Cuz...I'm fixin' to tell you something (yeah, I am.). ;)

I can't get stupid Netflix to work so I can finish watching what was working up to being a very good episode of "Breaking Bad". It's my new obsession lately. So I guess I'll blog. It's been awhile. I have a few things on my mind. (You totally knew I did.)

Things I do that may or may not annoy others:
I use parentheses a lot. I like them. Get over it.
I write 'cuz' cuz I can.
I use the word fixin' in verbal and written word.
I write like I talk which I like to think of as whimsical (notice I didn't say grammatically correct).
I'll get back to you with more....Oh that's right I use the ... a lot. I like it. That's how I talk. Run on sentences. Run on thoughts and ...'s.
I like the winky face.

When I first went to see the LC consultant here at the midwife's office I didn't agree with some things she said. Because admitting that she was right was gonna make me have to admit that I made a mistake..that I did something wrong. She told me of bug parts in formula and the health benefits of breastfeeding. I could have reduced my girls chances of having breast cancer (and mine!) simply by breastfeeding them. I left her office saying...ok, ok..I get it. Breastfeeding is good but I'm not sure I buy ALL that stuff. But then the more I read, the more involved I got, the more I researched it became a slow dawning moment. She was right. I was wrong. I had did something to my children unwittingly though it was that was not in their best health. I have had to accept that. I have told my girls. I have told them how sorry I am that I didn't breastfeed them. I have told them why. I got past blaming myself and starting pointing blame where it belongs. I read "What To Expect When You're Expecting" which was THE WORSE BOOK EVER. Recently the Pinkpeas midwife said that if you see that book or find it make sure and destroy it and boy, is she right (and not just because of breastfeeding mind you). I listen to the wrong people. Pediatricians that said, oh yeah if you need a break its ok to give them a bottle of formula on day 2 before your milk comes in.

When Kylie was a few days old she wouldn't stop crying one night as babies often do. I never even attempted to breastfeed her. She was the one baby (and I will admit it was mostly because of THE BOOK and the fact that I was working) that I never even wanted to. From the very first day I said I was formula feeding. This one night I was up with her by myself and she was just so upset and it seemed to be her tummy and I felt so sorry for her and I was at my wits end and I put her to my breast. That moment makes me wanna cry when I think about it. My mothering instincts were trying to steer me in the right direction but *clears the tears so she can type* society and my preconceived ideas that for one reason or another got stuck in my head steered me wrong. I hadn't seen women nurse. NO ONE I knew nursed. I had never seen a woman do it. She wouldn't take my breast. I felt silly and a little dirty for trying and never told a soul. I FELT DIRTY. WHY? Because I had never seen it. I had never seen breasts used for their natural purpose!! What is wrong with society that a 24 year old woman hasn't seen this?

Well, that's my sordid story. I put my none breastfed baby to my breast to try to comfort her and felt dirty for it. Oh, it hurts my heart that I ever had to feel that way.

I saw a blog today. It was titled something like "Parental Awakening" or something like that. I thought man, that is me to a tee. If I had to title a blog something that might be best.

I was telling Kristin the other day about paths. It doesn't matter how much someone tries to drag you kicking and screaming down a path...chances are you aren't going. Everyone had to find the path in their own way. It's so hard for me (especially as a genital integrity advocate) to accept that. To accept that I will not be able to drag some people to the light no matter what I do. That they will have to set upon the path themselves. I don't know if I can even point to a moment that it started for me. Poor Kristin gets so heartbroken for the baby boys. She takes so much to heart and tries to help so many. She can't take it and she's taking a FB break. I feel for her. I try to remain stoic. I try to just do what I can, when I can. That's all I can do whether your talking genital integrity or baby cages. Some books to read about birth and breastfeeding: The New Active Birth, The Birth Partner, Ina May's Guide to Childbirth (and breastfeeding btw), The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, So That's What They're For....watch "The Business of Being Born" and start your journey too.

Maybe it's just the circles I'm in but sometimes it feels like a whole revolution is starting. A revolution of women who are opening their eyes to birth is not an emergency, breast is natural, natural penises are a plan and purpose not an accident, raw whole foods without pesticides, without antibiotics, without GMO's are best....I hope there is an awakening happening. I hope that a revolution starts and we get back to healthiness and happiness. That is what I wish for you my friends. Health and Happiness.

Just for baby wearing sake here is some photos.

SHBC Secure High Back Carry in a Girasol Earthy Rainbow 7

Earthy Rainbow with a 3 (almost 4) year old in it. She LOVES being worn. I am going to tandem wear soon. 

My beloved Malawi Fishes which was sold to Kristin. Always hurts my heart to see my precious things go to new homes.

Earthy Rainbow again. It's my fav lately. 

SHC Simple Hip Carry in a Burgundy Pfau 2.

Girasol Romantique converted by SBP (sold)

Just a pic of two of my lovely children...just because.