I confess...

I have an addiction.....(haha, I just realized I had put addition. Well, I have one of those too)

to Cracker Jacks.

I get so sad when I get to the end of the bag that I have to dig all the crumbs out cuz they are full of carmel deliciousness and then I wind up with crumbs all down in my boobs and stuck to my shirt and all over my face and my hands get all sticky and then I lick them. It's an addiction.

I also confess to really liking youtube videos of pregnant chicks dancing, haha...but mostly only black ones cuz as a race, us white women fail at dropping it like it's hot when we're NOT pregnant and there is nothing sadder than a white PREGNANT chick trying to shake it. I watched like a minute of one and it was so SAD. Her husband was all, "That looks hot" and "You look good" and I'm like love IS blind or he's a good liar.

Violet Adell Burch's Guide to Life

I'm probably about half way through with Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth. To start with it's not like I ridicule her or what she's doing or her approach or natural birth...those are all sound in my mind. I love the birth stories and find them very helpful. I would not have spent the money on the book if I thought it wasn't worth reading in my quest for finding out what I can about natural birth. She resounds to me as someone who I would listen to BUT....BUT I do have a problem with her whole idea that The Farm is bringing back the natural birth. There is a line in the beginning that I highlighted mostly because it rubbed me wrong (there were lots I highlighted because they rubbed me right). "The women at The Farm have relearned and been highly successful at kinds of female behavior that modern women in civilized cultures aren't known to be good at -- those that go beyond the common medical understanding of women's bodies and birth." I have serious problems with this quote. Maybe I'm from an UNcivilized society but my Grandmother (who I am very VERY close to and lived with til I was 16) birthed 8 of her 10 children at home. Her Mother, fondly known as "Little Granny" (whom I remember and have many fond memories of...she didn't die until I was preteen or early teen) had all 10 of her children at home by midwife.  My Grandmother cloth diapered and breastfed but you'll never hear her mention it. Not that she's ashamed, GOODNESS NO but because she can't imagine having done it any other way. You won't hear her going around saying, "I was a CDing, EBFing, co-sleeping, non-vaxing, home birthing, attachment parenting crunchy Mother". The idea of any of those labels passing her lips makes me snigger BUT SHE WAS. I have NEVER ever ever referred to my Grandmother has a hippy BTW. She would probably slap me if I tried. I grew up understanding that hippy meant drugs, VW bugs, hitchhiking, swinging people, and loose morals. My Grandmother is NONE of these things. She has intuition. She believes in natural remedies. I remember her going to the doc maybe once or twice my whole life. I ain't even joking. Once was because she got an inner ear infection and her balance was off. She grows her own garden (now with the help of her son because she IS 90 now). She never once said 'organic' in her life, haha. She never once explained her thought process to me or labeled herself she just IS. She believes in God. She believes that the Earth was a gift and that we are here to enjoy it's bounty. We may eat its fruits, veggies, and animals. She doesn't to this day have trash pickup so if she puts something in the trash it is with great thought. Recycle isn't a word I've ever heard her use but when your house is gonna fill up with trash or you find a way to repurpose then you do. Not to mention you spend several years as a single mother of 7 children (and then a single income family of 10 children later) then you learn to repurpose just to save money. My cousin comes and picks up her trash every week OR TWO. And there are too many wild animals to leave it outside so she has limited space to store trash until someone comes and gets it. She throws all food waste outside. She probably has never even heard the word 'compost' but she does.

Are you getting a picture here? She's everything I wanna be but she never once labeled herself or wrote a book. Hell, you know she quit school in the 6th grade because she had to. She reads very well and her hand writing is atrocious because she was suppose to be left handed and they made her write with her right but she writes legible. She manages money and has all her wits at the age of 90. She listens and forms opinions with thought. And she thinks before she speaks. She has lived in this small 2 bedroom house...where she lived with all of her children for 50 years or so now. ALL of her children. She co-slept in a big way. Actually she shared a bedroom (though not a bed) with her MIL ( I can't even imagine how hard that was) until her MIL died. Gives a whole new meaning to family bed, doesn't it? I co-slept with my Grandmother until I was preteen and my parents decided they couldn't co-sleep with my sister anymore and she came to bed with my Grandmother and I was delegated to the couch in the living room until I was 16 and we moved. I had never even thought or heard the word co-sleep til recently. I just DID. We were poor. She was poor. She doesn't know how to live any other way even though she's technically no longer poor. She doesn't want or need anything she doesn't have. You can't live with this kind of example and give Ina May Gaskin props for bringing back midwifery and a holistic approach. Are you kidding me? I grew up in a holistic approach. I grew up in a small community called Rosevine. Almost everyone that lives there is my relative. Actually my cousin (who picks up the trash) calls it "Relative Row" :) because every house in that area is owned and lived in by a relative. I grew up on "The Farm"..well, not technically the farm but you get it, right? I grew up with shining examples of strong women. Not women who claimed to be strong or thought child birth made them strong but women who took childbirth and made it one small piece of their strength. Women who were shining examples. Little Granny had 10 children and 8 of those were girls. I have strong aunts. The men in my family have always been less than stellar. Oh there have been a few exceptions but for the most part....a bunch of no-goods. The women have been the backbones for generations. I grew up in that...around that. I can't bow to Ina May Gaskin. I can bow to my Mother (she is strong even if she stands for so many things that I think are wrong..I could never deny her strength), my Grandmother, my Great-Grandmother, my Aunts...these women I can bow to. These women I can worship at the altar of their knowledge...not Ina May Gaskin's.

Now to redeem Ina May Gaskin, these are some of my fav quotes so far in her book:
"I guess the most important thing I figured out was that your attitude and how you approach your birth is of the utmost importance. In other words, it is important to face each birth like a bull, with full force, no fear or hesitation, with the attitude that you can do this and you aren't going to hold back. This is your opportunity to remember your power as a woman, inhibitions not allowed. Those contractions are power surges, each one gets that baby closer to birth. Your baby feels your strength...." words by Barbara Wolcott.
"I also learned that my "adequate" pelvis is more than adequate for an "average size" baby. It's just that MY average size babies weigh more than ten pounds. I found out that I am perfectly designed to give birth to them." words by Diana Janopaul
"As horrible as it sounds, vomiting has its purpose. A good dry heave pulls the cervix open and pushes the baby down, but not enough to get the baby out." words by Jeanne Madrid, LM

The first quote is how I feel about my birth to come. I feel like a bull. I feel inhibitions would only do that...inhibit me. I will embrace my contractions as a step that gets me closer to my baby..a welcome step. I will let go of fear and embrace the experience. I plan to perhaps use these quotes in labor as some positive affirmations that I'd like to have written on poster board so I can read them to myself while laboring. I have several others I have come up with also. From books and as well as from my own thoughts and feelings prior to this. The second and third quote speak to my specific worries about birth..or specific experiences. I worry about large babies and being able to birth them. I am reassured knowing that MY body was made for MY babies. I find that affirming. And I vomit during labor and I can embrace that more if I can realize that is a natural birth step that will only help me get there faster and to my goal...birthing my gorgeous baby.

I'd like to add about this post and any previous post, feel free to disagree. Feel free to ridicule or say what you like....I have stood through winds that blow harder and hurt me worse than you or anything you could bring. I promise I haven't made a single decision about my life that someone somewhere hasn't liked. I haven't ever pleased everyone and I can't see me starting now. And your displeasure means even less to me than most because I don't care for you or respect your opinions like I do some.

There's a reason my blog isn't private. There is a reason I have never reconciled myself to making it so despite many bumps due to what I have said here. This is me. Love me or hate me. Like it or lump it. I am as steady, real, strong, and consistent as they come. I don't change my mind or my opinions unless I WANT to. I didn't give into peer pressure when I was 16 and I see no reason to start doing it now. Nor have I ever been afflicted with any bug that made me want to have everyone like me...or need to have everyone like me. I like me. And that's really what I care about most at the end of the day. :) Secondly would come my children and my husband and then maybe other family...

My Valentine

Today I was spending some time thinking about my honey. What an appropriate day to spend time doing that, eh. I started thinking about two times in our relationship before our marriage when we had a bit of a communication issue that now is funny but that the time..if we hadn't clarified could have ended it.

I use to drive to Louisiana to the base there and rent a hotel room for us so we could spend the night together. I could only afford the biggest dump in town, haha..but it was a little piece of heaven while we were there. I mean DUMP, haha...it was called the Sand Motel I believe. We're talking shag carpet and all. I wish I'd taken a pic. There was a c-store in the same parking lot and we would stock up on junk food and sequester ourselves in there until I had to leave for work or he did. We'd eat junk food, make love, smoke, talk and most all of it naked as jay birds. Anyways, one night I said to him, "I want to bath you." in the course of our conversation or just out of the blue..I can't remember how I said it but I do remember saying it. I know it's cheesy but I was in love with his body and the idea of putting my soapy hands on every part (ok, ok..maybe not EVERY part) just sent shivers through me. He looked displeased and said, "You want to have a baby?!?!?" haha...I was like are you crazy, of course not. I was even more terrified of the idea than him. A baby was nowhere in my near future...not even a plan yet. Anyways, if he hadn't spoken up and went on believing that's what I said he probably would have ran the other way and we would have been DONE. It's a funny moment I still think of to this day.....and we now have FOUR babies. :D

I also think of our other big miscommunication moment and this one was something he said. I knew he was divorced but he wasn't much for talking about it but I felt that in order for us to grow closer or our relationship to evolve he was gonna have to do some divulging. I asked tentative questions but never pressured him and finally one night in bed after making love while it was dark and he was comfortable he started telling me some details. I know it was hard for him and I appreciated him opening up to me. It was a hurtful time for him and she hurt him deeply and it was a much fresher wound then. He told me in the course of explaining that she was pregnant when their divorce was finalized. I about jumped out of there and took off running that second! ha! I was already planning my get away. My face would have been priceless if you could have seen it. But I casually said, "Oh, so you have a baby?" and he was like, HELL NO, she was pregnant with another man's kid! Anyways, later it was funny.

We've had moments in our marriage. We made it through the 7 year itch. I itched more but I didn't scratch. We made it through him being so dumb it was unbelievable. We both made some bad decisions, weathered some bad news, made some babies, bought some houses, fought, made up, had high times, good times, ok times and times where we were more like two strangers than two lovers but we're here. It hasn't been a war or a battle (I don't mean to sound that way) but it has been a journey. One that if you asked me today I'd take with him again and again and again. I can't wait for the rest of our lives together. I look forward to it even more now than I did on our wedding day because now we have kids to make it so interesting. There are times when I may have wanted to drown him instead of bath him ;) but I didn't and I'm still attracted to him and even when he drives me nuts I wouldn't trade him for anybody else. He still does it for me. I feel like we can weather what life throws our way as long as we're together and we can laugh. Laughter is so underrated in a marriage but I'd say it is SO essential.

This song is our song lately. I'd marry him "today and every day" and "forever can never be long enough for me to feel like I've had long enough with" him. :D


Marry Me by Train


Forever can never be long enough for me
To feel like I've had long enough with you
Forget the world now we won't let them see
But there's one thing left to do

Now that the weight has lifted
Love has surely shifted my way
Marry Me
Today and every day
Marry Me
If I ever get the nerve to say "Hello" in this cafe
Say you will
Mm-hmm
Say you will
Mm-hmm

Together can never be close enough for me
Feel like I am close enough to you
You wear white and I'll wear out the words I love you
And you're beautiful
Now that the wait is over
And love and has finally shown her my way
Marry me
Today and every day
Marry me
If I ever get the nerve to say "Hello" in this cafe
Say you will
Mm-hmm
Say you will
Mm-hmm

Promise me
You'll always be
Happy by my side
I promise to
Sing to you
When all the music dies

And marry me
Today and everyday
Marry me
If I ever get the nerve to say "Hello" in this cafe
Say you will
Mm-hmm
Say you will
Marry me
Mm-hmm

I'd like to add (because I was reading on FB and so many people are hating on Valentines) that this holiday much like any other can be as big of a deal or as little one as you want but I THINK the point is to spend a little more time thinking and appreciating and telling someone you love them. After 10 years of marriage, (hell I knew this after 2) love isn't a bouquet of flowers or a fancy show or a diamond ring...love is holding my hand while I push out a new life, it's working your tail off every day to provide for your family, it's doing without so our little angels can have each and every want and need met, it's nights of vomit and puke, it's forgiveness, it's bringing me a glass of water when your already in bed because I'm sick or too pregnant to waddle to the kitchen, it's telling work you need some time off for you girls recital, it's just BEING THERE every day when it's not sunshine and roses...that's love. That's what Valentines is about to me. I spend the day thinking of my loved ones...and why I love them and what love means. 

I went shopping this weekend. I got a stroller, car seat, bassinet and other smaller stuff. I met the nicest cloth diapering people and bought some diapers that I'm IN LOVE with. Of all the things we bought including the big things the diapers are still my fav. I know the hubs and most people don't understand. I mean they hold poop and pee right but still....

I got a Thirsties Duo, Fuzzibunz, Rumparooz, Blueberry and BumGenius (Albert!). I've seriously never been so excited about diapers. I played with them on the way back from SL. I adjusted the elastic in the Fuzzibunz and gushed to Foy about the feature. I pointed out the interior leg gussets on the Rumparooz. I think the BlueBerry was my fav...mostly because of the dinosaur print and I like that it's an AI2. I wondered at how long it would take the BG to dry. I read up on how to wash and care for each one and how to best use the inserts for the different sizes. Honestly, who knew there was so much to know. I really am excited. I would have loved to buy a Flip or two but they didn't have any. :( I'm thinking of ordering a couple right now from Mom's Milk Boutique...which reminds me I got my stuff from them too. SUPER excited about that as well. The Ergo I had ordered with the freebies.

We did buy a few clothes in SL too but I'm worried about them fitting over the diapers. I know that can be an issue. Oh, I also got some BumGenius detergent on clearance to wash them in. I still need wet bags, a hanging wet bag, and a pail with liner. I'm also using cloth wipes because it makes sense to wash all of it at the same time...diapers and wipes and boom I'm done. I've never been on fire to the environmental aspect of cloth diapering but it's really catching hold. I mean I thought it was good and all but wasn't my main focus but I guess I'm loving the thought of making everything reusable even more than I use to. Eventually I might make my own detergent. I got a couple of recipes from a couple of women that I might try when I run out of BG or if it doesn't work. I know detergent can be a trial and error process. I seriously have a fluffy brain today. It's good that I'm excited about something though...they are the only thing brightening my day.

 I was up at 4 am and unable to sleep until 7 when I fell back asleep for 30 minutes and then woke the kids up yelling that we had to hurry. Not my brightest or best moment and didn't start my day off great...plus I feel sleep deprived. I feel like the 30 minutes is all I got all night. Damn Sophie and her lack of nap taking, yawn. I'll tough it out. I do have to go get a few things at the grocery store later. Valentines for the kids, cookies I promised to bring to the party and S is out of pull-ups. Potty training is still going well EVEN with our trip to SL. We took her potty with us and she had one accident the whole time and it was on the tile floor at the hotel so even that was not bad. She wore panties the whole weekend except at night. Looks like we're doing separate night potty training again cuz that seems to work best. I expect a set back when Ezra comes but we'll deal with that when it comes. Plans for him are coming right along.

Lexie had a blast on her birthday weekend...even though we had to spend some time shopping for her baby brother. We stayed at the indoor water park hotel and then we went to Jungle Jim's for a couple hours and then we stayed an extra night and went to Toys R US where she milked me for more than I intended to spend. It was a good weekend and I was less tired than I expected. Though today has made up for it because I feel like doodoo.

I tell ya this pregnancy induced snoring is not thrilling the hubs either, haha. He slept on the couch again last night, poor man. I'm sure that's why I feel more tired than usual also. Sleep where you snore is suppose to be not as good I believe.

These are some of our big purchases (it's easy to post pics because I already loaded them on the computer from my iPhone so I could post in the online group):

The bassinet which wasn't my fav but whatever. I was tired by then. It does rock and vibrate and play sounds and all that good stuff. I'm not loving the brown but it's passable. I like the little insert that has a smaller baby in a sorta reclining position. I know babies usually like that so I think it will be nice. I can see him in it now. :D

I love the orange in this Chicco KeyFit30. We originally went intending to get a Britax though I knew I either wanted a Britax, Chicco, Snugride 30 or Safety 1st because they had the highest safety ratings. I thought the Britax was too hard and not cushioned enough when I saw it in person. I wanted the Safety 1st but it wouldn't fit on the stroller we wanted very well plus it was black and I wanted some color and the hubs preferred the orange Chicco over the Snugride so that's how we arrived at that one.  I do like the material it's made from and the colors. It's easy too and fairly lightweight. I feel good about this purchase so far. 

And we ended up with the Britax B-Agile which I did not see coming. I really went thinking that I would order the B-ready online but we started thinking that we really don't need the ability for it to be a double stroller. S is walking fine and we don't have any big trips planned where we would need her to sit. Foy also pointed out that we could take the umbrella and both push one if we did go somewhere that was a lot of walking. Also because I plan to wear baby lots because of my fabulous Ergo and Moby then the stroller CAN be used for her more if need be. We liked how easy it was to lock the wheels on the B-Agile. Foy is thrilled with how compact it folds and the fold up is super easy. It turns well and is lightweight. The canopy comes over plenty far. It even has a pocket. We are also going to order the tray for it eventually and a cup holder for me. It goes up to 55 lbs I believe. Anyways, it had all our requirements plus we wanted a 3 wheel style this time. We were kinda over the traditional stroller style. We almost bought the City Limit Jogger but the basket was smaller than the Agile and it was harder to lock the wheels...for a few reasons we eliminated it. We seriously spent THREE HOURS looking at strollers before we picked this one. Anyways, it has an adaptor for the car seat and the Safety 1st would barely fit. The adaptor is made for the Chicco or Snugride 30...so it all worked out. I'm happy with it as well.

Husbands and Potty Training

Foy is away for work in Houston til tomorrow. He left Tuesday. He called last night and after awhile said something about some guys going out that wanted him to go but he figured he shouldn't or couldn't (I forget how he worded it) but it was very obviously a question to me. It annoys me when he asks permission for stuff like this. I mean, I don't want him to be an ass but going out for some drinks with some guys after a work thing is perfectly fine. I've done it with friends after 'work', haha. My kinda work anyways. And I'm also not prone to asking...I'm more prone to telling. I mean unless I'm asking what time he'll get off or if he could possibly be off by a certain time or thinks it's probable so I can make plans then I'm usually just telling him what my plans are so he can be prepared. Anyways, I told him I didn't care what he did as long as he kept it in his pants. BUT. Oh you knew there was a but. I didn't tell him a but it's like that country song. I don't know what it's title is or who sings it but it says.."because she didn't ask me to". Well, I didn't ask him to but if he had called me when he got home that woulda been great. But no. And then it would have been great if he'd called me this morning or on his lunch break but NO, not that either. And then I thought well yesterday he called me at 430 so I should at least expect that call today BUT NO. Along comes 5 and still no word. So I called him. I was nice but I was annoyed. I thought it woulda been nice of him to reassure me even though I don't need reassurance. (I don't, right?). It's not that I have any problems with him going out but whytf can't he call anyways. I mean I'm only 7 months prego and stuck at home by myself with our other 3 children...but hey, it's ok. I'm fine. I'm always fucking fine. Ok, maybe I'm a little more than annoyed BUT (ha!) I'll write you about it blog and get it all off my chest..well, the angry part anyways maybe and then I'll be such a nice calm understanding wife to him. I'd hate to be thought of as a nagging one but dammit, he shoulda called me. Anyways, so I called him 3 hours ago and he didn't talk long (even though I was annoyed) because he didn't wanna miss the bus to dinner..well, that was fucking 3 hours ago. He said he would call me and now I'm just waiting. Should I call him? I kinda want to. I kinda want to be a bitch. I kinda think he deserves it. I'm just gonna get more mad the longer I wait.
I swear I try to be nice and he takes advantage and it makes me wanna be a bitch, ya know?
At least when I talked to him earlier it was long enough to tell him the good news about Sophie's potty training today. Only one accident and that was right when her sisters got home and distracted her but otherwise she pooped and peed ALL DAY in the potty. It was fucking fantastic. We tried this one day a couple or three weeks ago and she didn't go in the potty once but today it just clicked. Well I knew if I could get her to go once and yep, that's what happened. We sat in the bathroom for 30-45 minutes reading and talking and FINALLY miracle of miracles PEE happened and then it was like a switch. Boom. She even pooped with no issue. I did put her in a pull-up tonight but here's to hoping that she still makes it to the potty tonight. I don't have the mattress waterproofed enough that I was willing to risk it.

OMG. I've turned into one of THOSE people, dammit. I have no idea how this happened. It happened gradually but somehow I'm a little crunchier than I started out as! I just realized this today while I was citing reasons why a vaginal delivery was better than a c-sec to this dumb bitch on Cafe Mom. :) She really is dumb and people who were commenting were dumber. (Dumber is a word right now.) "My family always has c-sec and I am having one too. I'd rather have one of those any day than a vaginal delivery.". Shut up you dumb bitch. And that's just the tip. You wanna debate intact vs circ or talk about the virgin gut of babies or talk about Vit K supplements and the need or lack of need for them. Oh man, I don't even like myself right now.....You wanna talk about breastfeeding vs formula. I'VE NEVER EVEN BREASTFED and I still find myself on the breastfeeding side of the debate even though I will freely admit to never having done it. You wanna talk about home birth vs. hospital births...I'VE NEVER EVEN HOME BIRTHED. I'm just...I'm losing my damn mind. I need to shut up. I spent time discussing CDing purchases with some ladies today while admitting I had never CD but was interested and how I'd been researching it and made some purchases.

I WILL NOT EAT A PLACENTA THOUGH! You cannot make me. I will not change my mind. You could site me articles and info til you turned blue in the face and I'd sooner drink a cup on my own piss than eat my placenta in any form just so that's clear.

Talking of home birthing ;) I met with the midwife and her assistant and I'm REALLY PUMPED about this home birth. We discussed eye antibiotic ointment and Vit K and who will be a my birth and methods with dealing with pain and birthing pools (the only subject I didn't agree with her own...I looked up her suggestion and I do not like it..so I'm gonna talk to her about how I'm gonna get a different one). I gave her my records I had gotten from Starla and those mugs was DETAILED. I'd forgotten half that shit but I felt good that she would have them. I passed my 3 hour glucose and I'm super proud that I've only gained 8 lbs so far, whoop whoop. I see her again in 2 weeks. They are also planning a home birthing class in mid-March that will be approx. 5 hours long and deal with pain management and other things. I already told Foy so he could ask off and the kids are welcome she says. The mw said there is another woman who is due around the same time as me. It would be nice to talk to someone. I've been so secluded lately...I'm starting to hate that too. I especially wanna talk to other women who are planning home births or had them before because if I talk to someone that's never wanted to do it or did it I start getting crazy looks and stuff like, "Your brave!" when I feel as if what they were really saying is "Your stupid!". They don't understand WHY I would want to do it. Also most women who are planning a hospital birth are debating pain meds (which I won't be using) and what to pack for the hospital (which I won't be doing) and hospital food (which I won't be eating) and other such things which don't really pertain to me anymore..not for this delivery anyways. I wanna talk about things that I care about and are important to me.

It's moving along. I will admit to having moments of doubt..you know those 2 o' clock in the morning and I can't sleep things where I'm like...wtf, why am I doing this? Why not stick with what I know? etc, etc, etc, and more along those lines.

I'm so excited. We're going on the 11th to buy baby stuff. Super excited and we get our tax refund tomorrow so I'm hoping that I can start making some CDing purchases.