Bitchin' and Moanin'--Waitin' on the PRIZE

So...as mentioned in a prior post, I'm pregnant. I'm a horrid pregnant person. I am depressed, have violent mood swings, am sick to my stomach most of the time and am not very sociable. I am not very good at keeping my REAL thoughts and feelings about people and their doings under raps when I'm not pregnant and any restraint I have pretty much completely slips when I'm pregnant. I'm opinionated, irritable and pretty much let you know how I feel. I hate maternity clothes and I hate getting FATTER than I already am...thanks I'm fat enough as it is. The only positive thing coming out of the whole thing is of course, the baby. When I am particularly moody I try to keep my eye on the prize which is that I will be have a beautiful new baby out of this experience. I like the movement of the baby too...well, at first. I'm not there yet of course. I'm only about 7.5 weeks right now. I have 32.5 weeks to go. Yippee for me. (sarcasm) I say I like the movement at first because after you get so big it kinda hurts and makes you very uncomfortable but by then your so close to the prize that that is kinda nice too.

Winter is approaching and if anything that puts me in a worse mood. Being stuck inside for months on in with nowhere to go is not my idea of a good time. I want to go home. I mean home, home. Where I grew up. I miss my Grandma and my Momma and my sister and I want home-cooked food and I want someone to give a damn that I don't feel well and baby me. My husband is gone for days on in and when he's home he's watching football or sleeping. Yippee. I want to go HOME!! Right now (cuz I know after about a two weeks in Texas that I would want to come back to my house) I think I could spend the whole winter there and just come back to Wyoming to deliver the baby. I mean, it's not like I ever see my husband anyways. We might as well be living 1500 miles apart.

I have a love/hate relationship with food right now. I crave something so bad that I have to get everyone in the car (because of course, it's never something I actually HAVE) and go get it and then I eat 2 bites of it and it's not as good as I thought it was and I feel nauseous all over again. I feel nauseous if I eat; I feel nauseous if I don't eat. I just FEEL NAUSEOUS! One minute I feel jittery and the next so tired I could be comatose. My mind races and then I can't complete a thought to save my life. The kids are on my last nerve and I need a break. Not a short break, an overnight break. I need someones shoulder to cry on or else I need someone to kick my ass and say get in gear. I don't know what I need.

Most of the time I want to kill the dog. I know it's my fault mostly but that doesn't make me feel any better about it. We are having no luck potty training which again I know is probably from my poor attitude and lack of caring about anything right now except when I have to clean piss and shit up from the laundry room floor and then I care.

Smells are especially disturbing right now. Everything smells strongly and mostly NOT good. Every smell bothers me, even good ones.

I can't stand to be touched. Certainly not by my husband but not by anybody really. My boobs hurt and my stomach aches sometimes.

All right, I'm miserable. Is it all spelled out for you?

I think I just need to see my family cuz they are the only people that could possibly love me in my condition and attitude. The kids are just confused and distressed by this woman that replaced their mother and my husband is at a loss for any good ideas about how to help me. Plus I won't let him help me. What does he understand of my condition?!? He just wants to touch me and as I said, I DO NOT WANT TO BE TOUCHED.

I want to cry. Maybe I'll just cry.....

Lexie--minutes after her birth. (I've decided to try and add at least one picture to every post.)