Need?

My Mother loves to say that I can go to my friends if I 'need' something when she gets mad..which flabbergasts me because when she says that it's almost like she's assuming she has EVER cared for my needs. Let's be clear. My Mother has not babysat my kids, washed my clothes, paid a bill, or cared for me and my needs or the needs of my children in my memory. I'm sure (I think.) at some point MAYBE she cared for one of my needs as a child or even as a teenager. I guess she bought my clothes and cooked my food. Let it be known that for every thing she ever did for me she let me know that because she did these things I was under her rule. That I owed her because she did these things. They were lorded over me and held up as evidence that somehow I OWED HER SOMETHING.I owed her at the least obedience. You know, my house, my rules. She never did anything out of love or respect.

This is why I cannot let people do things for me. This is why I can't take things from others. This is why I have a hard time accepting gifts. You have no idea what it was like growing up with this woman. To feel like every bit you ate or every piece of clothes you wore were bitterly given to you OR given to you as a means to control you.

As far as my friends, I think they can attest that I do not ask them to fill any needs for me. That I have not and never will.....if only because my Mother scarred me in this way. In the way that I find it impossible to accept the help of others.