She had an abortion.

My sister had an abortion...or at least I think she did. I haven't really asked her if she went through with it but I assume if she hadn't then she would have told me so. I'll start at the beginning.

I would show you copies of the texts but I deleted them for her safety. My Mom, kids or brother could have got ahold of them. They are always snatching my phone. I texted her asking if she had some baby items I needed for Ezra. I was specifically asking about a baby bathtub because he is still not sitting up good (he especially wasn't then) and he's too small for the big one. I didn't want to have to drag a bathtub all the way to Texas in my car for no reason. She said she did and then she said she had to tell me something and that text probably wasn't best but that she was pregnant and having an abortion.

I've always considered myself pro-choice. If you had asked me before this moment then I would have definitely said I was. I immediately went off a little about why the FUCK wasn't she taking birth control..while admitting that it was a little late. I asked her if she was going alone or if she had told our step-sister (actually ex step sister). She said the Father or her boyfriend or whatever he is was going and she had NOT told Jamie. I figured she didn't tell Jamie because Jamie has tried off and on for years to conceive and can't. I'm not sure how she would have reacted. I urged her to find a reputable doctor and not some back alley hack and that's when she said that it wasn't what I thought. It is called a medical abortion. If you are 5 weeks then  you take a pill and essentially it makes you miscarry. You have to go in and have an ultrasound to check how far along you are and get 5 hours of counseling. You come back the next day and if you are still going to do it then you get the pill. I wanted to be supportive of her so I didn't have much else to say. I did urge her to make sure this was HER choice and that she wasn't being pressured and that I would support her. And I told her that I would help her if she wanted to keep it and that I know our Mother would too. She begged me not to tell our Mother and I promised I wouldn't. If our Mother knew she would disown her. She would....hate her. It would forever change their relationship.

I wish I had been there..in person when she told me. I could have read her, her body language...I could have seen if I really thought it was what she wanted or if she was just doing it to please this man. She is so....easily influenced. I should know. I've been bossing her around for years. I was told by my online group that lots of women have regrets and it sorta ruins their whole lives. I read story after story about this.

I tried not to think about it. It's her life. It's her choice.......right? I saw her a few days after I got there and about 2-3 days after she would have taken the pill. I felt.......angry with her. I felt disappointed with her. I mean this is completely preventable! Why would she go to these extremes? She is the person I would think least capable of even thinking of an abortion much less following through with it. She had problems conceiving my nephew. (She has an 18 month old and is recently divorced.) She is more religious than me. She has always been so sensitive and caring. She loves children. It seems like I would have been more likely to be have done it or to be in the situation. I was always careful with my birth control but there might have been a time ...when I was single and 19 and I made some really bad choices that I might have had one. I don't know if I could have followed through. Thankfully I was never in that situation. I had a friend who had one but it's different when it's your friend and when it's your sister...your nephew or niece she is aborting.

I think after having had a child...that I could never do that. I just don't know. If I were a victim of rape...maybe. I just don't know. I don't want to be sanctimonious about it.

From the beginning I didn't feel like I had anyone to confide in and didn't know what to think or say. I still feel like it's something that I'm keeping at arms length...that I can't seem to fully process. It's too late to do anything. I don't want her regret to be mine. I did the right thing, right? I said the right things?

I think I'm still pro-choice. I'm just sad. Abortion isn't for me ...and I didn't think it was for her. I don't know if I can ever feel the same for her. We've never been especially close anyways and now I feel like I don't even know her. This guy is not a forever kind of guy. He's just one guy on her radar. One guy she's looking to 'save' her or marry her. That's a whole other story though. One I don't have the emotions for tonight.

I ask that if your a family member or friend of our family and you read this to please not judge her harshly and please keep your pie hole shut. This is a very sensitive subject and information like this could ruin someones life. I don't mean to ruin her life. I just wish I knew that at least this decision was hard for her. Not as easy as she made it sound.

I just don't know.....I don't know. :(