No Use Lying, It's Just Me...

Do you ever get tired of lying to yourself? Is it lying or just self-confidence? If I don't look too close in the mirror I think I'm beautiful. Is that just being egotistical or is it mandatory for good mental health? Do you ever see those people wearing all the wrong clothes or showing too much skin when they might need to be covered up and you think...don't they have a mirror? Well maybe it was just some misguided self-confidence that lead them to bad choices. I mean if you went around thinking you were crappy all the time that wouldn't be good for your mental health, would it? So, I guess some lying to yourself is ok as long as your mental health is the primary concern of course and it's not injuring anyone elses mental health.

I would like to give you another excerpt from Wikipedia (as you can tell, I love Wikipedia) about id, ego and super-ego. I think it will help you dive into my mind. It's a wild ride...


The Id comprises the unorganized part of the personality structure that contains the basic drives. The Id is unconscious by definition. In Freud's formulation,
“ It is the dark, inaccessible part of our personality, what little we know of it we have learnt from our study of the dream-work and of the construction of neurotic symptoms, and most of this is of a negative character and can be described only as a contrast to the ego. We approach the id with analogies: we call it a chaos, a cauldron full of seething excitations ... It is filled with energy reaching it from the instincts, but it has no organization, produces no collective will, but only a striving to bring about the satisfaction of the instinctual needs subject to the observance of the pleasure principle. "

[Freud, New Introductory Lectures on Psychoanalysis (1933)


Here is a little on ego...

The Ego comprises that organized part of the personality structure which includes defensive, perceptual, intellectual-cognitive, and executive functions. Conscious awareness resides in the ego, although not all of the operations of the ego are conscious.
According to Freud,
“
...The ego is that part of the id which has been modified by the direct influence of the external world ... The ego represents what may be called reason and common sense, in contrast to the id, which contains the passions ... in its relation to the id it is like a man on horseback, who has to hold in check the superior strength of the horse; with this difference, that the rider tries to do so with his own strength, while the ego uses borrowed forces "

[Freud, The Ego and the Id (1923)]

And finally a little on the super-ego...

"The Super-ego comprises that organised part of the personality structure, mainly but not entirely unconscious, that includes the individual's ego ideals, spiritual goals, and the psychic agency (commonly called 'conscience') that criticizes and prohibits his or her drives, fantasies, feelings, and actions."

So in layman terms. You at your most basic is the id and from there we build to ego and then finally the very worst prohibitioner ..the super-ego. Apparently my super-ego gets a little misplaced at times and that's how I come to be here writing to you on my blog. Not to mention my ugly id surfaces at the most inopportune times....

Now back to what I was saying, I need to quit lying to myself about something and while I'm reigning myself in I'll let you into the know. I've been doing some searching on the Internet for a guy I use to sleep with in college. At first I was telling myself and others that I just wanted to catch up and see what was happening with him...well, it's time to stop lying. I really have a question to ask him and since he isn't around, I'll ask you. Why, after two years of sleeping with me, did you take the easy rode out and ask me that if you ask me would I be your girlfriend and then disappear only to reappear months later to inform me that you were leaving town for the military possibly and then disappear again?....I guess what I really want to know here, is did you ever have feelings for me?

Now, I'll tell you what I want the answer to be..since it's just between you and me, reader. I want him to have been desperately in love with me and so in awe of me that he believed I would never settle for him and going away was the biggest mistake of his life and ALSO ...I'd like him to say that I was the best he ever had in bed and he hasn't been that satisfied or had that wild of a time in years.

And then my reply...would you like to hear that? It would be to say simply...too bad. hahahahaha (wild maniac laughter). You know why I want him to answer that way? Because I need it. I need the confidence it would give me. I need the satisfaction it would give me. I need the pleasure it would give me for him to say these things.

I know I would derive pleasure from it because I've already experienced this kind of pleasure and it was very satisfying...well, for a while anyways. I had an old conquest tell me how great I was, how much he hurt when I left him, how he always held that special place for me that said I was special, how the very act of ignoring him led him to make life altering decisions...I mean, that's head rush stuff. It was a great feeling.

Whatever Scott's answer may be....I just need to know it. I'm still married, I still love my husband but some basic part of me needs an explanation and craves an answer. Maybe it's how I made life-altering decisions and so did he and what would have been, what could have been and what was and what is.