Lucky Me!

I don't often post about my day to day life but if Christmas isn't the time for that, then I don't know when is.

Well, the baby is doing good. It's a girl. My ultrasound at the doc yesterday showed she's healthy. The placenta's in a good place and so is the umbilical cord. She's on target with her development and my due date is about right on. It's May 5th by the way. I am doing ok also. A few more aches, pains and complaints with this pregnancy than the last two but they says that's normal. I'm getting old. Speaking of getting old my birthday is in a couple of weeks, Jan. 7. I'll be 29....and holding in case you want to know so this will be the last birthday I'll be celebrating...j/j. I'm actually more ok with this one than the last and that's weird but I think I've gotten use to the fact that the big 3-0 is coming my way..and that's ok.

Christmas is in a few days and it's my FAVORITE time of the year. So much holiday cheer and love in the air. I got the kids Christmas out of the way early and all the kinfolks a couple of weekends ago so no holiday bustling for last minute shopping for me. I might pick up a couple of odds and ends this weekend after we get paid on Friday but that's about it. I'm done. I think we might celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve because my husband is off. The kids are young enough they won't realize Santa visited them a night earlier than everyone else. I'm afraid Foy might have to go to work on Christmas and it's very important that he be there. After all, his hard work is what bought these presents for the kids and he wants to share in the joy of giving also.

At holiday times is when I reflect on how incredibly fortunate I am. I have two healthy children and one on the way. I have a hardworking loving trustworthy husband to share my life with. I have a home, a car, and plenty of food on my table. My mother is alive and full of life and joy. I have two brothers and a sister all healthy and happy. I have a new brother-in-law this year and the best part, a new nephew. My Grandmother is well and at 87 that is something to be thankful for. My family is doing well despite the economy and who cares about money anyways, we're all healthy and that's something money can't always buy. I have them and they have me and we're just damned lucky. I have everything I could ever want for the holidays and you can't give a gift that's better than what I already have.

Tag!

~Tag~
5 things I was doing 10 years ago.....
1. Staying at my Grandmas for Christmas Vaca from college cuz my Mom wasn't speaking to me.
2. Working at Temple Inland for Christmas Vaca ..in the office
3. Dating Roger. My old boyfriend.
4. Going to SFASU...well, on Vaca from SFA.
5. Trying to keep my head above water and my feet on the ground.

5 things on my To-Do list today....
1. get Christmas tree and finish decorating for Christmas
2. Take Kylie to preschool at 1 and pick her up at 330
3. Go to the grocery store
4. Go to mall and buy tobaggon and gloves for kids...it's snowing!
5. Keep my head above water and my feet on the ground....always!

5 snacks I enjoy....
1. Keebler Mint Cookies
2. Cool Ranch Doritos
3. Oreo pudding
4. Chips and ranch dip
5. ANYTHING CHOCOLATE!

5 things I'd do if I were a Millionaire....
1. Build a house in Texas.
2. Buy my hubby that dream vehicle he always wanted..it changes so who knows!
3. Pay off my bills, including my car.
4. Put away for the kids college education
5. Invest WISELY what is left, with some in savings.


5 places I've lived....
1. Rosevine, Texas until I was 16. Isn't that a lovely name?
2. Bronson, Texas until I was 18.
3. Nacogdoches, Texas to go to college (until I flunked out) for 1 year
4. Lufkin, Texas to work at Red Lobster and go to community college. (around 3 years)
5. Huntington, Texas where we owned our first house after marriage. (around 3 years)
6. Rock Springs, Wyoming where Foy worked and I got to quit my job. (a year and half)
7. Bossier City, Louisiana for almost a year because I wanted to move back south.
8. Rock Springs, Wyoming where we are now cuz my hubby likes it and the money is good. ( a little over a year.)

5 jobs I've had....
1. Dorothy's Diner, cook, 18
2. Temple Inland, receptionist/data clerk, when I was taking time off from college,18-19
3. Casa Ole, server,19
4. Red Lobster, server/trainer/manager, before I quit. 19-25
5. Mommy and pregnant-the best job YET! 24-NOW!


5 people I tag....
1. Nancy
2. Amber
3. Aimee
4. Kim
5. Erica

Rules:
Each player answers the question themselves. At the end of the post the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blog and leaves them a comment letting them know that they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog. Let the person that tagged you know when you’ve answered the questions on your blog.

Blissed Out!

For those of you that don't know, Myspace has a place where you can update your current status and mood. I find my cursor pausing on "calm" more than anything. I think this says something significant about me. I'm usually calm. I tend not to worry or get overly excited. I'm very chilled out with my kids, friends, my hubs, and family. I tend not to let things freak me out or make me crazy. I just cruise along. You'd probably think I was on some kind of mood altering drug sometimes if you knew me well or you might just think that I happen to be one of the most blissed out people you know and the latter would be correct. Simple things make me happy. A good healthy dinner that I made for my whole family that tasted very good, a hot shower, a good nights sleep, a hug from my kids, a backrub from my hubby, a comment on my myspace, a day trip for lunch to SLC...it's the simple things in life that make me happy. I don't need the big things because I find bliss in the small ones and THAT is where it's AT!

Don't believe everything you see/read! They LIE!

You know what I'm tired of...people letting their fav tv stars, the media, the internet or anyone/anything else tell them what to buy, how to look or who to vote for. I mean look how many psycho tv stars and rock stars are out there. I mean it's ok to let these people entertain you but to let them sway your vote..well, you'd be an idiot to let them sway your vote. Get your own opinions people and remember everyone has an agenda so make sure your getting ALL of the correct information before you make a decision. The media is suppose to be so unbiased and I felt like all I was getting through the whole election campaign was some tv anchor or tv stations water-downed ideas of who I was suppose to vote for.

And while we're on the subject (well, I am), I hate when I click on myspace home page and there is some ad that's suppose to tell Heidi Klum's BIG secret to staying thin. I mean, wtf. I know the big secret. She's genetically predisposed to goddess like proportions and she has a whole team of stylist, hairdressers and fitness experts to make sure she keeps in shape. Not to mention how she probably starves herself and never quits dieting because after all her entire lifestyle depends on how good she looks. I mean if we all had this kind of support system we'd all be thin too. Or maybe all we need is to have just the right magazine editor to do all the right air brushing. I mean, PULEASE! Spare me these articles and put something that I'm genuinely interested in or that's TRUE at least.

What looks like CRAZY on an ordinary day....

Well, I just finished reading another book. I think it's called "The story of Edgar Sawtelle." It's the latest on Oprah's Book Club list. I will not be adding it to my "must read" list even though it was a very good book...up until the end. I hate sad, bad endings. I guess no matter how much I like to think of myself as a realistic person that knows that sometimes life doesn't always have a happy ending I really need happy endings in my books. Maybe BECAUSE life is so unpredictable and senseless I need that upbeat ending so I have hope. Hope is important. Without hope, pessimism would overtake me and I'm afraid I would be even harder to live with.

I also read another book which I will not be adding to my "must reads" even though I liked it a lot better. There were a couple of lines in it that rang true to me and made me pause. When a line in a book can make me pause I like to make note of it.

"Joyce is that kind of a gal. Inertia is death. Forward motion is everything." What Looks Like Crazy on an ordinary day...By Pearl Cleage.

I like to think that describes me as well. I'm always looking for the way to move forward.

I also liked this line from the same book.
"And we danced too wild, and we sang too long, and we hugged too hard, and kissed too sweet, and threw back our heads and howled, just as loud as we wanted to howl, because by now we were all old enough to know that what looks like crazy on an ordinary day looks a lot like love if you catch it in the moonlight."

That was the last line of the book. Now THAT'S the way to end a book or a life or a story or a party. It's just a GREAT ending.

Who NEEDS "face time"?!?

Well,I'm in Texas and my MIL finally got internet access so once again I am connected via the world wide web. Ahh, that feels good. I like being connected. Nothing like feeling connected to the world by sitting down in front of my computer screen in the privacy of my own home. I don't know what all this hoopla about "face time" is about. I like staying connected through phone, texts, email, mail, computers, blogs and websites. It's like getting info real time almost without even being there. Ah, the marvel of modern technology.

Well, I'm still pregnant and still pretty much miserable and well, like Forest Gump so eloquently put it "that's all I gotta say about that."

I've had some really good ideas for blogs since I've been on vacation but like most good things, they were fleeting. I should have wrote them down while I had the chance.

One thing I did want to mention--completely randomly--is that "skin on skin" has to be one of the sexiest phrases I've ever heard. I just love that song (I know it's kinda "old" now) "I need you" by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. And when she wants to lie beside him "skin on skin" ..that's hot. I think it's worth mentioning how his needs are about what he would do without her, how his life would not be as full or meaningful and her needs are about what she wants to do with him. I guess there are two sides to needing someone. Needing them to keep you straight and just needing them to be there for you and with you. It rings true as a love song. Need is a powerful thing and to say you need someone, well, that means something. At least to me it does. A need is simply something or in this case someone you can't live without. We all have wants but our needs are slim if you think about it. And if you can find someone in life that will fit in your need category..well, you better hold on because NEED is a powerful thing.

Bitchin' and Moanin'--Waitin' on the PRIZE

So...as mentioned in a prior post, I'm pregnant. I'm a horrid pregnant person. I am depressed, have violent mood swings, am sick to my stomach most of the time and am not very sociable. I am not very good at keeping my REAL thoughts and feelings about people and their doings under raps when I'm not pregnant and any restraint I have pretty much completely slips when I'm pregnant. I'm opinionated, irritable and pretty much let you know how I feel. I hate maternity clothes and I hate getting FATTER than I already am...thanks I'm fat enough as it is. The only positive thing coming out of the whole thing is of course, the baby. When I am particularly moody I try to keep my eye on the prize which is that I will be have a beautiful new baby out of this experience. I like the movement of the baby too...well, at first. I'm not there yet of course. I'm only about 7.5 weeks right now. I have 32.5 weeks to go. Yippee for me. (sarcasm) I say I like the movement at first because after you get so big it kinda hurts and makes you very uncomfortable but by then your so close to the prize that that is kinda nice too.

Winter is approaching and if anything that puts me in a worse mood. Being stuck inside for months on in with nowhere to go is not my idea of a good time. I want to go home. I mean home, home. Where I grew up. I miss my Grandma and my Momma and my sister and I want home-cooked food and I want someone to give a damn that I don't feel well and baby me. My husband is gone for days on in and when he's home he's watching football or sleeping. Yippee. I want to go HOME!! Right now (cuz I know after about a two weeks in Texas that I would want to come back to my house) I think I could spend the whole winter there and just come back to Wyoming to deliver the baby. I mean, it's not like I ever see my husband anyways. We might as well be living 1500 miles apart.

I have a love/hate relationship with food right now. I crave something so bad that I have to get everyone in the car (because of course, it's never something I actually HAVE) and go get it and then I eat 2 bites of it and it's not as good as I thought it was and I feel nauseous all over again. I feel nauseous if I eat; I feel nauseous if I don't eat. I just FEEL NAUSEOUS! One minute I feel jittery and the next so tired I could be comatose. My mind races and then I can't complete a thought to save my life. The kids are on my last nerve and I need a break. Not a short break, an overnight break. I need someones shoulder to cry on or else I need someone to kick my ass and say get in gear. I don't know what I need.

Most of the time I want to kill the dog. I know it's my fault mostly but that doesn't make me feel any better about it. We are having no luck potty training which again I know is probably from my poor attitude and lack of caring about anything right now except when I have to clean piss and shit up from the laundry room floor and then I care.

Smells are especially disturbing right now. Everything smells strongly and mostly NOT good. Every smell bothers me, even good ones.

I can't stand to be touched. Certainly not by my husband but not by anybody really. My boobs hurt and my stomach aches sometimes.

All right, I'm miserable. Is it all spelled out for you?

I think I just need to see my family cuz they are the only people that could possibly love me in my condition and attitude. The kids are just confused and distressed by this woman that replaced their mother and my husband is at a loss for any good ideas about how to help me. Plus I won't let him help me. What does he understand of my condition?!? He just wants to touch me and as I said, I DO NOT WANT TO BE TOUCHED.

I want to cry. Maybe I'll just cry.....

Lexie--minutes after her birth. (I've decided to try and add at least one picture to every post.)

Saying Goodbye to Privacy Pt.4

So it's time to push..my epidural is working. Thank God! They ask my husband if he would like to hold my leg. He touches it as if he's afraid I'm going to bite him. I guess I can't blame him for that ..ya know, considering how cheery my disposition has NOT been I guess he had valid concerns --he might have been genuinely concerned that I was going to bite. ;-) I say "your not doing it right, just let me" and grab my leg and pull it as far towards me as possbile with my leg bent at the knee. They tell me when to push and I do. They say don't scream it takes away from your ability to push harder. I mean, who the hell are they telling a pregnant woman that screaming isn't good for her pushing! After a couple pushes he says that he needs to cut to allow more room for the baby and make a cut...he pretty much ask my consent and I give it. It went more like "anything, whatever, whatever helps this go faster"...something along those lines. At one point he says the head is out and would "they" like to see it. So my husband and my mom leave my head where they've been stationed and everyone goes to gawk at my vagina with the baby head sticking out of it! I mean, seriously! I want to yell! Me, this woman here with the baby head sticking out of her vagina would like some attention PLEASE! A couple more good pushes (with the help of a nurse pushing on my stomach--what's that about?!?) and she's out! I'm ashamed to say I could only hold her sec. I was flat on my back and very uncomfortable. I handed her off to her Dad after a minute or two. Then he handed her to my mom and then Dad gets her again. Meanwhile, the doc is sewing me up. Apparently I receive quite a few stitches and it's taking awhile. My legs are still in the air. He says "I'm almost done just want to make sure I got everything sewed up here" and I say "Just make sure you don't sew anything up that shouldn't be" They all laugh but I'm not laughing. I'm refering to the fact that I can fill his finger in my butt. I mean seriously in my butt. He was just making sure he wasn't sewing anything up that shouldn't be I guess. Glad that all turned out ok.....mm.. In the meantime my hubby gets impatient and wants to show the baby to his parents in the hall so he opens the door up and they try to stick their head in and I'm like NO NO don't come in. Thankfully the nurse enforced what I said and managed to keep everyone out for a few more minutes while I got cleaned up and then she let the flood in....

I'm a Mom.

I'm going to finish my story in one final blog because I have some overall thoughts about my pregnancy and labor that I would like to touch on so adeiu for now!

Preventative Measures NOT Taken...

Well, for the latest new...I'm prego. Not planned exactly but of course, not exactly prevented so here we are. We would like to have a boy but I'm trying to think of the baby as a girl so that I won't be disappointed when it is one. If I find out it's a boy then I will be pleasantly surprised. I was so sure Lexie was going to be a boy that when I found out she was a girl I had this kind of depressing disappointment settle in at first but it passed. Ultimately I love my baby girl. I see this new baby girl as having big fat cheeks and gorgeous dimples and winning smile just like my Lexie-poo. It's still sinking in and we have a lot of thinking to do about all the logistics...ex. getting Lexie a toddler bed so this baby can have Lexie's crib, will the extra bedroom remain blue, money of course...just stuff. I've even started a list of possible names for a girl. I'm really focusing on the girl names for two reasons. 1. I'm trying to come to terms that I will be Mommy to 3 gorgeous girls and Foy might not get his boy. 2. Naming this boy is really important to Foy so if it is a boy it will mainly be his decision.

Anyways, I'm sure you understand that I have a lot of racing thoughts and things I have to figure out so I will write more later but I just needed to share my big news. I took a home pregnancy test and of course, I missed my period but I have not been to the doc yet. I'll keep you posted....

Saying Goodbye to Privacy Pt.3

So where were we? Pain medicine..right? I had read my "rights" and at 4 I could have pain medicine. Now I never set out to be one of those women who was going to be strong and not take anything. I wasn't going "natural". I'm not gonna apologize for this. I believe pain meds were a good thing and I was ready,willing and able to partake of them! So I finally get my own room. Get settled. Bags out of the car. Epidural. Now let's talk about the epidural. For those of you who don't know, this is injected dangerously close to your spine but it suppose to be a fairly safe procedure. There are two ways you can position yourself (usually at the doctors preference or depending on where you are in your labor). I was positioned sitting with my back hunched over. Now this is a very large women, in alot of pain that you are asking to sit ( a feat in itself), arch herself around her large stomach on the edge of a bed. So, a nurse is there to steady me. This is where I get a slight inkling into the idea of how immodest I'm going to be. I mean, I've been running around a hospital clothed in paper. Almost every bodily function you can have I have had in front of someone up to this point. But I have managed to have as much dignity and reserve about me as possible. Well, when it's time to arch over for the epidural I grab this poor nurse in a bear hug. I have no problems pressing my large pain-racked body onto this poor woman and using her for every bit of support she's capable of giving. She's very good natured about it and it endears her to me for the rest of my stay. She was my fav nurse. Plus the fact that she didn't put up with my crap. That's later in the story but you got to respect someone who tells off a 9 month pregnant woman who is in labor and ready to rip ANYONE'S head off.

So back to the epidural, I receive it with very little pain. Really I'm not sure it was little pain it's just that I was in so much pain already, what's the difference right? By this time it's probably 8 or so, I'm finally situated in a bed with pain meds. Well, they aren't working. It hurts. The pain hasn't got short or less. It's only gotten harder and quicker. But I'm enduring. My mom hardly moves from my side. She stands at the edge of the bed--not touching since this annoyed her while she was in labor also. She just stands there feeling my pain, trying to help me with my burden...trying to share this so she can lessen my pain if she could. She watches my face, the monitor...if anyone could say they were feeling what I was feeling..I would say it was her. I had a rag that I had used to wipe my face (after another throwing up episode--oh yes, I'm still throwing up) and now I'm using this rag. At first, I'm just using my hand to twist the rag. One hand just twisting and twisting and twisting. I wish I had a pic of it. This poor rag. The pain gets so bad that I start biting the rag to hold back the screams. My mother (always thinking about sanitation) asked if I would like another rag to bit on. I regret to say that I was snippy. No, I would not like another rag. I like this one very much. The nurse comes in to "check" me. If you don't know what this entails I can tell you in one sentence. Someone (a nurse or doc preferably) practically sticks their ENTIRE arm up your vagina to find out how far you are dilated and thinned out! I snap at the woman--THAT HURTS! And she says --IT'S SUPPOSE TOO! Well, how dare her talk back to the woman in labor--the woman of the hour! She took me so much by surprise that I decided I better not sass her anymore. Why aren't the pain meds working? We ask the nurse. We ask the doc. Oh, not my doc by the way because he's not on call. It's Sunday and some man I have never met or seen will deliver my baby. How's that for topping? They tell me that I am just accelerating too quickly for the pain meds to work. What? They are pumping this directly into my spine almost and it's not quick enough? My in-laws show up. They are in such a jolly mood. I would like to get out of bed and strangle them. They are talking, chatting in the corner..oh about the weather and whatever else that might pop into their stupid heads about now. I AM concentrating on the wallpaper. I'm trying to find a spot and concentrate on it. I'm using every method that I read about that worked IF YOU DID NOT get pain meds. They give me a shot of pain killer in my IV but it's not cutting it. Would I like to try another epidural? NO, I've already endured this much just leave me alone! My water hasn't broken yet and I am at a 7. So the doc comes in to break my water (this is the first and only time I will meet this doc before he delivers my child). He talks about how it will hurt more after my water has broken and tells me that I should reconsider the epidural. Ok, now I'm scared. Ok, another epidural. The lady doc comes in to give my epidural. Thank God, she clears the room. No one allowed. THANK YOU! I was about to get up and throw everyone out myself. These people walking around IN NO PAIN don't belong in the same room with me. Their petty worries and chatter...oh, I wanted to scream. Oh wait, I was screaming. Stifled screams (remember the rag) but screams none the less. This time I roll over on my side and arch my back (the other position to receive an epidural in). She stays with me (everyone else is still kicked out) and talks about how I should breathe until the pain goes away. She tells me the pains will get shorter and then less and then fade to nothing almost. IT STARTS HAPPENING! What she says starts happening! It's working! This pain starts to come and I can tell it's going to be the worse one yet. But it just stops short. It's like this big wave that piddles out to nothing. I tell her this and she says it's working. The nurse comes in. She looks at the monitor. The baby's heartbeat has dropped. She says --when did this happen? How long ago? The lady doc says just this minute and explained the pain I had just had. The nurse "checks" me again. I'm ready! I'm dilated. I'm fully thinned. It's fixing to be time to push. Things happen quickly. Things are inserted, strapped to my leg..it's all a blur. The bed position is changed. Things happen in a blink of an eye. Blink. There's my mom and my husband. My in-laws are not allowed back in because my legs are fixing to go in the air. Blink. The foot props go up in the air. Blink. The catheter is removed. (I wasn't really even aware of when this went in because I was in so much pain and they didn't ask me--or I don't think they did..) So much is happening so quickly that I don't have time to think....

I'm fixing to meet my baby. Soon. I had read that when it was over you forgot the pain just like that. Just like it never happened. It's time. It's time. Now.

(I hope you understand that in reading what is happening. That it is all fuzzy to me. I'm centered. I had no concept of time. Time had no meaning. One minute. One hour. I was somewhere else. I was disassociating. I wasn't me. I was breathing. I was enduring. I was doing what women had been doing since the dawn of time. It was something that had to happen so I could be a mother. So I could meet this life inside me...it was just something that had to be done and I was the only one that could do it. Everyone else was just a distraction. This was between me and my baby.)

Saying Goodbye to Privacy Pt.2

Soooo..back to where I was...in labor on the road to the hospital. Losing the parts of me that are suppose to be rational and logical. Foy (because I'm going to blame it on him even though I may have told him to do it..) turns the flashers on for some reason. He kindly gives me his hand to squeeze and I swat it away. I'm not in the mood for niceness and I do NOT want anyone to touch me right now. So we get to the hospital, where we have pre-registered and I'm not sure why we bothered because there still seem to be a ton of forms to fill out which I'm in no shape for. After all that, I am finally asked if I would like to sit in a wheelchair and be wheeled to the area of the hospital I will give birth. NO thanks! So I get to a small room where they tell me THEY will decide whether I'm in labor or not. They put a strap on my stomach that measure how far apart my contractions are and then they check to see how far I'm dilated -- ONLY 1 cm. What the hell?!? It's gonna get worse. I've been through all this and I've only gotten a fuckin' centimeter out of it. Are you kidding me?!? In the midst of all this checking I start to throw-up. You should know this wasn't anything new to me. I threw up my whole pregnancy I don't know why I expected it to be any different NOW. Except I wasn't prepared and I threw up on myself. So lets summarize where we are right now. I've endured around 4 hours of the most extreme pain in my life to only be dilated to 1 and I'm covered in puke. Gettin' a mental picture here? Well, we all must endure. So continue on with me....I'm then told that in order to decide if I'm really REALLY in labor I must go walk around for 1 hour and after that hour if I have not dilated anymore then I will be sent home. Well, right now I'm cussin' this woman out in my head and thinkin' they are going to have to drag me to my car or give me HEAVY drugs to make me leave this hospital with as much pain as I am in...but what comes out of my mouth is "ok, I'll walk." So I'm already in my hospital gown and those of you not familiar with this lovely invention. It's open in the back and doesn't really EVER close so then I get a lovely paper robe to cover my behind with ...so ...off we go covered in paper (covered in a large amount of paper--remember this a 9 month pregnant woman) to troll the hospital for an hour! I have to stop about every 5 minutes to either puke or pee. When I pee, I feel this SERIOUS need to go and then two drops come out but it's just enough that I have to keep going to the potty every 5 minutes. Somehow I wonder to the floor that the sick people are in and the smell is so bad that I almost throw up in the hall (I'm especially sensitive to smell right now). I have to get out of here immediately is all I can think. The nearest exit was the stairwell so here I go. I decide going down the stairwell might be our best option because I can't stand to CLIMB the stairs (remember I am in labor...in case you've forgotten --I certainly haven't!). But you'll never guess, the stairwell door was locked on the next floor...so down again we go to the next one...LOCKED as well and that's our last option so I must walk UP two flights of stairs while in labor to exit back onto the floor that was making me sick so I can find an elevator. After that adventure, we decided that I should go outside. I needed the fresh air. Well, so much for fresh air. My mom and husband linger about 20 feet behind me smoking-- chattin' about the day, the weather, ..whatever else might be on their mind right now. WHAT THE FUCK?!? I'M IN LABOR HERE! NOTHING ELSE SHOULD BE ON ANYONE ELSES MIND CUZ THAT'S WHAT'S ON MY MIND!! Oh, I'm so mad. But I'm in so much pain that even my anger takes the back seat and I can't tell anyone how this is making me feel. I'm centered on me and what's going on here. We pass some hospital personnel (MEN) who see fit to make a joke about the pregnant women who are always walking around the hospital while in labor. They call them the "Wal-Mart babies" because the women go to Wal-Mart to walk around after they are told to leave the hospital. Well, now you couldn't drag me to Wal-Mart because my child will NOT be known as a "wal-mart baby". So an hour is up! We head back and I go back down on the table...Guess what!?? I am now at a 4. That NEVER happens. People don't go from 1-4 in 1 hour. I'll tell you what pushed it. I DID. ME. I was on a mission. I climbed stairs and I walked like I was conquering the new world. I mean, it was a new world...a new me..a strong me...a me that had a job and was gonna get this done and do it the right way..........AND here's where I remind them that NOW I can have pain meds!

This seems to be a good stopping point for this post. But right now, in my labor I was alot excited that this WAS going to happen today and a little scared that this WAS going to happen today. But overall, I never felt more in charge. I never felt like more of a woman or more in sync with what nature and God intended for me and my body. This was my job. I was made for this. Even if I thought it hurt..my body knew what it was doing. It was in my DNA. It was destiny.

Saying Goodbye to Privacy

Disclaimer: If you are weak stomached, haven't had children yet, are pregnant with your first child or have a penis you might want to reconsider reading this post. Continue at your own risk...

When you have children your privacy goes right out the window. It begins with pregnancy.

When I was pregnant with my first child, while all my sensibilities were still in tack along with my sanity, I had heard stories of such immodesty in the birthing room that I swore would never be me. Somehow I imagined I was going to keep my legs together and manage to birth a child at the same time. I wasn't actually sure of all the logistics but I was very sure that I was going to be as modest as possible considering the circumstances. I shouldn't have even considered it after already having to go through the indignities of pregnancy. I mean, peeing yourself (and calling the doc to tell them about it because it MIGHT have been your water breaking) should have been the only prelude I needed to the beginning of losing all contact with my privacy. Along with forceful, frequent vomiting that could occur in the most unlikely places like restaurant parking lots or the floor of Wal-Mart. People first want to push the privacy button by touching your stomach. I did not have alot of problems with this since I think I'm a pretty imposing person who's face doesn't invite you to touch her stomach. BUT no, I still had high hopes of retaining my sanity and modesty while giving birth....then I went into labor.

It was about 4 am and I had decided that maybe I could just use some duct tape and invent some method of strapping myself to the toilet so that I could sleep comfortably and urinate at the same time. I was wondering why someone hadn't already invented something wonderful like that because I would have been the first person in line to buy it. Everyone hears the old stories of pregnant women and the need to urinate but the fact that before this I was a fairly rational, sane person who would never have considered strapping myself to a toilet should give you some inclination of how much the need to urinate can consume your life, especially at the end. Well, here's what it starts getting graphic so ye, of weak stomach, turn back. I went to wipe and the toilet paper was bloody. Mmmm, new development. I'm pretty much not sleeping anyways so I might as well stay up and see what happens, is what I thought. So in the midst of a not nearly enough distracting game of mine sweep, the contractions start for serious. I don't feel the need to wake my husband. After all, I'm still a sensible, rational woman and I've read LOTS of books about labor. I mean after all, you want to be prepared for something like this. I had read that when you go into labor it will be a very VERY long time until you actually give birth so try to relax...don't run right to the hospital because you have plenty of time. I like to think of myself as a warrior who was preparing for battle....I was a woman preparing myself mentally for what might be the most trying and difficult day of my life, and I was never going to be the same again. My body, my spirit, my mind had been preparing for this moment almost a year. I was going to experience childbirth and the biggest change of all, at the end of this day, I was going to be a MOTHER. I was going to meet my baby. After about an hour of contractions I'm beginning to lose the part of myself that is rational. I'm still sensible though. So I call the hospital to inform them of the events that are transpiring at this moment and am told to wait at least another hour to make sure that's it's really labor and then to come to the hospital. How ,what I am experiencing, could be anything LESS than labor was a little scary. I mean, these people had to have no idea how much this hurt. I know, they've probably delivered 1000's of babies but at this moment in time, I think they can't possibly know how much pain I am in. At this point, since the rational part has flew out the window and I assume my sensibility will be the next thing to go, I wake my husband, who rolls over and complains that it can't be morning yet, why are we getting up. Well, I think I'm having a baby. Oh, now he's up. Wait, he needs to take a shower. I mean, I'll be the one giving birth to a baby through a very small canal with my legs in the air and seemingly every person within a 20 mile radius either sticking their hand or their head where it doesn't belong... BUT by all means, get good and clean, honey. After his shower, I think sensibility might be escaping as well and I decide it will take almost an hour to get to the hospital so we better start now cuz this HURTS. Away we go.

I think this story may take longer than one post so this seems an appropriate stopping point for now. Of course, at that moment in time I was thinking it would be a good stopping point as well. I mean, couldn't I just stay pregnant a little longer...I mean a year or two..until I read some MORE books..I mean aren't those suppose to prepare you for this...I had really wanted to have this baby but maybe pregnancy wasn't so bad..sorry I complained..could we just stop this nonsense and I could go back to BEFORE...I don't think I'm ready..I thought I was ready but I didn't know...Sorry, I didn't know...

My apologies!

Sometimes when I write blogs I think,"My, how witty am I?" but then I read someone else's blog and think," I write about stupid shit." I should write things that make the world a better place and uplift people and have purpose instead of dawdling on about ..stupid shit...so I apologize for my lack of goodness. My inability to help you see the better picture and make you and me a better person. I'm sorry. I'm just me and I'm a little idiotic and I have no redeeming qualities to speak of except I am a faithful wife and a loving mother. And those aren't even that unique.....

The ID

I thought I'd explain more about the Id since I find it so very fascinating...

Wikipedia again.

"The Id comprises the unorganized part of the personality structure that contains the basic drives. The Id is unconscious by definition. In Freud's formulation,

“It is the dark, inaccessible part of our personality, what little we know of it we have learnt from our study of the dream-work and of the construction of neurotic symptoms, and most of this is of a negative character and can be described only as a contrast to the ego. We approach the id with analogies: we call it a chaos, a cauldron full of seething excitations ... It is filled with energy reaching it from the instincts, but it has no organization, produces no collective will, but only a striving to bring about the satisfaction of the instinctual needs subject to the observance of the pleasure principle. "
[Freud, New Introductory Lectures on Psychoanalysis (1933)]

The id stands in direct opposition to the super-ego.

Developmentally, the Id is anterior to the ego; i.e. the psychic apparatus begins, at birth, as an undifferentiated id, part of which then develops into a structured ego. Thus, the id
"contains everything that is inherited, that is present at birth, that is laid down in the constitution -- above all, therefore, the instincts, which originate from the somatic organisation and which find a first psychical expression here (in the id) in forms unknown to us" [2].

The mind of a newborn child is regarded as completely "id-ridden", in the sense that it is a mass of instinctive drives and impulses, and demands immediate satisfaction. This view equates a newborn child with an id-ridden individual—often humorously—with this analogy: an alimentary tract with no sense of responsibility at either end.

The id is responsible for our basic drives such as food, sex, and aggressive impulses. It is amoral and egocentric, ruled by the pleasure–pain principle; it is without a sense of time, completely illogical, primarily sexual, infantile in its emotional development, and will not take "no" for an answer. It is regarded as the reservoir of the libido or "love energy".

Freud divided the id's drives and instincts into two categories: life and death instincts - the latter not so usually regarded because Freud thought of it later in his lifetime. Life instincts are those that are crucial to pleasurable survival, such as eating and copulation. Death instincts, as stated by Freud, are our unconscious wish to die, as death puts an end to the everyday struggles for happiness and survival. Freud noticed the death instinct in our desire for peace and attempts to escape reality through fiction, media, and substances such as alcohol and drugs. It also indirectly represents itself through aggression."

Now you can't tell me that that is not fantastically fascinating!

No Use Lying, It's Just Me...

Do you ever get tired of lying to yourself? Is it lying or just self-confidence? If I don't look too close in the mirror I think I'm beautiful. Is that just being egotistical or is it mandatory for good mental health? Do you ever see those people wearing all the wrong clothes or showing too much skin when they might need to be covered up and you think...don't they have a mirror? Well maybe it was just some misguided self-confidence that lead them to bad choices. I mean if you went around thinking you were crappy all the time that wouldn't be good for your mental health, would it? So, I guess some lying to yourself is ok as long as your mental health is the primary concern of course and it's not injuring anyone elses mental health.

I would like to give you another excerpt from Wikipedia (as you can tell, I love Wikipedia) about id, ego and super-ego. I think it will help you dive into my mind. It's a wild ride...


The Id comprises the unorganized part of the personality structure that contains the basic drives. The Id is unconscious by definition. In Freud's formulation,
“ It is the dark, inaccessible part of our personality, what little we know of it we have learnt from our study of the dream-work and of the construction of neurotic symptoms, and most of this is of a negative character and can be described only as a contrast to the ego. We approach the id with analogies: we call it a chaos, a cauldron full of seething excitations ... It is filled with energy reaching it from the instincts, but it has no organization, produces no collective will, but only a striving to bring about the satisfaction of the instinctual needs subject to the observance of the pleasure principle. "

[Freud, New Introductory Lectures on Psychoanalysis (1933)


Here is a little on ego...

The Ego comprises that organized part of the personality structure which includes defensive, perceptual, intellectual-cognitive, and executive functions. Conscious awareness resides in the ego, although not all of the operations of the ego are conscious.
According to Freud,
“
...The ego is that part of the id which has been modified by the direct influence of the external world ... The ego represents what may be called reason and common sense, in contrast to the id, which contains the passions ... in its relation to the id it is like a man on horseback, who has to hold in check the superior strength of the horse; with this difference, that the rider tries to do so with his own strength, while the ego uses borrowed forces "

[Freud, The Ego and the Id (1923)]

And finally a little on the super-ego...

"The Super-ego comprises that organised part of the personality structure, mainly but not entirely unconscious, that includes the individual's ego ideals, spiritual goals, and the psychic agency (commonly called 'conscience') that criticizes and prohibits his or her drives, fantasies, feelings, and actions."

So in layman terms. You at your most basic is the id and from there we build to ego and then finally the very worst prohibitioner ..the super-ego. Apparently my super-ego gets a little misplaced at times and that's how I come to be here writing to you on my blog. Not to mention my ugly id surfaces at the most inopportune times....

Now back to what I was saying, I need to quit lying to myself about something and while I'm reigning myself in I'll let you into the know. I've been doing some searching on the Internet for a guy I use to sleep with in college. At first I was telling myself and others that I just wanted to catch up and see what was happening with him...well, it's time to stop lying. I really have a question to ask him and since he isn't around, I'll ask you. Why, after two years of sleeping with me, did you take the easy rode out and ask me that if you ask me would I be your girlfriend and then disappear only to reappear months later to inform me that you were leaving town for the military possibly and then disappear again?....I guess what I really want to know here, is did you ever have feelings for me?

Now, I'll tell you what I want the answer to be..since it's just between you and me, reader. I want him to have been desperately in love with me and so in awe of me that he believed I would never settle for him and going away was the biggest mistake of his life and ALSO ...I'd like him to say that I was the best he ever had in bed and he hasn't been that satisfied or had that wild of a time in years.

And then my reply...would you like to hear that? It would be to say simply...too bad. hahahahaha (wild maniac laughter). You know why I want him to answer that way? Because I need it. I need the confidence it would give me. I need the satisfaction it would give me. I need the pleasure it would give me for him to say these things.

I know I would derive pleasure from it because I've already experienced this kind of pleasure and it was very satisfying...well, for a while anyways. I had an old conquest tell me how great I was, how much he hurt when I left him, how he always held that special place for me that said I was special, how the very act of ignoring him led him to make life altering decisions...I mean, that's head rush stuff. It was a great feeling.

Whatever Scott's answer may be....I just need to know it. I'm still married, I still love my husband but some basic part of me needs an explanation and craves an answer. Maybe it's how I made life-altering decisions and so did he and what would have been, what could have been and what was and what is.

Homeopathy

Homeopathy is a vitalist philosophy in that it regards diseases and sickness to be caused by disturbances in a hypothetical vital force or life force in humans and that these disturbances manifest themselves as unique symptoms. Homeopathy maintains that the vital force has the ability to react and adapt to internal and external causes, which homeopaths refer to as the "law of susceptibility". The law of susceptibility states that a negative state of mind can attract hypothetical disease entities called "miasms" to invade the body and produce symptoms of diseases.[1] However, Hahnemann rejected the notion of a disease as a separate thing or invading entity[66] and insisted that it was always part of the "living whole".[67]

This is an excerpt from Wikipedia on the definition of homeopathic. I thought I would add it as a half-ass explanation of my last blog...if it's possible for it to be explained.....



Also on a completely un-related note. I learned a new word this week (well, I learned several but this one is my favorite) so check it out. Callipygian.

Music, Earth, and the beat of LIFE!

So I don't know if your a music lover or not (since I'm really not sure if anyone is REALLY reading my blog or not)....but I am a music lover. I'm not sure that says it adequately. I really LOVE music. I lose myself in it. I'm not sure ..actually I'm quite sure this is because I probably have such a precarious hold on my sanity. More so than the average person. And you thought I was kidding about the commitment papers. Sometimes I feel like I'm riding this real thin line between what I want ppl to see and what I really am. I'm closer to going over to the dark side than most ppl are because I'm riding that line pretty close.

For example ( I love giving examples in my blog for some reason), we went to a Puddle of Mudd concert the other night. Now, I am not a fan of theirs. Not that I don't like them but I've never really heard any of their music or paid attention to what songs they sing. My husband wanted to go. Not that he's a fan either. (I promise this story has an ending and a point.) So we met a couple of other couples there. Now even though I had not been a fan before I went, I did recognize a couple of their songs and I was enjoying myself....because I LOVE music, almost any kind of music. Especially live. If you've never been to a concert, your missing out. The beat from the speakers that moves your whole body, that denies you the ability to even THINK of anything else, that vibrates your very soul , the interaction with the crowd, the feeling of one body, one mind, one music, one soul for one moment . A connection with humanity, a connection that bridges all boundaries and says we may be different but this moment in time we are one.
The mob mentality if you let yourself think about it but don't think ....just let every other part of you but your mind ..just take control. I did. I wanted to. The other couples were standing by, being normal. Joking, talking and I have this pull. This part of me that says let go, throw your hands in the air, shake your head around, jump to the beat, move your body. It's almost an irresistible pull like the call of the wild. It says forget who you are and be the music, be someone different, be whoever you want to be, BE YOURSELF, be MORE yourself than you'll ever be standing here resisting the urge to let loose and lose control.

You know this love for music goes way back. Back in time. Since the dawn of time, music has played a role in civilization, communication, love, life....it still does. Different music makes us feel different ways. We chose our ring tones, put it on our web pages, listen to it in our cars...it's suppose to influence us to eat certain foods in restaurants or buy certain clothes in the store. Churches use it to creat moods and to induce feelings. Movies use music to help paint a picture or clue you into the mood. Music effects so much of our lives on a daily, hourly basis and I don't think we realize it. People have been using it to manipulate emotions since the first person probably beat out a tune on the ground or the trunk of a tree or a rock.

Classical music snobs like to look down their noses at music they think is below them or different. Some people make fun of country or some people think metal is just noise. Well, I know I can't account for people's personal taste because everyone has a right to it but I bet if we all open our minds we can find a place, an emotion or a time to fit ALL music. Even the music that you think isn't music.

Some of the most basic music I can think of is drums. I don't mean basic as in uncomplicated or I'm being snobby. I mean basic like the beat of your body. The movement of your feet. The swaying of your soul. To me drums are like a life beat. Like someone could find the beat you live your life to and put it on paper and play it. All music is like that. The guitar can sob for you or rock for you.

I'm not sure what makes a person a good dancer and what makes someone else suck at it. I'm pretty sure it's something your born with, like singing. You can't really be taught. You've either got some base talent or you don't. To me, dancing is just that moment when you let go of all your thoughts and your body and let the music take over. Maybe people who can't let go of their thoughts or let their body go free..their worried about being embarrassed or looking stupid, are the people who don't have the natural, innate ability to dance. Maybe it's just a matter of confidence.

Now I know I'm getting farther out there (your calling the people in the white coats right now, aren't you?) but I think part of it may be that I'm an earth sign. I know, your thinking I'm crazy...but sometimes I feel like I might be a little more in touch with my roots than most people and I don't mean my hair (cuz I haven't seen my original hair color in a long time) or even so much my family ..I mean the roots like the root of me. The part of me that some people would call the soul or the mind. The part that KNOWS *lifted eyebrows* things. The intuitive part. The part of me that I would never argue with because it's like trying to explain the impossible. The part of me that reads people and allows me to be myself. That instinctively knows about our connection to the earth and the environment. That part that thinks science should listen more to what people SAY instead of their little machines. The part that says homeopathic medicine COULD do the trick. The part that says mind over matter can move mountains like cancer maybe. The part of me that is a mother and a woman because I think that strengthens your ability to believe in psychic connections when you have children. I feel connected to my children in a way that is hard for me to explain unless you have children. And because I'm a woman I think that I'm more emotional open to things than a man would be.

I think what I'm trying to say with some of this random rambling is that because I live closer to the line, feel the undercurrent in the room, move to the music and can allow myself to not care what other people think is why some people love me and some people just think I'm crazy. I not only give me permission to be me but I give you permission to just be YOU.

Inside my Tiny Brain

Science is on the wrong path.

I mean, do you know what I should be doing right now? Washing clothes. Do you know what I'll be doing next week? Washing clothes. Do you know what I'll be doing the week after that and the week after that...guess? Right! SSOOOOO...I've got a great idea for an invention. I just need someone to get on it right away. Ok? I need someone to invent ONE suit of clothes per person that does not wear out, is one size fits all so my 2 year old and myself can wear the same size ( I know that's a big order), and is universal. I also need a little machine that is portable and tiny that can easily be installed in every bedroom around the world and that my 2 year old can operate that cleans this one suit of clothes every night SO that I may never have to wash the same clothes and do the same things over and over again. Just think what I could do with my extra time....I mean inside this tiny brain of mine could be the cure for cancer, or a great invention that instantly (and cheaply) completely gets rid of our need for oil, or I could have the solution for global warming or heck, if I had the time I could invent this crap myself but instead what am I doing? You guessed. Washing clothes. So one of the greatest minds of our time (probably a SAHM or housewife) is probably at this moment washing something. Clothes, dishes, cars, ......

Open Ended Questions

Do you know what an open-ended question is? Well, I'll be happy to tell you either way. It's a question that has to have an answer other than yes or no. For example, "Can I have marshmallows or cookies for a snack?" This is what my 4 year old daughter asked me today. My, where do you think she learned this wonderful skill? I mean, she didn't ask if she could have a snack when she got home. (Because the answer would have been no. Snack time is 2pm not 8pm.) She learned it from ME. I have found this to be a handy tool with my children. To avoid arguments and upset, I ask an open ended question so I can get the results I want. It leaves out all unwanteds and leaves them with some room for control, which for now, they are happy with. For example I might say, "Do you want to wear the purple bow or the pink one?" That leaves out the possibility (which there is a high probability for) of my 2-year-old screaming to wear the neon green bow that doesn't match at all. I use it for lots of other things as well that are much more important like lunch or what we will wear today. (The 2-year-old will quite possibly pick out sweats and toboggan to wear on the hottest day of the year, otherwise.) Well, it's backfired on me. Now what shall I do?!?

More than my fair share of CRAZY!

I heard a line in a movie recently that went something like this. "A thief always thinks someone is stealing." I'm guessing the point was that whatever you think of others is probably what your doing yourself which gave me cause to worry because I tend to think the worst of people. I mean seriously, the worst. I think almost everyone is a lying, stealing, gossiping fiend. Well, I may be exaggerating a little but seriously, I have a really hard time trusting anyone. I'd like to think that it's because I'm surrounded by "crazies". Seriously this town has more than it's fair share but I really think it may be me ..just a little. I mean is it because I am these things....I use to be these things....I don't think so. I mean, I was never a thief. Ok, ok, I'll admit it. The occasional makeup theft at Wal-Mart in my early teens....oh wait, and diet pills once..but just kid stuff. I mean, I never stole from a PERSON...just Wal-Mart or the grocery store. Do you think I'm a bad person? Because I was thinking I wasn't and now I'm wondering if I'm just being too kind to myself. Doesn't everyone do this kinda stuff as a kid? Maybe not. Well, I know I was a liar sometimes. But only when it mattered. Lol. I know that sounds funny but I hate ppl who lie for no reason..all the time. I mean I hate liars period but seriously if you gonna lie let it be to save your life or your marriage or lie to your kids to save their life(as long as they can't find out you lied) BUT don't just lie to impress people or because you like to live in a constant state of drama and lie about what's happening in your life. And I hate lying to save face. I mean really, if you did it then make sure it's worth confessing about. If they (whomever you are confessing to) don't like your confession, well then they don't like you. Your either confessing because your sorry or maybe just because it's good for the soul but hey, at least your telling the truth and THAT should be worth something, right? Now on to gossip. Well, I'm as liable as the next girl but I figure it's just sharing news up to a point, right? I mean there is a fine line there and if I ever do anything worth gossiping about, well, by all means, gossip away.

Now on to my second theory. There is another reason I could think these awful things about everyone I meet....the news. I mean seriously, have you read the news lately? (I say, seriously too much...hmmm) It's full of random murder, theft, lying and just plain maliciousness. These average people appear to have just lost their fucking minds. Or maybe they were only pretending to be average, which brings me back to where I was. Anyone could be one of those crazies on the news, right? So when I think the worst of someone, maybe I'm just protecting myself and my children. I only think the worst until you prove otherwise.....but in my book, your guilty until proven innocent. Sorry. <---Not really.

The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver

So I'm reading a new book. I would like to make some comments about it while they are fresh on my mind. I just discovered one of the most disturbing lines from the book....

"When push comes to shove, a mother takes care of her children from the bottom up."
The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver


(Sidebar, I love that last name, don't you?)

I guess I find it disturbing because I wonder is it true. The woman was faced with a swarm of red ants in Africa. I'm assuming even though this book is fiction some things are based in fact and these ants actually do swarm through villages in Africa consuming everything in sight. The village fled to the river. She had to chose between her youngest daughter who was 5 or her middle child who was 16 but lame. Her older daughter asked her why and this was her response. Obviously you see, her oldest did survive with help from strangers. My point is......
would I do the same thing? Can I answer this honestly never having been put in this situation? I think I would choose my youngest also. Not because I love her more or anything like that but because she is the most helpless and needs more of my care.

But on re-reading what I wrote, I don't think so. I can't see myself doing that. The age my children are now....4 and 2. I would die trying to save both of them. I would find a way. If willpower or heroics or pure love could save my children I would fight tooth and nail to make that happen. I would kill, fight,gnash my teeth, murder, cajole, bribe, borrow, steal, kill...whatever it took to save BOTH my girls.

So I leave you with the question. What would you do?

Emily Dickinson

I have recently rediscovered Emily Dickinson. I would like to make you a gift of that...


"Because I could not stop for Death-
He kindly stopped for me-
The Carriage held but just Ourselves-
And Immorality.

We slowly drove-He knew no haste
And I had put away
My labor and my leisure too,
For his Civility-

We passed the School, where Children strove
At Recess-in the Ring-
We passed the Fields of Gazing Grain-
We passed the Setting Sun-

Or rather-He passed us-
The Dews drew quivering and chill-
For only Gossamer, my Gown-
My Tippet-only Tuille-

We paused before a House that seemed
A Swelling of the Ground-
The Roof was scarcely visible-
The Cornice-in the Ground-

Since then-'tis Centuries-and yet
Feels shorter than the Day
I first surmised the Horses' Heads
Were toward Eternity-"

Emily Dickinson

I once knew that the places she capitalized were important. Some ppl leave the capitalization out...I think that's wrong. It says alot about what she was trying to say. I'll leave you to your own interpretation if you leave me to mine. That's the great thing about poetry. It can mean whatever you interpret it to mean. You can own it in your very own way...this is one of my favorites also by Emily Dickinson.

"This is my letter to the World
That never wrote to Me-
The simple news that Nature told-
With tender Majesty.

Her message is committed
to hands I cannot see;
For love of her, sweet countrymen,
judge tenderly of Me!"

Emily Dickinson

And last but certainly not least.....

"I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you-Nobody-too?
Then there's a pair of us!
Don't tell! they'd advertise - you know!

How dreary-to be- Somebody!
How public-like a Frog-
To tell one's name- the livelong June-
To an admiring Bog!"

Emily Dickinson

So to all you nobodies out there, let's raise a glass and toast the wonderful Emily Dickinson!

Laughter IS the BEST medicine, Woosy Librarian and Porn

Isn't it neat how you think you know someone and then they go and do something completely unexpected and you have to re-evaluate all you knew about them and come up with new parameters? Isn't it even neater when it's someone you 've known for a LONG time? ....like your husband... lol. So that's what I'm getting to...Foy did something completely and utterly unexpected...in the bedroom...in the bed...to me. I mean, don't get me wrong. We've had a ...wide variety by most standards in the bedroom throughout our married life but then in one night...he just blows my mind. I mean, I'm still reeling and it's noon the next day. He completely rocked my world. I think it all started when I laughed at him. I know, I know..I can be a cruel bitch...but it was funny. He was having problems finding "the hole". I know that sounds crude but really how else can you put it and really that's no dis on him because lots of men have trouble finding it..almost all of them really. I mean it's not blatantly obviously there like they are anatomically THERE. It kinda has to be yours to get right to the spot and right to the point. Anyways, I laughed and things got wild. I think he was just trying to show me who was the boss. No f-ing laughing at him in the bedroom. He'd show me. Well, he showed me. I plan to laugh more often.... :0).

I've tried to decide who I am in the bedroom. Sometimes I think I like to be IN CONTROL and other times I think I like a man who knows what's his, what he wants and TAKES it. I don't necessarily think that who you are in life makes what you are in bed. Sometimes it's opposite. I've seen that happen. It's always the kick ass powerhouse business woman who wants to be spanked like a bad girl when she gets in bed and the whoosy librarian who likes to tie you up and make you her bitch. Maybe this isn't so...come to think of it...maybe I've just watched too much porn. Great.
I think mostly I like a man who knows what he wants and takes it. But if I have to dominate then so be it. I can do that too. Well, enough for one day.

A Relationship with God

I'm in a bad mood to be bloggin'. I just had a fight with Foy. What's bad is that if you asked me I really couldn't tell you exactly what is was about. Not because I don't want you to know but because I just don't know myself. Sad.

Well, alot has happened since my last blog. I had a visit from my MIL and I visited Yellowstone. I booked a plane ticket for my brother who is flying solo at 11 to come and see me on July 15th for 3 weeks. I'm really excited about it. Just thinking about it puts me in a better mood. He's a good kid who my mom is probably messin' him all up but I guess I got out of there with my sanity and most of my morals intact so hopefully he'll managed to keep grounded in the tornado my mom calls life.

I know you wouldn't believe it to read it but I do have some religious ( I hate using that word because in some ways it has bad connotations) beliefs that I try to adhere to in my own little ways. I believe that God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost are all one. I believe in speaking in tongues. I believe that it can happen and does happen for real. I believe in studying the King James Version (KJV) of the bible. I don't need my bible dumbed down for me or interpreted for me. I think you can be religious and have a relationship with God without attending church. I do think church is good for your soul though. It's good to spend some time mediating and thinking on God and his gifts. You should find a day each week if you don't attend church on Sunday. I see alot of hypocrisy when I attend church so it's left a bad taste in mouth. Made me bitter I guess you could say. It's made it hard for me to find and attend a church. Another thing that makes it difficult is that I have the beliefs of a Pentecostal without the beliefs that I'm going to hell if I wear pants or put makeup on or cut my hair. I agree with most of what they say and preach other than that. I love their singing. It's so joyful and loud. Raise your voices to heaven and be heard. Rejoice. Worship him loudly with your music. Move. Feel the joy in your clapping and your body moving. Your relationship with God should be one of joy I believe. Be happy in your love and your worship. I don't mourn my religion as the Catholics are famous for. There is a time and a place for reverence and a time and a place for joy. I believe in doing all. I think you should pray to yourself. I hate when the minister at church prays into the microphone when it's time for prayer. Prayer is personal and private. It's a conversation with you and God. I don't need or want to hear it. I think you should talk to God like a friend or like a father. I mean after all isn't he your father? I hate when they moan and say oh, lord. Talk to him ..tell him all about..he will hear your faintest cry..he will answer by and by..keep a little prayer wheel turning...

Sorry the words to a song came back to me but it says perfectly what I was trying to say. There are two sermons that stick out to me. One was that God is the father of the fatherless. Now I am nor ever have been fatherless but that sermon spoke to me because it said just talk to God. You don't have use fancy words or moan or do it where everyone can hear. Just say a prayer. Talk to him like he was your best friend or your Dad. The second sermon that stuck with me was a taped sermon that my Grandma use to listen to and had for years. It's a woman preacher. She says much along the same lines as the first sermon. Something about the fruit of your lips. She says the words don't even have to come out just move your lips and say your prayer. God hears you. And he answers prayers.

Well, as always, this wasn't what I intended to write my blog about but it was on the top of my mind because I did attend church today. No, seriously, I did.

Dumb and Dumber Just Got Married!

So I just got back from a weekend in Texas for my sisters' wedding. She was beautiful and so was the wedding. As her MIL would say, dumb and dumber got married. She says she means it affectionately and we all know what she means. They are so dumb and dumber. I'm not sure who's dumb and who's dumber. It might depend on which side of the family line you are on. haha. Don't get me wrong. I love her. She's not the brightest crayon in the box but she's the sweetest. I love her for her. I love her because she's so sensitive that she cries at the drop of a hat. I love her because she's SO blonde. I once told her that our father was on a hung jury and she commented that must have been a long time ago because they didn't hang ppl anymore did they. haha. I love her because she's truthful with me. I love her because she knows how to push my buttons and when not to. I love her because she avoids confrontation and she can't make a decision to save her life. I love her because she lets ppl (mainly me) boss her around and just when I'm about to lose my respect for her because she's being a pushover she stands up and gives them what for. I love her because she has a limit that's a little farther away than most people. I love her because I know how to push her buttons. I love her because she holds a place deep inside herself for our family and what is important. I love her because she respects and loves our Grandmother as deeply as I do. She understands the fragility of life and embraces who she can while we are all still here. I love her because she's impossibly naive. I love her because she's my little sister and always will be.

Now don't you think I could have made a beautiful toast?!? Why didn't I?!? Ah well, it's enough that I hope she knows these things and how I feel.

Disclaimer :Claiming Mental Incompetence

So once again, it's been a few days since I made a post so I feel this innate need to blog. It's after midnight. Somehow I am sure this is not the time I SHOULD be bloggin'. I'm sure to say something I'll regret but then again, thanks to technology and all that jazz there is that handy edit button. :0).

Sometimes I'm sure that I should have been a writer and then sometimes I'm sure I should have been a dance coordinator. And then sometimes I'm certain that I should have been an accountant or an actress or a designer (pick a field, any field) or a poet.

Sometimes I'm certain my life ended when I had children, sometimes I'm certain it began when I had children and sometimes I'm certain that the best things in life are ahead of me.

Sometimes I think I'm past re-inventing myself and sometimes I have hope that ANYTHING can happen. People re-invent themselves everyday. Sometimes I'm sure that I don't need re-inventing. I like myself the way I am.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say other than everyday my feelings, thoughts, opinions and moods change. I guess you could call this a disclaimer for my blog. I may say things that at the time are true and true to who I am and how I feel at that moment but they may not hold true to who I am the next moment or the moment after that.

I'm beginning to sound like one of those people with personality disorders but here's to hopin' I'm not the only one on this crazy merry-go-round of emotion and life.

Remember I told you that I see things in headlines. Well, sometimes I see them in scenes. Like from a movie. I just had a flash-forward (we'll call it that) where they are reading my blog at a commitment trial (as in sanitarium, mental ward, Rusk, the funny farm, you get the idea). "As you can see your honor, this woman is obviously not mentally competent and can't be held responsible for her actions." I'm not sure what I've done but you can bet I'm probably not mentally competent and haven't been for awhile (take it from me, judge:0))

Ok, like I said, it's after midnight and now I'm just getting stupid. I think it's the pressure from trying to pick out paint for my house. Every room is somehow coming out blue/blue grey. I'm hoping this has the opposite effect of making me feel "blue". I'm hoping it makes me feel serene and calm. I need serenity in life....if only to accept the things that I cannot change.

Goodnight.

My Menstural Cycle and Newspaper Headline Thoughts

So I had my IUD taken out. No, I'm not planning another child right now. I'll tell you why I had it taken out but you can't laugh...I missed not having my period. How weird is that? But apparently it's a common phenomenon. Ok, not that I missed having it exactly (I mean who would miss cramps, bloating, fatigue, tampons and ...well you get the idea) but I felt like skipping it was throwing my whole cycle off..throwing me off...throwing what nature intended off...it felt like tempting the Gods, ya know. I don't know if you know. It's hard to explain. It's like....I think our bodies were made to work in a special way on purpose and deviating from that could spell disaster. They are always finding out horrible things about medicines and procedures years after they started them. Soon they'll say "New medical discovery. New Study's say IUD's reduce life expectancy by at least two years." You know something else that's weird about me (besides 'missing' my period)? I see things happening by way of headlines allot. You know, like when I'm having thoughts (usually sarcastically doomed ones). For example, I don't wear my seat belt to the store that's .2 miles up the road. In my head I'm thinking "Woman Dies in Tragic Accident in Rock Springs; Two Toddlers Sustain Injury". The article reads something like "Ginger Wallace, 28 of Rock Springs, thought that going to the store without her seat belt was relatively safe. Little did she know that statistically most accidents happen within one mile of the home ." Most of the time, this little inner headline voice makes me do things that are safe. It's like my conscience. It helps me make the right decisions ...by being sarcastically dooming. lol. Better safe than sorry I say.

So if you didn't think I was certifiable prior to this post, I'm sure you do now. Let's recap. I must have my period or I don't feel 'normal' and my thoughts often form themselves into headlines. Let's just sign the commitment papers now......

Sis's Wedding and Cloudy Days

I feel blah. I miss my sister. I want to be with her planning her wedding. I was talking to her and my mom today about the wedding and the whole thing makes me homesick. I regret purchasing those plane tickets that only allow me to be there the day before her wedding and leave the day after and I'm sorely tempted to get in my car and drive to Texas right now. Fuck it, right?

I'm not sure if I want to be there for her sake or mine. I'm bossy. I heard she was getting plastic tableclothes and I SO wanted to start in on the positives of using linen ones but I know it's not my money and I'm not there so I'm just trying to be supportive from afar. Blah.

I think the weather is effecting my mood. It's been cloudy and cool for the last two days. I'd much prefer sunshine even if it's cold. The cloudiness makes me feel even more gloomy than usual.

Midlife crisis???

I'm restless. When I use to get restless, things would get wild. I'd do crazy shit just to shake things up. I'd say something crazy or do something crazy. Now I'm a responsible adult with two kids, a mortgage, a car note and in-laws. When did things get so cut and dried? If I was any older (not that I'm not old enough), I'd think I was going through a mid-life crisis or something. How old do you have to be to be going through a mid-life crisis? Is there an age minimum on that?

Maybe I need a date night....or a 'get drunk and fuck some shit up' night!
I feel like I'm in the mood for some Limp Bizkit.

Advice and Happiness

" I'm not gonna write you a love song, cuz you ask for it, cuz you need one..."

So I finished reading my book about the hermaphrodite (It seems slightly demeaning to keep calling it that but it was the point of the whole book). I didn't think it was all that good..especially considering it won a Pulitzer. It brought up questions of gender..obviously and "nature vs. nurture" which is an old arguement. I'm not sure what year it won the Pulitzer but maybe IT was a new argument then.

You know I'm always wanting to give advice and I have to restrain myself. I know about unwanted advice so I try to keep my mouth shut. I find that in the subject of pregnancy, labor, and children I have definite advice to give and opinions about most everything. I heard some horror stories when I was pregnant that I could have done without so even though my first instinct when someone is pregnant is to start expelling sage advice I do try to refrain from giving it. BUT ..you knew there was going to be a 'but' didn't you...since I'm dying to say this..I'm going to say it on here. I mean after all this is my blog and you don't have to read it. This is NOT about pregnancy or children..it's about relationships.

You know what I hate..when ppl jump from one relationship to the next always saying that this is 'the one' or hoping it is or sure that God is somehow at work and he means for them to continue dating everything that walks..always looking for happiness or to be defined by some man. I want to shake them. HARD. And tell them instead of jumping from man to man maybe they should take the time to figure out who they are and what makes them happy besides a man cuz I'm here to tell you sister, men are fallible. And they fall often. Your happiness shouldn't depend on them. It should depend on you. Being happy with yourself and that will make everything else fall in place. Young ppl are especially susceptible to this. (Wow, that entire sentence makes me feel really old.)I sure made my fair share of mistakes and I'm sure they are not over but I'm gonna do my best not to make the same mistakes twice.

Another pitfall in offering advice is the quesion "Am I qualified to give advice?". Do I have all the answers? How ridiculous am I going to sound with my advice when what I'm giving advice about blows up in my face? God knows I don't have all the answers. I just have experience and maybe my advice is not about being right but trying to help you learn from my experiences or mistakes. My kids are not the most well-mannered kids and I'm not in the perfect marriage. So you might want to take my advice and stick it where the sun don't shine.....or you might want to take my little gold nugget and think real hard about what makes YOU happy.

On the subject of happiness I have a quote for you:

"If you observe a really happy man you will find him building a boat, writing a symphony, educating his son, growing double dahlias in his garden, or looking for dinosaur eggs in the Gobi desert. He will not be searching for happiness as if it were a collar button that had rolled under the radiator. He will not be striving for it as a goal in itself. He will have become aware that he is happy in the course of living life twenty-four crowded hours of the day."

This was given to me on a piece of paper by my Science teacher, Mr.Cannon in the 8th grade (I think it was the eighth.). I still have that piece of paper after all these years. I've continued to read it. When I was younger I thought it meant that I should build a boat,write music,become a gardener,have children and visit the Gobi desert. lol. BUT after reading it for so long, I realized it was the other part of the quote that mattered. Happiness will find you while your living your life. You don't have to find it.

Ice cream, hermaphrodites, and Wikipedia

So I haven't felt very bloggy (I know. I make up words.) lately but I almost feel like it's an obligation to write something on here at least every couple of days..well ya know for my millions one adoring fan.

The ice cream truck just came by. That's the first I knew of an ice cream truck.I have all the windows open today and I heard the music. I can't write this blog in front of my picture window with the windows open without mentioning what a BEAUTIFUL day it is. It almost feels demeaning just to call this day beautiful. It's the kind of day that makes you feel healthier just by breathing the air. These kinds of days were made for open windows, picnics and walking the dog. (If I had a dog..I would walk it today.)

I'm reading a book about a hermaphrodite and how he came to be and about his families journey here from Greece (It's fiction.). So as to learn all the meanings to the words I use wikipedia online. I laugh to myself when I think if someone looked at my history on wikipedia they would see some pretty off-the-wall things on there. Today I looked up androgynous and hermaphrodite (because I wanted to understand exactly what we were talking about here). So as to clear the air and so you won't think I'm a freak, this book was an International Bestseller and was a Pulitzer Prize winning book and also in Oprah's Book Club. The funny part is the cover doesn't say Pulitzer Prize winning--it says Oprah's Book Club. I mean which one would I be prouder of.

Yesterday on Wikipedia I looked up Le Pere Goriot (a novel written by frenchman Honore de Balzac), Howard Hughes (the famous billionaire who was a genius and an eccentric), Liberace (who was a performer in Las Vegas who could play classical music but chose to be a showman instead and make his pieces fun; he was also gay) and Christine Jorgenson (a famous transsexual).

I miss sex

I miss sex when it felt wrong to have sex, when it felt new, when something unexpected might happen...when it felt immoral and sometimes maybe even illegal. I miss when you almost wanted to go eeww but if felt too good. Ya know that feeling? Well, if you don't, then you should.

I don't advocate celibacy or waiting until your married. I know, how uncool of me. It's the cool thing to do these days. I do ADVOCATE waiting until someone special comes along. Hell, several someone specials will do. lol. I think waiting until your married is a recipe for disaster. I think only having sex with one person your whole life is not cool. I think you should get the sex, lust thing out of the way so you can find out if this is the person for you. After all the sex, lust stuff is over...you'll still be stuck with them "til death do us part." So maybe you should have more than that on the mind when you say those vows. Of course these days those vows don't hold alot of weight. Divorce being so prevalent and all. I also DO advocate condoms, birth control and honesty. You know, it is always the best policy. So I hear.

Back to missing sex. I watched "The Darjeeling Unlimited". I didn't like it overall but it did bring up the missing sex part. They do it in a bathroom...up against the wall and he licks his fingers before he he..ya know..to get her ready. Good times. He thanks her for using him and I know what he means. I miss that.

Documentaries

So I hate reality television. I don't know wether to call that a little known fact or a well-known one. I'm very verbal about it but it's not like I go around with it written on my t-shirt. One reason I hate them is the very addictivity (I make up my own words sometimes! HA!) and drama of them. Another fact about me (little known or otherwise) is that I hate drama. And I'm not one of those ppl that SAY I hate drama and then take relish in the drama of my own or others lives....I REALLY hate drama. Don't come to me with your tears or for that matter expecting my sympathy. I pretty much live by the motto that if you don't like it, change it. If you don't like your life, your husband, your body, your job...CHANGE IT! I don't have time for your whining and neither should you. Either change it or deal with it but don't whine to me about it! I feel mean but it's a fact...and if your honest with yourself you should know this. I will help you if you need it. Just say the word. But don't ever expect me to be the person that lets you cry on my shoulder. I'm not that person. I'm the person you come to when you want to change your life. I always speak sense so don't expect me to agree with you for agreements sake. I don't want you to agree with me for agreements sake. I hate that. I won't spare your feelings so don't spare mine. I'm abrupt and no-nonsense. My husband calls it rude but that's just that he misunderstands me.

I don't mean to say that I don't have a complaint now and then about this or that but I don't do any serious complaining about anything. I married him. I reproducted them. I moved here of my own free will.

I've gotten completely off track from what I started to write my blog about but I'm sure this won't be the last time that happens.

I don't like reality tv but I have found myself intensely interested in documentaries lately. I watched one about a married couple that waited until they were 65 to get cochlear implants. They were born deaf and suddenly wanted to hear at 65. It was a sweet, sappy, sentimental docudrama (I'd call it.). It made me cry but all in all, I liked it. I learned from it. Aren't you suppose to learn something from documentaries? I learned that sometimes sound is just noise and complete silence has it's advantages (especially with a 2 year old and 4 year old).

I also watched one on comas. They are mysterious. It was about 4 ppl who were initially in comas. In the end one died, two almost fully recovered and one would continue to live in a vegetative state. I learned that in recovering from a coma the window is a year. Any recovery you will likely make will be in a year. I found that very interesting. I have never made a will. (That's a whole 'nother blog subject.) But for those of you (millions thousands one reader out there) who read this blog, I would like to be given a year if I'm ever in a coma. If I can make it after that year without a ventilator or feeding tube, I would like to live.

Wow, this blog has turned way more serious than I meant it to be. I'm just killin' time while Foy plays the Wii. Well, tomorrow....