Saying Goodbye to Privacy Pt.3

So where were we? Pain medicine..right? I had read my "rights" and at 4 I could have pain medicine. Now I never set out to be one of those women who was going to be strong and not take anything. I wasn't going "natural". I'm not gonna apologize for this. I believe pain meds were a good thing and I was ready,willing and able to partake of them! So I finally get my own room. Get settled. Bags out of the car. Epidural. Now let's talk about the epidural. For those of you who don't know, this is injected dangerously close to your spine but it suppose to be a fairly safe procedure. There are two ways you can position yourself (usually at the doctors preference or depending on where you are in your labor). I was positioned sitting with my back hunched over. Now this is a very large women, in alot of pain that you are asking to sit ( a feat in itself), arch herself around her large stomach on the edge of a bed. So, a nurse is there to steady me. This is where I get a slight inkling into the idea of how immodest I'm going to be. I mean, I've been running around a hospital clothed in paper. Almost every bodily function you can have I have had in front of someone up to this point. But I have managed to have as much dignity and reserve about me as possible. Well, when it's time to arch over for the epidural I grab this poor nurse in a bear hug. I have no problems pressing my large pain-racked body onto this poor woman and using her for every bit of support she's capable of giving. She's very good natured about it and it endears her to me for the rest of my stay. She was my fav nurse. Plus the fact that she didn't put up with my crap. That's later in the story but you got to respect someone who tells off a 9 month pregnant woman who is in labor and ready to rip ANYONE'S head off.

So back to the epidural, I receive it with very little pain. Really I'm not sure it was little pain it's just that I was in so much pain already, what's the difference right? By this time it's probably 8 or so, I'm finally situated in a bed with pain meds. Well, they aren't working. It hurts. The pain hasn't got short or less. It's only gotten harder and quicker. But I'm enduring. My mom hardly moves from my side. She stands at the edge of the bed--not touching since this annoyed her while she was in labor also. She just stands there feeling my pain, trying to help me with my burden...trying to share this so she can lessen my pain if she could. She watches my face, the monitor...if anyone could say they were feeling what I was feeling..I would say it was her. I had a rag that I had used to wipe my face (after another throwing up episode--oh yes, I'm still throwing up) and now I'm using this rag. At first, I'm just using my hand to twist the rag. One hand just twisting and twisting and twisting. I wish I had a pic of it. This poor rag. The pain gets so bad that I start biting the rag to hold back the screams. My mother (always thinking about sanitation) asked if I would like another rag to bit on. I regret to say that I was snippy. No, I would not like another rag. I like this one very much. The nurse comes in to "check" me. If you don't know what this entails I can tell you in one sentence. Someone (a nurse or doc preferably) practically sticks their ENTIRE arm up your vagina to find out how far you are dilated and thinned out! I snap at the woman--THAT HURTS! And she says --IT'S SUPPOSE TOO! Well, how dare her talk back to the woman in labor--the woman of the hour! She took me so much by surprise that I decided I better not sass her anymore. Why aren't the pain meds working? We ask the nurse. We ask the doc. Oh, not my doc by the way because he's not on call. It's Sunday and some man I have never met or seen will deliver my baby. How's that for topping? They tell me that I am just accelerating too quickly for the pain meds to work. What? They are pumping this directly into my spine almost and it's not quick enough? My in-laws show up. They are in such a jolly mood. I would like to get out of bed and strangle them. They are talking, chatting in the corner..oh about the weather and whatever else that might pop into their stupid heads about now. I AM concentrating on the wallpaper. I'm trying to find a spot and concentrate on it. I'm using every method that I read about that worked IF YOU DID NOT get pain meds. They give me a shot of pain killer in my IV but it's not cutting it. Would I like to try another epidural? NO, I've already endured this much just leave me alone! My water hasn't broken yet and I am at a 7. So the doc comes in to break my water (this is the first and only time I will meet this doc before he delivers my child). He talks about how it will hurt more after my water has broken and tells me that I should reconsider the epidural. Ok, now I'm scared. Ok, another epidural. The lady doc comes in to give my epidural. Thank God, she clears the room. No one allowed. THANK YOU! I was about to get up and throw everyone out myself. These people walking around IN NO PAIN don't belong in the same room with me. Their petty worries and chatter...oh, I wanted to scream. Oh wait, I was screaming. Stifled screams (remember the rag) but screams none the less. This time I roll over on my side and arch my back (the other position to receive an epidural in). She stays with me (everyone else is still kicked out) and talks about how I should breathe until the pain goes away. She tells me the pains will get shorter and then less and then fade to nothing almost. IT STARTS HAPPENING! What she says starts happening! It's working! This pain starts to come and I can tell it's going to be the worse one yet. But it just stops short. It's like this big wave that piddles out to nothing. I tell her this and she says it's working. The nurse comes in. She looks at the monitor. The baby's heartbeat has dropped. She says --when did this happen? How long ago? The lady doc says just this minute and explained the pain I had just had. The nurse "checks" me again. I'm ready! I'm dilated. I'm fully thinned. It's fixing to be time to push. Things happen quickly. Things are inserted, strapped to my leg..it's all a blur. The bed position is changed. Things happen in a blink of an eye. Blink. There's my mom and my husband. My in-laws are not allowed back in because my legs are fixing to go in the air. Blink. The foot props go up in the air. Blink. The catheter is removed. (I wasn't really even aware of when this went in because I was in so much pain and they didn't ask me--or I don't think they did..) So much is happening so quickly that I don't have time to think....

I'm fixing to meet my baby. Soon. I had read that when it was over you forgot the pain just like that. Just like it never happened. It's time. It's time. Now.

(I hope you understand that in reading what is happening. That it is all fuzzy to me. I'm centered. I had no concept of time. Time had no meaning. One minute. One hour. I was somewhere else. I was disassociating. I wasn't me. I was breathing. I was enduring. I was doing what women had been doing since the dawn of time. It was something that had to happen so I could be a mother. So I could meet this life inside me...it was just something that had to be done and I was the only one that could do it. Everyone else was just a distraction. This was between me and my baby.)