Lifestyles of the Not-So-Rich and Definitely Not Famous (but determined)

It's a 1000 bucks for a roundtrip ticket to London, England for a week. I'm so going. I just gotta get this baby birthed and grown up a little and I'm leaving the whole passel of youngins with their grandparents and takin' me an In-ter-national Vaca. Oh yeah, it's happening. Don't doubt me. I like to dream...but not in the way that you dream of things that aren't possible...this is totally possible. I spent more than 2000 bucks (of course my honey is going with me) on school clothes shopping in one weekend. It might not happen for a year or two but then it's happening. Or maybe Milan, Italy...that's 1300 bucks roundtrip. Who knows where I might go? The world is my playground.

A Day of Death, A Day of Life

I spent the first part of today watching the 9/11 Memorial shows. 10 years today and like everyone else I remember where I was. I think the most telling thing is how I felt...vulnerable. I had the vulnerability of youth. Terrorism? That couldn't touch me. Not in this promise land. That was something that happened to OTHER people. Not the good ol' U.S. of A. Vulnerability. I also felt scared. Where next? Where would they strike? Would it be even closer to 'home'? Closer to my person and those I love? I was shocked. I felt like what happens to something people experience during a tragedy. Like surreal. Like it was happening to someone else. I went through the motions of my day with my mind busy. My thoughts on what was going on, what changes were coming....what would happen now?

I like to cushion myself. I like happy things. I like to surround myself with happiness, good food, good things...I shy away from things that make me feel sadness. I mean chances are there are moments when I won't be able to avoid sadness...when my loved ones die or when things are in my face but until that time I'd rather surround myself with as little as possible. So I've always avoided the documentaries and shows associated with this day but today I immersed myself in them. I cried. I remembered. I found out some things I didn't know. It brought back those feelings of vulnerability, of being shocked and scared. I grieved with those who lost. I rejoiced with those that survived. I guess I don't like to watch those things or immerse myself in them because I don't want to become calloused. I don't want to NOT feel or to get so beige about it that it doesn't make an impact. It didn't make me feel as bad as I thought it would. I felt like a survivor. I felt like looking back with wisdom...a little more savvy, a little older, a little more experienced was a good thing.

I HATE those people (there are several on my page..I'm saddened to say that a lot of them are my family) who turn this into a hatred of a race or religion. And what's worse is they camouflage it with religion...their hatred. God is love. If your truly religious...if you truly believe in God then you should read about forgiveness and love. People shouldn't be lumped together. They should be judged individually...when your judging for yourself. God will do his judging and you have no say-so in that.

I don't know why I thought today was good but I decided to watch "The Business of Being Born". I guess I haven't announced on my blog yet but I'm pregnant with my 4th child and am seriously considering a home birth. I interviewed a midwife over the phone who I'm considering and she suggested this movie. A friend of mine had already suggested it (she had 2 midwife births, one in a birthing center and one at home) but I guess I thought it was gonna be some "doctors are demons...hippy thing", lol. Ok, so that was a little judgmental but I was wary. I guess I'm always wary of a group of people that believe there is only one way to skin a rabbit. I don't bow to any one's idea other than my own. BUT since this home birth thing was MY idea and something I feel pretty strongly about but I seem to be running into obstacles to it here and there...and I was thinking of just giving in and doing this thing like the other 3 births...I decided the time was ripe to watch it. I'm glad I did. It wasn't quite what I expected. There was one idea I DEFINITELY disagreed with and that was this 'love cocktail of hormones' notion. I agree that women should be in charge, be more informed, allowed more say-so, birth at home...I agreed with it almost 100 percent. There was one quote that I can't quote exactly but went something like, "If you believe in this woman and in her ability and in her bodies ability then you are doing her a disservice by taking this from her.". I love woman empowerment. With three girls I strive to feel empowered and to empower them with EVERY decision I make. Anyways, back to the love cocktail. They implied (or pretty much said) that if you have an epidural, c-section, pitocin drip...then you've interfered with this mix of hormones between baby and mother and your bonding will not be the same. That you won't care for your baby, feel that bond like a woman who goes through natural labor. Well, I'm gonna go ahead and call bullshit. I am enraged that someone would even imply I loved or bonded with my baby any less than any other woman. How dare they! But I also embrace the idea that I've never had a home/natural birth (I've had partial ones..where I didn't have pitocin or where the epidural didnt' work) and I will make a better judgment after though I'm sure I will still insistently call bullshit on that point. The film was informative and mind opening otherwise and renewed my determination in making this home birth happen for me.

I guess 'fearmongering' has become an echo in my head. If you can fear monger people into making one decision or another then you've made it for the wrong reason. I don't want to be fearmongered into birthing in a hospital but on the opposite hand I don't want to be fearmongered into having a home birth. I want to do it for MY reasons. I want to be informed....not fearmongered.

When my Grandmother was told about my pregnancy she asked my Mother, "What does she want all these kids for?". It's been echoing in my head since my Mom told me. For? Should I be using them FOR something? I can't tell you why I wanted another exactly but I CAN tell you that I'm not having them FOR something. I'm trying to raise them to be productive, intelligent, independent, loving, rewarding adults. Maybe having children is your way of trying to achieve immortality or make sure you live on in the ideals of someone else or maybe it's so you have someone to care for you in your old age...maybe it's egotistical or self-love or your way of making sense of a senseless world...who knows why? I can't answer these large questions but what I can say is I take damn good care of the children I have. They are loved and they are loving. They make me happy and I love spending time with them. I have the way and means to care for them and a home full of love to bring them to so what I guess I'm saying is "Why wouldn't I want more kids?".