Home Birth

I will always insist on blogging at the worst possible moment, haha...right now I'm sick and foggy and something less than sharp as a tack but what am I going to do...why blog of course.

I do have a lot on my mind. I'm back to the birthing at home idea. Well, I originally revisited it because Foy and I have discussed a bit of a belt tightening financially that needs to happen. I was thinking how I could do my part and eating at home more, not buying unnecessary items (for example we might not order nursery bedding. :-O I know I'm as shocked as you. I've done that with all my children but what must be done must be done.), and we discussed the cost of having and supporting another child...that's how I arrived back at the home birthing option because it IS cheaper and it was an idea I had from the beginning and gave up. Sooo I bit the bullet and emailed the lady. She replied and we've exchanged several emails. I knew her concerns would be my weight (making me less than ideal even though I'm healthy) and my fear is failing my gestational diabetes (which I have a test for on Feb. 7th and will still keep that appt with Starla). She has been very receptive and we're suppose to meet on Feb. 1st. I am going to get a copy of my records from Starla and we're gonna precede from there. Though she agrees with me keeping my gestational diabetes appt that I already have. I'm still pretty daunted by the financial aspects. I have to stop my payments to College Hill and HOPEFULLY get some money back. Confirm that my insurance is on board (which the midwife says they will be). AND the midwife requires full payment of 3000 dollars by my 36th week and she will reimburse me as the insurance pays her. This was a hard pill for Foy and I both to swallow and required some thinking on our parts. Also speaking of Foy, he was resistant to the idea. He mentioned safety and MONEY and was very unsupportive. He kinda shut down about it and said some not nice thing followed by me saying not nice things. We had a huge fight. We kinda regrouped later in the day and the next day and then today I asked him to sit down and watch "The Business of Being Born" with me and he did and at first he didn't say much and I thought he wasn't going to but several minutes afterwards he said...' "Even if we don't get any of our 3000 back it's still cheaper than a hospital birth so I guess we need to make this happen and start working on it.". It took me a second to get on board with what he was talking about because I didn't realize he was thinking about it. I felt so relieved. I can't tell you the weight that lifted off me. I haven't been sleeping well and last night was especially bad. I'm sick. I felt anxious and I thought it was anxiety about my decision but when he said that I realized my anxiety hadn't been about my decision but about his thoughts on it. I went to bed for a nap and slept like a baby for the first time in several nights.

I also think it helped that I've started reading a book my midwife recommended. It's called "Spiritual Midwifery". If you can get past the hippy bullshit it has some useful info ('far out' and 'holy' suddenly becomes an adjective? Plus their worship of this Stephen fellow on The Farm is creepy). I guess mostly what I've gathered so far is the idea of going with your pain instead of fighting it..of riding it instead of resisting which I had heard before but the book keeps making the point and it becomes more...real to me with each birth story. Also, the idea of having my husband partake in a more real sense..that talking, touching and kissing during labor can speed it up and help me to stay 'open' so I go with it instead of against it. I can't speak for Foy. I can't say that he'll be receptive but just like getting him to watch that movie with me...I'm gonna work on him. He'll be 'hippying' it out with me soon, haha. He won't even know it. ;) I'll molest him during labor and he won't be able to resist his wife.

I told my Mother my idea. She's gonna be here. Something I really didn't want but she talked to me about it and I was surprised how important it was for her to be here for her grandchild's birth. I can't ignore her wishes. I was also REALLY surprised at how open to the idea of a home birth that she was! She is possibly more excited than me. I told her I'd have to buy a pool and she called me the next day because she'd been googling water birth on youtube and saw pics and videos and found the water birth international website and pool recommendations and she wanted to make sure I got one that was eco friendly and didn't have phthalates, lead or cadmium in it. She is even more onboard than Foy and very supportive. We've spent some time talking about it. She agrees that I'm a good candidate and is reassured that my midwife is certified and that the hospital is close in case of emergencies. She gets that I trust my body and am making the best decision for myself.

Anyways, like I said...a lot on my mind. I have a ton of questions..like what constitutes an emergency? Would she attempt to deliver him breach? Will she deliver the placenta in the pool or out? What are her thoughts on Vit K and the antibiotic eye ointment? I saw a herbal Vit K that can be taken by me and passes through my breast milk and would like her thoughts on this as an alternative to the shot or giving the baby Vit K. Where would be a good place for the pool? Can my upstairs withstand 170 gallons of water, my weight, her weight and the husband? (I do not relish falling through the floor!) It is ok if my children are here? (though they will not be in attendance at the actual birth..I wouldn't mind if they were running around until I needed to start vocalizing and then they could play in their room while I delivered..is that a realistic scenario in her opinion?) When should I call her since she's 2 hours away? What if she is attending another birth? Does she have another client with a similar due date? Will going to the hospital, if I have complications or if she can't be here, be a problem? I was thinking of buying a 'drinking hose' with a filter to fill the pool up. Will we use a hose to fill it up...I'm assuming that's the only way? When can I get into the pool? What if we need to empty some out and refill it to warm it, how do we do that? Should I blow the pool up and fill it prior to labor to make sure there are no leaks or problems? These might seem stupid but then...I've never done this and part of the whole point is that I feel in control and calm and to do that, I need to KNOW STUFF. lol. I've always needed to know stuff.

Despite all these questions, I feel so...empowered by my decision and by the thought of doing it this way. Despite this book being hippish ;) I went to my nap today thinking positive thoughts because of it..thinking about keeping myself open, visualizing and slept better than I ever have so maybe that hippy bullshit isn't so bad after all . ;) I think the most moving message Foy got from the film was how important this was for a woman..to feel in control and how much a hospital was not needed without complications and how it was better for the baby. Now if I can just get him to read the book that the midwife recommends for him..."The Birth Partner". I mentioned it earlier and I think if I buy it then maybe he would listen to a chapter in bed every night if I read it aloud to him. Hey, I'm desperate. I'll do anything. I just want him to supportive and feel as informed as I do at birth.

A Day of Death, A Day of Life

I spent the first part of today watching the 9/11 Memorial shows. 10 years today and like everyone else I remember where I was. I think the most telling thing is how I felt...vulnerable. I had the vulnerability of youth. Terrorism? That couldn't touch me. Not in this promise land. That was something that happened to OTHER people. Not the good ol' U.S. of A. Vulnerability. I also felt scared. Where next? Where would they strike? Would it be even closer to 'home'? Closer to my person and those I love? I was shocked. I felt like what happens to something people experience during a tragedy. Like surreal. Like it was happening to someone else. I went through the motions of my day with my mind busy. My thoughts on what was going on, what changes were coming....what would happen now?

I like to cushion myself. I like happy things. I like to surround myself with happiness, good food, good things...I shy away from things that make me feel sadness. I mean chances are there are moments when I won't be able to avoid sadness...when my loved ones die or when things are in my face but until that time I'd rather surround myself with as little as possible. So I've always avoided the documentaries and shows associated with this day but today I immersed myself in them. I cried. I remembered. I found out some things I didn't know. It brought back those feelings of vulnerability, of being shocked and scared. I grieved with those who lost. I rejoiced with those that survived. I guess I don't like to watch those things or immerse myself in them because I don't want to become calloused. I don't want to NOT feel or to get so beige about it that it doesn't make an impact. It didn't make me feel as bad as I thought it would. I felt like a survivor. I felt like looking back with wisdom...a little more savvy, a little older, a little more experienced was a good thing.

I HATE those people (there are several on my page..I'm saddened to say that a lot of them are my family) who turn this into a hatred of a race or religion. And what's worse is they camouflage it with religion...their hatred. God is love. If your truly religious...if you truly believe in God then you should read about forgiveness and love. People shouldn't be lumped together. They should be judged individually...when your judging for yourself. God will do his judging and you have no say-so in that.

I don't know why I thought today was good but I decided to watch "The Business of Being Born". I guess I haven't announced on my blog yet but I'm pregnant with my 4th child and am seriously considering a home birth. I interviewed a midwife over the phone who I'm considering and she suggested this movie. A friend of mine had already suggested it (she had 2 midwife births, one in a birthing center and one at home) but I guess I thought it was gonna be some "doctors are demons...hippy thing", lol. Ok, so that was a little judgmental but I was wary. I guess I'm always wary of a group of people that believe there is only one way to skin a rabbit. I don't bow to any one's idea other than my own. BUT since this home birth thing was MY idea and something I feel pretty strongly about but I seem to be running into obstacles to it here and there...and I was thinking of just giving in and doing this thing like the other 3 births...I decided the time was ripe to watch it. I'm glad I did. It wasn't quite what I expected. There was one idea I DEFINITELY disagreed with and that was this 'love cocktail of hormones' notion. I agree that women should be in charge, be more informed, allowed more say-so, birth at home...I agreed with it almost 100 percent. There was one quote that I can't quote exactly but went something like, "If you believe in this woman and in her ability and in her bodies ability then you are doing her a disservice by taking this from her.". I love woman empowerment. With three girls I strive to feel empowered and to empower them with EVERY decision I make. Anyways, back to the love cocktail. They implied (or pretty much said) that if you have an epidural, c-section, pitocin drip...then you've interfered with this mix of hormones between baby and mother and your bonding will not be the same. That you won't care for your baby, feel that bond like a woman who goes through natural labor. Well, I'm gonna go ahead and call bullshit. I am enraged that someone would even imply I loved or bonded with my baby any less than any other woman. How dare they! But I also embrace the idea that I've never had a home/natural birth (I've had partial ones..where I didn't have pitocin or where the epidural didnt' work) and I will make a better judgment after though I'm sure I will still insistently call bullshit on that point. The film was informative and mind opening otherwise and renewed my determination in making this home birth happen for me.

I guess 'fearmongering' has become an echo in my head. If you can fear monger people into making one decision or another then you've made it for the wrong reason. I don't want to be fearmongered into birthing in a hospital but on the opposite hand I don't want to be fearmongered into having a home birth. I want to do it for MY reasons. I want to be informed....not fearmongered.

When my Grandmother was told about my pregnancy she asked my Mother, "What does she want all these kids for?". It's been echoing in my head since my Mom told me. For? Should I be using them FOR something? I can't tell you why I wanted another exactly but I CAN tell you that I'm not having them FOR something. I'm trying to raise them to be productive, intelligent, independent, loving, rewarding adults. Maybe having children is your way of trying to achieve immortality or make sure you live on in the ideals of someone else or maybe it's so you have someone to care for you in your old age...maybe it's egotistical or self-love or your way of making sense of a senseless world...who knows why? I can't answer these large questions but what I can say is I take damn good care of the children I have. They are loved and they are loving. They make me happy and I love spending time with them. I have the way and means to care for them and a home full of love to bring them to so what I guess I'm saying is "Why wouldn't I want more kids?".