party to what I have chosen to show them. I try to pick what the material is I want to talk about so where it's an appropriate place to post it. If it's a private rant about my husband then in a off topic baby wearing group of local women or in a private group of close friends. If it's a parenting question then often in a whole life unschooling group since I know they parent similar to me. If it's about religion I often pick an atheist group. Sometimes I have things to say that I think no one wants to hear me ramble and that often arrives here.

Some thoughts I had recently.

I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian religion with lots of rules about women's bodies. Rules about what we could put on our bodies (no makeup, no cutting your hair, no jeans or shorts, no jewelry, etc) and rules about what we could do with our bodies (told where to sit in church, sex shamed and taught abstinence or hell). 

I went from that to what I thought were some unwritten societal rules about women. It's gross to have armpit hair, women don't have shaved heads, and fat girls can't love their bodies among them.

One day I realized I had just traded one set of rules for another and baby wasn't going back in a corner.

Nobody rules this body but ME.

So I had half my head shaved yesterday and I grow armpit hair. That's one finger on each hand in the air for YOU society and a religion that restricts instead of grows.

The conversation that brought about these words was when I was getting my head shaved. The hairdresser asked if I felt lighter. I told her nothing could compare figuratively or literally to the moment when I shed the rules of my religion and cut my hair for the first time at 18. That was a taste of freedom. 

Sometimes I cringe that I feel like I'm still defining myself. I'm still learning myself. I feel like I'm doing things a teen should do, stretching her wings and defining her style, but here I am a woman of 35 still stretching her wings and defining her style. 

Other times I feel like no matter what kind of childhood I had I would still be the woman I am because I get bored easily. I hate the mundane and the unimaginative. 

I read this article on children of narcissist and I can't decide if wanting attention is a horrible thing or a valid thing. I have the same problem that they talk about. I cut my hair into an extreme style or dye it a vibrant color and then shy away when someone makes a big deal about it. It has to be frustrating for others. 

I just want to know the choices I am making for myself ARE ruled by me and not ruled by my past. I don't want all of them to be because I am still trying to overcome or I'm still trying to prove SOMETHING to somebody. 

I wasn't sure how Foy was going to feel. It was rather funny actually. I showed up at the house after deciding to drive all night home when I had planned to stay at my sister's in Houston. I showed up when I turned to the shaved side he was half asleep and was like 'OMG, what happened to your hair?!?" HAHA. I started to say I was set upon by a gang of ruffians ...but it's ok, they just wanted half my hair. WTF did he think had happened? ha. 

He was kind of in a crabby mood all that day and I asked him if it was about my hair. He said maybe and I told him to get over it. I don't tell him what tats to get (He got at least two of them while I was out of town.) and those are permanent. His body, his decision. My body, my decision. 


All of the heavy accessing of my reasons behind it, I like it and I got many compliments when grocery shopping the next day. One woman just stopped and looked at me and said, 'You are beautiful.". It was amazing. I've never had a stranger have that effect before. I like to think it's my happiness or my smile or just my giant FUCK YOU to convention that they admire. 

I also got new shoes and a couple new outfits. Outfits that are terribly inappropriate for a fat girl if you ask some but I also say fuck you to that. Fuck any negativity. Fuck whether you approve of my body. Fuck your opinions. They don't belong on me. 

Spend more time picking your baby daddy or live to regret it.

So on a Fb gripe again...so you can stop reading if you want but here goes....

There's this chick...I don't know her but apparently she got pregnant and had a baby with a man she was never married to and no longer is with.

Her status update: AND THE DADDY OF YEAR AWARD GOES TO: (STEVE LEWIS JR!) me:" Hey Steve can you run 2 wal-mart & the baby some milk, he's out" steve: "Hey do you know its my birthday?" Me: "Hey the baby is out of milk, can you please go & get some?" steve: "It's my birthday & I'm about 2 go out of town." WOW!! Where do they do that @? What kinda DAD is that? NOOOO WHAT WAS I THINKING! I didnt make a good choice but-SEE YOU IN COURT!

You know she did this...she made this bad choice. She made this bed and dammit the least she could do is lie in it and shut the fuck up about it.

In her comments she says: Yea you right! And thanks, he is my angel!! Its a shame that I take care of him by myself (me, my fam, and friends) He only has my family and thats enough,but Im just saying....GROW UP and step up to the plate. And if you can give Jasper County all your durn money cause you in and out of jail EVERY WEEK why cant you give your baby some or just go buy for him. We would appreciate it!

Obviously her "angel" is her baby. SO I'm assuming this man didn't suddenly start spending a shit load of time in jail...unless he's had some weird personality flip he's always been this way and if nothing else (I'm assuming they at least had a relationship though) she CHOSE to have unprotected sex with an a-hole and have his baby.

This is her fault. I will not give a shit that she made bad choices. I will not feel sorry for her. Who needs to grow up? Who is airing their grievances on Fb? That's childish. She's just trying to start stuff since I'm sure there is some drama there. And this is the same chick who's always "preaching" in her status every Sunday. Sounds like she needs to turn to her own soul, her own problems...worry about yourself before you throw stones at others.

She is one of the main reasons I hate "organized" religion. FULL of hypocrites..preaching to you one minute and sinning the next. They always think the message is to someone else...too busy pointing the finger and not enough time looking in the mirror and pointing the finger there. I have a whole bunch of "friends" on Fb who do that. I hate hypocrites. I'd rather you say you hate God and actually live by that than say you are this or do that and I see totally different. I am not the final judge. I won't be sitting in judgment of anyone on Judgment Day and I say "Live and let live" mostly but I can't respect someone who I witness not being or doing what they say they believe. If you believe in something strongly enough to proclaim it then you should TRY (and I'm not talking half-ass trying) to show it, live it, be it.

Anyways, back to this chick. Maybe she should have spent more time with her legs closed finding out if this man was a potential father or husband like I did...or well at least I used contraception until I was married to a man I believed to be a great potential husband and father. And he's been a great both.

Kittens Come From Holes :)

I try to always be as honest with my children as possible, for example:

Kylie asked me if Santa was real. Apparently there was some talk at school. I told her that Santa could be real if she wanted him to be. She can believe in him if she wants. I think of him more like being the spirit of Christmas..of love, laughter, family, giving, friends...all those lovely things have a mascot, Santa. Of course, we've talked about WHY we have Easter and Christmas. I don't take my children to church on a regular basis (which I regret) but I give them the information that I can. BUT I was honest, that's my point here. I try to be honest with them. Another example:

She asked me where kittens come out of on a cat? She's asked me similar questions about humans but I told her one way was to cut it out and there was another way I would tell her about later. I told her that it hurts alot both ways but when your old enough to decide you want a baby then your old enough to accept that what comes from labor and pain is joyous and wonderful and you accept it. I spent more time talking about how it's BEST if there is a Mom and a Dad and  you are married. That it is POSSIBLE to have a baby and not be married but it's not the best way. And I told her that a Mommy and Daddy make the baby together with God's help. That's about the gist of what was said. BUT when she asked about the cat I told her a hole..lol. Well, it is a hole..in both cases. She accepted my answer readily. We then talked about how some animals have eggs and some have live babies. I didn't think it was inappropriate or wrong and it was enough info to satisfy her. There were no more questions.

Anyways, like I said, honesty. I don't offer up more info than is necessary or prod her to ask more questions. I think every kid is different when you get down to it and though there is a general timeline for things you have to know your kid and be ready to give them appropriate information.

I don't want to ever think I have lied to her. And I don't mean telling her the truth as I see it (or at least if I do acknowledging that it is MY truth) but good honest real info.

I don't know if it's the right time to approach religion with her. I don't want her to be confused. I want her to make her choice about what she believes and to accept others for what they believe and to not feel bad if her choices and belief's change. I don't expect her to be a cookie cutter model of me. I hope and pray that whatever decisions she makes (including religious ones) that I can accept them for good ones..different ones than me perhaps but her own. That's all I ask is that my children make up their own minds and don't let others (including myself) make it up for them. I hope they approach everything scientifically. Willing to listen to all sides equally and keep an open mind before they make decisions. Right now I present my belief's to them ..within reason..but I expect them to question them and me and come to their own conclusions eventually...when the time is right.

I'm a stubborn woman and I'd be lying to you blog if I said differently and I will balk at their decisions if I believe them bad but (other than putting their bodies in harms way) I will TRY to accept them. I will try to still my tongue and be the best Mom I can be.