Positivity will prevail!

The last few days I've had A LOT of posts in my mind....poor poor pitiful me post for the most part. ;) I'm sorta glad right now that I didn't post them. I feel like I can be more objective right now because I'm feeling pretty positive overall at the moment. Most of the posts I had in mind were the trials I've been going through in just the last month (or 6 weeks) my brother has been diagnosed with a serious disease (I am very close to my brother for those who don't know....I might be closer to him than my other siblings), due to this illness and my fucktard of a father I have denounced my father and told him he is as good as dead to me (to explain this complicated issue would require a whole blog post or two by itself), lost most of my friends and been pushed to the brink of insanity by my Mother. To explain my Mother would require more time than I have...to try and give you the short story, she is insisting we can't stay with her because her house is filthy (it's my mother, I believe her) and since I don't especially LOVE staying at my in-laws that has stressed me out and left me in a bit of a bad position and she just keeps rolling in with more bad news. Now we can't eat Christmas dinner at my Grandmothers because she's going to my Aunts...we CAN go to my Aunts but we must bring food (according to my Mother) and no store bought or canned food either. And according to my Mother SHE can't cook so I need to find some time in the two days before Christmas on my vaca and make food. I'm slightly flattered but mostly just annoyed and stressed as fuck. AND I know my Mother is under a lot of stress but she calls me every second when my brothers blood sugar drops or gets too high or anything and because I fucking care (and I know she knows I care and she needs to share with someone who does) I answer and I talk to her and I worry and I stress even more. It's gotten to the point that I can't answer the phone anymore. Foy has threatened to "talk" to her but that's all I need....to alienate even more people in my life than I already have. I can't lose anyone else right now. I can't take that. So I will just DEAL. I've been a real wreck around here...well, as much as I can be a wreck. Of course the kids have no idea because I don't burden them. Foy has had to endure some breakdowns on my part and some unfair lashing out on my part about things that are stupid just because I'm stressed BUT...as I was saying...

This too shall pass. I will say that I again vow to NEVER go home for Christmas again. I will be glad when Christmas is over...I'm ready to start preparing for the baby and I feel like we're kinda in a holding pattern for that until after Christmas. We're waiting on bunk beds to be delivered for one. It looks like it will be after Christmas. Also MONEY. Christmas and traveling for Christmas is sucking us dry. I already have some cloth diapers and clothes for him. A few I bought and a huge bag that a woman whose husband works with Foy gave us. They are super nice and I'm glad I didn't go with my first instinct and decline them.

I'm ready for Summer, haha. I know it's early in Winter to be wanting Summer but I'm so much better in the Summer. I like to travel and I like to be out and I like the warm sun and Summer breezes and swimming pools. I'm so glad this baby is coming in the Spring so I can enjoy Summer with the fam. :)

I guess by being optimistic I'm avoiding some deeper issues that are bothering me. I'm going to have to let go about the stress of my brothers illness. I can't change anything and I can't make my Mother a better person. I can't make her deal with his illness better. She doesn't mean to but she comes off sounding like she blames lots of things on his illness. It's just another crutch for her. Why she can't clean her house or why she can't do this...blah blah blah. And my Dad doesn't upset me as much as you think. I barely talk to him twice a year anyways and only when I initiate contact. I don't even see him every year. He's always been a shitbag so no new news there. He maybe just astounded me with the deep level of his shitbagness. Losing my friends hurts the most not just for myself but how my decision affected my children who are just innocent victims. I did already start trying to gently persuade them to "let's do something fun in Salt Lake for your birthday with just the family" cuz I doubt anyone would show up at their party. I would rather not have one than disappoint them. They aren't biting so far but I have a month or so to work on it. I guess I don't mind the friend loss as much as I do for them because like dating...there are other fish in the sea. I have friends I haven't lost as well as a few acquaintances that I could be closer with and I'm good at making friends...just not keeping them. (partially true sad joke, lol) Plus I get stronger when faced with adversity...even adversity of my own making. I'm not prone to regrets or dwelling in the past but trying to learn from my mistakes and push forward. Some alone time might do me good. My house might be cleaner. HA. I will cook more, right? Hahaha. Ok, maybe I'll exercise ...hehe. I'll work on some hobbies or re-organize my house or be a better Mother aka make lunches every day and....iron their clothes. Lmao. I don't know but not having friends should clear up lots of time and give me time for much needed self-improvement. I could start a new book series or find more activities to keep Sophie and me busy like story time...where I can also get to know acquaintances better. Either way, I wasn't made for moping about what I don't have or about what I've lost. I have a lot. I have a lot to be thankful for and I have an amazing life that can only get better if that's what I want. Hey, I could use my non-friend time to take college classes...well, we better wait til after baby. There is no end to what I can do....with or without friends. (P.S. I am the QUEEN of pep talking myself.)

I'm taking a breast feeding class. My first appt is next Monday and I'm kind of excited about it...and the fact that Sophie is welcome. She's so good. I've taken her to all my appt (Foys been there also so far) and she was so quiet at my u/s appt that she scared the doc about halfway through the appt by speaking up from the corner where he hadn't even spotted her. He couldn't believe how quiet she was. She was playing with the iPad so anyways, I have no worries about taking her to my breastfeeding appts though I will continue as much as possible to make my ob appts for when Foy is off. I don't mind if she's there for the regular appt but I'd rather not have her there for any...um, exams..if you know what I mean.

Still getting ready for Christmas....and still stressed about that but it'll be over soon and I can't wait. Usually I love Christmas but my Mom is ruining it for me this year. After that, baby preparedness (and deciding a freaking name for the youngster!) and my birthday (blah!) and then the kids birthdays then BABY. Yay...then the Summer and by that time Christmas will be well over with and my friend situation will be better or at least a distant memory that pains me no more and it'll be time for outdoor fun and trips and parks and sunshine..I leave you with a song that inspires me.

"... with each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence the world can all be mine
They'll have to agree I have confidence in me

I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me

Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
When you wake up -- Wake Up!"

I Have Confidence, The Sound of Music