Carcinoma

So I think I'm ready to say it....I might have skin cancer. The way I see it there is a good possibility.

There really aren't any jokes left when you might have skin cancer. It's really no joking matter.

Before I went to the doc I joked about how I had told Foy that the spot on my arm looked like like cancer and he said, "Uh, how'd you get that?" like cancer was something you "catch" for Christ's sake. Ok, I'll admit it...that is still a funny story but I feel like the jokes on me now.

I hate to be dramatic. I feel a little bit ridiculous that I feel this way but I know I've probably said it before...sometimes you can't explain WHY you feel that way, you just do.

So about how I feel....I feel freaked out. And I don't even know anything for sure yet and won't til the biopsy results come back. Ok, here's the story. The doc said that it looked like carcinoma, a slow growing skin cancer but the biopsy would tell them what type and how much tissue they needed to take.

Honestly, I'm so scared I can't even google it. I can't even google it!! And that's not the usual me. I like to be informed. I like to know the answer before I ask .....but it feels like if I google it...if I find the info then it makes it true. It means it WILL happen...that's kinda how I feel about talking about it and I can't believe I'm being THAT person. I've always ridiculed people who I thought that were being idiots by denying the facts and acting like not talking about them made them not so, DENIAL. I've always thought, whats the point?

I think I've read or heard somewhere when people get news like CANCER they go through the stages of grief like losing someone (I guess if I googled it then I'd know, right?). Denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance and loss.

Anyways, I have to walk around doing my duck act (it's water rolling off my back) and acting like I'm not a normal human being that's freaked the fuck out. There I said it I'm scared and I'm freaked out. And don't tell me that it might not be so and don't tell me it's gonna be alright. Don't try to justify my feelings away...believe me, if it could be done I would have succeeded myself. Truth is I tried to be "ok" and the REAL truth is...I am NOT ok and more truth, I can't seem to tell anyone I'm not ok.

I had to tell my hubby on the phone cuz he's been gone for a week or so...he's been gone since I found out anyways. I didn't wanna freak out on him cuz he has a job to do. He needs to know I can hold down the fort here right. He needs me to be capable and strong. I told my mother but she has enough on her plate and she's far away...me freaking out is just gonna make her freak out and feel like shit cuz we're so far away. And a friend knows....but I'd feel like a baby freaking out on her...first off, cuz I don't cry in front of people cuz I don't ever know what to do when people put me in that position plus she's had skin cancer, melanoma...so I'd mostly feel like a big baby freaking out to her over a little possible carcinoma.

But truth is I get tired of being the one who is "ok". The one who doesn't get to have a bad day or need people cuz I'm the other person..I'm "the strong one" ...I'm the one people lean on, not the other way but really I'm tired.

But telling you, blog, all about it really does help plus I broke my silence by telling my good friend Nikki all about it today. We've shared a lot and I've tried to help her and be understanding when she went through things and it felt good to say her like we tell each other all the time "you get me" and I don't feel like I have to excuse myself to her...I can just say "this is how it is."